Two awful weekends

[Flabu]

Hi there people, I am new to the site but have been reading for a few months.

Anyways, I have depression and anxiety issues which have been diagnosed. I am also a heroin / opiate addict and have been struggling with that for years now.

Lately though, things have just been getting worse for me. I have been trying to quit heroin for about the 10th time now. I am having a very hard time coping with everything, especially at night. I feel completely miserable, useless and feel there is no way out. I keep thinking to myself "if being clean is this miserable why bother".

So basically a couple weekends ago I got really really drunk and was driving around like an idiot. I made it home and completely broke down. This being due to how miserable I had been feeling and that I sold a bunch of my brothers stuff for drugs. I have also been stealing from my parents. I started to cut myself on my arms with a knife, it felt good to get those endorphin's released. I am also an IV heroin user so the sight of a little blood does not scare me at all.

So I made it through that night in one piece but was completely miserable all day the next day and for most the week.

Then last weekend I was out at a bar with my brother and a couple friends and I pulled my brother aside and came clean about stealing and selling his stuff. It had been eating me alive, I had to get it off my chest. He was upset but also very worried about me at the same time. We both started crying which is a very rare occurrence. I had so many feelings going on at this point, I started drinking more heavily. I eventually left the bar and sat in my car thinking for a moment.

I ended up calling one of my heroin dealers and I zipped right out to him to score some dope. I went and used the dope and got extremely messed up. I was actually happy for the time being, but I was also a wreck at the same time. I was driving around and ran my car into a guard rail and scratched up the side and blew the tire. I had to pull over and wait for AAA to come help me.

We got the tire fixed up and I was on my way. I then proceeded to go into a parking lot near my house and shoot up again. This was at about 7 A.M. I then went home to find my mom waiting for me and she was very upset the moment I walked in. I couldn't stand straight, I couldn't speak a sentence, I couldn't smoke a cigarette without nodding off and dropping it. I was suicidal.

So far this week hasn't been much better, I have been using and drinking to cover up my feelings. I am just so sick of being miserable all the time. I just want to be happy but I been having such a hard time finding it.


Thanks for reading, any advice you have is helpful to me and I thank you!

 

[cj]

I just wanna tell you that you are not alone heroin is a crazy drug throw in some anxiety and depression and it becomes a monster. I can relate to almost everything in your post i stole from my family to feed my dope habit then when they started getting worried it streesed me out causing me to go farther into heroin. I know exactly what you mean with the cutting I have done the same thing before and I was never a cutter before. What worked for me was suboxone it didnt cure my addiction but it has made my life significantly more managble. It sounds like you need to try something different.

 

[suessmayr]

So are you still using? How many days have you been clean?

If you have a doctor or a psychiatrist you may be able to get some meds to help you with the withdrawal - benzos (obviously), clonidine, shit like that. You may also benefit from an anti-depressant.

 

[Dave]

I haven't been through heroin withdrawals, so I can't offer much else but sympathy. It does sound like you're suffering from PAWS, and could well benefit from some psychological help. Which, of course, is tough to get when funds are tight.

Have you been to the heroin/opiates megathread? Many people here have or are going through the sorts of things that you're going through right now, and surely have some excellent advice and support for you.