The New Testament 2 Jesus Strikes Back
By Rod Corvo
PART 1 Jesus shows up for the first time in a while.
The day that will forever be remembered in the brains of everyone who will ever live on this planet was a very sunny day. The sun was out on Bethlehem, England, South China, Vietnam and of course Burundi. It was a day that’s power is unimaginable and its effect, enormous. That’s right people it was the second coming of Jesus Christ. After this long break the one and only son of God came to earth.
“What took you so long to come back and save us, Jesus.” Asked a confused priest.
“Well I was taking a nap in heaven. And oh yeah I was helping my dad out with stuff.” Replies NEW Jesus.
“What Stuff” asked the orphan children.
Jesus paused and then spoke “I was looking at porn”
“Wow” said society.
However not all believed in this so called “NEW Jesus” many skeptical Christians wanted proof. Now folks NEW Jesus is not a fucking fake. No goddam fucking way. The day after his second coming he offered his proof. While being watched by Christians all over the world Jesus ate 700000 hot dogs. That was all the proof anyone could need. I mean come one who else but the son of god could have eaten 700000 hot dogs.
So the Christians now knowing this was some fucking real shit waited for Jesus’ commands. But NEW Jesus knew that it would be a mistake to tell these clueless people everything now. Jesus would give subtle hints to the Christians like “God wants you to be good” and “Abortions are real bad”
But NEW Jesus was tired. I mean come on you try to eat all those fucking hot dogs in one sitting. It makes you tired.
So for the following 3 months Jesus went back up to heaven to take a nap and watch his pornography. The Christians waited impatiently. Some call NEW JESUS a “no good hippy freak”. Others praised this NEW Jesus and some tried eating 700000 hot dogs. I can tell you that no one could fucking do it.
After the restful 3 months NEW Jesus (Or as we will refer to him from now J.C.) spoke again. He said things like “Don’t you hate how insurance companies don’t give you your money back if nothing bad happens.” And “Dogs are alright I guess but my favorite animal is the Mighty Mouse of cartoon fame, I always watch that shit in heaven” His words were strong and of course he spoke in Chinese. Because that’s just how J.C. is.
PART 2a Jesus Sends a letter to the pope, smokes some pot, and eats some children.
Quickly the public worshipped their new idol and gave him gifts. As Jesus was walking among his people he came upon some Canadian Teenagers. He saw they were all smoking hand rolled cigarettes. He said to the teens “May I have a toke” Of course the teens let Jesus get a hit. If they didn’t they would have to go to fucking hell.
Jesus inhaled and realized he was not smoking tobacco. He was in fact smoking the devils weed itself. That’s right readers he was smoking a joint. At first J.C. was afraid. “What if my dad God finds out I was smoking the devils weed” But quickly he relaxed he realized God was busy not answering children’s prayers on that day.
This was a new sensation “being high” for Jesus. In heaven there was only clouds to smoke and the occasional Malboro. Jesus suddenly became hungry and tired. He knew it was time for the Christians to see him eat a whole bunch of fucking shit. But first he gave a message to the new fucking pope Joseph Rateater, it went
Dear The Pope
Hey you old motherfucker, how you doing. From the looks of you I would say your not doing too good. Christians no longer want to hear from some fucking old asshole with a big stupid hat. They would rather hear it from the true source, Jesus Christ himself. Not so holy any more are you The Pope. Well I am just going to get to the point and am just going to tell you right now that I know what you did with those altar boys. Come on The Pope just because they are young boys does not automatically mean you should go molest them.
P.S I am high as shit, could you like send me some cheetos in the mail please.
P.S (again) Oh yeah almost forgot could you be a pal and send me some of those crazy hats you have. I want them so that I can burn them and then piss on the ashes.
P.S(last time) Oh shit God told me to tell you that he laughs at your name every time he hears it! Just wanted to let you know!
