pizzarolla
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 14, 2014
- Messages
- 3
So, this is day two of me trying to get clean. I've been addicted to opiates in one form or another since December of last year. I posted my story here http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/732132-My-introduction-and-story so if you're curious, you'll find out quite a bit about my situation by reading that.
Last time I took any narcotics was on Saturday. I had been trying to get clean on Thursday, went one full day with nothing, and collapsed into despair on Friday. Got myself some narcotics, effectively draining the last of my money. However, I ran out around noon on Saturday, and I've just been chugging along since. The withdrawals suck, but I've had worse. I tried to stop taking Tramadol about 6 months ago. Actually, I didn't try. It was rather involuntary. I had been taking roughly 800mg per day, for about a month at that point. Tramadol was the flavor of the week there for a little while. The withdrawal was the worst thing I have ever experienced, but it only lasted 7 days. After 7 days, all physical withdrawal symptoms were completely gone, and I had so much energy I didn't know what to do with it all.
Well, at least that time I didn't have any RLS. I've tried to quit doing pain pills and opiates several times since then, but I always have RLS, and it sucks! But, for some reason, this time there has been no restlessness... I don't get it, but I'm sure not going to bitch about it either. Now, I have been taking clonidine and loperamide to combat the stomach issues and to take the edge off some of the more serious symptoms. From what I've read about it, clonidine is supposed to also help with restlessness, as it lowers your blood pressure. I tried taking clonidine before, and I hated the feeling it gave me. I had probably taken too much at once, trying to get instant gratification. Well, this time I'm being disciplined with it and only taking it when I absolutely need it, and certainly no more than twice per day. It's helping. Still feels like I'm swimming or floating or something, but not too bad.
I did exhibit some classic drug seeking behavior yesterday, raiding medicine cabinets, rummaging around under beds, that kind of crap. Thankfully, I came up empty, and I just had to rough it out. Seems like everything is easier to handle when you can't get your hands on anything to begin with. Today, I'm feeling about 20 times better than I did yesterday, which is awesome. So far I haven't taken anything, but I am about to take a hefty dosage of loperamide because I have a bunch of stuff to do today, and I can't afford to be tied down to a toilet seat.
For the first time in memory, I'm beginning to feel hopeful. It's only day two, I know that, but I can't help but pat myself on the back and tell myself, "man, you've got two days down, and only five or six left to go. You got this!" I've heard of people having withdrawals that lasted for weeks. I really don't think I could handle that. Luckily, I seem to bounce back from most stuff fairly quickly. I'm sure that within seven days of having no narcotics or opiates of any kind, I'll be feeling great. The psychological part worries me though. It's not depression. I suffer from that occasionally, but it has nothing to do with drugs, more to do with my personality. My problem is forgetting just how bad shit can be. I'm worried that I'm going to do the same thing I've done a hundred times before. "Meh, that really wasn't that bad the last time I went through withdrawal. It won't hurt me if I just take these few pills...."
To make matters worse, I'm extremely stressed out right now. I shouldn't be, but I am. I have an interview tomorrow morning, and it's for a great job with great pay and benefits. I'm confident I'll get the job. It even comes with a couple months of payed training, which is sweet. Unfortunately, I just recently found out that the interview will be 80 miles from where I live. The training may be also. If it is, I don't know what I'm going to do. My car isn't that trustworthy, and I no longer have enough money to afford a cheap motel to stay at during training.
I also just got a really nice car (that is reliable and trustworthy) from a friend... for free. How awesome is that? Unfortunately, I don't have the money to get it insured or to get a tag, so it's just a pretty lawn ornament for the time being. I know I probably sound like a bitch. "Dude gets a free car and a good job and he's bitching? Give me a break..." Yeah, I know, and I absolutely acknowledge that. Truthfully, things do seem to be falling into place for me. Within the next month, I could have a great job, a great car, and be drug free for the first time in almost a year. The very thought of that is almost enough to make me cry, and I'm a grown man. But it just seems like I meet opposition at every step of the way. It seems like every good piece of news is offset by bad news, and most of the bad is of my own making.
I've never been in rehab, but I think that if I was, I'd be told to keep my mind on the good, to focus on that time, a month from now, when everything is going to be going swimmingly. I have a tendency to be hard on myself, and to watch what I've done in the past to such a degree that I tend to miss what's happening in the present. That's probably something I need to get worked out if I want to stay drug free in the future. But, hell, all I can really do is keep trying, and keep my eye on the goal. To me, the most important thing right now is getting away from these evil, vile, hateful, selfish, disgusting drugs that I hate so much.
To anyone else out there going through withdrawals, and similar hard times in life, you are not alone! I really do feel for you, and I hope you'll make it into clear sailing very soon. I wouldn't wish these things on my worst enemy, and it's a miserable thought that I'm not the only person having a hard time with getting drug free. So keep on trucking, make yourself proud, and spread the word to stay away from addictive drugs if at all possible.
