This is quite long but I would really appreciate atleast one reply, thanks
Okay, heres my background:
im 20 years old, from the UK and just finished my first year at university, I wanna mention here that my mother is schizophrenic. I have been taking MDMA occasionally for the past 5 months, never mixing with anything apart from 1 beer before hand to relax, to keep this thorough i will list my dates and doses to follow the story:
mid january - 16th of a gram, pure and trusted.
After doing a lot of research I finally took my first. amazing experience, as the first time always is, slightly anxious before but completely legitimate as first time taking, peaked 2 hours in and had a 30 second freak out, but after that completely fine and awesome, amazing night and only a gentle come down
early feb - roughly between 16th and 8th of a gram, same source as before
in a drug orientated club, had a great time, this was what I would describe as a standard roll, felt amazing, relaxing next day
*day after last roll* - roughly 8th gram, same source
Completely numbed experience compared to the rest as expected, still nice but less feely, just relaxing, again the next day was very tiring as expected
End of april - just over 16th gram, much less trusted source
Friend of a friend game had some on a night out in a club, was with my girlfriend who was drinking, felt slightly irritable but still amazing, couldn’t decide whether I wanted to dance or sit down for most of the night which was annoying, but when I got home I managed to have sex with my girlfriend in a shower which was a truely amazing experience (even without orgasm) still unsure if this was completely mdma or it was mixed with something.
Early may - over a quarter of grams over the night, same trusted source as first times, different batch
Completely intense experience comparable to first time, very slow and clean come up in waves, slight 30 second freak out at the peak, with slight memory lapses of bits of the night as if I was drinking. Slight CEV’s when I closed my eyes to sleep, very mellow come down overall felt very very clean.
For the next 2 weeks almost I felt slightly disconnected from reality, like I wasn’t directly controlling myself and there was a lag between info sent and received and I was very aware of it, I also felt a slight bit of depression mid week, but as far as I can remember that faded.the disconnection faded (to my relief)
I believe this was probably too much mdma for me and I will never take that much again.
End of may - less than 16th -same batch as before
Me and my friends decided to split the leftovers from the roll 1 month before and each had a very small amount. As soon as I bombed it I felt very anxious and worried for what seemed to be an unknown reason, maybe connected to the depression and disconnected feeling from the huge roll last month. And also because there were 4 of us and my girlfriend who sometimes feels left out when we all roll as she only drinks. For the whole night I felt anxious about her and constantly thinking and assessing if she was having a good time.
As far as I know it was from this point that I have felt a slight uneasy feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and during the next week I started to feel depressed, maybe because of this feeling. Despite the mdma there were also external factors that could have influenced the depression , for example I was struggling to find work for the summer, and leaving university to live at home for 3 months, and knowing that it was possible I would not see my girlfriend for 3 months (she lives in france) when I think of these I feel a different type of sadness to the sinking feeling.
I began to really obsess about the depression and the sinking feeling which is rather heavy now, believing it was linked to the MDMA, which is kind of why Im here, to clear things up.
I keep trying to weigh things up in my mind, constantly thinking about MDMA and how it could have affected my mind, both chemically and psychologically, this is becoming a repeating thought and causing me great discomfort to the point where I feel so down and closed off it makes me run thoughts very very quickly which isn’t very nice.
1 week later - between a sixteenth and a quarter, untrusted source
1 week later it was my birthday and I was back home, I had a party of 8 of my closest friends from home at a friends house and decided to go to a club. For the whole day I had felt down and actually slightly sick and a couple of friends had noticed, I drank a small amount before entering the club. The sinking feeling was still going strong, I was finding it hard to talk to my friends and wasn’t enjoying the night. One of my friends was looking for some mcat, which I have heard isn’t a very nice substance and isn’t as nice of a high. I then decided to get drunk, I drank 2 quad vods (you can buy them here) and 2 jagabombs rather fast, but no faster than I have in the past. I then vommed them back up again in the toilets. £10 worth of drinks gone!
