Are most of you who have replied clean Now or still working on it? Did you ever have massive relapses where you ended up taking more than you did before you managed some sober time? ?[Anna xxx
I am 61 years young. Began using drugs, including alcohol, at 13. I used opiates for the first time in 1981 shortly after college when I moved to New York City. Heroin was sold openly on the streets of a nearby neighborhood. By 1991 I was heavily addicted and lost my career, my girl, my apartment, my dignity. I entered a detoxification ward and immediately after discharge I was admitted to a 28 day residential substance use disorder facility. Upon discharge in February 1991 I began attending 12-step meeting routinely. From Feb. 1991 until July 6, 1993 I managed total abstinence except for 2 occasions where I had short lived, weekend, relapses. I was fully involved in the 12-step process during this time and was able to quickly re-engage and resume recovery. I stayed entirely clean from all drugs, including alcohol, for the next 17 years.
In 2010 I had dental surgery and misused the pain meds that were prescribed to me. The guilt and shame associated with that lapse unleashed the monster that was waiting patiently inside me. Weeks later I was taking pain medication unnecessarily. I welcomed dental surgery and exaggerated any aches and pains I was having. I stopped attending and being otherwise involved in the 12 steps fellowship. At some point in 2011 I slipped into occasional heroin binges which became not so occasional. Since my relapse in 2010 I have had weeks, possibly a few months, of total abstinence, followed by sporadic opiate binges. I entered outpatient substance abuse treatment programs twice over the last 8 years, finding them only somewhat helpful. I started using buprenorphine as an adjunct to formal treatment a few years ago. I currently take 500 micrograms per day as prescribed by my primary care physician. I'm not dependent on any other drugs. I do drink one or two glasses of hard cider a day.
I'm admittedly on the fence with respect to total abstinence. I'm in relatively good health. I run regularly (haven't smoked a cig in 20 years) and have an active social life. I dread being completely off buprenorphine yet don't want to increase my dependence either. I don't want to give up my cider, which I enjoy making as much as drinking. As an addict, I'm on a slippery slope. While I have a handful of close friends who are all active in recovery, I have yet to resume 12-step meeting attendance.
So, am I clean? Being "clean" means different things to different people. In my opinion, I'm not clean. I drink socially and take suboxone, albeit as prescribed. Even if I were to stop drinking, I wouldn't consider myself clean because I know I can live without the bupe. I do
live clean however. Living clean is another important aspect of recovery. I won't get deep into it, but if I am living dirty (cheating, lying, cutting corners, etc.) I will never feel good about myself. Recovery is about feeling good about oneself.
I speak only for myself. Everyone has to determine for themselves their status as an addict and what it means to be clean.
Finally, fortunately I have never had a "massive relapse." Things have never been as bad for me as they were prior to being introduced to recovery in 1991.
