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Tried cold turkey - failed. So ashamed ?

Anna, I have a toxic relationship with my mother as well. A psychotherapist will help you learn how to draw healthy boundaries. I had to learn that I am 45 years old and my own person. When she tries to meddle and micromanage my life, I have nothing to gain by fighting her; I just walk away. She is better now that she goes to CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous) though. I used to hoard Ativan (one of Valium's stronger cousins) for when I would visit her. Now, I just get out of her house and go sit in a coffee shop somewhere, or if I flew and don't have a car, I just take a walk around her neighborhood.
 
Nice to hear from you Anna.

It truly saddens me that people judge others when they've never been in that situation.
 
Yes they do, I personally see being an addicted mother or father requires immense strength, I respect anyone in that position fighting for a life for themselves and thier children.
 
AddictedAnna said:
Thankyou. The support on this thread has been amazing. It?s 5pm where I am. I took 3 at 7am when I got up. I had a half there ready to take and was running late for dropping my daughter off and I rushed out the door without taking the other half. I feel really ok. Im feeling more tired and I yawn a lot - but that?s the effects I feel and even at that it?s not a ?high? tired sleepy. First day without a sore head Aswell which is amazing. I?ve been waiting on it coming all day and nothing. God I don?t want to jinx it. I know it?s only really been 4 days of green tea, magnesium, vitamin b6, omega 3 fish oils and a multivitamin. But I?m not as agitated as I was even slightly. You?re right about taking my time. I think I know i want to continue down this path and try and get down to 2 then even 1 if it?s possible. But I can live with that compared to what I was taking at one point. I?m hoping I?m on the right path to a better and healthier way of living. If this path unfortunately fails me then I?ll have to try another one. I find the thought of living daily trying NOT to take just as exhausting as taking and I fear my life will be consumed by these pills for the duration whether I?m taking them or not. I don?t feel like I?ve over dosed by taking 3 this morning but I?ve been told that I have over dosed. I?m not familiar with all this because to me that?s not over dosing but then when it says on the bottle 2 to be taken 4 times a day then I guess I am  but I still have to try and think to myself that 3 in the morning over 24 hours must be better for me than 8 spread out over 24 hours. I just don?t know what?s right or wrong. I?m just doing what I can to keep my withdrawals at bay and my head above the water. To me over dosing would be what I was doing a few months ago. But I just don?t know now with all the things other people have been saying. I?m really proud that I?ve managed only 3 today and to feel ok. Makes me feel hopeful but then at the same time worried that I?m blinded. In another recovery group I told them
I was on 3 dihydrocodeine and I?m doing ok, and was told I was still over dosing and should go on a methadone programme  ..... this really took me aback because I?m not a doctor but I?d like to think I?m sensible enough to know that 3 dihydrocodeine a day must be better for me than asking my doctor to methadone. But again I keep
Thinking are they right and I?m stupid And dihydrocodeine is so much worse for me than methadone. It?s bizzarw because despite feeling like I?m on the right path - I still feel conflicted. I appreciate all the replies and advice I?m getting here. This is by far the best forum
I?ve been on looking for help for this. I?m eternally grateful to anyone who takes time out their lives to respond to me 

Anna xxx

Oh another guy on a fb support group said I was ?just a pretty face hiding behind a dangerous addiction and I was fooling nobody with my 3 a day bullshit?!! And it?s really not BS. I?m
On 3 a day and I disagree with him that I should go onto methadone. Comments like his make me feel like absolute crap [/QUOTE



ANNA I?ve heard this my whole fucking life EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD OR BAD IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I AM PRETTY AND PRIVILEGED. Farthest from the truth I earned every fucking scar through every war I was put through and not BECAUSE IM PRETTY. It?s not fair, and it?s not true. YOU DESERVE AS EVERY HUMAN BEING DOES THE RIGHT TO YOUR OWN STORY YOUR OWN FREEDOM. GO BACK TO THAT GROUP and tell him if that?s your advice sounds like you need another drink, if this is your sobriety advice you fucking miserable prick you need to use. And if you don?t want to let me I got your back till you can stand again. Left up your head u r worthy and deserve to love, be loved, and be free! ~XO
https://youtu.be/cFrwi9Mje7E
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Evening everyone,

