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TDS Trying to wean down from Benzos getting suicidal ideation.

Thomas29

Thomas29

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 25, 2010
Messages
1,505
This forums feels fucking useless at times with the unjustified judgmental attitudes of everyone here i had a fucking thread closed because I am on methadone for fucking pain fucking re-fucking-lief and it is the worse decision of my life as it helped with the pain at first and now it doesn't and I am trying to find another way to get pain relief since I can't just go from this back to my prescription pain meds which I was fucking way less than the amount of pain medication I needed due to the cut backs on scripts right now and all of this is was because I did not mention this.


I was told "Were not to help you high" now I make a thread for help with fuck this I'm done just done with life done with trying to fucking fight and struggle and claw my way to fucking having every fucking thing every person has I dont want a car or to even learn to drive I dont even care about u know anything other than saving up money for a fucking gaming computer that's my biggest life goal right now and it is absolutely not obtainable so I come to "The dark side" of the forums since maybe someone here can fucking give me judgemental assumptions about my fucking post and tell me to go fuck myself in a subtle and clever way possibly?


I am interested to see where this post goes and what type of a shit show it turns into like everything else I attempt in my fucking life right the fucking fuck now fuck fuck fucking flipping fuck nutz holy flippin flying salad croutons!


I haven't slept in days and or eaten in days and i am loosing weight and I am fucking screwed since EVERY SINGLE THREAD I MAKE REQUIRES MY ENTIREEEE LIFEEE STORY EVERY LITTLE ITTY BITTY DETAIL OF it or no results of any use for me comes of it and im simply OUT OF TIME that I wasted on these forums and it's either E.R. visit or the Chloral hydrate and shit load of my methadone take home bottles and the benzos and what the baclofen and gabapentin etc. etc. etc. and the hydromorphones i got left etc etc. so maybe I don't wanna kill myself that is for sure or i wouldnt be mqaking this post but I certainly am considering it and it seems like the only viable option as every fucking avenue to help i seek out for turns to fucking liquid shit!

"fuck this i'm out." it feels like my brain is going through a fucking cheese grater.
 
Hey Thomas, I don't know what other thread you are talking about but it could have had to do with where you posted it, or possibly the nature of the conversation if it sounded like you were trying to source on BL. Not sure why else you would get that response, maybe if you PM the mod that told you that and a link to your old thread I can look into it for you.

Honestly, it sounds like it might be best if you could get some help in person. It's really hard to help someone across the internet who you know little to nothing about, and if you aren't interested in sharing your back story then I'm not sure where this thread can go. Most likely anyone that wants to help you is going to be asking questions to try and get to know you better... you can't shut yourself off and still expect people to want to help you. This thread really can't go anywhere without hearing more of your story... as of right now all we know is that you are clearly unhappy and contemplating suicide. I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'd hope that you wouldn't, but without more info what else can I say?

So maybe you could start with telling us what's been happening in the past few days or weeks? How much benzos were you taking and how much are you currently taking?


If you aren't sleeping because of a big drop in benzo then it's a sign you are probably in more severe benzo WD or in danger of being in it. Either slow down your taper or get some help. Other signs might be hearing or seeing things that aren't there, extreme agitation and anxiety. Benzo WD can lead to seizure and psychosis or even worse.

Honestly, and E.R. visit might be your best option. Either that or a detox center with medical staff then to an inpatient treatment center.
 
Hello there! I challenge you to walk into an ER and read aloud the title of this post you?ve made. You?ll make friends there fast, and you?ll fit right in!
 
^ that was a very judgemental reply and it's replies like that which has pushed me over the edge and made me want to make this thread thinking MAYBE JUST A BIG FAT ASS fucking maybe that I would not receive such replies. The thread I mentioned it was a long time ago and it's not important anymore since I went ahead and used what I had and just took the risk of knowing I might drop dead. Like I said the person who closed said thread apologized etc. so I got huge respect for all moderators an admins who run this place.


The reason I made this thread is basically a cry for help since I was awake for 5 days not even from the benzo withdrawal but my sump pump was broken at the time and it's replaced with a new one and withdrawal or not it's impossible to sleep the new one is not as bad but it vibrates my fucking floor like from the bathroom all the way to my front door for fux sakes.


