Ugh

[DeathDomokun]

I just don't know what to do. Well I do, I know I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing until something changes.
The thing is, I'm just so sick of it. I'm so lost. I mean, I'm sure we've all heard the quotes about not being lost if you don't have a place to be/direction, but I find that entirely correct. Not knowing where you are, or where you're going, is being lost. By this definition, I'm very fucking lost.
I just, it doesn't make sense. Everyone else seems so fucking content with their lives, and here I am, stuck, stagnant in a pool of shit with crusty shit floating on the top.
Invading all my sense, mildewing any passion I once had, creating this turmoil between apathy and a reason to live. Creating unadulterated dissonance, filling me up to the brim.
I'm just wasting my time away. That's all I've been doing, is just trying to waste away the time in the most efficient manner.
I'm not doing anything with my life, and I don't have the desire to do so.
I don't enjoy anything. I don't have any desire. I don't have any hobbies to pursue, or movies to enjoy, or music to make, or words to write, or mountains to climb.
I'm void of everything that isn't a shitty emotion. I have an abundance of those affecting my consciousness at any given time.
I just can't work it out. I'm going to get kicked out of home soon, and then what? I don't want a job. I don't even want to be alive.
I don't know why I sustain my existence. What am I going to do to continue such a thing? Why would I want to continue to do such a thing?

I'm just so sick of everything. Life seems so bleak, I don't derive any pleasure from this chaotically festering pile of shit that is my awareness. I don't have anything to contribute to society, I don't even like society. The things I can contribute to people are things most anyone should be capable of doing. I don't want to add anything. I don't want to take anything.

The reasons for me to die far outweight the reasons for me to live, and it's not like this is something new. I'm just getting so sick of my existence, you know?
I just don't want to take any more of this. I don't want to deal with this any longer. I don't know why I do, I just know I'm going to continue to do so, but the converse is looking so fucking desirable right now.

 

[Mayonaise812]

I think everyone has these thoughts at some point. the difference between other people and you is probably that they realize that life is short and to make the best of it. you only live once and if your not happy doing what your doing or interacting with the same people, change it. thats all i can say. try taking some college courses if you havent, give yourself something to put your energy into. We all know that work sucks but it gives you a reason to get out of bed and an accomplishment for each day. do you exercise at all? just a simple jog every other day will help wonders for you and give you a chance to get out of the house. I think you're pretty depressed (like ALOT of us) but you just have to fight it. I know that being with other people can be hard sometimes.. its hard to see tomorrow when your stuck in yesterday.

 

[herbavore]

What have you tried so far for your depression? When you are in the depths of it like that it can feel pretty unbearable. Sometimes you have to force yourself to stick with one thing and not try one thing after another. Drugs get you used to having an instant mood change. Trying to work through a depression can feel futile when you jump from one recommended activity to another finding none of them "work". Often you just haven't given one thing enough time. If you start exercising stick with it for at least a month regularly, then decide if it is helping. Planting a garden at this time of year can be great if you have a community garden where you live or space at home---it takes a lot of physical work, it is therapeutic to hand pull weeds and you get attached to seeing everything grow. That is just one suggestion but what the above poster said is the bottom line: life is very short. The older you get, the faster it flashes by. Just enjoy the natural world if nothing else--it's free, you have a place in it and it needs you.

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way--I know it feels like being outside of something and looking in. The trick is to find a hook and grab it and let it pull you in.

 

[DeathDomokun]

That's the problem, I can't just enjoy the natural world. I can't just enjoy near everything I've done.
Life just is. Irrespective of whether it's short or long, I don't want it any longer.

 

[Mayonaise812]

what drugs did you abuse? and are you still on them? have you tried any medications/therapy? i know life is hard now but if you take it step by step you can overcome any obstacle.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Seek out enjoyable things in life that aren't related to drugs. Even if there aren't many of them for you.