I'm looking at that blister of tramadol as I write these lines.
I made myself the promise that I would write this post before taking tramadol again. I have had enough of it, I hadn't planned a time when to go off the tramadol but over the last few days of withdrawal (WD), I have made my plans. I want to go off it forever.
I have been a tramadol user for these last 3 years, of which the last 2 have been on an almost daily basis except for those times when I would go off for a few days or a few weeks at a time, when my tolerance was still small enough and going off them only produced very mild WD symptoms.
Tramadol, however, has been my drug of choice.
As I write these lines I am on my 10th day of WD, can't really remember as I have been loaded on benzos to help with the WD and my memory is hazy. I did take tramadol 5 days ago, and found myself getting a worse WD after that single day of dosing. You are one nasty drug tramadol, I swear. I hate to love you.
It all started 3 years ago. Going through some personal dramas, I could not sleep and started to become depressed. One day, I remember I had some tramadol and being the drug wannabe amateur chemist that I am, I knew that its ability to release serotonin could surely help somehow. I had used it very sporadically before and found it had some AD effect so I thought, WTF, let's try it. I had to go to work that day, was feeling emotionally destroyed from the lack of sleep and depression, and 2 capsules later, I was feeling like a million bucks.
I knew I was onto something.
I started using it sporadically for those days whenever I hadn't gotten some sleep the night before (long term insomniac here). This was for about a year. I then went on a daily dose of 3 caps (2 years ago). The rest is, well, you know the story.
I always thought I was smarter than the drug. In fact, I managed to stay on a 3 caps dose (150mgs) for a year, it's fast acting AD effect never wore off. That effect, the effect it gave me upon taking a good dose of caffeine in the morning and then my 3 caps, oh my, pure utter bliss. Screw MDMA, screw cocaine, screw anything else in my life: everything would be lifted off me. No, I wasn't high, it was like I was me, like I could actually function better as a human being. I tried to be smart about the dose, trying to take days or even a couple of weeks off, trying other stuff (St John's Wort, methylphenidate, tyrosine). Nothing ever came close to what 3 caps of tramadol would do in the morning. Nothing.
Two years later, I don't know who I am without the drug or even how I am. I have built my last 2 years on tramadol and I have done a lot of stupid shit that at least I know I would not have done without the drug. I have ADHD and quite possibly other mental ailments (bipolar, mild depression) and I know that the tramadol was my way of self-medicating. Tramadol did nothing for my focus but OH GOD, did it give me that motivation in life. I swear, I am looking at them right now as I type these lines, the blister of 10 caps is right next to my laptop. I'm looking at it in this precise moment. It's like motivation and happiness in a freaking capsule. Unfortunately, these days I have to take 5 (250mgs) to feel what 3 once gave me.
The highest I have ever done is 650mgs and only taking clonazepam prior to avoid seizures. However, a more therapeutic dose I have found as tolerance rose was 350-400mgs. The WD, of course, is bad. I feel for those who are on doses higher than I have had, for years at a time and have had to face WDs. You may think tramadol is an amateur drug or not hardcore but the WD is brutal.
I have a final project to finish. I started it when I was on tramadol and I ran out of tramadol some 2 weeks ago. I could not even think about that project when I run out of tramadol. Not only the WD was hampering my ability to even think straight but I knew that without the tramadol, I could not do it. This project is essential to my life in that I have made it my goal to finish it. After these 10 days of hellish WD and coming to terms than I don't even know who I am, I have made the following goal:
I have 3 weeks to finish this project. I will resume the tramadol but after I finish this project which I had started and which is an important part of my life, I will be done with tramadol. Forever.
Time to face my life without the trams. I don't like the prospect of living my life attached to this pill, it's an awesome temporary patch but it is time to let it go. The WDs are nasty but what is nastier is not knowing who I am anymore.
I am going to have to relearn to live without tramadol and that is the harder part of it all. I have created a plan and have allocated time off everything in my life to face the WD and the relearning process. I know it will be about a month before I can begin to enjoy life and rediscover my life again. But I cannot continue to neglect me, to not know who I am.
