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Trial And Error

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xxbrokenxx

Greenlighter
Joined
May 10, 2010
Messages
29
Location
Toronto, ON
Ive been told i should come here and spill my guts. Im not into that but instead ill just give ya a background of whats bothering me(technically im not spilling my guts)
I dont have it terrible at home, u might think its pretty sad tho for a 4 year old girl to be wishing she wasnt born. Clearly im not 4 anymore, that was 10 years ago. My dad used to smack me a little, he yelled, put me down constantly. I guess you could say i was kind of bullied at home.
I was also bullied at school. I think thats how it starts. I wasnt rich enough for the other girls, I was too fat, too ugly. I do noot get along with girls. For many years ive been wishing i could die. So i had no one, and no where to go. I would go to school to get pushed around, and then come home to get yelled at. My dad even admitted in front of me he never cared. I used to make excuses like hes my dad so im supposed to love him anyways. Now i hate him so much ud probably be scared. I have one friend, thats enough for me. I dont even hang with her all the time. I got used to being alone. Every friend i ever had has left me, so i guess i have to be self suffiecient. I do have a reliable mom, but i dont like talking to her and my sister is just kinda of awful. Ive attempted suicide about 13 times.
I kno im strange, it just never works out. I am depressed, and i have been in a hospital for attempting suicide. Im not rlly good enough for anyone, not the kids at school, my family, or my teachers. But do i care? nope. After my most recent best friend left me, I stopped loving. I love no one and nothing now. Sure, i still care about people, but i dont love them. I kno i am most likely boring you with my dumb life, but sometimes a person needs to vent. Your problem if you wanna read it. I do like advil a bit more than i should, but im not dead yet. My experiences with backstabbers has made me very trustworthy, i would not sell a secret even if i had a gun to my head. I dont like life at all, im useless to society. I push people away, probably why no one wants to stick around. I wouldnt kno, everyone leaves. Anyway, theres alot more but like i said ur probably getting quite bored and im sure whoever is reading this has their own problems.

maybe this is a mistake.
 
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I remember your tylenol thread....glad you decided to make a thread here in TDS. Yes we all have problems, but this is the place to share yours and hear other people tell you their problems as well as to try and find a solution. Venting is good.
 
not for me, ima strange person. When i vent to people, I start to get like suicidal its weird. But thats usually with people who are close to me.
 
I'm glad you made it to TDS. I've had some similar issues in my life, but at some point you realize that the things making you miserable might be stuff you can't control, so you try to make the stuff you can control positive.

Please stop "liking advil too much," doesn't fuck you up, and it's not good for your stomach to take large quantities. Plus, during that time of the month or when you get a headache, you want it to actually help relieve pain.

You're only 14, there's still plenty of life left to live...I'm almost 23, I've had a rather tumultuous past 9 years of my life but I definitely am glad I stuck around and live it --- teenage years suck, but it gets better.
 
hey lady, you made it. the dark side can be a pretty helpful place. i don't post here much, but i read a lot in here. i don't think you're story is dumb or boring, it's life.

i get that sharing about what's going on can make you feel worse. talking about it forces you to confront it and who the hell actually wants to talk about what they are trying to avoid and block out.

i don't know if you're looking for advice. i know i was never fond of being told what i 'should do' to make me feel better. so here's a little bit of scoop on myself:

i didn't have a 'bad' homelife persay either. i didn't really get hit or anything. a lot of my home 'problems' were also with my father. he was never exactly nice to me. he actually told me he wished he could leave me on the side of the highway when i was about seven. to this day my mother still says i made that up. my dad always had a way of getting to me. he'd tell me i was unattractive- too fat, the clothes i wore were ugly, my hair was too short and too thin, how could anyone like me, etc etc etc. we never got along, all we ever did was fight and but heads. i can't remember an occasion on which he ever told me he loved me, or gave me a hug or a kiss. needless to say, i wasn't a daddy's girl, and i envied the girls who were. i never felt good enough for him. if i wasn't good enough for my own father to love then i knew i wasn't good enough for anyone else. i thought that no one could ever love me. i put myself in bad relationships thinking i deserved it. i'd be with guys who called me names, hit me, and brought other girls home just to see me get upset. i even thought it was my fault they were so terrible to me.

i started cutting/ burning myself when i was about fourteen. it made me feel better. my mother sent me to doctors but it didn't matter because i was sure that everything was my fault, i would never amount to anything, no one would ever love me, and my life was pointless. i tried to kill myself but fucked that up too. i started living a promiscuous lifestyle. drinking myself retarded, taking drugs to numb myself, sleeping with random people to feel special, and putting myself in sketchy situations that i was aware were dangerous. when i was seventeen a guy i knew raped me in a bathroom stall at a bar and made me believe it was my fault. i got pregnant on my eighteenth birthday and then made myself miscarry. my "friend" whose kid it would have been yelled at me about it and denied it was his anyway. i knew i deserved these things. i wanted something bad to happen and i felt like it should have.