From Jesus Christ
When the pope read this message his shit was blown away. He was literally kicked in the face by the tone of Jesus’ letter. The pope died that night. He did it by not fucking a single boy in 2 days. His head fucking exploded all over some guys couch. Man that guy is fucking pissed. Pope brain just does not come of leather no matter how much you clean it. And on top of that it was a brand new couch.
The jokers at the Vatican were faced with the decision of what action to take. Jesus called them up and told them that they should just forget about that whole pope thing and get ready for another miracle. Jesus flew down to Rome and prepared for his next feat. He knew it would have to be even more amazing than eating 700000 hot dogs.
Jesus called up his dad for advice. Their conversation went something like this.
J.C. – Yo dad I need to think of a miracle to perform!
G – Well I guess you could eat a whole shitload of hot dogs.
J.C. – No I already did that dad.
G – Well I guess the only thing more amazing than eating a lot of hot dogs would be to eat a whole fuckload of Heathen Children.
J.C. – Good idea dad I think I’ll do that.
G – No problem Jesus.
Jesus knew now that eating a bunch of children who weren’t Christians would be really cool. So he got together a bunch of Muslim, Jewish, Satanist, and of course Bhuddist children. He told them that if they came to Rome with him he promised not to eat them. The trick worked as Jesus expected and soon he had 1 million non Christian children in front of him. The children asked Jesus “Why did you bring us here” and Jesus replied “You are here so you can be forgiven for not being Christians”.
And before you could say “Shitting in a Mexican hat” Jesus had ate all of the children. While some Christians cheered at Jesus’ amazing miracle some thought it to be unnecessary for J.C. to have ate all those innocent children. To these people Jesus sent a clear message “If you don’t agree with me eating one million children lets see you do it!” So far nobody has been able to argue with Jesus’ amazing logic.
PART 8b Funny Lists
(Authors note-Jesus was known for his love of listing things in order of importance to him. Here are just a few of the wonderful lists J.C. left with us.)
Top 5 Sons of Gods
1.Jesus Christ
2.Jesus Christ
3.Jesus Christ
4.Jesus Christ
5.
Top 10 of Jesus’ Pet Peeves
1. Crucifixions
2. People who have funny names.
3. People who smell like shit.
4. Fat Chicks
5. Those reality tv shows that are always on.
6. When God calls me lazy for doing nothing but watching porn and eating cheetos.
7. People who leave their phones on in movie theaters. I mean I didn’t pay $40 to listen to phones ringing. I paid to see Harold Khumar Go to White Castle and want to enjoy it in peace and quiet.
8. Airplane Food.
9. Those fucking Eskimos. Really God told me to tell them to just fucking die already.
10.When people fart in my car.
Jesus’ Favorite drugs to do
1. PCP
2. Toad Venom (DMT)
3. Meth
4. Cough syrup (Make it Robitussin Baby!)
5. Motion sickness pills.
6. Ketamine (and lots of it)
7. Datura
8. Weed/Cannibus/Chronic/Smoke/Trees/Loco Weed/ The Shit/ Schwag/ Shake/ Chron /Smokable Spaghetti
9. (Coke) and as much as I can get my holy hands on.
10. And Finally crazy glue (It gets you fucked up says J.C.)
Jesus’ all time favorite People Ever
1. Regis Philbin
2. John Travolta
3. The guy who made Half Baked (That shit was fucking funny noted Jesus).
4. Chester Cheetah
5. Ronald Mcdonald
6. Fidel Castro
7. Osama Bin Laden
8. All those guys who played me in movies and shit. Good job you fucking shitters.
9. Jesus Christ
10. Donald Duck
Jesus’ All Time Favorite quotes
1) I didn’t do it!
2) Cowabunga Man!
3) Don’t go there girlfriend!
4) I’m Rick James Bitch!
5) I’m Jesus Christ Asshole!
6) Hey I don’t go to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth bitch!
7) Don’t trust anyone who looks funny!
8) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
9) What you talking bout Willis!
