Well, to explain all of my circumstances would be a great challenge for their length and involvement is quite great, however, I am currently in a bad place, mentally. About a week and a half a go, I was released from a one week psych ward stay, which I requested after having somewhat of an outburst and feeling “overwhelmed”. After arriving home (I live with my grandparents), things seemed to be okay for the first few days, but the past few days have not been at all pleasant.
The past few days I have been journaling my thoughts and feelings, and while this is quite therapeutic, it has made me realize just how shitty I really feel. I feel overwhelmed, plagued, and overall just not right. I do have a tendency to stir things up, and have been impulsive in the past, but lately I have just been miserable. I have tried to control it tightly so that my grandparents would not be affected, but today there was a fairly major conflict between me and my grandmother over something very small. In the arguing, even the past few days, I have just been experiencing feelings of bleakness. That is the best way to describe it. I feel bleak and am losing the hope for my life I once held onto. We have moved from a house I was very attached to, right before the hospitalization, and I told myself I would be fine after it, but I am not fine. I always try to put on the best positive attitude toward life, but it all seems so unpleasant now. And, I am stuck in the situation, horribly stuck.
My grandparents were very upset over the psych ward admission, and felt I was to blame because I wanted to go, so they are very anti-psych ward. I cannot blame them, but the one I was last at is quite nice in comparison to the others. The doctors do not take me seriously at all, however, and I do not want to return. So I am in the midst of drafting a rough plan, all in my mind, of course, on escaping this situation as it is, without returning. I plan on malingering, that is, making up ails I do not have, or exaggerating them to gain something from it. In my case, I would like to gain attention, refuge from this situation, and, yes, drugs. I am aware this is all unhealthy, and am not seeking advice on how to garner drugs or the like, I simply need to express somewhere these plans, and what is driving me to them.
My plan is either one of two things. Either I will intentionally injure myself so as not to cause irrevocable damage, but warrant hospitalization, perhaps in the ICU, or to come down with horrible headaches (persistent severe migraines with vomiting and all). These are not good ideas, I know, but the alternates are worse. Suicide is even seeming to be more attractive day by day, though I know I mustn’t do this, and I won’t. Also, if I stay as I am, and continue to repress all of this, I fear that I will explode at some point (as I have in past) and be hospitalized in a psych ward for a possibly extended amount of time. I cannot do another psych ward. My family would be so upset, verging on disownment, probably, and I cannot stand the doctors in those places.
The point of the matter is that I have had a lot of shit in my life, a lot, and this is just too much. I see a therapist and psychiatrist, and all of that, and am versed in psychology and psychiatry. I was dx’d with a number of disorders, but PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder seem to be most in line with my dx’s. I just cannot bear it anymore, and people have MUCH less sympathy for psych patients than for patients with pain or physical conditions IME. I love life too much to end it, and preach against it constantly. And, so, I need to get out, without leaving for good. I suppose I just want to be heard, as everyone feels I am ridiculous, and feedback would be much appreciated. Bluelight is a place I know can help me.
Thanks, Alex
The past few days I have been journaling my thoughts and feelings, and while this is quite therapeutic, it has made me realize just how shitty I really feel. I feel overwhelmed, plagued, and overall just not right. I do have a tendency to stir things up, and have been impulsive in the past, but lately I have just been miserable. I have tried to control it tightly so that my grandparents would not be affected, but today there was a fairly major conflict between me and my grandmother over something very small. In the arguing, even the past few days, I have just been experiencing feelings of bleakness. That is the best way to describe it. I feel bleak and am losing the hope for my life I once held onto. We have moved from a house I was very attached to, right before the hospitalization, and I told myself I would be fine after it, but I am not fine. I always try to put on the best positive attitude toward life, but it all seems so unpleasant now. And, I am stuck in the situation, horribly stuck.
My grandparents were very upset over the psych ward admission, and felt I was to blame because I wanted to go, so they are very anti-psych ward. I cannot blame them, but the one I was last at is quite nice in comparison to the others. The doctors do not take me seriously at all, however, and I do not want to return. So I am in the midst of drafting a rough plan, all in my mind, of course, on escaping this situation as it is, without returning. I plan on malingering, that is, making up ails I do not have, or exaggerating them to gain something from it. In my case, I would like to gain attention, refuge from this situation, and, yes, drugs. I am aware this is all unhealthy, and am not seeking advice on how to garner drugs or the like, I simply need to express somewhere these plans, and what is driving me to them.
My plan is either one of two things. Either I will intentionally injure myself so as not to cause irrevocable damage, but warrant hospitalization, perhaps in the ICU, or to come down with horrible headaches (persistent severe migraines with vomiting and all). These are not good ideas, I know, but the alternates are worse. Suicide is even seeming to be more attractive day by day, though I know I mustn’t do this, and I won’t. Also, if I stay as I am, and continue to repress all of this, I fear that I will explode at some point (as I have in past) and be hospitalized in a psych ward for a possibly extended amount of time. I cannot do another psych ward. My family would be so upset, verging on disownment, probably, and I cannot stand the doctors in those places.
The point of the matter is that I have had a lot of shit in my life, a lot, and this is just too much. I see a therapist and psychiatrist, and all of that, and am versed in psychology and psychiatry. I was dx’d with a number of disorders, but PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder seem to be most in line with my dx’s. I just cannot bear it anymore, and people have MUCH less sympathy for psych patients than for patients with pain or physical conditions IME. I love life too much to end it, and preach against it constantly. And, so, I need to get out, without leaving for good. I suppose I just want to be heard, as everyone feels I am ridiculous, and feedback would be much appreciated. Bluelight is a place I know can help me.
Thanks, Alex