i kind of figured out at some point though that my dad just has emotional issues. he doesn't know how to talk to me. he doesn't know how to relate. he doesn't know how to say he loves me or that he cares. he thinks by yelling and pointing out my faults it will help me better myself on my own. he's the one with the problem. it was never me. i didn't really realize this until i moved out of his house. since i moved out, our relationship has improved a lot. i do love my dad, not because i have to, but because i understand and accept his faults of lacking communication skills with his daughter. it would be easy to blame everything on him, but i can't. i brought a lot of shit on myself by trying to make it his fault.

i started demanding a better life for myself. there's always going to be shit that i can't control but i have to accept that even when it's hard. i have to focus on what i can control and make it as positive as i can. it's too easy to just say fuck it. i'm 23 now. i'm currently battling an opiate addiction that my family recently found out about. it's so easy to just say i don't care and to just keep using until i die, but i' ve decided to test myself. a lot of why i decided to get my shit straightened out was to see if things really could get better. they do but it's always going to be a struggle. i've come to terms with that.

anyway, just figured i'd give you some dirt on myself. everyone always says "get it all out, you will feel so much better." that's usually bullshit. but since i was a part of the people telling you to check this place out, i feel like i should also share even though it isn't exactly my thing either. i'm not saying this is going to help you or save you, or any of that happy nonsense, it's just words. i'm not saying my problems were/are bigger or more important than yours either; they're not. you're entitled to feel upset, depressed and angry. don't shut that away to make other people more comfortable- if screaming at the top of your lungs makes you feel even a little better, do it. life isn't some pretty painting like some people try to make it out to be. it's ugly and painful. that's what i always say anyway. on the same token, if you don't want to tell the world your business- then don't. i've told you that you can message me if you like. you don't have to tell me anymore than what you want. i'll be here to listen. if you want advice, i'll give you my input, but if you don't i'm not going to force it on you.

i can say however that i'm glad you're still around. i hate to see beautiful young women taking their own lives. you have purpose and you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else does. you're part of the big bluelight family now and there are people here willing to listen and lend a hand in whatever way we can.

 
thanks, heres something i forgot to mention: i dont believe in love, happiness, marriage, happy endings, god&religion, life. Good things never happen to good ppl. Im not a good person but just saying. Thanks so much, but i dunno.
 
Hey xxbrokenxx :)

First i just wanted to tell you that what you are experiencing is called puperty and that things will change drastically in the progress of growing up... then i remembered how much i dispised talk like this ten years ago (i'm 24) and how dumb i always thought people talking like that were and that they surely never experienced the darkness i am feeling...

Instead i'm gonna tell you that you are doing great! you had a really hard time growing up (being fat really isn't easy, i know because i was one of those sick bastards making fun of fat children in school, and let me tell you: it will haunt those people until they die!) and have never been in a place where you fit in... but there is something in you that doesn't let you go, that made those 13 suicide attempts fail... i think it's hope, the hope that one day you'll find your place and be able to love again and above all the hope to be loved one day... because to me it seems you never experienced true love (not in a romantic sense) as you seem to think that you are too fat, too poor, too different or too whatever to be loved... but truth is: true love is unconditional! Someday you'll find that place where you will be loved and will be givin love to others and i wish that day comes soon for you!

So i want you to think about this thing that keeps you in this world and that no doubt motivated you to post in here: your hope! your knowing that you deserve better! (you really do!)


xxbrokenxx said:
I stopped loving. I love no one and nothing now.
Click to expand...

And that is the problem, imo... you already accepted being alone, having nobody in this world to lean on in hard moments, that is very very tough for anybody... but in your age (and that is in no way meant in a belittling way) i can't imagine anyone coping with that...

you need to learn to love yourself and your life! you need to realise that it's their wrong when they insult you for being who you are, that you are a wonderful being with the capability to spread much love in this world! Don't let them get you down! it's them not you!

and lastly i want to remind you: the world is big! you have still to discover most of it, western society with its greed and dirt is not all there is! Please don't commit suicide! but show them what you're really capable of!

I'm sending some good vibes your way :) (in real life i would give you a long hug now... long hugs can cure basically anything *g* )

just a stranger from the other side of this big dirtball called earth :)
 
thanks, but i really do deserve to die. And i dont want anyone to feel bad for me, alot of ppl think im stupid, but screw them. I dont have anyone or anything, n i dont love. I cant just start, and i dont plan on it.
 
Hi broken <3

You do NOT deserve to die. You are NOT stupid or strange. You are a beautiful person. I can understand how you've come to believe the opposite over the years with the way you've been treated, but nobody deserves to die, especially you. You have to believe that.

You are not to blame for anything that has happened to you, you are a victim of some horrible circumstances but it's not your fault.

As RainbowWarrior said, you've just hit puberty, and that could definitely be a factor in your depression. I know for me puberty was a fucking horrible time of my life. I was often suicidal and resorted to self-harm and started drinking at about your age. But all of that leads to nowhere and just makes everything worse, and much more difficult.

