swifty said:
^^ Yeah but if that was all you knew, you wouldn't know that you wished you could enjoy ordinary pleasures more.
True. But I was pretty happy with just a night out with a few chardonnays then. I jogged. I did yoga classes and salsa lessons. I was motivated. I mightn't have appreciated those things in the context of 'simple pleasures' then, but at least I can't remember myself wishing to be more fucked up just so I could enjoy a 'normal' night out..... feeling like something is missing if I don't have a pill or a line ...... unlike practically every weekend now.
The goalposts have moved. Ignorance, maybe, is bliss in a way. At least, for those of us who have moderation issues
But then you can't take back your choices, and I am far from a victim. I, and all of us, have choices every time we repeat the behaviour and make it further ingrained. It just saddens me sometimes that I am not innocent and 'good' anymore... hard to explain better than that. I don't feel completely in integrity with my ideal self-image.
Ask me when I first started taking pills and I would have waxed lyrical about all it had bought to my life. Now - I'm not so sure. I think it opened two parallel doors: one exposing an unself-concious, beautifully free, fun and spontaneous side of me, but another, darker door which fed into the lazy, selfish, decietful, greedy and apathetic parts of my soul. I just wonder if the compromise is worth it, sometimes......