My mate came back saying he couldn’t find any but found a guy with some mdma, which he’d actually never tried before. I decided that I would go for it and see if it cured my feelings as a tester and also to finish my birthday well. I thought I might be able to think my way out of it too as a type of therapy.
The md was good and felt clear, the guy didn’t seem dodgey but im aware this was a dodgey move to take, but I met someone else who was rolling pretty well who had taken some off him so I took my chances.
The feeling in my stomach disappeared as I came up and I had an amazing night, it really made my birthday and it was nice to be free of the feeling. I had a nice comedown but slightly nauseous, as I had been the whole day before.
Its now 2 days since my party and I feel slightly better, but the sinking has just come back, not as nad as before as of yet, I have small waves of depressive thoughts and they are always directly linked to thoughts about mdma but no way near as bad as before. For now obviously
My question after all of that is this: Is it time to end my MDMA experience?
my next opportunity to take mdma is early august, my plan for now is to see how things go for the next 6 weeks, and time myself to feel completely better, if I am okay by then I will take again, if I am not, then I will wait until I feel better and take the next opportunity. When I am eventually completely better I will use that as a rule of thumb to how often I should take it, if it takes 4 months then I will only take it every four months regardless of how I feel.
I might update next week as to how im feeling then, but I feel a damn sight better than I did last week.
Thanks for your time
P.S. a month ago (when I felt okay) I decided that I might try LSD at some point, I am aware that if I feel like this its definitely a bad idea but if I feel well again in the future do you think it would be a good idea? I am never worried about dreams and thoughts at all but I have a small thing about drugs and my state of mind which im sure is linked to my mum and I wonder if that would become bigger if I took acid and ruin my trip, I am very self assessing and the future of my state of mind is something I ponder over a lot, but at the same time I feel very stable.
Okay, heres my background:
im 20 years old, from the UK and just finished my first year at university, I wanna mention here that my mother is schizophrenic. I have been taking MDMA occasionally for the past 5 months, never mixing with anything apart from 1 beer before hand to relax, to keep this thorough i will list my dates and doses to follow the story:
mid january - 16th of a gram, pure and trusted.
After doing a lot of research I finally took my first. amazing experience, as the first time always is, slightly anxious before but completely legitimate as first time taking, peaked 2 hours in and had a 30 second freak out, but after that completely fine and awesome, amazing night and only a gentle come down
early feb - roughly between 16th and 8th of a gram, same source as before
in a drug orientated club, had a great time, this was what I would describe as a standard roll, felt amazing, relaxing next day
*day after last roll* - roughly 8th gram, same source
Completely numbed experience compared to the rest as expected, still nice but less feely, just relaxing, again the next day was very tiring as expected
End of april - just over 16th gram, much less trusted source
Friend of a friend game had some on a night out in a club, was with my girlfriend who was drinking, felt slightly irritable but still amazing, couldn’t decide whether I wanted to dance or sit down for most of the night which was annoying, but when I got home I managed to have sex with my girlfriend in a shower which was a truely amazing experience (even without orgasm) still unsure if this was completely mdma or it was mixed with something.
Early may - over a quarter of grams over the night, same trusted source as first times, different batch
Completely intense experience comparable to first time, very slow and clean come up in waves, slight 30 second freak out at the peak, with slight memory lapses of bits of the night as if I was drinking. Slight CEV’s when I closed my eyes to sleep, very mellow come down overall felt very very clean.
For the next 2 weeks almost I felt slightly disconnected from reality, like I wasn’t directly controlling myself and there was a lag between info sent and received and I was very aware of it, I also felt a slight bit of depression mid week, but as far as I can remember that faded.the disconnection faded (to my relief)
I believe this was probably too much mdma for me and I will never take that much again.