Last time I took any narcotics was on Saturday. I had been trying to get clean on Thursday, went one full day with nothing, and collapsed into despair on Friday. Got myself some narcotics, effectively draining the last of my money. However, I ran out around noon on Saturday, and I've just been chugging along since. The withdrawals suck, but I've had worse. I tried to stop taking Tramadol about 6 months ago. Actually, I didn't try. It was rather involuntary. I had been taking roughly 800mg per day, for about a month at that point. Tramadol was the flavor of the week there for a little while. The withdrawal was the worst thing I have ever experienced, but it only lasted 7 days. After 7 days, all physical withdrawal symptoms were completely gone, and I had so much energy I didn't know what to do with it all.
Well, at least that time I didn't have any RLS. I've tried to quit doing pain pills and opiates several times since then, but I always have RLS, and it sucks! But, for some reason, this time there has been no restlessness... I don't get it, but I'm sure not going to bitch about it either. Now, I have been taking clonidine and loperamide to combat the stomach issues and to take the edge off some of the more serious symptoms. From what I've read about it, clonidine is supposed to also help with restlessness, as it lowers your blood pressure. I tried taking clonidine before, and I hated the feeling it gave me. I had probably taken too much at once, trying to get instant gratification. Well, this time I'm being disciplined with it and only taking it when I absolutely need it, and certainly no more than twice per day. It's helping. Still feels like I'm swimming or floating or something, but not too bad.
I did exhibit some classic drug seeking behavior yesterday, raiding medicine cabinets, rummaging around under beds, that kind of crap. Thankfully, I came up empty, and I just had to rough it out. Seems like everything is easier to handle when you can't get your hands on anything to begin with. Today, I'm feeling about 20 times better than I did yesterday, which is awesome. So far I haven't taken anything, but I am about to take a hefty dosage of loperamide because I have a bunch of stuff to do today, and I can't afford to be tied down to a toilet seat.
For the first time in memory, I'm beginning to feel hopeful. It's only day two, I know that, but I can't help but pat myself on the back and tell myself, "man, you've got two days down, and only five or six left to go. You got this!" I've heard of people having withdrawals that lasted for weeks. I really don't think I could handle that. Luckily, I seem to bounce back from most stuff fairly quickly. I'm sure that within seven days of having no narcotics or opiates of any kind, I'll be feeling great. The psychological part worries me though. It's not depression. I suffer from that occasionally, but it has nothing to do with drugs, more to do with my personality. My problem is forgetting just how bad shit can be. I'm worried that I'm going to do the same thing I've done a hundred times before. "Meh, that really wasn't that bad the last time I went through withdrawal. It won't hurt me if I just take these few pills...."
To make matters worse, I'm extremely stressed out right now. I shouldn't be, but I am. I have an interview tomorrow morning, and it's for a great job with great pay and benefits. I'm confident I'll get the job. It even comes with a couple months of payed training, which is sweet. Unfortunately, I just recently found out that the interview will be 80 miles from where I live. The training may be also. If it is, I don't know what I'm going to do. My car isn't that trustworthy, and I no longer have enough money to afford a cheap motel to stay at during training.
I also just got a really nice car (that is reliable and trustworthy) from a friend... for free. How awesome is that? Unfortunately, I don't have the money to get it insured or to get a tag, so it's just a pretty lawn ornament for the time being. I know I probably sound like a bitch. "Dude gets a free car and a good job and he's bitching? Give me a break..." Yeah, I know, and I absolutely acknowledge that. Truthfully, things do seem to be falling into place for me. Within the next month, I could have a great job, a great car, and be drug free for the first time in almost a year. The very thought of that is almost enough to make me cry, and I'm a grown man. But it just seems like I meet opposition at every step of the way. It seems like every good piece of news is offset by bad news, and most of the bad is of my own making.
I've never been in rehab, but I think that if I was, I'd be told to keep my mind on the good, to focus on that time, a month from now, when everything is going to be going swimmingly. I have a tendency to be hard on myself, and to watch what I've done in the past to such a degree that I tend to miss what's happening in the present. That's probably something I need to get worked out if I want to stay drug free in the future. But, hell, all I can really do is keep trying, and keep my eye on the goal. To me, the most important thing right now is getting away from these evil, vile, hateful, selfish, disgusting drugs that I hate so much.
To anyone else out there going through withdrawals, and similar hard times in life, you are not alone! I really do feel for you, and I hope you'll make it into clear sailing very soon. I wouldn't wish these things on my worst enemy, and it's a miserable thought that I'm not the only person having a hard time with getting drug free. So keep on trucking, make yourself proud, and spread the word to stay away from addictive drugs if at all possible.
