Ultimately, this is a spiritual crisis.

[RobotRipping]

If you've read any of my posts lately u'd notice i delete them all lol.

Overall, my life is going much better and things are back on track but holy fuck I am lost!!!

I mean with MXE/DXM/K/whatever... I have this purpose. I am a visionary prophet recognizing the interal workings of consciousness and its relation to the universe. I feel SOOO connected when i get like that.

I become insanely creative. I composed like 40 songs while on MXE and I still think they are great a year later, I don't even remember doing most of it.

How do i get that sense of wonder back? that whole spiritual drive? Everything is soo cold right now, mechanical, stuck in this physical body to endure the degradation of the form of my particles or whatever. There's no spirit! How can that be for me? I am all about this stuff.

Will it just come back again? or is it really caused by dissociatives? or both?

I'd appreciate hearing from others who go through this. For me its cyclical. I'll be doing great then I'll feel like this is pointless and i don't want to do it. I just look back at my posts in here and I miss that person. He was fucking nuts yes but he loved it.

I feel just weird because my life is so different now. I'm actually going to have a job, I'm going to have school, I can't be so drug fucked, I have to grow up a bit. I have my family now. I don't have a girlfiend but I am meeting people and it's weird. Life is so fuckin strange.

 

[Crankinit]

It seems like a spiritual crisis calls for a spiritual solution (a non-chemical one, the spiritual value of hallucinogens is hit and miss, in my experience). Do you meditate, or practice a yogic discipline? Read philosophical and spiritual texts? etc etc. If you want spiritual meaning in your life, look for it, don't just sit on your ass an expect it to appear.

 

[RobotRipping]

I do yes, but it comes and goes in spurts. Growth occurs rapidly at times and is stunted at others. It's like my head bobbing up from the water and going back down.

I just feel off, something is missing, like a puzzle piece that is integral to developing the whole picture or something. I get that feeling that something is trying to 'click'

in the past I haven't been able to initaiate such a state, it just happens and usually not at a good time. I just don't have that connection, that feeling of unity or oneness. I don't feel part of something. I can tell myself I am but it doesn't matter. I enjoy feeling like I am guided but the longer I live the more I realize that there is no guiding force and really I can do whatever the fuck I want and in turn anything can happen to me, there is no limit to the good or the bad.

there's no one up there looking out for me or guiding me. Existential crisis much? lol i dont want to get caught in a silly debate about predetermism or whatever but sometimes my beliefs contradict my feelings and this is one of those times.

The only time things come together are those brief moments, like when u hear a song and u look at something and for a brief second, you get it . This is why. And then it's gone again.

 

[sekio]

Do you have any hobbies or time allocated towards bettering yourself, or are you simply living "on the grind" as it were?

If you want to feel happy you should do things that make you feel happy... try not to live through other people, if that makes any sense. Don't expect to find an instant God switch like dissociative drugs either, but at the same time recognize that if you get into an activity you really like and can continue doing for some time, you can expect to feel much more present and, well, happy. Especially if it is physically and/or mentally challenging... realistically, you'll see best results if you can try to do a few different things.

If it's religion, gaming, skateboarding, whatever... just find something better to do than reminisce about old times and/or get blottoed. And if you can't think of anything, that's a good excuse to try something new.

Also, needs to be said: Continued abuse of dissociative drugs isn't mentally good for you. They cause less enlightenment than they appear to.

 

[Ninae]

I can actually really relate. There was a time (before it became illegal in Europe) I would use a mix os MXE ans Benzos and describe all the boundless creativity and spiritual connection to Creation as you describe. It was so effortless, too, just like a normal daily activity.

However, now I've actually used up all the drugs I can or want to use, and the only answear is building up your health body. It will effect both your brain and consciousness and make you feel miles better. By that I mean nutrition, anti-oxidising, hydrating, getting enough oxygen, and exercising.

Learn all about it you can do. It is actually the only way. And when it starts to work you will feel 10 times better than a daily alcoholic, who feels miserable.

