I'm really feeling very lost and desperate sitting here at 9 in the morning after another sleepless night and I feel way too ashamed to talk to my bf or any of my friends about the extent of my benzo problems so I'd really value any feedback you guys have.
11 months ago, I first started taking xanax recreationally. At first, I'd take just .5 mg or .25 mg a couple of times a week but soon (I'd say within a month), I was taking anywhere from .5 to 3 mg a day.
Then last fall, I decided that the xanax my bf supplied wasn't enough, so I went to my doctor and got a prescription for more benzos. Over the last 8 months, I've tried Ativan, Xanax and Klonopin and I'm currently being prescribed 1 mg Klonopin daily. This is only what I've officially been prescribed. The reality is that there are days where I'll take a lot more than 1 mg and there are days where I won't take any Klonopin at all but my best guess is that I averaged about 1 mg Klonopin a day for the last 6 months and before that, I've taken at least .5 -1 mg of Xanax almost every day.
Problem is, in addition to the Klonopin, I've also been regularly supplementing with Xanax bars. Usually, I'll just take a .5 or 1 mg of extra Xanax but there have been days where I've taken 10 mg of Xanax (or more.)
I've recently realized how much of a problem this is as I'm almost always numb and have pretty much come to rely on it for sleep. So for the last 5 days, I've tried to go cold turkey and I don't know if it's more psychological or not, but I feel so goddamn awful!! Food tastes absolutely horrendous to me and if I even try to eat, my stomach starts hurting... I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night if I'm able to sleep at all and my anxiety is so high and my muscles are so tight, I'm surprised, I haven't had a panic attack yet. So I finally broke down tonight and took a .5 Kpin pill. I'm still nowhere close to sleeping but at least I don't feel like I'm so on edge that the slightest noise will send me into a panic spiral.
Should I taper or should I just try to go cold turkey for as long as possible and only take a little bit of Klonopin if I desperately need it? I'd rather tough out the withdrawal process than taper down but the idea of a seizure really scares me. I haven't been taking benzos for years and years so I thought maybe I could go cold turkey without risking a seizure but would I be causing my brain more harm if I were to cold turkey instead of tapering off? I also have GHB, tylenol 4's and weed at my disposal so I thought perhaps, I could use something else to get through the withdrawal.
I know that I should really talk to my doctor but I'd rather not out myself for taking illegal Xanax (not to mention outing myself for not taking the Klonopin even close to as prescribed.) Also, my doctor just refills my script as a formality and he keeps trying to start me on antidepressants so I'm not sure I would entirely trust his judgement anyway.
I'd much rather hear from you guys and would really appreciate your thoughts.