Unavailable Partners

[helpingout]

No threads on this

I have a problem and need advice
From the blooming of my sexuality to present day, I have pursued and been pursued by, almost exclusively, unavailable people.

I’ve met all of my partners in real life. I’ve met women on the bus, the grocery store, the workplace, through mutual friends, at the bar, online, and through a single experience on a dating app, I have met one woman whom was actually uninvolved and all ten of my other partners were actively in relationships or engagements or were entertaining suitors to the point of relationship, and invariably, they have ended their prior engagements to be with me.

Now I’d never consider myself a homewrecker.

But it appears that I’m the textbook example of a homewrecker.

What I don’t understand is why this happens. I’m in my mid thirties. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t by this point have the experience of meeting someone, and them being available, and falling in love and all that. It feels like I’m always meeting girl, wooing girl, finding out she’s involved, compelling her to make a decision, and then enjoying our exclusivity until we exhaust. Then moving on to the next heart ache.

I don’t mind the pain.

I just wonder why this pattern manifests?

You’d think it would be like smell maybe?

But I compelled a woman to leave an engagement after meeting online, happenstance.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t understand it. Is a meet cute and a happy life just a fucking pipe dream.

I don’t understand.

I think it might be something to do with vision or smell.

Like the women im attracted to have the look of someone in a relationship maybe?

Or maybe im just a disrespectful fucking degenerate who doesn’t respect other peoples relationships.

Or maybe women don’t respect me enough to make themselves available because of me?

Or maybe I just don’t know where available women go or understand how to meet them?

It just seems like I pursue and woo and bed and homewreck.

What the fuck fam?

Why am I such a cunt?

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Maybe you have not met the right woman yet … it doesn’t matter your age. People sometimes think at this age or that age … this & that, but I think it doesn’t matter the age. I’ve seen people meet people at extremely young ages and also opposite of that spectrum.

It could be a ‘double meant to be’ as you need to still work on and learn things about yourself. And maybe you haven’t been ready those other times and when you are that can attract a different type of woman/ love.

I have a very screwed up past with abusive men. I also had an extremely abusive alcoholic father growing up. The irony of that has not escaped me. So I’ve had all kinds of thoughts on that from … am I attracting it, was it familiar to me in certain mannerisms until it was too late or …. are the woman in my family cursed (that last one sounds crazy but there’s a lot of background behind that). Anyways lol sorry I’m rambling and sure might sound loca. I just didn’t want to dish out advice or my thoughts to someone without being a little candid about myself anyways.

There may be someone out there for you you haven’t even met yet. That can be true for a lot of people. I really don’t think there’s an age limit.

Anyways, if anything I wrote is helpful then great, but if not pay it no mind. I’ve accidentally ended up in situations like you were talking about too (involved with a man not completely available). I learned my lesson from that and won’t do that again in the future. So I don’t think you’re a cunt, we make mistakes and if we are blessed enough we learn from them.

Sending you a hug and a paw bump from my kitty Baby

 

[tryptakid]

What was/is your relationship with your parents like and what is their relationship like?

No threads on this

I have a problem and need advice
From the blooming of my sexuality to present day, I have pursued and been pursued by, almost exclusively, unavailable people.

I’ve met all of my partners in real life. I’ve met women on the bus, the grocery store, the workplace, through mutual friends, at the bar, online, and through a single experience on a dating app, I have met one woman whom was actually uninvolved and all ten of my other partners were actively in relationships or engagements or were entertaining suitors to the point of relationship, and invariably, they have ended their prior engagements to be with me.

Now I’d never consider myself a homewrecker.

But it appears that I’m the textbook example of a homewrecker.

What I don’t understand is why this happens. I’m in my mid thirties. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t by this point have the experience of meeting someone, and them being available, and falling in love and all that. It feels like I’m always meeting girl, wooing girl, finding out she’s involved, compelling her to make a decision, and then enjoying our exclusivity until we exhaust. Then moving on to the next heart ache.

I don’t mind the pain.

I just wonder why this pattern manifests?

You’d think it would be like smell maybe?

But I compelled a woman to leave an engagement after meeting online, happenstance.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t understand it. Is a meet cute and a happy life just a fucking pipe dream.

I don’t understand.

I think it might be something to do with vision or smell.

Like the women im attracted to have the look of someone in a relationship maybe?

Or maybe im just a disrespectful fucking degenerate who doesn’t respect other peoples relationships.

Or maybe women don’t respect me enough to make themselves available because of me?

Or maybe I just don’t know where available women go or understand how to meet them?

It just seems like I pursue and woo and bed and homewreck.

What the fuck fam?

Why am I such a cunt?

 

[helpingout]

What was/is your relationship with your parents like and what is their relationship like?

My parents are authoritarian and religious. Thru themselves are very unavailable. I don’t feel I know them well at all.

