Trying to move foward

[dbstar]

I thought I'd post this because im having a pretty hard time... I have never been actually dependent on any substance, however I have also pretty much only used booze and drugs as a means to get as wasted as possible. At first doing this every weekend was nothing but fun, but now it has developed into a real problem. I feel like the root of the problem is alcohol and I seem to make pretty much exclusivly bad decisions when on booze. I got myself of alcohol for a while, and then decided to go out for a few beers the other night and ended up doing m, speed, coke, acid and mush over the course of a two day bender... i dont think ive ever felt so bad about myself and no I cant drink... the prospect of not drinking is frightening from a social perspective but seeing as a how i can no longer control myself in any way when drunk i dont see any other option.. just wondering if anyone else has found themselves in similar situations.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Do you normally use drugs such as coke, speed and molly? If not, then chances are you're feeling particularly bad due to the bender you went on with such hard substances.

I know it's hard, but abstain from alcohol for a while and you'll level out. It seems to me that dabbling in drugs always comes with a price. There's almost always going to be one drug that you particularly like, you keep going back to it, and thinking about NOT having it is scary. I know this is a false feeling though, because a person (at least myself) can feel this way on and off about different drugs at different times. For example, I first started out smoking weed daily, and got to a point where I could not imagine myself going through life without it. Then came MDMA, started messing with that, forgot weed even existed (for a while), and began to think life would suck without rolling. MDMA bit me in the ass so I stopped, started rinking like mad every day to battle the depression, and bam whaddaya know, life started to seem scary without drinking. Then I got over that and started messing with opiates, and started feeling the same about that, like life would be awful and scary without it. Then I moved past that and started with depending on weed again. Then I picked up kratom, and started to feel the same way yet again, like life would be unbearable if one day I'm without this. Now, I can honestly say I'm at a point where I look forward to a day in the near(ish) future where I no longer 'need' any substances at all in my life, don't think about them, don't crave them, and it does not seem scary or unreasonable!! I also do set days for myself here and there where I do not allow myself to use anything at all, no drinking, no kratom, no opiates, no weed, nothing. Just so I get a little reminder every now and again that I am, in fact, in control.

The point of my story is that it's easy to feel psychologically dependent on one substance, but that substance can change often. The problem isn't the substance, it's just a general addiction to the drug lifestyle, and that is easier to overcome than you may think!!

Sorry if it seems like I'm just rambling. I hope it helps..

 

[DS_]

Good post. The drug lifestyle is what i've found most addictive over all but I'm not currently trying to get out of it at all. Just moderate it.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

I am in the same boat. I used to be a strait addict with no control. I have learned sense to control my self. I can use drugs and moderate it. However I still don't take anything like booze, downers, or anything that might make me run on auto pilot. I learned that when I black out but keep running I do STUPID STUPID STUPID things I regret. So I don't do it anymore. I can't risk it. Life is to serious and there are plenty of things to do that will bring you that drug fun you want with out getting you so fucked up you can't think strait. Booze is just one drug there are plenty of others. Give it up bro.

 

[Legerity]

If you think alcohol is causing you problems then try cutting it out and see if it makes a difference. Doing a bunch of drugs after a few drinks on a single occasion does not mean anything. How are you supposed to know that it would make you feel like shit unless you've done it? Now you know and if the thought pops into your head you will know what the consequences are likely to be if you decide to act upon it.

 

[Utahrd]

for a little while, I was just popping whatever people tried to sell me, and straight up forget I had already taken something else. I would jump off the couch and be all "holy shit!" having a sudden realization of all the risks I had taken that day. One time I just sat on my couch and snorted molly, did this every day for a week, to the point where I was just crying for absolutely no reason at all in front of my room mate. Shit got to a point where I did not care what drugs I did or didn't do, I was determined that whatever drug came along, I was going to do it. I found out that I have a very addictive personality, anything that could be addictive, I would get addicted to the first day I tried it. Found out that I just become a sloppy, aggressive POS when I drink too.

I think what has really kept me out of prescription addiction is seeing what it has done to my friends and my mom, my whole family actually. My mom fell off the stairs and hit her head super hard one night when she was on xanax and sleeping medication at the same time, and no matter what I did or said or tried she would not stop, until her family came along and made her go to rehab. I have no idea if I can even trust her ever again, or even believe that she loves me. Her life has been pretty fucked up, from what she has told me, everything from her childhood to her career to her lame husband.

Frankly, I hate that I ever even tried adderall or ecstasy, I almost would not rather know what they can do to you. Every time I tried a new drug, it was just an act of desperation, a "one last attempt to make this work before I off myself" Spread some love, don't let each other get that desperate for help.

 

[Sepher]

I thought I'd post this because im having a pretty hard time... I have never been actually dependent on any substance, however I have also pretty much only used booze and drugs as a means to get as wasted as possible. At first doing this every weekend was nothing but fun, but now it has developed into a real problem. I feel like the root of the problem is alcohol and I seem to make pretty much exclusivly bad decisions when on booze. I got myself of alcohol for a while, and then decided to go out for a few beers the other night and ended up doing m, speed, coke, acid and mush over the course of a two day bender... i dont think ive ever felt so bad about myself and no I cant drink... the prospect of not drinking is frightening from a social perspective but seeing as a how i can no longer control myself in any way when drunk i dont see any other option.. just wondering if anyone else has found themselves in similar situations.

