untitled [first draft]

[vurtomatic]

shadowed greys of dying light
boiling churning roiling sea
of angry strife, angry strides

the horsemen they came
thundering smouldering snorting
hooves eyes nostrils flared

the chariots they rode
moiling frothing burning sulfur
cast a tawny shroud

sundered:
a spear of light
ripped sky torn agape
a mouth screams
:sundered

the behemoths they stand
silent under burning tears
scorched in baptism

the little sparks they hurry
drawn unto themselves
hunched under their little skies

it's raining angels

would appreciate some suggestions on what to do with this

 

[Dagny]

One little grammatical thing: 3rd set, 3rd line (or 9th line from the top) should be "casting" to agree with the tense of the rest.

And this may just be me and my lack of sleep , but switching the lines "silent under burning tears" and "scorched in baptism" would give the latter a ton of power. What a great line.

But really? I think it's wonderful.

 

[Doc_Rocksbay]

I like "scorched baptism" ending that stanza, if you haven't changed it, don't.... maybe some commas in a few places to infer different symbolic meanings..... but overall it is beautiful and intensely visual, it doesn't need changed.

 

[vurtomatic]

raining angels


shadowed greys of dying light
boiling churning roiling sea
of angry strife, angry strides

the horsemen they came!
thundering smouldering snorting
hooves eyes nostrils flared

the chariots they rode!
moiling frothing burning sulfur
casting a tawny shroud

sundered:
a spear of light
ripped sky torn agape
a mouth screams
:sundered

the behemoths they stand
scorched in baptism
silent under burning tears

the little sparks they hurry
drawn unto themselves
hunched under their little skies

raining angels


thanks for the comments dagny, doc_rocksbay. i made the changes to see how it reads also changed the line "it's raining angels" to simply "raining angels".