i have to stop blaming other people. maybe i was deceived but maybe i deceived. maybe i am just as weak and confusing. maybe i wanted it all just as much. reconciliation. but i didn't want the hurt. hurt in more than me, in more than her, in more than us. in more.
"you're shaking. you're good at that."
"i'm shaking."
"maybe it's demons. i'm serious. maybe it's demons."
"pray for disertion. you can see people on fire." people on fire. light. "he looks creepy." i can see it. just by looking at her.
there's a battle within me. and i know there is a battle within her. they say there is no battle. that she's the enemy. but then what am i? am i the enemy too? what if i'm just as bad? what if i love what i can't have? what if i love what i know can break me down and mess me around?
cut hair. thrown in jail. song lyrics in my head and typed on screens. soundtracks to these moments i breathe. sshhhh. i wanted it and so did you so why didn't it happen. oh but it's happened before. black everything. cigarettes and long fingers. dark eyes. dark hair. bleached hair. dark eyes framed by black lashes. eyes that smile. or eyes that pierce.
kissable lips held tight together with no reply to my "will you please forgive me?" which i asked twice.
"smoking section please?" "can we sit boy girl boy girl?" "i like your outfit." "sorry i'm not exciting." "sorry i forgot my wallet." adam and eve. fire and brimstone. sugar coated truths. evil eyes. free bread type foods. purchased pie and cheese. from one room to another to the outside to another. evil pasts. smoking cigarettes bringing "closer to death and being with God." flossing teeth in public would definitely not be cool. but velcro shoes? definitely. what about appearances of lies covering truths, of sweetness covering dark motives.
i love the light. i love light ways. i love the light, but the darkness is still there even when i want to pretend that the light has chased it all completely away. there is always war in this world. they call it "spiritual warfare." and there's the war between friends and enemies. darkness and light. wanting now and wanting more and wanting more for me and experience and wanting honesty when this world is so full of lies. there were demons in my dream last night. and they were here. in this world. laughing at me.
all i ever wanted was to be loved.
but i am.
i am loved.
and when i ask "will you please forgive me?"
there is an answer.
and i am forgiven.
but today, looking into one hazel eye, one green eye, the answer was silence. and then "we need to talk. and now is not the time."
i was shaking.
"you need to trust me...and i can tell that you don't. will you please do that? trust me on this....please..."
i don't like false appearances. and i am tired of trying to make myself come off a certain way. i am not perfect. i have a lot i need to work on and change. and i have a hard enough time admitting things to myself. so i lie to myself and other people. more often now then ever before. cuz the truth is, it meant something to me. and no matter how much i feel bitterness and hatred and disgust, i have to take the fucking plank out of my own eye.
come on over when i'm just a little tired and you're just a little tired and we'll sit together comofortably and maybe rub each other's backs and maybe i'll give you a hand massage. we'll watch amelie and pretend we don't want to fall in love. we'll sit together and pretend we don't want to hold each other and whisper things about dreams. we'll avoid staring into each other's eyes too long-- we'l look just long enough to let the urge for kisses to come and go. the movie will finish. and then that end part, when nino comes back and amelie hushes him and gives him the kisses...we'll do that. we'll do that after i push stop and then push play and sigur ros is surrounding us. and then we'll just hold each other for a while. and the saddest part is, there is an ending. and i probably will wish i really was in love. and i won't want to wake up from my dream. that's the part i'm really tired of.
"you're shaking. you're good at that."
"i'm shaking."
"maybe it's demons. i'm serious. maybe it's demons."
"pray for disertion. you can see people on fire." people on fire. light. "he looks creepy." i can see it. just by looking at her.
there's a battle within me. and i know there is a battle within her. they say there is no battle. that she's the enemy. but then what am i? am i the enemy too? what if i'm just as bad? what if i love what i can't have? what if i love what i know can break me down and mess me around?
cut hair. thrown in jail. song lyrics in my head and typed on screens. soundtracks to these moments i breathe. sshhhh. i wanted it and so did you so why didn't it happen. oh but it's happened before. black everything. cigarettes and long fingers. dark eyes. dark hair. bleached hair. dark eyes framed by black lashes. eyes that smile. or eyes that pierce.
kissable lips held tight together with no reply to my "will you please forgive me?" which i asked twice.
"smoking section please?" "can we sit boy girl boy girl?" "i like your outfit." "sorry i'm not exciting." "sorry i forgot my wallet." adam and eve. fire and brimstone. sugar coated truths. evil eyes. free bread type foods. purchased pie and cheese. from one room to another to the outside to another. evil pasts. smoking cigarettes bringing "closer to death and being with God." flossing teeth in public would definitely not be cool. but velcro shoes? definitely. what about appearances of lies covering truths, of sweetness covering dark motives.
i love the light. i love light ways. i love the light, but the darkness is still there even when i want to pretend that the light has chased it all completely away. there is always war in this world. they call it "spiritual warfare." and there's the war between friends and enemies. darkness and light. wanting now and wanting more and wanting more for me and experience and wanting honesty when this world is so full of lies. there were demons in my dream last night. and they were here. in this world. laughing at me.
all i ever wanted was to be loved.
but i am.
i am loved.
and when i ask "will you please forgive me?"
there is an answer.
and i am forgiven.
but today, looking into one hazel eye, one green eye, the answer was silence. and then "we need to talk. and now is not the time."
i was shaking.
"you need to trust me...and i can tell that you don't. will you please do that? trust me on this....please..."
i don't like false appearances. and i am tired of trying to make myself come off a certain way. i am not perfect. i have a lot i need to work on and change. and i have a hard enough time admitting things to myself. so i lie to myself and other people. more often now then ever before. cuz the truth is, it meant something to me. and no matter how much i feel bitterness and hatred and disgust, i have to take the fucking plank out of my own eye.
come on over when i'm just a little tired and you're just a little tired and we'll sit together comofortably and maybe rub each other's backs and maybe i'll give you a hand massage. we'll watch amelie and pretend we don't want to fall in love. we'll sit together and pretend we don't want to hold each other and whisper things about dreams. we'll avoid staring into each other's eyes too long-- we'l look just long enough to let the urge for kisses to come and go. the movie will finish. and then that end part, when nino comes back and amelie hushes him and gives him the kisses...we'll do that. we'll do that after i push stop and then push play and sigur ros is surrounding us. and then we'll just hold each other for a while. and the saddest part is, there is an ending. and i probably will wish i really was in love. and i won't want to wake up from my dream. that's the part i'm really tired of.