Together my dad and mom both value extreme hard work, they love each other, embody typical gender roles, and have expressed love to each other my whole life. They seem very codependent tho. No real friendships that they put work into, visiting or entertaining. No real family visits either. They very much have only each other.

 

[pixies+]

What are your genuine intentions?

That may seem silly. But I’d ask that you really look deep inside and ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing.

What is it that you really want? What type of human do you really want to end up with?

People are going to be people. My suggestion would be… think about what your honest, truest, deepest, darkest (really really dark) and light, intentions are.

Might take a while. Have a think and get back to me.

 

[thujone]

i heard a funny one that always stuck with me - it's easier to steal an attached girl because you only have to compete with the guy she's already with. go after a single woman and you compete with the world

 

[pixies+]

I have a problem and need advice
From the blooming of my sexuality to present day, I have pursued and been pursued by, almost exclusively, unavailable people.

Now I’d never consider myself a homewrecker.

But it appears that I’m the textbook example of a homewrecker

But I compelled a woman to leave an engagement after meeting online, happenstance

Or maybe im just a disrespectful fucking degenerate who doesn’t respect other peoples relationships

Or maybe women don’t respect me enough to make themselves available because of me?

Why am I such a cunt?

^ I’m not calling you a cunt. But you’ve already asked yourself a lot of the questions you need to do to find the answers.

My immediate thought was - because you’re not ready for real commitment yet.
I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know you.

Your first quote that I posted made me assume you’re just not quite ready for some reason. Yes, you want a relationship. But, you’re repeating the same behaviours over and over again… well say for what… roughly 20 years? Give or take?

When people constantly repeat the same behaviours, it’s basically just going back to what you know. Sort of like addiction in many ways.

Im not judging. Who am I to do that to you?

My advice would be to ask yourself some very hard questions - as you have. And now sit with them. Talk to them. Talk them out if you have to… aloud by yourself. Or talk to a psychologist if it all possible. Theres things we don’t know about ourselves that some people see a mile away. If no one ever said anything, we’d never know.

I’m glad you’re wondering though. You deserve a happy life.


Random question, are you open to having open relationships?

 

[helpingout]

^ I’m not calling you a cunt. But you’ve already asked yourself a lot of the questions you need to do to find the answers.

My immediate thought was - because you’re not ready for real commitment yet.
I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know you.

Your first quote that I posted made me assume you’re just not quite ready for some reason. Yes, you want a relationship. But, you’re repeating the same behaviours over and over again… well say for what… roughly 20 years? Give or take?

When people constantly repeat the same behaviours, it’s basically just going back to what you know. Sort of like addiction in many ways.

Im not judging. Who am I to do that to you?

My advice would be to ask yourself some very hard questions - as you have. And now sit with them. Talk to them. Talk them out if you have to… aloud by yourself. Or talk to a psychologist if it all possible. Theres things we don’t know about ourselves that some people see a mile away. If no one ever said anything, we’d never know.

I’m glad you’re wondering though. You deserve a happy life.


Random question, are you open to having open relationships?

I’m terrible at being honest with people. I don’t think I’m actually capable of any kind of real relationship. The more I experience hurt the more I just stop caring about respecting exclusivity.

I don’t think I deserve to be with anyone really. And I’m also a recovering drug user and addicts are really destructive to families. I don’t even want to pretend to be in a committed relationship. I’m just not capable of it.

 

[tryptakid]

I don’t even want to pretend to be in a committed relationship. I’m just not capable of it.

Not with that attitude....

Part of recovery is accepting that you aren't perfect, neither of are they. You just have to find someone who loves you for who you actually are - not the version of yourself that makes other people like you.

When we're so used to performing in order to please we get really good at being someone other than our authentic selves. Useful in small doses but absolutely poison for intimate relationships.

Be honest with yourself and then try to be honest with someone else.

 

[Vanilla_Incense]

I’m terrible at being honest with people.

Start with being honest with yourself

 

[kiely]

^ Healthy

 

[helpingout]

I don’t understand how I’m lying to myself. I don’t know what this secret from me thing I want is.

Are you asking me to acknowledge that I don’t like being alive and I should just be alone because I hurt the people I love?

I don’t know what this truth I’m hidibg from myself is.

 

[Robi]

I don’t understand how I’m lying to myself. I don’t know what this secret from me thing I want is.

Are you asking me to acknowledge that I don’t like being alive and I should just be alone because I hurt the people I love?

I don’t know what this truth I’m hidibg from myself is.

Now that's some shadow work,phew honest,many don't know what they are hiding from themselves, it can be near trivial or very very dark and hard to face

 

[kiely]

O don't know. But what I would do with that is ... well figure out your story. And then decided if you are going to change it so to speak.

