First of all i am a mod in the forum because of what i do here, keep the forum in line and help people out, but not officially whereas i can delete things.
You want to know why i act the way i do? ill explain it, first of all you have no idea how horrible my day to day life is, my entire history of my life has been so tormenting that im amazed i havent snapped, i HAVE tried to end it but i didnt know what to do when i was 10.
I normally will not sit here and try and tell people how bad my life is which everyone else thinks about their life as well, I am sure some of you have things just the same, but noone has all of this to deal with at the same time. This isnt even all of it, i wont reveal it all because i dont think i can deal with bringing it up and discussing it.
Other than the pain i have constantly i dont even tell anyone ANY of it, but now i will because you all think im just a dick, and if your going to cause me more problems im not even gonna try to deal with it i just wont talk to people here anymore or help out. I can hear you already saying good, but think about it.
i am extreemly sick to the point that i cant go to school and havent for more than a year, i cant get out of the house except on numerous medications and this is only when i feel alright, i can hardly get up out of bed much less get up and get shit done.
I have severe panic and anxiety, depression, nausea ALL DAY, vomiting everyday sometimes all day, such severe pain that all i could do before i started taking shitloads of opiates was sit and scream, moan, cry, and try to get by. If i werent on so high doses of opiates i would have killed myself a while ago. I try to take care of myself everyday and its hard enough.
I have probably the most fucked up family life ever heard of, my entire family scrutinizes me for things that i have learned are correct and the right way to go about things from seeing research and situations prove they are right, my parents love to hate me and tell me im a fuck up, and that everything is my fault, i will never be anything, i wont ever be able to support myself, even the stomache problems that are un fixable they yell at me for, its my fault to them that i throw up everyday.
my parents both hate each other as well and just about every day i have to deal with fighting, the police are here a lot, my mom and dad even used to hit me when i was younger. My whole life i have spent being rejected by the people i thought cared about me, i dont think ive had a friend for more than a year or 2 before they just dont care to make an effort to stay friends, and this is not because i was mean, this was before i even got sick, it was because people just didnt like me. I even asked a lot of them why they didnt want to be friends anymore and thats where i drew the fact that they didnt like me, most of them just said it. but i manage.
Every day, i answer hundreds of questions for people because i like to help out, it gives me something to live for and look forward to as i dont really have much of a work life ahead of me or a family life to look forward to, i cant even get out of the house, i will never have a job, im not even expecting to live a whole lot longer, ive almost died 3 times from throwing up so long that i get dehydrated and stop breathing and i have been told all 3 times if i were brought in to the ER a few minutes later i would be dead.
And every day, i deal with complete ignorance on the part of so many people, that i cant deal with all of them and i dont. The ones i do deal with, are the idiots who i cant avoid who live near me, just last night 3 fuckers broke into my house, let my dog out in the street who almost got hit, came up to my room expecting to be able to steal everything, and got held at gunpoint until i ran them out of the house screaming and threatening to shoot them (which i could legally do). All this while feeling so horribly sick that i cant see how i can get up without colapsing.
The idiots i dont deal with, are people on this board who think its time to screw around. I dont just screw around here for fun and i often just say fuck it and forget about bluelight because there are so many worthless posts and people who are causing danger to others here that i cant do anything about because people dont close shit ever, even when asked. I then try to tell people who are breaking rules not to, who then take it personal and attack me with outrageous crap.
I cant screw up the slightest bit because everyone looks at me more closely than others, im in the spotlight for some reason already. I dont know why, i dont care that you think i have an attitude, if you lived my life, you would have already exploded, and i am damn near it most of the day, i try to stay in control but you dont have a clue what im going through, and dont tell me im just complaining, i have never gotten rid of the feeling "how am i gonna keep going, somebody has to do something this cant be happening"
I had gone to every mod available (only AB is ever on and hes at work, phreex is on sometimes, sebastian was on vacation, day for night i have never seen around) when these stupid fights started in numerous posts, and asked that the threads be closed BEFORE it even got past my post, but of course noone did, and the ignorant kid who thought that i told him to stop because it was personal kept posting crap back and enticed me, so i responded to him the way he deserved to be treated, i do not treat anyone else that way and i am a much nicer person than that in real life, i even pass out what i have to those less lucky, but not when you are a dick, i will use foul language if you think you have the right to use the forum to address what you think of me, i do not use foul language where it is not called for such as a normal post.
I responded to these people because either they were doing something wrong, or they were attacking me, mostly one then the other, i have had everything possible said about me already before i even responded, i had not said a thing, this was a trip report LINK you werent even supposed to post in it, but some people thought they were an exception and thought they could post what they thought about me for having a thought in a trip report, and the fact that i posted it here, which i am allowed to do, i didnt cross post. i was told my posts were not factual at all. I was told that something i said in a TRIP REPORT showed that i was ignorant.
Lets go through your posts and pick every stupid thing youve done, i dont start shit like this, i tried to close it, and noone did, as you said i dont have to turn the other cheek and i wont. I am only being fucked with and everything else because i am in the spotlight, nothing more. Its almost funny except for the fact that my life is hard enough as it is, i hardly make it everyday even without any of this shit, i have been in the hospital more than the ER residents.
By the way, i was not the first one to use personal attacks, sky, if your going to yell at me for something i did you should be yelling at them for doing it first, which is what i did.
Why dont you pay closer attention to whats happening, and not read the whole situation wrong, let me actually close posts if i need to and this stupid shit doesnt happen.
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~The Recreational Pharmacist
Fuck Social, Screw you plur fucks, you dont need a forum for "ELMOvsTELLETUBBIES"
AIM: TheTripDoctor
[This message has been edited by TheTripDoctor (edited 26 July 2001).]