Sorry it?s been so long since I updated. I?m still waiting to see a specialist. I was doing extremely well and I got down to only 1 tablet a day. Not sure if I posted this but did I mention that my already broken family suffered another devastating blow. My uncle (mums eldest brother) passed away. I don?t think I?ve been on since just before, but yeah my dear uncle died. That was papa 1 year 9 months ago, gran 9 months ago and my uncle, their eldest son, 3 months ago. My relationship with my mother picked up a little but now it feels strained again. My whole family has broken apart now. My marriage is going down the shitter and I started taking pills again. I was taking about 10/15 a day for a few weeks but fortunately the headaches they were causing were becoming so unbearable, I had to cut down again and at the moment I?m only taking a quarter of a pill a day. However .... my anxiety is through the roof so I?m still popping Valium and sleeping pills ? not even sure they are any use but like I said before, I psychologically feel relief at just putting something in my mouth. I swear it?s been so long since I was completely drink/drug free I absolutely detest the feeling of being just ME. I don?t remember what it was like to be sober. I?m actually starting to not care and that scares me. I?ve read so much about the depression that can occur for life AFTER sobriety and I can?t help but wonder what the point is?? I take things to try and stop feeling so crap. So I wonder what the Point in stopping is if I?m possibly going to end up even more depressed. Is there actually a light at the end of this tunnel?? Love to all.

Anna x
 
I totally understand where your at. My best advice is to use harm reduction to keep you safe while you use. After all you can't recover in the future if your dead
 
What?s harm reduction? Sorry if I seem stupid. I have heard the term before but never understood or looked into what it meant. I know I can?t be sober if I?m dead, but if I?m going to be even more miserable sober, I?m struggling to see the point? I?ve read horrific stories of people committing suicide years after getting sober because they couldn?t cope with life sober. I?m not depressed enough that I want to do anything silly to myself and I?m still (after all these years of abusing my body and mind) extremely highly functioning. I always used to hear people say that I?m functioning now but give it a few years and I won?t be. I?ve been on and off pills and drink since I was 15 and I?m still highly functioning. I hide my feelings well from my children. I get up and go to work. There have been days where I?ve taken 15/20 blues,maybe more, and over 21mg of zopiclone and I?ve barely even felt any difference. And even times when I have, absolutely nobody can tell that I?m high. I know I appear to have a defeatist attitude here and I don?t mean to. I guess I?m just questioning that for my own self, will the benefits of being sober out weigh the negatives. When I was sent to AA/CA years ago there was a 60 year old man who had been sober for 35 years. He broke down in tears and admitted that he had a more miserable life now than ever. The after effects of getting clean had floored him. He never married, he never had children because he was to afraid to go out anywhere or meet anyone because his anxiety AFTER getting sober was horrific and never really went away. He looked more broken inside than some of the people I met who were still actively using or drinking. I?m not HARD using like that anymore anyway. I?m trying to keep it to about 4 blues and 15mg zopiclone. But I just HAVE to take something every day. I wish I didn?t and that I could stop and just be happy with who i am without pills. I just can?t vision that happening for me ?

Anna xxx
 
Hi Anna

Hello gorgeous,

There a lot of people that improve their lives after becoming sober/clean, and I know it doesn't seem like that, but it is possible for you.

You're just not in a good head space right now, which is totally understandable, you've gone through a lot.

All I can say is when you are ready, we are all here to support you, you seem like a really fantastic person with so much going for you. And the way you write is lovely.

Love and support to you ,
your friend,
Ash.
pm me anytime if you'd like to.


AddictedAnna said:
But I just HAVE to take something every day. I wish I didn?t and that I could stop and just be happy with who i am without pills. I just can?t vision that happening for me ?

Anna xxx
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Thankyou so much Ash. That was a very kind comment. I would I guess I?m just in a bad place with my thinking surrounding all this and at a point where getting clean completely doesn?t feel like an option anymore. I?ve always struggled with anxiety and depression on and off anyway. And even though I?m anxious just now, I?m coping - just - and the thought of being clean and being unable to cope or function at all terrifies me. I feel like I?ve almost resigned myself to the fact that I?ll probably NEED to take something every day to make my life functionial. I?ll have good days where I might not have to take anything (it?s happened many times before) and I?ll have super anxious days and nights I can?t sleep so I might have to take a sleeping pill. I?m really pleased with myself that I?m down to a quarter of a 30mg tablet of DHC a day. I will never say never when it comes to this because I know full well I?m high risk for a relapse at any time, but I?d like to think my DHC days are almost over because of the crippling headaches the long term use was causing. I started only feeling high for maybe a couple of hours and then the dull ache would start and by bedtime I was having to lie in a cold dark room with a cold cloth on my head. The high was gone and all that was left was pain. I don?t want to go back to that. A 2 hour high isn?t worth the all day and night headache after. I?ve been taking vitamins. I guess In some way even putting them in my mouth helps me to psychologically feel like I?m still putting something in my body that will alter how I feel. I can see this journey lasting a long long time.

Anna xxx
 
Hi Anna, it's nice to see you back around here. Wishing the best for you.
 