Exactly this, yeah. I define my self as alcoholic, in that I can't control how much of what I drink or even stop at all until the booze has run out when I start, but even knowing that I can't stop wanting to start. I always tell myself i'll just have a couple of beers tonight, I'll manage it, I'll lay off the scotch and vodka, but I know that's self-deluding bullshit enabling excuses. Never works out like that, and I end up beating myself up for days after a binge for being so spineless and succumbing. I've been one more binge away from losing my job for 12-18 months or more, which would almost certainly also cost me my relationship with my partner, and the roof over my head, but even so I still keep playing with the damn fire.

I'm been taking Disulfiram ((( a.k.a. Antabuse. ))) for 6 months-ish. Mixed results. Was great first 4-6 weeks, didn't even want a drink, but soon started to feel like there were no advantages to not-drinking, and I was denying myself for nothing tangible. Self-deluding bullshit enabling excuses again, but I tend to be ok for a month before I start just manipulating the meds so that if I want a drink at the weekend I'm not gonna have enough left in my system to produce the reaction ((( Which is massively, OMG I'm dying, call me an ambulance scary nasty btw. ))) It may work better for you if you feel you're genuinely alcoholic and unable to stop by your own free will? Doctors won't wanna prescribe it unless you are because of side-effects / health implications of abusing it.

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to drink again being frightening. It's like, but its so much part and parcel of our everyday culture that not drinking is seen as odd, and it's practically unavoidable. You have to remember though I think, you don't have to stop for ever; you just need to stop for today. Forever will take of itself in it's own good time.

You don't seem as though you feel you're properly alcoholic just yet, but have you looked at counselling? Mixed results myself. When I've pushed the doctors for CBT / talking cure type therapies, they've insisted we address the drinking first, and then think about counselling. Ass backwards in my view. The alcoholism is a symtom of something, they're wanting to treat it as a cause. Let's do the counselling cos that might help fix the bloody drinking? Some swear by A.A. I found it unrewarding and unappealing, and I have my own sneaking suspicions as to why it might work for some, and concluded maybe unfairly that it weren't for me, but that's just me.

 

[effie]

When I've pushed the doctors for CBT / talking cure type therapies, they've insisted we address the drinking first, and then think about counselling. Ass backwards in my view. The alcoholism is a symtom of something, they're wanting to treat it as a cause. Let's do the counselling cos that might help fix the bloody drinking? Some swear by A.A. I found it unrewarding and unappealing, and I have my own sneaking suspicions as to why it might work for some, and concluded maybe unfairly that it weren't for me, but that's just me.

I completely agree with this. You can't look at the alcoholism in isolation, and counselling/CBT could well help get to the root of it as well as give you coping strategies which might help. I have a friend in a similar position - get clean first, then we'll address your depression. It is so backwards...

I recommend CBT a lot but I think it is just so good for giving you the tools to break negative patterns of behaviour and thought. I would certainly consider asking your doctor about this if you think it might help there are online websites too - I can give you the links if you like, but I think seeing someone face to face would be a lot more effective in your case, or a counsellor so you can talk through your relationship with alcohol.

Getting an outside perspective and talking things through can really help to clarify it all in your head

 

[Sepher]

Yeah Effie, got myself referred for CBT over 12 months ago, my insistence pushing for it. After couple of months waiting to actually start seeing someone, told me they could not consider counselling until I was properly sober and abstinent. I'm like, wait, FFS isn't that why I'm coming to you for counselling in the first place, to help me get there. :banghead: :x They seemed not to think that was the right way to look at things. Still available to me once I'm sober.

I'd be interested in the links please. Just tried to PM you but forgot I'm limited there as yet. Have come across a couple of sites in the past, not gone anywhere with it. I do wonder if being of a slightly cynical, over-analysing mind-set if tricks and mental sleight of hand are gonna work for me, but God I need to try something soon, and do need the input from an objective observer. Getting beyond a joke now, and just feel when I do try to set something in place and do the right things for myself suddenly yet more bloody barriers appear from nowehere.

 

[effie]

The best sites IMO are:

MoodGym and Living Life to the Full

They are both a little different but work on the same principles and have both been developed by psychiatrists. I found MoodGym a bit irritating at first but it really does help if you persevere not tried LLTTF personally but have looked at the site and heard a lot of good things about it..

The trick with CBT is that you need to keep trying with it all the time - it took me months before it finally "clicked" - I understood it logically, but it takes a while to changed ingrained thought patterns and behaviour. It's definitely worth keeping at it even if it doesn't seem to be working immediately.

I also recommend this book - Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert

It might not be quite right as it focusses purely on depression, but the author has written a whole series of self-help CBT books and I found them really helpful - it explains the theory behind it as well as setting you tasks and teaching you the techniques.

I really understand where you are coming from - so frustrating that your doctor doesn't! Good luck!

Oh - and you can still pm me ever though you are a Greenlighter