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BananasAndOranges

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
1,982
I have made some posts mean to others in the past. I feel bad about it all. I'm fucked in the head. I just got my feelings hurt and I don't know what to do that was my last button. I feel like the ugliest kid on the planet. I really dont know how much more I can taker im circling my house with a knife. I hate myself. Fuck fuck fuck fuck
 
Can I ask you how old you are? During my teenage years I hated everything about myself; how I looked, acted, etc. I think this is a normal thing to go through. It is also possible to accept yourself the way you are without having to be the person you think you need to be.

What else is bothering you?
 
Looks don't mean shit buddy. Its worth it man, you can get clean.

Hating yourself never got anyone anywhere dude. This phase will pass brotha. You have to learn to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you've made. Just try to learn from them.
 
Since you are circling your house with a knife I want to ask that you put it down. This crisis will pass--don't make this event something of permanent importance. If you need to call a crisis line or even emergency services that is far better than hurting yourself or anyone else.
 
B&O talk to us man, what's going on? You're not ugly, and I'm sorry that someone made you feel this way. You will get through this though, please take care of yourself <3
 
It took me a long time to realize this, but the only people's opinions that matter are your own and the people you care about. Fuck everyone else.

You can't choose your family, so unless they earn your love, fuck them too. I love my wife, I hope I make her happy on a daily basis. I love my sister, I hope her life is good. And i care deeply for my friends.

I don't care for the opinions of anyone else. It has no bearing on my life.

Don't let people get you down. And bad moments pass. It's a cliche, but time really does heal. I hate that the actions of others can impact your life so greatly. Ruin a day, ruin a night, make you miserable and upset. Hate that. Try to take that frustration out in a safe way. Then talk it out, even posting to a bunch of anonymous people on the web will at least let you get it out of your system.

Good luck.
 
Even if you are not the prettiest person in the world, it doesnt matter really because everyone is really hot if they are the right chemistry for you. Seriously stupid things like jaw line and little imperfections dont matter once you jump in the sac a couple of times.. Not just that, all it means to be beautiful is privileged. So what if you dont have extra privileges? Most humans dont!!
 
Don't do anything stupid right now, okay? People all too often make hasty decisions that can affect their entire lives. If you're going to make such a huge decision, do it in your right mind, otherwise you don't really know if you actually wanna go through with this (and I recommend you don't!).

Look, EVERYONE feels ugly at some point so you're not alone. Don't think that "this" is it. If you need to talk to anyone you can PM me because I'll be around for a little while.
 
Time gives you perspective. Wait an hour, a day, a week. And think on your situation when you're not emotional about it. Emotion clouds judgment.

Don't act in haste, there are people to talk to who want to help.
 
I feel ya. It will pass if you let it, or it will blow up in your face if you let it. You decide.
 
BananasAndOranges said:
I have made some posts mean to others in the past. I feel bad about it all. I'm fucked in the head. I just got my feelings hurt and I don't know what to do that was my last button. I feel like the ugliest kid on the planet. I really dont know how much more I can taker im circling my house with a knife. I hate myself. Fuck fuck fuck fuck
Click to expand...

hurting yourself only allows others to win. go lay down and try get some rest.

your prob not even ugly;)(and if your a dude i mean that in a totally non-gay way)
 
It sounds to me that you're rather young. Still in high school? When I was in high school, I thought that was the end all of life. Please put down the knife and try to focus on something positive in your life, things you have talent for.

In my senior year, my best friend of 7 years stole my boyfriend of 1 and a 1/2, and he was my first everything to boot.

Please don't hurt yourself, even superficially. That can lead to an addiction in itself. I was addicted to cutting myself for the majority of high school. It's a hard habit to break and I would strongly suggest you don't begin.

If your plan is suicide, please realize that you're reasons for doing so are temporary, but the act you are planning to do is irreversible.

You are not ugly. Whoever convinced you of that is both wrong and a downright lowlife, preying on other kids to feel better about themselves. The truth is probably that they're as insecure as you are, and verbally abusing others is a way for them to cope.

Going through high school was a complete and utter mess for me. All my girlfriends pretty much abandoned me, especially senior year when my best friend decided she wanted to go out with my first love of a year and a half.

But school eventually ends, and so does all the stupid drama.

Please don't hurt yourself. If you need someone to talk to, PM me. I've been through a lot, perhaps there could be some way I could help.
 