Harm reduction is the philosophy of using drugs as safely as possible. It's the basis of this websites entire philosophy. A example could be as specific as don't ever mix opiates and benzos because the combination can cause fatal respiratory depression. Or it can be as simple as make sure you eat and drink some water when your taking stimulants. Basically just be as safe as possible with your use.

Personally I don't see recovery as all or nothing. I've cut way down on my drug use but I still get high sometimes. I have a Ativan prescription and im on opiate maintenance. My point is you don't have to get completely sober to bennefit from cutting back.
 
Anna,

Hello there. I started posting regularly in your absence, it seems, but im no newbie to addiction or recovery. Like you, I overindulged in alcohol in my youth, got a dui, cut back and thought I was good for years..till I started dabbling here and there taking pain pills my dad had left over from having cancer. That turned regular and within 3 years I was using heroin and daily (no needle..but still..). I also was very high functioning..I graduated college Suma cum laude during this time, stared a decent career, kept up a social life, and maintained two (separate) long term relationships while absolutely no one except my dealer knew I was using. People know how bc i have told them since beginning recovery but most still can't really believe it.

I suffer from anxiety and depression too and that's fhe main reason I used. However, these pills are really just making your condition worse. Think about it..you can't be on these pills forever. If the UK is anything like the us, you will eventually get cut off..then what? Street drugs cost a lot and heroin is a death sentence. Maybe it doesn't seem like it now, but you will not be able to keep up this lifestyle forever. Eventually you will get a new Doctor Who will stop writing prescriptions or your doctor will wise up. Trust me. Nothing good like this last forever. And eventually you will have to withdraw. I say start now before your life really goes in the crackers. I started recovery after only losing a little and I'm very thankful for that. And I've had thoughts like yours too... when Anthony Bourdain died just a couple months ago I got stuck on the thought process that life after drugs must be just so terrible if someone could give up heroin so many years ago, have such a successful life, and then still want to kill himself. But in reality, I have no idea why Tony B did that and it probably had absolutely nothing to do with his former heroin use. Also, you need to remember that these pills have a very powerful control over your brain and they are literally telling you that life is awful without them. These pills are making your brain do whatever it can to keep them in you. Do not let them do not listen to them.

Don't feel ashamed of yourself or lose hope. There is a statement I like to think about a lot in recovery which is fall down seven times get up eight times. Just because you failed today doesn't mean that you can't succeed tomorrow
 
I would also just like to add that yes there are people whose lives are miserable after they quit drugs or alcohol... But that is because these people gave up substances but did nothing to remedy their reason for starting the substances in the first place. You can't just expect to quit the substance and have all your problems disappear... That's called a dry drunk, you know? Someone who doesn't use anymore but still has the attic mentality. That's why therapy in addition to quitting or using ort is so important
 
Again, thankyou for the lovely and comforting responses. Yes, dry drunk. That?s what another person in the meeting told me the man was. Basically she said that although he?d changed his drinking habits, he?d been unable to change his thinking habits. I?d say harm reduction is exactly what I?m doing right now. I TRY to take as little as possible. If I know I?m going out for a meal or to a party etc and will be drinking I try my very best not to take anything except my quarter of DHC in the morning and try to remind myself all day that it won?t be long until I?m having a few drinks and that will help me to relax and escape. Usually the day after I?ve drank I have terrible anxiety and tend to take more pills then, but I try to ride out the anxiety for as long as possible the next day and try to have as much of the alcohol out my system as I can. The doctors are currently trying to wean me off the DHC, but in true addict style, I haven?t told them I?ve already weaned off to a quarter a day, so I?m still getting a full months supply every month and have hundreds of them saved up. I also went through months of not taking Valium but still getting my script. I?ve also lied about leaving medication on holiday, or that my husband flung the bag out my script was in, and I?ve even went as far to report my bag stolen to the police and said there was a full months supply of meds in it just so I could stock up on meds. The fear of them completely stopping my meds is terrifying. I?d like to think I?d never go to the streets or turn to heroin, but it?s impossible to say what I would/wouldn?t do in the future if I was desperate ?

Anna xxx
 
Do a Very slow tapering of about 6 months or. It should be half The time of the time you have been "on"
 
Honestly Anna, you keep talking about worrying about "damage"..you do realize that alcohol is considerably worse for your body than opiates are, right? Opiates, besides the chaotic addictive lifestyle they create, are generally physically harmless. This isn't me saying hey keep using opiates forever but please don't worry. Even mixing the pills shouldn't do too much, provided you're not drinking to the point of black outs or anything.

