untitled

[soulfly]

(honestly, i hate titling this "untitled", but i was deleting my journal, and came across this. it kind of describes how i'm feeling tonight, and i sort of liked reading it again...)

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you know what's worse than not being able to have what you want? but being so obsessed with something that you try as hard as you can to gain information about their life, even though you're going to find out what you fear the most. but you do it anyways...

i never knew something written in a standard arial font could rip me apart quite so badly. something that wasn't even directed at me could give me such a feeling of utter hopelessness...
that what you hoped for in a "best case scenario" never fucking mattered in the first place...

how 12 handwritten pages that took hours upon weeks to write meant nothing. and it's not my fault, it's not her fault. it's no one's fault....
someone just deserves to be happy.... i just wish that for once it'd be my turn. but we knew it all along....
she's so beautiful...and i'm so... *shudder*
how people say they are looking for something, but when it's right under their nose, they turn their backs on you...
that, although this is the oldest cliche in the book, it is for a reason: we always want what we can't have. plain and simple....
but will we truly ever have what we want?
a friend of mine once told me: "no matter how hot, how amazing how great a girl is, someone, somewhere...is tired of banging her"
it's sad...but it's true
anything short of "true love" and somebody gets tired of the other person...
enjoy your first few months...discovering each other's bodies...each other's minds...thinking that they are so fucking perfect... bilss...happiness...contentment
enjoy your rebounds now...because they always fall apart at the seams...
sooner or later you wake up, and the person laying next to you is no longer who you thought they were
who you thought was so small and petite and flawless, now is scarred, hurtful...and ugly
you will see them for how they truly are... correction: who they are to you.
enjoy it while it FUCKING lasts...because tomorrow you may wake up and they won't be there. maybe their body will be, but their mind will be elsewhere...wishing they were somewhere else.
they will give you just enough of what you need to keep you holding on to that silly idea that someday...someway it'll happen, and everything will be the way you dreamed it could be...the way you always knew it would be.
and then one day...you just fucking give up...
you stop trying...you just stop caring. it's like... a part of you dies, and you can feel it.
then, you live (if you want to call it "living") like that for a while...
you try to bury yourself in other things...some productive, some utterly destructive... but, eventually... you don't feel quite so much pain...you just feel "nothing". like you will bever be the same...

and then one day, someone comes along...someone who is as close to perfect as could be designed...
someone who shares your interests...someone whom you will cut off your own arm for in exchange for holding her hand with your remaining arm...
someone you would consider leaving everything and following them around they country if that's what it took to be with them...
and for one night, you get what you wanted...you were the happiest person that ever fucking lived...
a feeling that you just wanted to stay in you every single goddamn morning of your life...
a night that makes you feel like every hard decision, wrong turn...pitfall...you've experienced in your life had led up to this moment...
that things were finally looking up
that for once, things were going your way
it's like the Red Sox winning the world series....and being at game 7 in Fenway....................................................................................

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and then it's gone....just like that
that it never mattered in the first place
that you were expendable
that you were just someone they needed in your life "as a friend"
or nothing at all even...
that their life was so far away from yours from the day you met... and nothing would ever change that. nothing you could ever do, sing, write, say....could ever change that.
you will never have what you want...so give up now
save yourself the agony.... get over it

stop caring...stop trying...
because someday, the thing that makes you happiest in the world right now... well, it'll become your greatest fear.
it will kill you eventually....
someday, you will read some words...and then you can no longer deny the reality that what you thought really mattered in this world, wasn't worth anything at all....

good night

 

[cherub]

Darlin,
Everything you write, is so expressive and soulful, when i read your stuff i am always feel like it is a priveledge to be able to get alittle more insight in who you are.

wonderful reading

 

[SnowFrog]

I do not post often in words, but I read this forum everyday and even though I am to shy to post my own words reading others helps me cope-

Soulfly, ur words are the utter perfection of a beautiful person. The raw emotions that u betray are beyond anything that I could dream of writing and that is a fabulous personality.

 

[froggygirl]

Um, Very amazing. I couldn't stop reading it...

 

[E-girl]

wow... i almost missed this. i'm glad i didnt let it pass by. its not often that some of my favorite writers pop in every now and then to share some brilliant thoughts.... and here you are...

I don't think i'm the most qualified person to be giving YOU advice, so lets not call this "advice" at all.... just thoughts.

People arent who you think they are when you meet them. When you first come face to face with someone, you see them exactly how THEY want you to see them. first impressions? they are so far from the truth. i say, the real person is the person you see before you've ever met them... the voice on the other end of the phone, or the person typing the words on the other end of the screen, who has no face, no beauty, no entity.... when i fall in love with someone, i want to fall in love with their soul - and nothing more. the problem is that sometimes you built up an image of someone so much that they cant possibly live up to it.... and maybe you expect a lot more. that person isnt going to come right out and say "don't love me... there's so much that you dont know. so much that maybe... you wouldnt like." we are people. and we dont say that, even if its the truth. because its in our nature to not want to let someone else down, or not be who they want us to be.

real love... that's recognizing all the stuff we keep hidden... and accepting it anyway, for what it is.

You can hold a grudge forever jay, on your past loves, past friends, past whatevers.... but wouldnt a better feeling be to just accept things how they are - imperfect - but always changing, always the potential to be something else, even something you wanted? Cuz even though you sometimes find out that people arent who you thought they were, there is still a person there deep down inside that once held a lot of meaning to you... and just because they dont live up to what you want them to be, there's still the soul that never changes...

i have too many regrets in my life. i wont let myself have any more. i wont let myself hold on a grudge on someone that might fade out of my life tomorrow and i might have never had a chance to say "you meant something."

maybe i am just like the people in your story.... i'm just not as good as saying it.

and if you're sitting around waiting for the perfect person to come around... you'll be waiting a long time. that's the beauty of the world..... its imperfect and mysterious.

 

[Dekloren]

i say, the real person is the person you see before you've ever met them... the voice on the other end of the phone, or the person typing the words on the other end of the screen, who has no face, no beauty, no entity.... when i fall in love with someone, i want to fall in love with their soul - and nothing more. the problem is that sometimes you built up an image of someone so much that they cant possibly live up to it

Even the people on the other end of it can pose a fake image. It's sad.


I really liked reading the journal entry though.

I feel that way alot too. It's just so hard to actually get over something.