Have you ever seen a counsellor before? It might be worth thinking about. Perhaps there's one at your school that you can see at lunchtimes or something. You're so young and there is so much opportunity to turn things around and learn to be happy again. You can do it.

Please take care of yourself. If you ever need to just vent to someone about how you're feeling please PM me. I might not know you but believe me, I care <3
 
1. Its not puberty cuz its been like this for 10 years, since i was a kid i wished i hadnt been born.
2. i see a counselor from the hospital, doesnt help much tho. I seriously cant be helped, my only option is death. But thnx, thats rlly nice of ya.
 
You don't deserve to die. Ive felt like that many times myself because ive been so down and people have let me down because i am way too trusting of people. But i still let people into my life and i have a good deal of friends. If i let all the stuff get to me id be a bitter old bastard that noone likes.

All i can say is that suicide is not the answer. Ive been there alot myself since i have bipolar and a chronic pain condition. Hell ive sat with a loaded shotgun on the table thinking of reasons not to splatter my brains alkl over the wall. But i didnt do it because i always come up with atleast one reasons not to.

All your problems can be dealt with in some way besides offing yourself.
 
You're certainly not stupid. It's really hard to see the light when you obviously are in such a dark place. I used to kind of laugh at the idea of ever feeling better from something someone on a message board wrote. But there's all these people in this Bluelight community (not that I'm really a part of it), And they're sending you their light and love, because they know how bad it sucks too feel the way you do.
I almost committed suicide 13 days ago, please don't do it. Saying things will get better tomorrow might be a lie, some of us struggle for years with these issues (I'm 29 30 in a few months and have been severely depressed since 13). Two weeks ago I said to my mother 'If I had known the last 17 years would be so hard I'd have offed myself when I first got depressed', but things really can get better eventually, you just really need to believe that right now. School doesn't last forever, you don't have to live with your Dad forever, and you say you have a reliable Mom. Maybe that's enough to hold on for a little while longer, but you'll never know if you don't stick it out.
Just remember, there's people on here who are there for you, and sending you love and light and hoping that you stay strong for long enough to find it...Love...
 
I've had a lot of friends come and go over the years. I've had times when I've had no friends at all. It's not that you're not good enough for them. Maybe they just aren't good enough for you. :)

Teenagers in your age bracket can be particularly flaky and mean! It's up to you to find the strength within yourself to overcome their negativity and choose to feel comfortable in the skin you're in. I don't get along with other girls either. I've been picked on since the day I started school for being 'strange,' but now that I'm in my 20's, I'm glad I wasn't a part of the 'hive.' I love myself for who I am and don't give a crap about the world's opinion. Many of them are lowlife sheep anyhow that are going to spend the rest of their life miserable because they spent their younger years putting people down that weren't exactly like them. You don't need their hate. Think of their voice as a tape in your head. Shut the tape off. Ultimately you have the power to take control of your mind, as your thoughts and feelings are YOURS and no one else's!

Suicide is not the way. Please trust me. I'm a chronic depression/pain sufferer and an opiate addict, but yet I still don't feel like I deserve to die, even when I feel like I'm in the worst hell. If you deserved to die, you would have never been born! Every individual that walks this earth has at least one thing good about them that makes them special. Including you, hon. Focus on that for now and build on it.

You're not stupid. In fact you're doing a smart thing by reaching out. Too many people live with the pain inside them and never let it out. Venting is a wonderful thing. I wish I had allowed more people into my fucked up world of depression when I was your age. It could have helped, if I had let it. I know you can sort things out, with time and with helping hands. STAY STRONG! Hang in there, chica.

<3
 
If your friends think your not good enough chances are thats the way you percieve it or they are just assholes. Ive had to stop hanging around with all but maybe 2% of the friends i used to have because i realized we had nothing at all in common besides our drug habits and if i stayed with them id be dead or in prison. It's nothing against them it's just that once i hit my early 20's i realized we just had nothing tangable in common really. Plus they valued drugs over any little friendship we had so in my mind they wherent really friends of mine.

It's very common in your late teens and early 20's to lose most of your friends. I know that it's happened to most people that i know.

The attitude i took at that time was i have to take care of myself first and shag everyone else. But i still have friends i just don't count drug buddies into that list anymore. To my real friends well you know who you are ;) . I still believe in love despite being burned in that department as well.

I had a kinda fucked up childhood. I grew up in a place where the poverty rate was very high but i never went very hungry mind ya. Also i was a fucked up JD as far back as 11 years old when i was drinking, smoking hash and stealing everything that wasent (and sometimes was) bolted down. I also had a violent temper which got me into more then a few problems.

Also your not stupid and your problems can be solved without resorting to offing yourself. But when your in that depressed mindset it seems impossible and i know that all to well.
 
yo, social stuff works far different when one reaches majority age . your mental apparatus is still being wired and with that in mind be prepared to get your emotions in check when logic trumps emotions during your entry into the (hopefully) logical arena of making a go of finding a place for yourself in the complex life of work .
 
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