Gold.Dust
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2021
- Messages
- 1
The ultimate question during meth abuse.
Short background. I started using here and there in November of last year. My ex at the time convinced me to open up about it and to let him in to "my world". This is the point I should have run. But ultimately I wanted to trust him. We had been hanging out again regularly and it really did seem like he had changed and started to appreciate me more.
I started to enjoy his company again. He was treating me like one of his closest friends. Like the words I said mattered and no matter who I was he would have my back. And this was a pleasant change from our relationship before.
So basically I caved and we smoked meth together. It was awesome and blah blah blah ect.
Let's fast forward a bit. In the 5 months of using with him, I have gone from using maybe once every other week (if even that).. to using every day. I've gone from having friends, to having zero because he gets jealous. I had my own connections but he cut those off quickly. Now he has the connections and he gets it. I used to see my family every single day, in 5 months I've seen them twice. To continue.
Things started off fun. Free. Liberating. I'm 30 and I was living with my parents after him and I broke up. And finally I got to wake up and walk around in my underwear again. Order breakfast. And literally everything I said and did was cool to him. It's like he admired me. He held on to every word. He gave me validation. But since that time there have been a series if events that has changed everything for me. Not only that. But he, as what he was when this journey started, has changed immensely.
It wasnt long before he started to control me. He had claimed before me moving back in that he wanted me to be free. That I deserved it. Next thing I knew, I wasnt allowed to stay up and work on music anymore. I couldnt be on my phone without him becoming suspicious. He started accusing me of doing drugs in the bathroom. He started going through personal things. He started taking things I had told him out of trust in his understanding and throwing it in my face as a way to belittle and hurt me. He stopped listening to me. He stopped hanging on Tommy every word. He stopped admiring me. I was no longer cool to him. Now he accused me of being a drug addict. He would monitor how much I smoked and he would double intake of his own what i took in. When we would run low, inwould bring up the fact that he should probably hit the plug. He wouldnt. And he would smoke up the rest. And then when we would have nothing, i would struggle. This is when he would take his move. Telling me I had a problem because he didnt care that much about it. He could go without, no big deal. I would wonder: why than did he smoke the rest of it? Why does he yell when he thinks I'm taking too much?
All and all, as his control has grown more severe and the fights more and more frequent, I've become less and less if who I was in November. No longer confident and happy. No longer sure of myself. He has grown more violent. More manipulative. When I address things that dont seem quite right to me, it's a fight and he calls me paranoid. Everytime I mentioned wanting to go home it's been a fight. A HUGE fight. And he pulls out all the stops.
This whole time he has told me the problem in the relationship is me because I wont open up and trust him, when I have caught him in numerous lies. He has gone back on everything he promised in the beginning. Now he says that i was putting stipulations on him. One moment he yells because I stay up a little longer. Next when I get in bed he tells me to be free. I never know what is right anymore. Things I think will make him happy, do the complete opposite. He has me in a constant state of confusion. Constant state of fear. He wont listen to me. He laughs at feelings. Denies he is doing anything I'm trying to tell him is hurting me.
Now the latest thing he is doing. He purposely keeps me awake when we use. I made the decision to slow down. So I havent been using like I was. But when i do...he makes sure i stay awake. He knows this leads mentor psychosis because it has happened to me 3 times now. First time was a mistake. I didnt know it would be my breaking point because staying awake for 2 or 3 days...well we did that sometimes...
So I broke.
But the last two times...I'm starting to think he had it planned. That it has been purposeful. I've noticed he doesn't use as much. He acts a whole different way.
So here I am. I had taken 2 weeks off. He went and got some day before yesterday. Last night he got mad at me because I wasnt smoking any. Then started a fight which ultimately kept me awake. This morning he sends me a text while he is at work telling me to have a great day and he is sorry. Meanwhile I havent slept and I had to go get out daughter.
Yes. We have a child together.
And for this reason, I am afraid.
Could this be why he is doing all this to me?
Is he and has he been gaslighting me?
Convincing me that I'm going crazy with my suspicion?
When we broke up I took her to my parents. He was abusive to us and he did not provide for us at all. So i would limit how much he got to see her. Could he have a vendetta towards me for this?
Is he purposely trying to send me over the edge, or have I sent myself into a never ending psychosis?
I'm finding it difficult to get out
I"m afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of who I am now. Who I have been as a mother.
I'm ashamed I put her in all this. I'm ashamed I over looked the past abuse. I feel stupid for falling for it all.
I've gotten into numerous fights with my parents. I'm ashamed as a daughter.
Now he has his family against me.
