Trying to understand opiate/benzo addiction from the other side.

[Sedated1]

Im new here and have been lost for a a while. 14 months ago, my kindered spirit, partner/so, gf died from a hidden addiction. Its tearing me up trying to understand it.

She didnt seem like the type of person to do drugs. Its hard to explain but she was in her 30s and was employed as a nurse for 12 yrs. She was always so responsible and in control, it goes against everything I thought she was.

What makes matters worse it that she died of a benzo/opiate combo, and they where the strongest combos available. So not only did she die from these drugs but for some reason I have come to believe that she had been doing them for a long time, she had to have been to build tolerance.

I just cant believe I was that nieve and ignorant to miss it. I cant understand why she couldnt tell me and ask for help.

I have read so much about opiates and benzos and addiction to try and understand but I cant. Everyone wants to use the word choice rather than disease that I dont know what to believe.

I know she was sick! Im sorry! To me those drugs are just so profoundly addicting anyone doing them is not in there right mind. Maybe if they under extreme care of a doctor but I have lost my faith in them. I want to blame the industry as a whole for contributing to the problem. There is just so much to this story, so much accountability that was lax that I am embarrassed and ashamed to even speak about it.

But I cant hold it in! It tears me up not talking about it.

Can anyone help me understand what someone is actually thinking while in the throws of such an addiction.

 

[Carl Landrover]

I know she was sick! Im sorry! To me those drugs are just so profoundly addicting anyone doing them is not in there right mind. Maybe if they under extreme care of a doctor but I have lost my faith in them. I want to blame the industry as a whole for contributing to the problem. There is just so much to this story, so much accountability that was lax that I am embarrassed and ashamed to even speak about it.

But I cant hold it in! It tears me up not talking about it.

Can anyone help me understand what someone is actually thinking while in the throws of such an addiction.

Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that would be like, especially since it came as a complete surprise to you.

What industry are you talking about in the quoted portion? The pharmaceutical industry?

As for the last part, it depends on the individual. It's going to be different for everyone because of what they're addicted to, how long they've been using, where they are in their life (as far as career, school, relationships, etc.). Being addicted is generally confusing. You might be starting to see some negative aspects of using where you don't want to be using anymore, but it's still very difficult to stop. I'm not entirely sure what type of answer you're looking for. Ask three different people the same question and you'll get three different answers. Maybe someone's experience will give you insight into what your GF might have been thinking/going through, but there's no way to know for sure.

Could you talk to someone else who knew her? Maybe someone else that she was using/used with? She had to get her drugs from somewhere, unless she got them from the hospital. Out of curiousity, how long did you know her? It's possible that she's been an addict for a long time, even before you two were together, and she hid her use from you out of fear of what it would do to the relationship.

 

[DexterMeth]

She didnt seem like the type of person to do drugs.
What is the type of person that does drugs?

She was always so responsible and in control, it goes against everything I thought she was.
So if you never found out she did drugs, she would still be responsible and in control in your mind? Who is she to you now? Less?

What makes matters worse it that she died of a benzo/opiate combo, and they where the strongest combos available. So not only did she die from these drugs but for some reason I have come to believe that she had been doing them for a long time, she had to have been to build tolerance.
I think you're realizing right here is just how much pain she was really in. The drugs she was doing are not the issue.

I just cant believe I was that nieve and ignorant to miss it. I cant understand why she couldnt tell me and ask for help.
It's not your fault, and it wasn't hers either. Life can be fucked up. Some of us use drugs to cope with this, and asking for help is the very last thing we'd do. Some of us would rather die than ask for help..literally.

I have read so much about opiates and benzos and addiction to try and understand but I cant. Everyone wants to use the word choice rather than disease that I dont know what to believe.
Sure, she chose to use opioids and benzos, but she didn't choose to be in the psychic pain she was in. I'm sure you know this. I'm just reasurring you that you're not crazy.

I know she was sick! Im sorry!
She was indeed, and you don't need to apologize to us. It's sad indeed, and beyond a humbling experience.

To me those drugs are just so profoundly addicting anyone doing them is not in there right mind.
Personally, for someone to become this addicted to drugs like this are usually the ones most in their right mind. Ignorance is bliss for a reason, and I'm not advocating drug use at all.

Maybe if they under extreme care of a doctor but I have lost my faith in them.
Why have you lost faith in doctors? They are not psychics.

I want to blame the industry as a whole for contributing to the problem.
Blame is always placed on outside agents instead of addressing the actual problem. No one is to blame, not even her. Only you and her, and whoever else knew her know the real problem. Don't beat yourself up (or worse, end up like her), take a breather and approach this with a clear unbiased mind.

There is just so much to this story, so much accountability that was lax that I am embarrassed and ashamed to even speak about it.
More regulations are not a solution to her death. This is one of the reasons why so many of us are actually addicted to even worse substances imo, because we can't legally get the ones we actually could use or need. Better research into all fields related to this in pharms, drug addiction, psychology and sociology tend to take a hit when loved ones of the dead get up in arms over the wrong reasons and to the wrong people. You will hopefully eventually realize this.

But I cant hold it in! It tears me up not talking about it.
Don't hold it in. Let it out, especially to those it really matters to in your life.

Can anyone help me understand what someone is actually thinking while in the throws of such an addiction.
This would take a lifetime to explain

Good luck, and get well.
[Don't think I'm attacking anything you said or being sarcastic at all, because I'm not. I'm not being mean either, just honest.]

 

[BrahamCracker]

well if she sufferered from anxiety, benzo's are a godsend. I went to rehab for ativan/xanax and i can tell you i wouldn't trust myself getting prescribed any benzos again. They are addicting because they work. They made me so comfortable and care free. Right now my doctor/shrink think i have PTSD from my childhood. The anxiety from stuff like that is paralyzing. Try to understand, living with extreme anxiety is way too uncomfortable to take.

if not then unfortunetely i haven't helped much. Anybody who takes one is able to relax and maybe she felt she needed too. Sorry for your loss.