Hi, there, firstly I'd like to say I'm not all that sure of self incrimination. I see "don't make any effort, it's annoying as fuck and doesn't do anything" but I also see that it can raise suspicion in certain countries (excluding my own, of course). So whatever. Everything I'm about to say I did in an unmentioned different country wherein all my actions were and remain legal.
I'm fourteen and a few months ago I had two psychedelic experiences, al-lad and psilocybin, and one empathogenic experience, mdma. I was having quite a trouble with seeing the point in things. I'm a sophomore now and each day I wake up, go to school and learn things irrelevant to all that I'd ever consider doing for 7 hours, come home and do some coding, and then go to bed. It's a lot better now but still very much there (I do think that the experiences helped me a lot.) Before them, depending on who I talked to I'd sorta become that person in order to minimize conflict because that's what seemed best but during the al-lad what I was thinking about during the other experiences finally clicked: why does it matter? I'm myself and I'll do me things when me wants and if you don't like it then you can kiss my ass, I'm living in my world. It was REALLY wonderful. For weeks after (though the effect was obviously lessened outside of the states) I was just satisfied not caring much at all and doing what I wanted, since I always had tons of anxiety before I felt like a super genius, things just clicked very fast in my head. I just felt very, very nice. I actually began liking new foods (this hasn't gone away at all! yay). The morning after psilocybin I was offered broccoli fresh from the different country and it tasted fantastic and buttery even though it was just broccoli. I hate broccoli! Well, hated. I feel like I appreciate pleasure, I can just be sitting in a chair and think, "This feels genuinely amazing, how have I never thought about how good this feels?", which hasn't faded now, either.
The other parts were wonderful and all, but now I think I've begun to passively realize that I'm the only one who's thinking like this. The world hasn't changed. My school's still a bunch of fake people who will do things like go to animal shelters and take a picture next to the dogs and post a picture saying they do it all the time and they love it when in reality they hate dogs and just want to look like good people. Especially inside the states I'd have loved to just say, "don't you get it?" I don't know what I'd have said they didn't get but I guess it just doesn't work like that. Now something terrifying has begun to happen to me. Not only am I beginning to try to conform to society again, I'm also dissatisfied. I HATE school now. The way they teach is so ineffective and I don't see how they can't see it in the eyes of the students. You don't teach someone English by shoving hundreds of literary devices down their throat, you tell them to express a subject as best they can and give them resources to learn as they go. I feel like all it's doing is creating a bunch of educated idiots and those who were going to be successful will still be successful and those who weren't still won't.
I hope to legally trip again in the near future and I'm wondering how I can cut loose from all the bullshit I now see. Also, could I be doing any harm to myself? I never intend to do mdma again because I just don't think it's a good idea for me personally. But how about al-lad/lsd/mescaline/psilocybin? My mind is very important to me. I'm looking for long term happiness, not short term. For a summary of the effects I feel aren't going away, I'm much more myself than I was, I feel much more open to new experiences, feelings, foods, etc., and I feel like I don't assume the same value in things others do. But I'm still very confused right now. I feel like I'm at the state of confusion and self-seeking that I'd normally be at after college.
I'm fourteen and a few months ago I had two psychedelic experiences, al-lad and psilocybin, and one empathogenic experience, mdma. I was having quite a trouble with seeing the point in things. I'm a sophomore now and each day I wake up, go to school and learn things irrelevant to all that I'd ever consider doing for 7 hours, come home and do some coding, and then go to bed. It's a lot better now but still very much there (I do think that the experiences helped me a lot.) Before them, depending on who I talked to I'd sorta become that person in order to minimize conflict because that's what seemed best but during the al-lad what I was thinking about during the other experiences finally clicked: why does it matter? I'm myself and I'll do me things when me wants and if you don't like it then you can kiss my ass, I'm living in my world. It was REALLY wonderful. For weeks after (though the effect was obviously lessened outside of the states) I was just satisfied not caring much at all and doing what I wanted, since I always had tons of anxiety before I felt like a super genius, things just clicked very fast in my head. I just felt very, very nice. I actually began liking new foods (this hasn't gone away at all! yay). The morning after psilocybin I was offered broccoli fresh from the different country and it tasted fantastic and buttery even though it was just broccoli. I hate broccoli! Well, hated. I feel like I appreciate pleasure, I can just be sitting in a chair and think, "This feels genuinely amazing, how have I never thought about how good this feels?", which hasn't faded now, either.
The other parts were wonderful and all, but now I think I've begun to passively realize that I'm the only one who's thinking like this. The world hasn't changed. My school's still a bunch of fake people who will do things like go to animal shelters and take a picture next to the dogs and post a picture saying they do it all the time and they love it when in reality they hate dogs and just want to look like good people. Especially inside the states I'd have loved to just say, "don't you get it?" I don't know what I'd have said they didn't get but I guess it just doesn't work like that. Now something terrifying has begun to happen to me. Not only am I beginning to try to conform to society again, I'm also dissatisfied. I HATE school now. The way they teach is so ineffective and I don't see how they can't see it in the eyes of the students. You don't teach someone English by shoving hundreds of literary devices down their throat, you tell them to express a subject as best they can and give them resources to learn as they go. I feel like all it's doing is creating a bunch of educated idiots and those who were going to be successful will still be successful and those who weren't still won't.
I hope to legally trip again in the near future and I'm wondering how I can cut loose from all the bullshit I now see. Also, could I be doing any harm to myself? I never intend to do mdma again because I just don't think it's a good idea for me personally. But how about al-lad/lsd/mescaline/psilocybin? My mind is very important to me. I'm looking for long term happiness, not short term. For a summary of the effects I feel aren't going away, I'm much more myself than I was, I feel much more open to new experiences, feelings, foods, etc., and I feel like I don't assume the same value in things others do. But I'm still very confused right now. I feel like I'm at the state of confusion and self-seeking that I'd normally be at after college.
