yoUr bLiSS
Bluelighter
2 ½ years later and I still get chills
To this very day
This very moment
This very breath
The thought of you still terrifies me
I still occasionally get your bills
Unpaid and overdue
Accumulating massive late charges
Your car sat for six months till they finally towed it
Nobody ever heard from you again
For her sake
I pray that you are well
Sunshine could never compare
To the radiance and pure joy of that little girl
I truly did love her
I just wasn’t ready for her
Or you for that matter
It was heavenly the first year
I thought i had found love
You were never love
Madness
Obsession
Pure hell
That is what you were
An eye-witness to a tragedy
The death of your sanity
dementia before my very eyes
Hurt manifested in the form of violence
In the worst possible way
But you never touched me
I was god-like in your eyes
Precious
Perfect
Yours
Honestly I would have gladly taken
A kick in the head
A punch in the face
A push to the ground
Any day over the mental torment
You put me through for 6 months
Nobody in this world knows the truth
The surface has barley been scratched
But buried secrets yearn to be dug up
Harbored demons crave freedom
Painful memories must be remembered
Must be shared with others
If ever they hope to be released
Their silence is deafening tonight
As they spill forth from soul to paper
For the first time
Ever
--------------------------------------------------------
Holes in my walls
Scars on my skin
Monument to a tragedy
Someday I’ll finally fill those holes
Yet the scars stand eternal
A constant reminder
You used to hit things
Walls, cupboards, anything really
This I could handle
Then came the cigarette burns
All in the name of my attention
I still can see that manic-crazed look in your eyes
You always did it to my face
You wanted me to hear your “flesh burn”
Charred skin
Inner pain in tangible form
The knives followed soon after
I cannot bring myself put into words
The things I saw you do to yourself
"All in the name of love" you said
"All for you"
The gun was next in line
I silently wished for you to pull the trigger
You always held it in your mouth
But then I thought of her
I was helpless
Trapped
Afraid that if I left
You would actually do it
After time
Your suicide episodes left me jaded
I expected them
I could predict them
You
Gun in mouth
drunk, shaking and threatening
became alomost commonplace
In the midst of your worst episodes
You swore you would kill anyone
Anyone who came through that door
Anyone I tried to call for help
Then you would kill yourself
And I do believe to this very day
You spoke the truth
Yet I was safe
I was precious
Never a finger did you lay upon me
“Somebody” by Depeche Mode was our song
We held each other to this often
Swaying and singing out loud
Rejoicing in the fact that we had found each other
I had found my soulmate
There was a time i truly believed this
The last time we ever danced to it
You played it over and over
Stroking my hair
Singing the words
Holding my stiff body close
Completely oblivious to my lack of emotion
My coldness
My fear
I closed my eyes and prayed for a nightmare
[This cannot be real
How did i end up here?
This once beautiful song
Now tainted with your memory
Near the very end
The episodes stopped
The self-inflicted pain lessened
Yet then you became evil
Tormenting me with your presence
Always in my space
Always in my face
If I locked a door you simply broke it down
If I tried to leave you took my keys
Even at work you were always nearby
With the weapons put away
I finally had the strength to cry for help
September fear bred December courage
I chose Maria's mother
She worked for the Sheriff’s Dept
With battered and abused woman
Though far from battered
My emotional wounds were critical
Infected and cut deep
We talked for hours
I only hung up because he came home
I faced him that night
Standing strong on protected ground
We reached an agreement
It was a week before Christmas
I still had not begun my shopping
The following day
I cleared out my entire savings
and what I could spare of checking
A little over $2000 dollars
You demanded this
Only then would you promise to leave
It was the amount taken from your 401K
As down payment on the condo
The condo purchased in my name alone
Only because your credit was bad
I would have given you a million
Sanity and peace of mind hold no monetary value
You left that same day
You came back only for your remaining things
I never saw you again
--------------------------------------------------
If I could go back
I wouldn’t change a thing
The familiar saying rings true
I am 10,000 times the person I used to be
The strength gained is immeasurable
The confidence astounding
I learned a lot about myself
We were not all that different
I saw slivers of myself in you
The anger
The destruction
The insanity
Yet you let it overcome you
Took it to the extreme
That will never be me again
not even close
I emerged from the depths of your chaos
Reborn and renewed
Radiating from within
I had a new outlook on life
An internal happiness
After 22 years I had finally found myself
a pessimest turned optomist
a dark angry soul no longer angry
A trip to hell was all it took
You may not even still be here
If not I pray for Mychelle
If lingered upon too long
her memory still can draw rain
I hope her love was strong enough to keep you here
After tonight
I no longer hate you
I wish you well
I am sorry for all i was not
For the mother I never could have been
and for the soul mate i never was....
