Ugh

The guilt, the guilt, the guilt...
I'm feeling it. All of the shit I've stolen from my family...money, jewelry...god, coin collections...I've done it all and I kept the guilt at bay with drugs... Anytime I'd think about it and start to feel the guilt...that feeling of butterflies in my stomach...I would just get high and kind of forget about it...
The process of setting up...pouring my shit into a cap...mixing in the water...filling the syringe, tying off...finding a vein...that was what got my mind off of things and during the process I would just forget...but now...right now, I'm obsessing...writing this down is helping... but i don't know why this just hit me... I want it to go away!!!

 

Writing does help. I've done heaps of shit that I'm not proud of... when I think about it I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty. But it's in the past. All I can do is try to move on and not repeat the same shit. I don't wanna stoop that low again.

 

Oh gawd. When I recall all the terrible shit I've done just to get my fix, I die a little bit inside. The embarrassment & guilt I feel sometimes is overwhelming. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I have betrayed every single person I care about. I suppose one day it will fade...the guilt. but as of now it hasn't...

 

fuck the guilt. It aint worth it. The shit you talk about is fuck all compared the deeds others have done....be it me taking lives one by one because I put my value on who's worth more, all the way to the likes of pot pol and hitler.

fuck, you aint put a drop of water into the swimming pool of evil of the world...which is mostly filled with blood anyways.

dont be so hard on ya self, and just tell em all I just dont give a fuck.

 

pshh, yea I guess in comaprison to the deeds of others, im on the purer end of the spectrum...but comparing myself to myself...im a shit smear on the underpants of the world.... i know its in the past...the recent past and i do move on...no dwelling for this bitch...i just don't like thinking about it...