10) Exit only you fucking homosexuals!
Jesus’ favorite
Part 2B Jesus Goes to Speak to the Crazy People
It was on the 6th day after Jesus’ ReResurrection that he paid a visit to some crazy people. Jesus loved the crazy people cause they never failed to make him laugh his ass off. He arrived at the Michigan State Center For The Mentally Disabled(or as J.C. calls it The Home For Crazy Assholes). He passed the reporters and Christians who wanted to speak to him and went into the building. He found himself in the craziest place ever. He was in the fucking nut house
Jesus had a big laugh watching one man who was wearing a shoe on his head. Jesus spoke to the man named Gerald who was wearing his footwear in a comic fashion. He said “My son I see that you are crazy as shit, sorry I can do nothing about it. But hey I have a personal message to you from God himself”
The insane man slobbered on himself and screamed gibberish. Jesus told the man his message from god it was something like this.
Dear Crazy Guy
Hey its God just checking in on my favorite crazy guy on earth. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your prayers but I was too busy to really give a fuck about your crazy ass. I know that the bible says all people are equal in the eyes of the world. But that is just not true in your case. I mean come I created crazy guys like you so all the good Christians would have something to laugh at. Well it was nice talking to you keep it crazy, ya know.
P.S. Oh yeah I almost forgot don’t expect to be getting into heaven. I mean what the fuck did you think I was about to let some crazy guy slobber all over my house and wear my shoes on his head. Not gonna happen asshole!!!
The crazy man read over the note carefully, realizing the true cruelty of god. He could no longer find enjoyment in his favorite past times such as acting crazy. He saddened at first due to the fact that he would never get to go to heaven. But then he realized that god himself had took the time to give him a message. God doesn’t do that shit very often. He’s almost always to busy to have a word with his loyal followers. This realization gave Geraldo a feeling of slight happiness. However it was short lived and Geraldo lived the rest of his life in horrible misery.
Sorry but the story is not finnished yet, when I get some more drugs I'll add some more.
By Rod Corvo
PART 1 Jesus shows up for the first time in a while.
The day that will forever be remembered in the brains of everyone who will ever live on this planet was a very sunny day. The sun was out on Bethlehem, England, South China, Vietnam and of course Burundi. It was a day that’s power is unimaginable and its effect, enormous. That’s right people it was the second coming of Jesus Christ. After this long break the one and only son of God came to earth.
“What took you so long to come back and save us, Jesus.” Asked a confused priest.
“Well I was taking a nap in heaven. And oh yeah I was helping my dad out with stuff.” Replies NEW Jesus.
“What Stuff” asked the orphan children.
Jesus paused and then spoke “I was looking at porn”
“Wow” said society.
However not all believed in this so called “NEW Jesus” many skeptical Christians wanted proof. Now folks NEW Jesus is not a fucking fake. No goddam fucking way. The day after his second coming he offered his proof. While being watched by Christians all over the world Jesus ate 700000 hot dogs. That was all the proof anyone could need. I mean come one who else but the son of god could have eaten 700000 hot dogs.
So the Christians now knowing this was some fucking real shit waited for Jesus’ commands. But NEW Jesus knew that it would be a mistake to tell these clueless people everything now. Jesus would give subtle hints to the Christians like “God wants you to be good” and “Abortions are real bad”
But NEW Jesus was tired. I mean come on you try to eat all those fucking hot dogs in one sitting. It makes you tired.
So for the following 3 months Jesus went back up to heaven to take a nap and watch his pornography. The Christians waited impatiently. Some call NEW JESUS a “no good hippy freak”. Others praised this NEW Jesus and some tried eating 700000 hot dogs. I can tell you that no one could fucking do it.
After the restful 3 months NEW Jesus (Or as we will refer to him from now J.C.) spoke again. He said things like “Don’t you hate how insurance companies don’t give you your money back if nothing bad happens.” And “Dogs are alright I guess but my favorite animal is the Mighty Mouse of cartoon fame, I always watch that shit in heaven” His words were strong and of course he spoke in Chinese. Because that’s just how J.C. is.