I guess I just created this thread to vent and idk maybe find some other people to talk to and your right Mafioso talking to people in person would be better but like I want to go to N.A. meetings for this reason to set up a social network of good people etc. but they only have them where I am once a week and only meet up for a few hours and I am constantly anxious as fuck in withdrawal so I can't even talk to anyone when I do see people like my one good friend who is only good friend I got right now I been talking to him when I can but he has cancer etc. and shit he's got problems too but he's a really good dude especially considering his situation. ?


Finally a post where someone actually asks me for more information lol. In fact Optioidmistic post he made is extremely offensive in my personal opinion like it certainly does not help at all. I just have not been able to reply to this thread yet. I don't know what else to do I don't wanna call those stupid help lines or maybe I might have to but idk like I can barely even fucknig think maybe now that my sump pump is replaced I can finally get my sleep schedule on track but I went to sleep at fucking 6 A.M. yesterday and woke up at 2 P.M. today so my sleep schedule is totally upside down now fuck.


Oh and I got Diclazepam to wean down with just waiting on Propylene Glycol which should of arrived by now but I got scammed now got to wait for refund and a new order to arrive of PG which is hugely frustrating and I am so paranoid that I might have a super potent Cannabinoid or Opioid which the Vendor I purchased from stocks so I don't want to end up in the E.R. from taking a huge dose of Cannabinoids or dead from opioid un
 
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I know it's easier said than done, but if it's irrelevant or untrue, why waste so much emotional energy with such ordeals and allow yourself to become so frustrated? It's ok to vent, but it's proven that doing things like punching a wall out of frustration doesn't actually lower your frustration overall. I'm not judging for punching literal or metaphorical holes in walls, I've punched many of both myself, but it doesn't do anything to benefit you. You just wind up with a hole in the wall and a sore hand. Unless you were frustrated because you didn't have a hole in your wall right where you punched one, whatever it was that drove you to anger in the first place will not have changed at all.

But really I don't judge your frustrations at all. It sounds like you are in the depths of benzo withdrawal. The WDs can make you ultra sensitive to sounds, to the point you are even hearing things that are only imagined. The lack of sleep alone is enough to put you in a dangerous spot, and combined with the benzo WD symptoms life can become a nightmarish reality. I can't stress enough that it's a really dangerous place to be in. I'm still dealing with chronic back pain after my last seizure caused by benzo WD, not to mention what else can possibly happen. It's not a weakness to ask for help in the time of need, in fact I'd argue not asking for help when you really need it is a weakness.

However, I can't make the decision for you. And when I was in similar shoes many times I never got help for myself until I literally had no other option and either woke up in jail or a hospital. Just be aware you are certainly playing with your health and potentially your sanity and life as well.

Really, I understand your struggle and you'll have to make it past this current hurdle of benzo WD before you'll be able to really move on. Anyone who is halfway worth talking to at a 12 step will tell you to go check yourself in to a detox center/rehab. You are literally verging on entering a drug psychosis(benzo wd + no sleep), so anyone who is aware of your condition would be wise to understand the risks/need for help. And it's help that most people won't be capable of providing short of professional care. People do unpredictable things in psychotic states and wake up a few weeks later wondering what happened. Thankfully the worst that I did is get myself arrested but things nearly went way worse so many times. Like man, I'm not trying to lecture but I'm not sure you understand how serious this is. Your whole life can change forever because of this event.

Do you have anyone in your life who is aware of your situation? Like full disclosure? And if you were to change your mind and decide to get help, is there someone you could call besides 911 or suicide help line(1-800-273-8255)? I'm here to talk you through it if no one else is, but like I said before there is only so much I can do and probably the best thing I can currently do is to urge you to reach out to someone in real life. Surely there is someone who cares about you and doesn't want to see you in pain. If you don't know anyone you can find them, and AA/NA isn't a bad place to look. But again, someone that truly cares and understands will be worried enough to tell you to get the right help you need.


I'll read through if you want to talk more about what is going on in your life, like what is your current living situation? How old are you? What part of the world are you from? What was your childhood like(you can be vague)? Was there a time that you remember when things were going well, and you were happy? If so, what has changed? If not, what types of things would you wish to change that would make it easier for you to be happy?
 
Hey Thomas!

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't try to do this alone.