End of may - less than 16th -same batch as before
Me and my friends decided to split the leftovers from the roll 1 month before and each had a very small amount. As soon as I bombed it I felt very anxious and worried for what seemed to be an unknown reason, maybe connected to the depression and disconnected feeling from the huge roll last month. And also because there were 4 of us and my girlfriend who sometimes feels left out when we all roll as she only drinks. For the whole night I felt anxious about her and constantly thinking and assessing if she was having a good time.
As far as I know it was from this point that I have felt a slight uneasy feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and during the next week I started to feel depressed, maybe because of this feeling. Despite the mdma there were also external factors that could have influenced the depression , for example I was struggling to find work for the summer, and leaving university to live at home for 3 months, and knowing that it was possible I would not see my girlfriend for 3 months (she lives in france) when I think of these I feel a different type of sadness to the sinking feeling.
I began to really obsess about the depression and the sinking feeling which is rather heavy now, believing it was linked to the MDMA, which is kind of why Im here, to clear things up.
I keep trying to weigh things up in my mind, constantly thinking about MDMA and how it could have affected my mind, both chemically and psychologically, this is becoming a repeating thought and causing me great discomfort to the point where I feel so down and closed off it makes me run thoughts very very quickly which isn’t very nice.
1 week later - between a sixteenth and a quarter, untrusted source
1 week later it was my birthday and I was back home, I had a party of 8 of my closest friends from home at a friends house and decided to go to a club. For the whole day I had felt down and actually slightly sick and a couple of friends had noticed, I drank a small amount before entering the club. The sinking feeling was still going strong, I was finding it hard to talk to my friends and wasn’t enjoying the night. One of my friends was looking for some mcat, which I have heard isn’t a very nice substance and isn’t as nice of a high. I then decided to get drunk, I drank 2 quad vods (you can buy them here) and 2 jagabombs rather fast, but no faster than I have in the past. I then vommed them back up again in the toilets. £10 worth of drinks gone!
My mate came back saying he couldn’t find any but found a guy with some mdma, which he’d actually never tried before. I decided that I would go for it and see if it cured my feelings as a tester and also to finish my birthday well. I thought I might be able to think my way out of it too as a type of therapy.
The md was good and felt clear, the guy didn’t seem dodgey but im aware this was a dodgey move to take, but I met someone else who was rolling pretty well who had taken some off him so I took my chances.
The feeling in my stomach disappeared as I came up and I had an amazing night, it really made my birthday and it was nice to be free of the feeling. I had a nice comedown but slightly nauseous, as I had been the whole day before.
Its now 2 days since my party and I feel slightly better, but the sinking has just come back, not as nad as before as of yet, I have small waves of depressive thoughts and they are always directly linked to thoughts about mdma but no way near as bad as before. For now obviously
My question after all of that is this: Is it time to end my MDMA experience?
my next opportunity to take mdma is early august, my plan for now is to see how things go for the next 6 weeks, and time myself to feel completely better, if I am okay by then I will take again, if I am not, then I will wait until I feel better and take the next opportunity. When I am eventually completely better I will use that as a rule of thumb to how often I should take it, if it takes 4 months then I will only take it every four months regardless of how I feel.
I might update next week as to how im feeling then, but I feel a damn sight better than I did last week.
Thanks for your time
P.S. a month ago (when I felt okay) I decided that I might try LSD at some point, I am aware that if I feel like this its definitely a bad idea but if I feel well again in the future do you think it would be a good idea? I am never worried about dreams and thoughts at all but I have a small thing about drugs and my state of mind which im sure is linked to my mum and I wonder if that would become bigger if I took acid and ruin my trip, I am very self assessing and the future of my state of mind is something I ponder over a lot, but at the same time I feel very stable.
PM me if you want.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
... I don't really worry about it either, it's obviously associated with the MDMA use and whether its psychological or neurological I'm sure it ain't too big a deal. It's not like it can really be doing any harm, or at least that would make sense anyway