I am alone.
Any word of advice would be much appreciated.
Short background. I started using here and there in November of last year. My ex at the time convinced me to open up about it and to let him in to "my world". This is the point I should have run. But ultimately I wanted to trust him. We had been hanging out again regularly and it really did seem like he had changed and started to appreciate me more.
I started to enjoy his company again. He was treating me like one of his closest friends. Like the words I said mattered and no matter who I was he would have my back. And this was a pleasant change from our relationship before.
So basically I caved and we smoked meth together. It was awesome and blah blah blah ect.
Let's fast forward a bit. In the 5 months of using with him, I have gone from using maybe once every other week (if even that).. to using every day. I've gone from having friends, to having zero because he gets jealous. I had my own connections but he cut those off quickly. Now he has the connections and he gets it. I used to see my family every single day, in 5 months I've seen them twice. To continue.
Things started off fun. Free. Liberating. I'm 30 and I was living with my parents after him and I broke up. And finally I got to wake up and walk around in my underwear again. Order breakfast. And literally everything I said and did was cool to him. It's like he admired me. He held on to every word. He gave me validation. But since that time there have been a series if events that has changed everything for me. Not only that. But he, as what he was when this journey started, has changed immensely.
It wasnt long before he started to control me. He had claimed before me moving back in that he wanted me to be free. That I deserved it. Next thing I knew, I wasnt allowed to stay up and work on music anymore. I couldnt be on my phone without him becoming suspicious. He started accusing me of doing drugs in the bathroom. He started going through personal things. He started taking things I had told him out of trust in his understanding and throwing it in my face as a way to belittle and hurt me. He stopped listening to me. He stopped hanging on Tommy every word. He stopped admiring me. I was no longer cool to him. Now he accused me of being a drug addict. He would monitor how much I smoked and he would double intake of his own what i took in. When we would run low, inwould bring up the fact that he should probably hit the plug. He wouldnt. And he would smoke up the rest. And then when we would have nothing, i would struggle. This is when he would take his move. Telling me I had a problem because he didnt care that much about it. He could go without, no big deal. I would wonder: why than did he smoke the rest of it? Why does he yell when he thinks I'm taking too much?
All and all, as his control has grown more severe and the fights more and more frequent, I've become less and less if who I was in November. No longer confident and happy. No longer sure of myself. He has grown more violent. More manipulative. When I address things that dont seem quite right to me, it's a fight and he calls me paranoid. Everytime I mentioned wanting to go home it's been a fight. A HUGE fight. And he pulls out all the stops.
This whole time he has told me the problem in the relationship is me because I wont open up and trust him, when I have caught him in numerous lies. He has gone back on everything he promised in the beginning. Now he says that i was putting stipulations on him. One moment he yells because I stay up a little longer. Next when I get in bed he tells me to be free. I never know what is right anymore. Things I think will make him happy, do the complete opposite. He has me in a constant state of confusion. Constant state of fear. He wont listen to me. He laughs at feelings. Denies he is doing anything I'm trying to tell him is hurting me.
Now the latest thing he is doing. He purposely keeps me awake when we use. I made the decision to slow down. So I havent been using like I was. But when i do...he makes sure i stay awake. He knows this leads mentor psychosis because it has happened to me 3 times now. First time was a mistake. I didnt know it would be my breaking point because staying awake for 2 or 3 days...well we did that sometimes...
So I broke.
But the last two times...I'm starting to think he had it planned. That it has been purposeful. I've noticed he doesn't use as much. He acts a whole different way.
So here I am. I had taken 2 weeks off. He went and got some day before yesterday. Last night he got mad at me because I wasnt smoking any. Then started a fight which ultimately kept me awake. This morning he sends me a text while he is at work telling me to have a great day and he is sorry. Meanwhile I havent slept and I had to go get out daughter.
Yes. We have a child together.
And for this reason, I am afraid.
Could this be why he is doing all this to me?
Is he and has he been gaslighting me?
Convincing me that I'm going crazy with my suspicion?
When we broke up I took her to my parents. He was abusive to us and he did not provide for us at all. So i would limit how much he got to see her. Could he have a vendetta towards me for this?
Is he purposely trying to send me over the edge, or have I sent myself into a never ending psychosis?
I'm finding it difficult to get out
I"m afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of who I am now. Who I have been as a mother.
I'm ashamed I put her in all this. I'm ashamed I over looked the past abuse. I feel stupid for falling for it all.
I've gotten into numerous fights with my parents. I'm ashamed as a daughter.
Now he has his family against me.
I am alone.
Any word of advice would be much appreciated.