untitled erotic story that i need someone to proofread..

[exarkann]

if anyone would like, i need this short story i wrote for my SO to be looked over.
it probably would help if you are aware of the naruto universe, but views from people not familiar with it would be helpful as well... thanks!

keep in mind that i wrote this on my phone in a couple of txts, and i'll be sending them to her that way.

NSFW:

she had been on another d-rank mission, finding that damnable cat for the umpteenth time when she saw... Him. she didn't mean to, of course, she usually deactivated her eyes around the bathhouses, but this one was less used and it was early afternoon and that cat was being difficult... she glanced over and very nearly fell on her face. there was someone in there. she froze in midstep, not believing what her eyes were seeing. He was there, coming out of the water, His back to her, liquid streaming down His toned shoulders, down the line of His spine, down past His...

she blinked, coming out of her shock as she felt her cheeks redden. she jumped deep into the nearest tree, feeling the need to hide even though she knew He couldn't see her. in spite of herself, she couldn't stop staring at Him. she felt the heat in her cheeks spread down, her nipples growing hard against her bindings, and then He turned. she gasped as her tender pussy immediately soaked her panties with wetness while her eyes flooded with chakra of their own accord. time seemed to slow as she gazed at Him, His defined chest rising and falling with each breath, chiseled abs with the seal that held His prisoner, the blue chakra throughout Him with small bits of red mixed in, all flowing towards one spot...

her small hands moved on their own, sliding down into her drenched panties, one finding her engorged clit, the other quickly plunging two fingers into the source of her river of slickness, momentarily surprising her at how easily she slid into herself. all thought ceased quickly though, as she simultaneously began to use her fingers and allow her enhanced eyes to follow His chakra as it flowed down. her lips parted, releasing the slightest of moans as she took in His glorious cock as only her eyes could. He was rock hard, and an aura of blue-purple chakra had begun to encircle it. she thrust deeper into herself and bit her lip as He settled back and took His cock in one hand. with strong, practiced strokes He began to pleasure Himself, and she found her thrusts and strokes falling in time with His. her fingers began to glow with a lavender hue as she pushed her chakra into them, enhancing and expanding her pleasure. she allowed another low moan to escape and her eyelids closed, but still she watched Him as His pumping grew more forceful and quick. His cock became impossibly large in her vision and her breath came in ragged gasps as she strummed her clit, pushing herself closer. He threw His head back, and with a snarl and a brief flash of red chakra and white cum he climaxed, and that was all she needed. she pushed chakra deep into her clit and pussy and came violently, and full body orgasm that rocked her almost out of her perch. warm, slick liquid poured into her hands, her panties, and through her pants, pooling on the branch she sat on. they both collapsed back in exhaustion, and she looked at Him once more. His eyes seemed to pierce the walls, and before her vision gave out she could swear that he was smiling at her...

yes, it's about hinata and naruto. the reason i capitalized the "Him, He, His" is because since this is mainly from her POV, it seemed right to view him as she does, with emphasis, lust, and a little love.

for those who don't know, hinata is a minor character that has a major crush on naruto. hinata's bloodline allows her to see differently than the rest of us, when activated, she can see through walls, into a person's body to their chakra flow, and nearly 360 degrees.

naruto's prisoner is a nine tailed fox demon, which is why he has two colors of chakra in him. the blue is his, the red is the small bits of the fox's that manage to seep out of the seal that trapped it in him. i figure if the two mixed enough the result would be purpleish.

please, feel free to tear it up, change punctuation, grammar, paragraphs, whatever. just let me know what you all think!

 

[Jabberwocky]

erotica is not my usual reading material but i did enjoy this. however it seems as though the playful watchfulness of hinata to naruto in the begging where you described slowly his rise from the water is at a contrast to the events. she imediately slips fingers inside herself i would love to hear how he made her feel as she slowly did this to match the original pace. That being said i did get a semi. that being from the imagery or the fact that i am a dork I may never know.

 

[exarkann]

ah, i see what you are saying. i guess i did rush that a bit. hmmm. i'll give some thought to how to fill out that point.

 

[up all night]

That being said i did get a semi. that being from the imagery or the fact that i am a dork I may never know.

I don't normally laugh out loud when I go into Words but that did it for me.

As for the story, I'm sorry but I have nothing constructive to say! I'd be the last person who could critically analyse erotica.

 

[Synesthesia]

I don't normally laugh out loud when I go into Words but that did it for me.

Yeah I did too. Does anyone else find it intriguing that we have an extremely ubiquitous abbreviation for "Laugh Out Loud", but, when we mean to say that we literally 'laughed out loud', 'LOL' is not able to properly convey your meaning.