Are you detoxing/tapering from benzos? I'm not sure if that's what you were saying.

I hope you stop in to update us.
 
I got addicted to oxy after a car accident and they put me on subs. I.had to quit my prescribed benzos I had taken for10 years and that was awful. I was in bed for 3 months and I wanted to die. I didn't even feel alive. One day I felt this haze clear a bit but it still took couple not months to feel normal. If you can exercise that helps so much. Just walk or jog 30 minutes a day and you'll feel better in a month vs 4 months. I still take subs and they work. Benzos are a bitch but you can beat them. I'm not that strong so if I can you can. You just need the time.
 
Hey Thomas, hope things are going OK for you. Just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Let us know how you are doing.
 
Hey Thomas when I was going through what you are I just wanted to know someone had gotten through this mess. It took me about 6 months but my mind did clear. It was a nightmare but if you can exercise daily you will get better faster. I realize how hard that is. I didn't get out of bed hardly for 3 months but once I started walking outside with a week i felt a little better. I wish I had done that from the start. I was pissed at myself for having the cure but being too lazy to do it. The hard part is not everyone can check out for months but if you can stay with family and just work on it and exercise you'll be feeling decent in a couple months and back to normal in 6-8 months. Sucks I know but I figure you'd want the truth. Good luck
 
Dude I wish you the best of luck. I know it is not easy. I have personally never been through Benzo WD, but I have with Opiates and it was pure hell. I can only imagine what you're going through (esp. since benzo WD is worse). If you need anyone to talk to, just shoot me a private message. Maybe you can talk to your doctor about giving you something for sleep. Getting sleep is big and can help your body heal.

Best of luck,

Chris
 
Look Dersch, while some of your points are valid, the way you make a point to ridicule and insult drug users is uncalled for and is against what this forum stands for. It doesn't make it seem like you're trying to help if you're basically laughing at people who are asking for help. Instead of helping, it only further drives people into the holes that make them want to abuse drugs in the first place. As such I have removed your post, and further posts containing belittling content or insults will be infracted. You can make the point to "toughen up and take responsibility" without calling people pathetic and the like. Thanks.
 
It is an absolute pain, the withdrawal I mean. There is no easy way, that I'm aware of anyway. You'll just have to dedicate a good amount of your life in bed for a while.
 
Hey. Im in the UK, but I'm on methadone, and that's stopped working for me a few months ago, which is a scary feeling.
I've also been through benzo withdrawal many times and could offer advice or just an ear.
I know that feeling where it's like it's NEVER going to end! But it will. Your brain and body need to heal.
Exercise and good nutrition are your friends, as well as a sllloooooookwww taper.
Also friends! If you don't have many I'm real life, try and reach out in this thread. I'm more than willing to chat and help.
You can do this. Countless others have, and it feels so fucking futile, but I promise, it WILL get better!
 
getting outside and just doing light exercise that doesn't require a ton of effort, like walking, is actually a much better way to get through the depression phase of benzo WD. I know you have absolutely zero motivation to do anything, I don't at least, and even doing simple things like walking outside to take the trash to the road can seem like a pretty daunting task. But if you take it slow, doing one thing and trying to take one little step bigger the next day, you can get through it. Sunlight is also great for mood for a lot of reasons, just being in nature is my personal favorite. You still might feel like shit overall, but you'll probably notice little moments of starting to feel better.

Art and expression can really help as well. Don't worry about creating something great- just focus on creating something that reflects your feelings.

It is possible to lock yourself in your room and just tough it out, but it's really going to make it much worse and harder. Simple things like lowered appetite from low mood and lack of physical activity can lead to lower levels of neurotransmitters and making recovery take longer in other ways as well. Eating a lot of calories(healthy food is good too, but pizza and hamburgers is fine too, imo). Hunger can actually trigger anxiety, and eating can also trigger pleasurable feelings. So it's not really a horrible coping mechanism to make it through. Most people gain weight when they get sober(for lots of reason, comfort eating a common one), but assuming it's within reason, a little excess weight is far less problematic and far more manageable than benzo addiction.
 
Unfortunately GPS are either dickheads or mid informed. A benzo rattle isnhorrible my doctor reckoned if u was to be on diazepa! Say 50,mg and cut down tomnesr enough nothing you wouldn't have a seizure or withdrawal
 
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