 

[malakaix]

I really would rather avoid mentioning this, because i don't want to direct the conversation towards this but the way you describe all of this sounds so much like what's known as The Dark Night of the Soul. - I did a lot of research into this many years ago and found a lot of relevance but no real solutions and i've largely dismissed it as i've moved further away from "Spirituality" and more into Existential Nihilism.

I went through what your experiencing (i still am.. to some degree) somewhere around 5 years ago, i went from feeling connected to a sense of unity and feeling creative to feeling like i had been 'cut off' from the source so to speak. Up until this point it's as though you effortlessly flow through life and then you become aware of the light within you and the immense sense of unity with everything and everyone; a catharsis of spiritual proportions. And then the lights go out and you're in the dark.. more abandoned and alone then ever..

Your left to wonder through what feels like an empty existence.. everything of value has washed away, meaning is irrelevant or non existent. Its as though you came into contact with everything and are now left with nothing, i think this is a paradox though and perception is tricked through it.. what is really happening is the slow, but painful transition into authentic self-actualization where you become aware of this:

"there is no guiding force and really I can do whatever the fuck I want and in turn anything can happen to me, there is no limit to the good or the bad."

I think there's some inbuilt sense of rejection to this notion of freedom on such a level, because it creates an awareness that existence is inherently chaotic.. it takes away any doubt that there could be some objective meaning or value within it and places that responsibility squarely on you.. which in retrospect isnt this the greatest sense of creativity and freedom an individual could aspire too.. defining their own existence without restriction? This is how i understand it from my own experience, it just goes deeper and deeper as the years roll on.. i think on some level your coming into a real deep connection with yourself stripped down from everything that was a part of you prior to becoming aware of this sense of 'spiritual connection'.

I just wish i had some damm advice.. I personally don't use psychedelics or disassociatives these days; as they no longer provide that great sense of mystery and unity they once did, but rather continue to remind me of what im already aware of. If it's of any consolation.. im also completley lost and have no idea what im doing..

 

[thujone]

I think it's something to do with losing touch with the baseline. After doing a bunch of drugs and winding up in all these crazy abstractions of reality, you start to feel like [sober] reality is just another abstraction and far less engaging than the environments presented by drugs. I found Zen Buddhism to be really interesting specifically because it involves, fundamentally, viewing reality as an abstraction rather than as the absolute, concrete environment we generally view it as, in which everything can and MUST be examined and quantified... and made mundane in the process.

IME I've found that being able to view reality as a crazy abstraction in which crazy shit routinely happens was elemental in bringing back the creative spark after that ability was dulled by drug use.

 

[RobotRipping]

i get what you're all saying. Sober life is fucking boring though... like seriously so cut off from all things great. The creativity, drive, motivation, glory, euphoria is all but absent. In turn I get stability, that's it.. that's nice and all but I love the extreme.... even a withdrawal is better than being sober. I am a creative person, a spiritual person and to be cut off from all that is horrifying. On the other hand I am a drug addict, a massive drug addict and i need to balance those two conflicting lifestyles or i'll die. A balance can be struck but it involves tremendous suffering, withdrawals constantly, ups and downs, extreme highs and lows.... maybe i can accept that? maybe i want more i dont know anymore. I still feel like i am meant to find something from psychs/diss/stims and to be great from it, at least in my mind. Sound a bit deluded? I can't stop dreaming tho and if i never make it... oh well.

 

[sekio]

Dissociatives aren't some sort of magical medicine. They're a fun diversion at best. There is absolutely nothing that you can do on MXE that you can't do sober...

Sober life is what you make of it. Relying on chemicals all the time to make life fun makes you fundamentally a weak person.

Nobody has discovered any mythical truths or found any gods in any sort of a verifiable fashion by doing loads of ketamine. And MXE doesn't really make you some sort of Paul Erdos either.

 

[RobotRipping]

I have to disagree. I think history has shown that psychs have played an important role in our evolution both intellectual and spiritual. Whether its verifiable or not is a different issue but I know what I've experienced and that is proof enough for me.