Trying to reach out to another human being

[stratofortress]

Hi all. I'm not very comfortable with posting threads, so I hope this isn't completely stupid.

I feel terrible. Not suicidal, but extremely dysphoric and anxious. I've spent the past week feeling like the worst person in the world. Anyway, social interaction is good for one's mental health right? Trouble is, I've only one friend, whom I don't get to speak to much, and who I feel is probably getting pretty fed up with hearing how unhappy with my lot I am all the time.

For the first time in about a year of being urged to seek support for my drinking by various social workers / psychiatrists etc, I finally picked up the phone yesterday. Fuck knows what I expected. Btw, drink is no longer the problem it was; opiates, and especially benzos are the current problem, the latter of which I'm probably already addicted to (3-4 months of diazepam use with a fair few 100-200mg binges).

Anyway, what am I getting at here. The people i called last night were pragmatic enough, but didn't seem particularly sympathetic. I probably don't deserve sympathy, but I thought I'd stand a higher chance getting some words of reassurance from people here who've been through similar stuff.

What else am I forgetting? Ah, i knew there was a reason for posting in the S,L,R forum. Has anybody found that meeting someone has helped at least with the psychological cravings for drug use?

 

[max_]

I will not answer you questions about drugs because a) I think that you know the answers and b) I'm not sure what to say anyway.
What I will do is advice you on your human relationships, which I believe is more suitable for this forum and probably the reason why you posted here. I don't remember where I heard this but it's been very useful advice for me: "Don't talk about your problems, nobody wants to know about them" or something like that. I mean, what would you think about somebody who opens with 'How are you?' 'Oh, I'm so sad right now, I have drinking problems and no friends'? Its boring! It's demanding! It's not worth spending your time with! For real, to be friends with somebody you'd have to get something from that person, they would have to enrich your existence in some way. Of course that there are times to be supportive and everything, but c'mon, snap out of it. More quotes from a song this time 'There are no more friends to the eternal' say some lyrics. Of course there aren't friends of the eternal, we are alive in this planet and we are alone. It's great to have partners who travel along, but when you go to sleep you are alone and the next day you start over and have to meet people and interact but no matter how deep those connections are you are alone again that night. So people may be very important but they are all spendable, you grandma will die, your dad will die, your brother might die before you and you will have to carry on. So you better have something good to offer in order for people to want to travel with you because if not you're alone. It's not that people are bad, that's how it goes and there's nothing wrong with it.
I hope I made some sence. Good luck and stop those benzos man, you might defeat addiction but there's no real coming back from that, ever. Trust me.

 

[GenericMind]

What's your relationship like with your family? People make such snap judgments these days when first meeting someone that it can be difficult to meet someone new, especially when you're going through something like this and it's effecting your disposition. This makes it pretty hard to find someone new that could help make things easier for you.

Family on the other hand should already be there for you. I went through a pretty tough time in my life with Ecstasy, Benzos, and Opiates and the "friends" around me were too busy getting high to care and got sick of hearing about it. Like you I knew I was unhappy with my situation, and it just kept getting worse and worse until I could barely stand it. I was dysphoric, anxious, and paranoid constantly . It was then that I was able to turn to my family for the support I needed, and it probably saved my life(figuratively).

Now that I look back on it I'm glad I went through it though, because if I hadn't I would still be in the same shitty situation I was in back then. It was constantly feeling terrible that pushed me to do something about it. Hopefully you'll be able to use how you've been feeling lately to motivate yourself to make whatever changes in your life you need to set off on a better, healthier path. Best of luck.

 

[stratofortress]

Thanks for the kind words and advice. Generic Mind, do you still experience any suffering after having quit the benzos? Can i expect to suffer for quite some time once I'm off them? (already awaiting follow up assessment with drugs counselors to begin getting clean). Family relationships are patchy at best. They've ranged from full on fist fights with my father, mother and brother threatening suicide, my brother, who has what they might called 'mild' learning disabilities is often in trouble with the police, heroin use etc.

And Max., I totally agree that it's a huge turn off when all people do is moan. My dad was the same growing up, so I know how selfish it is to do that.

Thanks again, it's comforting to know there are people out there who'll put their own problems to one side to help another out.

 

[GenericMind]

I don't anymore, no, but it took a long time for me to feel better. The first step should always be to completely stop using drugs recreationally. Once you do that, you can reassess how you feel and determine whether they were the problem or contributing to the problem and see if there are other non-drug related problems going on that you need to address.

 

[grumpygrouse]

This was first written as a personal letter. Why I posted this, can be read here.

Do you remember yourself when you posted this? Do you remember how you felt?

And now I will answer your question you asked May 24th last year. People who are capable and ready to help you kick the addiction in the nutsack will never be sympathetic and they will be pragmatic. Like them, I will never feel sorry for you "because you are an addict". Why? If you want to quit, then pragmatism is exactly what you need.

But your main question you asked last spring I have already answered by just being me. I will not pity you for being a junkie because I am also one and know exactly there's nothing to feel pity for. But what I can do and have been doing the months we have known each other, instead of feeling pity - getting to know this great awesome weirdo I met on Bluelight and somehow, swimming through this river of shit that was my life, bumping into you saved us both.

But I will not quite agree with posters who answered your question. It is true that when ALL you talk about is how shitty everything is, people will find something better to do real soon. Thankfully you are interesting and funny even when complaining and doing stupid things, so I will gladly let your agony bemuse me.

And yes. You are always allowed to moan and whine if you need it and even if it isn't bemusing. Even if I don't have the energy or time to whine with you, I will let you whine AT me if it helps. I don't even have to listen to you, and still it's win-win. So this part was a bit off on that thread. Because the simple truth is - friends will listen to you moan months and years even. Whine. Bitch. Moan. Do drugs. Do stupid things. Do whatever you feel you need to do and I will let you, be there and probably make fun (but not judge). Downside of the "real relationship" though... If you try to bullshit me, I will say it and it's not okay. If I think you're stupid, I will say it. But you shouldn't take offense - not want to be called stupid? Don't do stupid stuff then.

So the main point is - when you have accepted someone, taken him in and found him to be the kind of person you feel you want in your life - then you accept everything he brings, the good and the bad because this is how we are built. But you will not accept bullshitting, scheming, lying.. And one can't demand otherwise, now can he?

And this, of course, works both ways. Healthy, they call it I think. Never heard of it. Healtzhy...?

So here we are. All the cards are on the table.

You asked the Gods of BL for someone to reach out to, someone who will understand the shit you are going through, and the Gods of BL answered your prayers and here I am. Godsent. Legs full of abscesses, no working pipe under my skin, words "I WILL LEAVE THIS BEHIND" scribbled all over my body with markers.

YOU'RE WELCOME. (Message by Gods of Bluelight)

But I will not pity you. Why would I pity someone whose life I'm saving?

And why would I pity someone who saved my life? Lifesavers are totally awesome, at least in my book.

But this is it. I have decided that you and I - we are not addicts anymore. I decided to save my life and I will ask you kindly to take a ride with me. I promise you, it will work only if we quit everything completely. We have no other options, you and I.

So let me save your life.

(PS. It's totally okay if you say no. I get it, I really do. You'll get there. And if you do, I will still be by your side if you want.)