PART 2a Jesus Sends a letter to the pope, smokes some pot, and eats some children.
Quickly the public worshipped their new idol and gave him gifts. As Jesus was walking among his people he came upon some Canadian Teenagers. He saw they were all smoking hand rolled cigarettes. He said to the teens “May I have a toke” Of course the teens let Jesus get a hit. If they didn’t they would have to go to fucking hell.
Jesus inhaled and realized he was not smoking tobacco. He was in fact smoking the devils weed itself. That’s right readers he was smoking a joint. At first J.C. was afraid. “What if my dad God finds out I was smoking the devils weed” But quickly he relaxed he realized God was busy not answering children’s prayers on that day.
This was a new sensation “being high” for Jesus. In heaven there was only clouds to smoke and the occasional Malboro. Jesus suddenly became hungry and tired. He knew it was time for the Christians to see him eat a whole bunch of fucking shit. But first he gave a message to the new fucking pope Joseph Rateater, it went
Dear The Pope
Hey you old motherfucker, how you doing. From the looks of you I would say your not doing too good. Christians no longer want to hear from some fucking old asshole with a big stupid hat. They would rather hear it from the true source, Jesus Christ himself. Not so holy any more are you The Pope. Well I am just going to get to the point and am just going to tell you right now that I know what you did with those altar boys. Come on The Pope just because they are young boys does not automatically mean you should go molest them.
P.S I am high as shit, could you like send me some cheetos in the mail please.
P.S (again) Oh yeah almost forgot could you be a pal and send me some of those crazy hats you have. I want them so that I can burn them and then piss on the ashes.
P.S(last time) Oh shit God told me to tell you that he laughs at your name every time he hears it! Just wanted to let you know!
From Jesus Christ
When the pope read this message his shit was blown away. He was literally kicked in the face by the tone of Jesus’ letter. The pope died that night. He did it by not fucking a single boy in 2 days. His head fucking exploded all over some guys couch. Man that guy is fucking pissed. Pope brain just does not come of leather no matter how much you clean it. And on top of that it was a brand new couch.
The jokers at the Vatican were faced with the decision of what action to take. Jesus called them up and told them that they should just forget about that whole pope thing and get ready for another miracle. Jesus flew down to Rome and prepared for his next feat. He knew it would have to be even more amazing than eating 700000 hot dogs.
Jesus called up his dad for advice. Their conversation went something like this.
J.C. – Yo dad I need to think of a miracle to perform!
G – Well I guess you could eat a whole shitload of hot dogs.
J.C. – No I already did that dad.
G – Well I guess the only thing more amazing than eating a lot of hot dogs would be to eat a whole fuckload of Heathen Children.
J.C. – Good idea dad I think I’ll do that.
G – No problem Jesus.
Jesus knew now that eating a bunch of children who weren’t Christians would be really cool. So he got together a bunch of Muslim, Jewish, Satanist, and of course Bhuddist children. He told them that if they came to Rome with him he promised not to eat them. The trick worked as Jesus expected and soon he had 1 million non Christian children in front of him. The children asked Jesus “Why did you bring us here” and Jesus replied “You are here so you can be forgiven for not being Christians”.
And before you could say “Shitting in a Mexican hat” Jesus had ate all of the children. While some Christians cheered at Jesus’ amazing miracle some thought it to be unnecessary for J.C. to have ate all those innocent children. To these people Jesus sent a clear message “If you don’t agree with me eating one million children lets see you do it!” So far nobody has been able to argue with Jesus’ amazing logic.
PART 8b Funny Lists
(Authors note-Jesus was known for his love of listing things in order of importance to him. Here are just a few of the wonderful lists J.C. left with us.)
Top 5 Sons of Gods
1.Jesus Christ
2.Jesus Christ
3.Jesus Christ
4.Jesus Christ
5.
