i need a cigarette...
ok here we go, a part of me is dying, a part before me is dying, and this very bit of a habit is helping it out, now there will be a recorded history of it in my blood.
meet me halfway there...
at the corner light where i dropped to my knees, and the turn back from the beam i climbed on, at the state line, country line, in the middle of the ocean that divides us, and all that land...
am i doing all i can?
no.
i have been spending my energy on things that matter, but not more than this, not more than me, or my family. i think this part is past tense, and this permanent ink, is only waiting for a date, that's soon coming, to my mother's sadness, in the tears on her face...
it's just too late..
all around, and i have found, that even love is fading... i am no longer waiting by the phone, for your call, or a surprise visit to my door, forgiveness runs out, and i am out of chances to give you, when it comes to you, i'm fine, i've accepted, and someday i'll even move on... i want something less wrong, not aiming for perfect, never was, and i never intended, to get caught up in something out of control, out of my hands, and losing my soul, to a perfect stranger, 3 years long...
i have other things to struggle with, like the desire to cut, everyday, my vein is tempting me, and everyday i hold on, the inside of my cheek is raw with biting, and my lip healed from the jump, of a little boy in dirty diapers, and his resistance to grow up.
i wish i got to be a toys-r-us kid.
but in less than two weeks school starts, and i am regardless of my wishes, a full grown adult, i have plans for my future, and they involve a boy, and his face, and taste, and everything is an enigma, and has been so, all along. I have those to whom i am beloved, and they rarely have to be sorry, because they are not accostumed to doing me wrong...
like you were...
but i wont let you, no, not anymore.
everyday my voice saying no sounds more convincing, and gaining authority, in it's convciction, your window of opportunity is shrinking, and you let it, you are careless, lazy, unmotivated, and unwilling, and perhaps he thinks i will hand this to him once again, easy, like always, but i'd like to think, he's figured out by now, it's different this time, soon becoming the last time...
should i be grateful? because i am rather bitter, that he's left me alone for my own good, to me it is, that it is much easier to let me go, than to have to make a REAL attempt, what a slap in the face, i find it in great distaste, that in almost three years, this is all he has to show for it...
i don't want to be angry anymore.
i'll forgive him when there is the closure of truly leaving it behind, but he has my things, and the two trash bags, are in the way, for lack of a better place to be...
there is no better place for them to be, than in the past, in the oblivion of failure, and regret, where little things made something great fall apart, and i feel like dying, but i am not sure why, and i'd give in to bleeding if i had just one good reason to state in a reply, when someone asks me why.
this solitude, will cleanse me, of all my misguided needs and desires, i do not hope for anything, do not feel the air in my lungs, i am going to bed, and tomorrow i'll wonder, why my eyes opened, the worth of what i'm looking at, how many steps from here to there, how far have i gone, how much distance and time i've wasted, on circles around him alone...
i miss Mookie, but he is like a movie star, you get to watch on screen, but they are so out of reach, a different world, common folk don't belong in, and though i don't ever get to see even a glimpse of him, i feel that i watch the scenes of his life play out, in my unawareness alone, i have faith things are going great for him now, despite the damage i did, i leave him be, i respect his wishes, i love him nonetheless, love him enough to leave him alone, because that's what he asked of me...
but i never asked this of you, i tried not to ask you to try, but the subliminal message inevitably slipped through, but you didn't see it, and still, now i ask nothing, i jsut wait, for what comes after, assuming of course, that there is an end to the pain...
i'm tapping the writting vein, for extraction of beautiful words, i am not sure if it's working, i'm not getting a buzz, perhaps i am at the moment, grounded to reality, chained to simple words... for years, i've relied on my writting, the ability to say what i am, is, self-rewarding, a high enhanced by the response of many, understanding of some, love of few, the past addictions to me of those who are now none...
i and no one.
dawn, and well, herself.
i am one, alone, fighting a war of inner demons, and real people, once you are in, you can never get out, unless in a box, built by others, led to by your own hands. My war will be written in the autobiographies and memoirs, of those caught in the line of fire, and chaos, when they were passing by, in greater detail, in this post, i wonder if defeat or victory is in store, for my self-rightous
army
of
one....
one day you will be forgotten.