I will also seek professional therapy. I have lied to doctors and phychs to score more tramadol, I have lied to my close family members and also the family of my S/O. I have lied to myself. I am a good person but tramadol was the priority number 1 in my life and if I had to lie, I would surely lie.
I don't blame my life debacle on tramadol. I will tell you now that this drug is a miracle for those who are in desperate need to have relief on their lives. As a painkiller it is absolute rubbish, at least to me, but its fast acting AD effects saved me once from destroying my life. Of course, I bought time with tramadol and I knew, deep inside, that the moment would come to say goodbye to her (tramadol). The moment is after this project.
Life has its ups and its downs. On tramadol, when life had its down all it took was taking some more and the down became an up. I have done some great things on tramadol but also some utterly disgusting things too. I have lied to myself.
I promised myself yesterday that before taking the tramadol today I would write this post. As I walked to the pharmacy today I was considering just taking the tramadol on the spot and screwing the writing of this post because I would have to wait one hour to sit down first and write these lines. Somehow, I have managed to do it and now look at that blister knowing that all I am buying is time and a temporary patch of happiness. After this temporary patch, I will face hell and I am aware of what I am doing by taking tramadol again. This time, however, I am determined. I love the feeling it gives me but I just cannot continue like this, I cannot. I don't know myself, tramadol stole my soul and who I was. And it was me who let it do it, no one else's fault.
When I am finished with these 3 weeks of tramadol use, I will go back to this post and when the WD kicks in and I feel like life has no purpose and feel suicidal (as the WD has me feeling), I will read these lines which I wrote. The lines which were written as I was starting to feel a bit better as the WD had started to subside yet I decided to buy myself some time again with her.
Tramadol, the drug I hate to love.
P.S: I will look at any comments posted in the meantime as I lurk. No need to post if you don't want to, this is just a post I have made to remind myself of what I did without tramadol as I was starting to feel better. Thanks for reading and please do not quote this post if commenting
I made myself the promise that I would write this post before taking tramadol again. I have had enough of it, I hadn't planned a time when to go off the tramadol but over the last few days of withdrawal (WD), I have made my plans. I want to go off it forever.
I have been a tramadol user for these last 3 years, of which the last 2 have been on an almost daily basis except for those times when I would go off for a few days or a few weeks at a time, when my tolerance was still small enough and going off them only produced very mild WD symptoms.
Tramadol, however, has been my drug of choice.
As I write these lines I am on my 10th day of WD, can't really remember as I have been loaded on benzos to help with the WD and my memory is hazy. I did take tramadol 5 days ago, and found myself getting a worse WD after that single day of dosing. You are one nasty drug tramadol, I swear. I hate to love you.
It all started 3 years ago. Going through some personal dramas, I could not sleep and started to become depressed. One day, I remember I had some tramadol and being the drug wannabe amateur chemist that I am, I knew that its ability to release serotonin could surely help somehow. I had used it very sporadically before and found it had some AD effect so I thought, WTF, let's try it. I had to go to work that day, was feeling emotionally destroyed from the lack of sleep and depression, and 2 capsules later, I was feeling like a million bucks.
I knew I was onto something.
I started using it sporadically for those days whenever I hadn't gotten some sleep the night before (long term insomniac here). This was for about a year. I then went on a daily dose of 3 caps (2 years ago). The rest is, well, you know the story.
I always thought I was smarter than the drug. In fact, I managed to stay on a 3 caps dose (150mgs) for a year, it's fast acting AD effect never wore off. That effect, the effect it gave me upon taking a good dose of caffeine in the morning and then my 3 caps, oh my, pure utter bliss. Screw MDMA, screw cocaine, screw anything else in my life: everything would be lifted off me. No, I wasn't high, it was like I was me, like I could actually function better as a human being. I tried to be smart about the dose, trying to take days or even a couple of weeks off, trying other stuff (St John's Wort, methylphenidate, tyrosine). Nothing ever came close to what 3 caps of tramadol would do in the morning. Nothing.