Also, you keep calling yourself a failure. You know prince died from a fentanyl (dihydrocodeines much much more powerful cousin) overdose a couple years ago, right? And you know how he got that fentanyl? He bought what he thought was hydrocodone off the street and it was fake and it killed him. And prince wasn't your typical druggie rock star..he was a hardcore Jehovah's witness who didn't believe in drinking, partying, shit even eating meat but he thought he was ok taking pain pills bc of all the damage he had done to himself from all his crazy stage theatrics throughout his life. Even he became addicted. Now, you wouldn't call prince a failure would you? Far from it! Just trying to show you that it can happen to anyone.

I suggest a very slow taper, as the person above stated take 6 months..take a year..just stick with it if you can. Go down a quartet of a pill once weekly. It'll be so slow you won't notice. And try going to some meetings if you can..there's alternatives to aa/Na that can be a lot more positive experience just do some googling. Smart recovery and refuge recovery are come examples. I'm glad that you are on a waitlist for a therapist, but you need someone to talk to about this and meetings are full of people who have been exactly where you are and can offer some great advice. Good luck and I hope you're having a good day today.
 
I hardly ever drink. I used to binge drink but I knocked that on the head. I haven?t had a sip of alcohol since my cousins birthday bbq 3 weeks ago, and then before that I can?t even remember. I don?t crave alcohol. My husband will have a few beers in the house sometimes and I can?t be bothered. I work and I?m driving early so I don?t take the risk. I?m down at the moment to a quarter of a 30mg DHC a day. The headaches after the high we?re becoming to excruciating and I don?t think I could ever go back to that. At the moment my issue is heightened anxiety and diazepam/zopiclone. Today is a good day so far though. I?ve managed to only take my quarter DHC and two Valium. It?s not bed time here yet so I?ll need to see how I feel when that comes round whether I?ll feel the need to take zopiclone. I just feel like a failure because even if it?s only one or two pills a day - I still feel like I NEED something in my body. I?ve cut down drastically. But I know that tomorrow I could be feeling so anxious I take 4/5 Valium. It changes day to day. I?ve just forgotten what ?normal? feels like and im feeling unsure I?ll ever get back what I had 20 years ago. A life of no pills. Coping with life without the aid of something to help me. I?m really trying not to feel so hopeless. I?m sorry if I sound full of self pity. I don?t mean to ? but so far today is a good day ?

Anna xxx
 
Glad you're having a good day!

Not to worry you, but careful with the benzos too. They are also addicting and make opiate withdrawal look like a cake walk when you try and get off them..they can even cause seizures and death during wd if you're really dependent on them. You know multivitamins make you feel good too, have you considered having those be your pill when you feel the need to just "take something"? GABA is also great to take for anxiety and is a natural approach (vs benzos) and can be found in health food stores...and it really works, trust me. GABA acts on the same parts of your brain that alcohol and benzos do, the part that promotes relaxation. These things would help you and be much better for you than opiates or benzos.

I wasn't implying your alcohol use was causing you damage, just telling you that alcohol, in general, is a lot worse for a person than opiates...even opiates being severely abused. I'm glad you've cut back on the pills, I really am, but I highly suggest finding someone (besides your husband) to talk to or you're just going to keep falling into this pattern anytime things in your life are going badly. And, trust me, it'll only get worse. I started on a weak pain pill, such as yourself and eventually my tolerance built up to where I had to take 60mg of oxycodone just to even feel it which became expensive. When the pill guy was out of pills one day, he offered me heroin. I said no. I kept saying no for 2 1/2 years whenever he'd run out, I'd just deal with the withdrawals, until one day I caved and decided to try it. I had become so poor from spending $60+ a day on pills and, after trying heroin, I realized I could spend literally 1/8 the amount of money I was spending on pills if I switched to heroin. Heroin was something I thought I'd never do either...trust me..I'm a white, pretty, upper middle class girl who's educated, from an educated and well-respected family, and I had never been one to hang out in too rough a crowd (my friends liked to drink and party like most young people, but had their shit together for the most part). But once I decided to switch to heroin (a switch i meant to be temporary, while i got my finances back in order). I went downhill quick. I lost the love of my life once he found out about my addiction..he didn't use and didn't understand addiction (at first, he gets it now). I'm fortunate that I've done a lot of work in recovery and gotten him back, well in the process of getting him back slowly but it's looking good, but I almost lost him and then a lot of other things if I hadn't decided to start recovery. I haven't been perfect in my recovery, i've had some relapses and some slips, but I'm learning so much and I keep trying.

Stop calling yourself a failure. Please. The shame and guilt you're carrying around is making this so much worse. This sort of thing happens and it doesn't mean you're weak, a bad person, immoral, etc.
 
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