dear God i pray.
ok here we go, a part of me is dying, a part before me is dying, and this very bit of a habit is helping it out, now there will be a recorded history of it in my blood.
meet me halfway there...
at the corner light where i dropped to my knees, and the turn back from the beam i climbed on, at the state line, country line, in the middle of the ocean that divides us, and all that land...
am i doing all i can?
no.
i have been spending my energy on things that matter, but not more than this, not more than me, or my family. i think this part is past tense, and this permanent ink, is only waiting for a date, that's soon coming, to my mother's sadness, in the tears on her face...
it's just too late..
all around, and i have found, that even love is fading... i am no longer waiting by the phone, for your call, or a surprise visit to my door, forgiveness runs out, and i am out of chances to give you, when it comes to you, i'm fine, i've accepted, and someday i'll even move on... i want something less wrong, not aiming for perfect, never was, and i never intended, to get caught up in something out of control, out of my hands, and losing my soul, to a perfect stranger, 3 years long...
i have other things to struggle with, like the desire to cut, everyday, my vein is tempting me, and everyday i hold on, the inside of my cheek is raw with biting, and my lip healed from the jump, of a little boy in dirty diapers, and his resistance to grow up.
i wish i got to be a toys-r-us kid.
but in less than two weeks school starts, and i am regardless of my wishes, a full grown adult, i have plans for my future, and they involve a boy, and his face, and taste, and everything is an enigma, and has been so, all along. I have those to whom i am beloved, and they rarely have to be sorry, because they are not accostumed to doing me wrong...
like you were...
but i wont let you, no, not anymore.
everyday my voice saying no sounds more convincing, and gaining authority, in it's convciction, your window of opportunity is shrinking, and you let it, you are careless, lazy, unmotivated, and unwilling, and perhaps he thinks i will hand this to him once again, easy, like always, but i'd like to think, he's figured out by now, it's different this time, soon becoming the last time...
should i be grateful? because i am rather bitter, that he's left me alone for my own good, to me it is, that it is much easier to let me go, than to have to make a REAL attempt, what a slap in the face, i find it in great distaste, that in almost three years, this is all he has to show for it...
i don't want to be angry anymore.
i'll forgive him when there is the closure of truly leaving it behind, but he has my things, and the two trash bags, are in the way, for lack of a better place to be...
there is no better place for them to be, than in the past, in the oblivion of failure, and regret, where little things made something great fall apart, and i feel like dying, but i am not sure why, and i'd give in to bleeding if i had just one good reason to state in a reply, when someone asks me why.
this solitude, will cleanse me, of all my misguided needs and desires, i do not hope for anything, do not feel the air in my lungs, i am going to bed, and tomorrow i'll wonder, why my eyes opened, the worth of what i'm looking at, how many steps from here to there, how far have i gone, how much distance and time i've wasted, on circles around him alone...
i miss Mookie, but he is like a movie star, you get to watch on screen, but they are so out of reach, a different world, common folk don't belong in, and though i don't ever get to see even a glimpse of him, i feel that i watch the scenes of his life play out, in my unawareness alone, i have faith things are going great for him now, despite the damage i did, i leave him be, i respect his wishes, i love him nonetheless, love him enough to leave him alone, because that's what he asked of me...
but i never asked this of you, i tried not to ask you to try, but the subliminal message inevitably slipped through, but you didn't see it, and still, now i ask nothing, i jsut wait, for what comes after, assuming of course, that there is an end to the pain...
i'm tapping the writting vein, for extraction of beautiful words, i am not sure if it's working, i'm not getting a buzz, perhaps i am at the moment, grounded to reality, chained to simple words... for years, i've relied on my writting, the ability to say what i am, is, self-rewarding, a high enhanced by the response of many, understanding of some, love of few, the past addictions to me of those who are now none...
i and no one.
dawn, and well, herself.
i am one, alone, fighting a war of inner demons, and real people, once you are in, you can never get out, unless in a box, built by others, led to by your own hands. My war will be written in the autobiographies and memoirs, of those caught in the line of fire, and chaos, when they were passing by, in greater detail, in this post, i wonder if defeat or victory is in store, for my self-rightous
army
of
one....
one day you will be forgotten.
dear God i pray.