Two years later, I don't know who I am without the drug or even how I am. I have built my last 2 years on tramadol and I have done a lot of stupid shit that at least I know I would not have done without the drug. I have ADHD and quite possibly other mental ailments (bipolar, mild depression) and I know that the tramadol was my way of self-medicating. Tramadol did nothing for my focus but OH GOD, did it give me that motivation in life. I swear, I am looking at them right now as I type these lines, the blister of 10 caps is right next to my laptop. I'm looking at it in this precise moment. It's like motivation and happiness in a freaking capsule. Unfortunately, these days I have to take 5 (250mgs) to feel what 3 once gave me.
The highest I have ever done is 650mgs and only taking clonazepam prior to avoid seizures. However, a more therapeutic dose I have found as tolerance rose was 350-400mgs. The WD, of course, is bad. I feel for those who are on doses higher than I have had, for years at a time and have had to face WDs. You may think tramadol is an amateur drug or not hardcore but the WD is brutal.
I have a final project to finish. I started it when I was on tramadol and I ran out of tramadol some 2 weeks ago. I could not even think about that project when I run out of tramadol. Not only the WD was hampering my ability to even think straight but I knew that without the tramadol, I could not do it. This project is essential to my life in that I have made it my goal to finish it. After these 10 days of hellish WD and coming to terms than I don't even know who I am, I have made the following goal:
I have 3 weeks to finish this project. I will resume the tramadol but after I finish this project which I had started and which is an important part of my life, I will be done with tramadol. Forever.
Time to face my life without the trams. I don't like the prospect of living my life attached to this pill, it's an awesome temporary patch but it is time to let it go. The WDs are nasty but what is nastier is not knowing who I am anymore.
I am going to have to relearn to live without tramadol and that is the harder part of it all. I have created a plan and have allocated time off everything in my life to face the WD and the relearning process. I know it will be about a month before I can begin to enjoy life and rediscover my life again. But I cannot continue to neglect me, to not know who I am.
I will also seek professional therapy. I have lied to doctors and phychs to score more tramadol, I have lied to my close family members and also the family of my S/O. I have lied to myself. I am a good person but tramadol was the priority number 1 in my life and if I had to lie, I would surely lie.
I don't blame my life debacle on tramadol. I will tell you now that this drug is a miracle for those who are in desperate need to have relief on their lives. As a painkiller it is absolute rubbish, at least to me, but its fast acting AD effects saved me once from destroying my life. Of course, I bought time with tramadol and I knew, deep inside, that the moment would come to say goodbye to her (tramadol). The moment is after this project.
Life has its ups and its downs. On tramadol, when life had its down all it took was taking some more and the down became an up. I have done some great things on tramadol but also some utterly disgusting things too. I have lied to myself.
I promised myself yesterday that before taking the tramadol today I would write this post. As I walked to the pharmacy today I was considering just taking the tramadol on the spot and screwing the writing of this post because I would have to wait one hour to sit down first and write these lines. Somehow, I have managed to do it and now look at that blister knowing that all I am buying is time and a temporary patch of happiness. After this temporary patch, I will face hell and I am aware of what I am doing by taking tramadol again. This time, however, I am determined. I love the feeling it gives me but I just cannot continue like this, I cannot. I don't know myself, tramadol stole my soul and who I was. And it was me who let it do it, no one else's fault.
When I am finished with these 3 weeks of tramadol use, I will go back to this post and when the WD kicks in and I feel like life has no purpose and feel suicidal (as the WD has me feeling), I will read these lines which I wrote. The lines which were written as I was starting to feel a bit better as the WD had started to subside yet I decided to buy myself some time again with her.
Tramadol, the drug I hate to love.
P.S: I will look at any comments posted in the meantime as I lurk. No need to post if you don't want to, this is just a post I have made to remind myself of what I did without tramadol as I was starting to feel better. Thanks for reading and please do not quote this post if commenting
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