It could work.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

I say keep writing … your answers are in there. You're doing just that by making this thread as well. You’re doing a good job, being pretty damn honest even right here if you ask me

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Just to flip it slightly...There's also something in some/plenty of people's psyche which seems to naturally find people who are in a relationship more attractive than people who are not. There are easy-to-pontificate on reasons for that, eg 'that person is single therefore not valuable/unwanted, so why would I want them?' Or 'forbidden fruit' etc

I have definitely noticed that I have had far more interest from females when I have been in a relationship as opposed to when I have been single, no doubt at all...and I definitely wasn't giving off 'available' vibes when in a committed relationship nor 'desperate' vibes when single. Odd creatures, humans.

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Odd creatures, humans.

lol yea. I always say I love animals but I tend to find humans a bit unpredictable

 

[tryptakid]

I don’t understand how I’m lying to myself. I don’t know what this secret from me thing I want is.

Are you asking me to acknowledge that I don’t like being alive and I should just be alone because I hurt the people I love?

I don’t know what this truth I’m hidibg from myself is.

Just to flip it slightly...There's also something in some/plenty of people's psyche which seems to naturally find people who are in a relationship more attractive than people who are not. There are easy-to-pontificate on reasons for that, eg 'that person is single therefore not valuable/unwanted, so why would I want them?' Or 'forbidden fruit' etc

I have definitely noticed that I have had far more interest from females when I have been in a relationship as opposed to when I have been single, no doubt at all...and I definitely wasn't giving off 'available' vibes when in a committed relationship nor 'desperate' vibes when single. Odd creatures, humans.

Women in relationships that are open to talking to you may have unmet needs that you're quick to pick up on. Perhaps he works a lot, or is too tired for sex sometimes, maybe he's emotionally distant, or some other small but significant issue that has impacted their intimate life in some way. Women in secure, happy, and fulfilling relationships would simply not engage with the idea of infidelity. The idea of flirting with another man and leaning into that flirtation is unappealing and much more dangerous than anything. Women who are feeling insecure about some aspect of their relationship - perhaps not enough to end things - but enough to perk up when someone else appears to show interest and offer openness and intimacy without commitment. Perhaps it starts off as playful flirting - avoiding the mention of a relationship or stories which suggest they have a partner: "My weekend was okay, had some errands to do and wanted to try out a new recipe, mostly recharged for the week" (avoiding mentioning the partner which could be unintentional or an actual lack of reason to mention him).

Continued interest demonstrates familiarity and openness to allow this flirty stranger in a bit, and those missing aspects of the relationship begin to itch inside. The stranger becomes a potential salve for the itch inside that yearns for attention - another weekend of cooking dinner while he watches football, another weekend of leaning against the washer machine just to get a release, another weekend of feeling unappreciated, and another week night of that interested stranger.

Suddenly, she's in a conspiracy with you 'i never do this sort of thing' - but the you (the stranger) is flexible with non-commitment, fluid, an adaptable chameleon adjusting to all of the needs she silently broadasts and you are more than adept at reading and offering her. Until it crashes, and you're left alone with the guilt and shame that goes along with the thing you call yourself in your post.

And then you meet another woman, the cycle continues.

My parents are authoritarian and religious. Thru themselves are very unavailable. I don’t feel I know them well at all.

This is why you don't understand true intimacy and honesty within a relationship. You had no model for what intimacy, vulnerability, openness, and honesty looks like. You were the focus of their instruction - Do as I say, not as I do.

Together my dad and mom both value extreme hard work, they love each other, embody typical gender roles, and have expressed love to each other my whole life. They seem very codependent tho. No real friendships that they put work into, visiting or entertaining. No real family visits either. They very much have only each other.

Intense connection that excludes others - a secret life that you have had a purview of yet it offers only a window into a relationship built on insularity and exclusivity - the kind of relationship that evolves out of a infidelity which is inherently codependent (as you share a secret and must depend on one another to maintain the secret). Infidelity does not involve friends, and it does not have a public face.

You must seek out healthy relationships in others - people who have a connection that you find inspiring. If you know people who have relationships that you admire - ask them how they met, what they do to support one another, how they show love and how they communicate.

If you can find healthy models for relationships you want to draw inspiration from, you can bring that wisdom into your own relationships.

You must reject the urge to date unavailable women and you must accept that you broadcast something that unavailable women pick up on and are drawn to. You have to look at what you're broadcasting subconsciously and try to make changes to that. Be more open, more friendly, more social for the sake of being social rather than a means to a sexual end. Discover what your hobby interests are and find a way to pursue them - there is no better way to meet compatible partners than organically through shared interests.

What are your values in life - if you don't know, you should try to figure that out. Shared values is the greatest foundation of healthy and secure relationships - knowing what your values are allows you to identify those values in others.

 

[kiely]

It's the ' thrill, ' enjoyment and consistency of the honeymoon phase. It works well ... and continues.

Change the mindset and the 'script, ' settle down and you might enjoy it.

It can work.

Best Intentions for regarding those caring relationships with mutual respect and consistency. Keep going.

You're fine. Two to tango !!

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

@tryptakid I think you completely misread my post friend - I didn't even mention the relationship-status of the ladies