Top 10 of Jesus’ Pet Peeves
1. Crucifixions
2. People who have funny names.
3. People who smell like shit.
4. Fat Chicks
5. Those reality tv shows that are always on.
6. When God calls me lazy for doing nothing but watching porn and eating cheetos.
7. People who leave their phones on in movie theaters. I mean I didn’t pay $40 to listen to phones ringing. I paid to see Harold Khumar Go to White Castle and want to enjoy it in peace and quiet.
8. Airplane Food.
9. Those fucking Eskimos. Really God told me to tell them to just fucking die already.
10.When people fart in my car.
Jesus’ Favorite drugs to do
1. PCP
2. Toad Venom (DMT)
3. Meth
4. Cough syrup (Make it Robitussin Baby!)
5. Motion sickness pills.
6. Ketamine (and lots of it)
7. Datura
8. Weed/Cannibus/Chronic/Smoke/Trees/Loco Weed/ The Shit/ Schwag/ Shake/ Chron /Smokable Spaghetti
9. (Coke) and as much as I can get my holy hands on.
10. And Finally crazy glue (It gets you fucked up says J.C.)
Jesus’ all time favorite People Ever
1. Regis Philbin
2. John Travolta
3. The guy who made Half Baked (That shit was fucking funny noted Jesus).
4. Chester Cheetah
5. Ronald Mcdonald
6. Fidel Castro
7. Osama Bin Laden
8. All those guys who played me in movies and shit. Good job you fucking shitters.
9. Jesus Christ
10. Donald Duck
Jesus’ All Time Favorite quotes
1) I didn’t do it!
2) Cowabunga Man!
3) Don’t go there girlfriend!
4) I’m Rick James Bitch!
5) I’m Jesus Christ Asshole!
6) Hey I don’t go to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth bitch!
7) Don’t trust anyone who looks funny!
8) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
9) What you talking bout Willis!
10) Exit only you fucking homosexuals!
Jesus’ favorite
Part 2B Jesus Goes to Speak to the Crazy People
It was on the 6th day after Jesus’ ReResurrection that he paid a visit to some crazy people. Jesus loved the crazy people cause they never failed to make him laugh his ass off. He arrived at the Michigan State Center For The Mentally Disabled(or as J.C. calls it The Home For Crazy Assholes). He passed the reporters and Christians who wanted to speak to him and went into the building. He found himself in the craziest place ever. He was in the fucking nut house
Jesus had a big laugh watching one man who was wearing a shoe on his head. Jesus spoke to the man named Gerald who was wearing his footwear in a comic fashion. He said “My son I see that you are crazy as shit, sorry I can do nothing about it. But hey I have a personal message to you from God himself”
The insane man slobbered on himself and screamed gibberish. Jesus told the man his message from god it was something like this.
Dear Crazy Guy
Hey its God just checking in on my favorite crazy guy on earth. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your prayers but I was too busy to really give a fuck about your crazy ass. I know that the bible says all people are equal in the eyes of the world. But that is just not true in your case. I mean come I created crazy guys like you so all the good Christians would have something to laugh at. Well it was nice talking to you keep it crazy, ya know.
P.S. Oh yeah I almost forgot don’t expect to be getting into heaven. I mean what the fuck did you think I was about to let some crazy guy slobber all over my house and wear my shoes on his head. Not gonna happen asshole!!!
The crazy man read over the note carefully, realizing the true cruelty of god. He could no longer find enjoyment in his favorite past times such as acting crazy. He saddened at first due to the fact that he would never get to go to heaven. But then he realized that god himself had took the time to give him a message. God doesn’t do that shit very often. He’s almost always to busy to have a word with his loyal followers. This realization gave Geraldo a feeling of slight happiness. However it was short lived and Geraldo lived the rest of his life in horrible misery.
Sorry but the story is not finnished yet, when I get some more drugs I'll add some more.
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