[ 07 September 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]
To this very day
This very moment
This very breath
The thought of you still terrifies me
I still occasionally get your bills
Unpaid and overdue
Accumulating massive late charges
Your car sat for six months till they finally towed it
Nobody ever heard from you again
For her sake
I pray that you are well
Sunshine could never compare
To the radiance and pure joy of that little girl
I truly did love her
I just wasn’t ready for her
Or you for that matter
It was heavenly the first year
I thought i had found love
You were never love
Madness
Obsession
Pure hell
That is what you were
An eye-witness to a tragedy
The death of your sanity
dementia before my very eyes
Hurt manifested in the form of violence
In the worst possible way
But you never touched me
I was god-like in your eyes
Precious
Perfect
Yours
Honestly I would have gladly taken
A kick in the head
A punch in the face
A push to the ground
Any day over the mental torment
You put me through for 6 months
Nobody in this world knows the truth
The surface has barley been scratched
But buried secrets yearn to be dug up
Harbored demons crave freedom
Painful memories must be remembered
Must be shared with others
If ever they hope to be released
Their silence is deafening tonight
As they spill forth from soul to paper
For the first time
Ever
--------------------------------------------------------
Holes in my walls
Scars on my skin
Monument to a tragedy
Someday I’ll finally fill those holes
Yet the scars stand eternal
A constant reminder
You used to hit things
Walls, cupboards, anything really
This I could handle
Then came the cigarette burns
All in the name of my attention
I still can see that manic-crazed look in your eyes
You always did it to my face
You wanted me to hear your “flesh burn”
Charred skin
Inner pain in tangible form
The knives followed soon after
I cannot bring myself put into words
The things I saw you do to yourself
"All in the name of love" you said
"All for you"
The gun was next in line
I silently wished for you to pull the trigger
You always held it in your mouth
But then I thought of her
I was helpless
Trapped
Afraid that if I left
You would actually do it
After time
Your suicide episodes left me jaded
I expected them
I could predict them
You
Gun in mouth
drunk, shaking and threatening
became alomost commonplace
In the midst of your worst episodes
You swore you would kill anyone
Anyone who came through that door
Anyone I tried to call for help
Then you would kill yourself
And I do believe to this very day
You spoke the truth
Yet I was safe
I was precious
Never a finger did you lay upon me
“Somebody” by Depeche Mode was our song
We held each other to this often
Swaying and singing out loud
Rejoicing in the fact that we had found each other
I had found my soulmate
There was a time i truly believed this
The last time we ever danced to it
You played it over and over
Stroking my hair
Singing the words
Holding my stiff body close
Completely oblivious to my lack of emotion
My coldness
My fear
I closed my eyes and prayed for a nightmare
[This cannot be real
How did i end up here?
This once beautiful song
Now tainted with your memory
Near the very end
The episodes stopped
The self-inflicted pain lessened
Yet then you became evil
Tormenting me with your presence
Always in my space
Always in my face
If I locked a door you simply broke it down
If I tried to leave you took my keys
Even at work you were always nearby
With the weapons put away
I finally had the strength to cry for help
September fear bred December courage
I chose Maria's mother
She worked for the Sheriff’s Dept
With battered and abused woman
Though far from battered
My emotional wounds were critical
Infected and cut deep
We talked for hours
I only hung up because he came home
I faced him that night
Standing strong on protected ground
We reached an agreement
It was a week before Christmas
I still had not begun my shopping
The following day
I cleared out my entire savings
and what I could spare of checking
A little over $2000 dollars
You demanded this
Only then would you promise to leave
It was the amount taken from your 401K
As down payment on the condo
The condo purchased in my name alone
Only because your credit was bad
I would have given you a million
Sanity and peace of mind hold no monetary value
You left that same day
You came back only for your remaining things
I never saw you again
--------------------------------------------------
If I could go back
I wouldn’t change a thing
The familiar saying rings true
I am 10,000 times the person I used to be
The strength gained is immeasurable
The confidence astounding
I learned a lot about myself
We were not all that different
I saw slivers of myself in you
The anger
The destruction
The insanity
Yet you let it overcome you
Took it to the extreme
That will never be me again
not even close
I emerged from the depths of your chaos
Reborn and renewed
Radiating from within
I had a new outlook on life
An internal happiness
After 22 years I had finally found myself
a pessimest turned optomist
a dark angry soul no longer angry
A trip to hell was all it took
You may not even still be here
If not I pray for Mychelle
If lingered upon too long
her memory still can draw rain
I hope her love was strong enough to keep you here
After tonight
I no longer hate you
I wish you well
I am sorry for all i was not
For the mother I never could have been
and for the soul mate i never was....
[ 07 September 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]