I'm 20. My life consists of waking up, taking the train to the clinic, getting back home, feeling stupid, slight mood uplift, stupid, sleep at 2pm. Sleep at 4am. I Hate everything I've done altogether. Its lame. I don't like being in my shoes. Its the worse feeling. The feeling that you always wish would never happen or could never happen to you and it is you. I hate all the guys that have fucked me over.I feel really perverted. I'm gay. I like older men. I guess by older I mean I have a very good 50yr old friend I've had for a few years. I don't like how I feel. I have been fucked and then oh hey I got a boyfriend. It happened yesterday. It was fucking pathetic. I met the guy on a dating site because no one would ever want to talk to me. Everyone tends to talk to the people who don't have a fucked up face and a grin. So pathetic. Then I let him come over right, and the second day he tells me oh I have a boyfriend. All while he was trying to fuck me. I didn't know what to say as I really did like the guy. He was the guy I felt I had been looking for---for a long time. I don't care about the fact I'm young--age is meaningless. I've never had a friend thats been to nice to me in my life. I just go to the clinic everyday and do nothing. I smoke weed all day. I'm a loner in society and a loner as a person. I'm embarrassed I typed all this up in a way but what the fuck ever more time for anyone to laugh at my lame crybaby situation as I keep getting told basically. Maybe it is but I dont think it is. This has been going on for 3 years. I don't know how I'm still here typing this. I love life, infact that was going to be my first tattoo. Will be if I ever get one. Not because I love life but because I know someone else does, and its usually what I get people to think, but last night crossed the line. Shit the guy didn't even want to be friends. I let some 42 year old have some fun with me, and he didn't care a thing about me. Not even if I was happy or sad. I get worried at night that sometimes I dunno if I over did it or what, and I have breathing problems in general. No one ever comes to me. I'm with a girl, I'm at home dont wanna come down there, No response. Everyone walks on me and I'm just fed up. My stress level is the highest its ever been, I feel sick with my opiate addiction, and my life right now and how sick and twisted in the head I am getting.

and I'm a Homo go figure
 
You have a lot going on. There is no making all of this better in at once. If we start putting these problems into clusters and work on things one at a time. Otherwise its all very overwhelming and can seem hopeless. Can someone at the clinic find you a counselor or therapist to help with working on some of this? Who have you asked for help so far, with what results?
 
I've also been a horrible drug addict for 4 years. No one willl ever think a ex needle shooter is hot. especially a iv heroin user. Or some fucked up weirdo who decided to take mdmc for months on end everyday of the week, and sometimes going to the 14 dose mark I've never told anyone this but on of the mods. I think it was 6 or 5 months of doing that shit everyday. It feels like no one will ever be my friend or whatever. I walked up lake today by myself and felt like shit. Stupid idea. No one cares. No one ever bothers me for anything besides drugs. No one. Just drugs and sex. Friend called the other day told me to come over and watch tv so I did he said I hope you like to nap. I said sure. I don't mind if were friends but he wanted me to get in my boxers. He decided he wanted to play sex buddies again after he told me we could be friends. He was being way to intimate and he knew it and I was scratching his back massaging him if you will while he was sleeping. He ended up cumming and I ended up not partly because the methadone and well he didn't seem to even put effort into it like I did so I put my head down and put my clothes back on after I cleaned his mess up. He told me he never wanted to play again. He knew he was playing with my emotions and I told him beforehand I was looking for more. I did say some shit but I don't think that matters. This has happened before. He also asked me what I was ona dn always does ask me what I'm on whats new, what drug I'm doing now, its mean because I gave it all up besides weed and my doctor presribed meds. This is just fucking awful. I feel uncomfortbable and cold.
 
dude-- please hang in there. I care. I feel like we're friends because we both hang out at bluelight. we both really like opiates, lol. i wish we were in the same city, that way we could hang. i'm also trying to kick H, but i'm using sub. i'll trade ya...

if you're dire straights, go to an NA meeting and tell them you're trying to get sober. those people will help. instant friends. keep writing up here. go back to school. refuse to sleep with a dude until it's like the 3rd date.
 
You're not alone. Until I met my girlfriend (here on Bluelight actually!) I was constantly used by people for drugs and sex. I thought I had friends and lovers, but it turned out that they didn't really give a shit about me at all. That was a huge blow to my self esteem. I'm a transgendered girl, and believe me, it's been so hard to find someone who wants to be more than just fuckbuddies. I've also had horrible depression ever since I was a teen, and nothing seemed to lift my mood except drugs. My days are pretty boring too - all I do is go to appointments, surf the net, smoke ciggies, and watch TV. I have no job, I had to drop out of university a couple of years ago due to my drug problems, and now I also have 3 criminal convictions. Try to find a counsellor/therapist if you can. I'm seeing a drug counsellor once a week, and it helps so much to talk about life and all the problems I'm trying to deal with. Whatever you do, don't harm yourself! You never know what's around the corner in life. If you end it all now you're giving up any hope of finding happiness in the future. Feel free to PM me if you want - I'm always here to try to help. :)
 
20 people would maybe be at my funeral. How depressing is that. The city of cold ass rude fucking cunts is where I live.
 
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