Tramadol stories - I lost the woman who wanted to give me everything

[ImOutOfHere]

I started a thread last year saying how bad tramadol had put me down. I decided to continue with tramadol during this year as my business was taking off. I'm now at a stage where, while the business requires still some good effort, I'm essentially earning a very comfortable amount of money. But im hooked on tramadol like you would not believe it.

I recently met a woman who had everything I had in the woman in my dreams, or very close to it. We even planned to have kids. She didn't know about my addiction to tramadol. I cannot stop the tramadol as I'm now up to 800mgs daily to be able to work, although I can manage myself on 350mgs daily if I don't work. But I have to work a lot most days. We met online and I invited her over to my house (I paid for everything). It was love at first sight so to speak and we both wanted the same in life. However, I knew deep inside me that this wasn't to be doable because tramadol is the equivalent of handcuffs in a pill (credits to that para-phrase from a heroin addict who once described methadone as "liquid handcuffs". Fvck, was he right about drug addiction in general).

She spent 5 days with me and we talked everything for her to move with me to my house and start a family (literally have our first kid now). She made me see that I wanted to start a family as she was everything that I was looking for. But I felt like a liar because I didn't tell her about the tramadol addiction and I know that tramadol will impact my relationship with her. I have enough money (after busting my chops for over two years with this gross tramadol monkey on my back) that I can do whatever I want with my life. I want to move to another country as I can work from home and we talked about doing a coast-to-coast caravan travel through USA and Europe.

Unlike other women, she didn't love me because of my money. She was a gift from God, but I had to let her go. When she left after the 5 days, we had agreed for her to move to my house two weeks later and start our life plans. But I cut my communication with her and told her goodbye for real. I know that my tramadol addiction would not just hurt our relationship but also her. The funny thing is that I know that she would have stood by my side, but I though that it was too egoistical of me to ask her to understand that.

Having said that, it was also egoistical of me to make plans with her when I knew that tramadol would hold me back. But, for some days, I felt liberated like tramadol was gone off my life as I could make plans with my life. I was only taking 350mgs during those days with her and even one day I only took 300mgs and slept soundly, imagine how happy I was!!!

I've been on daily tramadol for over 3 years now; I'm now on 800mgs for most days. Tramadol has destroyed my social life, or better said, I've let it destroy my life. I can't even go on holidays because tramadol makes my legs feel weird when sleeping so I have to sleep with a f*cking air conditioner blowing cool air to my legs. All I've done is work like a donkey these last 3 years, but I don't know how long I can continue this. Yes, I have money, but fvck all the money when you have to let go of the woman that God sent you to be the mother of your kids.

So there, here's another story for the forum of how Tramadol addiction will destroy you folks. I don't even know if I will ever meet in my life a woman like her. I doubt it, she had everything that I ask for in the mother in my children. EVERYTHING. I don't even know if I will be here in this planet in the next year, hence I seriously doubt I will ever meet someone like her. Someone like her would be pretty much my only way of getting up from this sh*t.

The thought of suicide comes to my mind every day and has been for the last 2 years. I cry some days when I remember what my life is like; I'm a recluse. It would also be egoistical of me to kill myself once I have a kid or on the way. That was also a reason why I let her go as the thoughts of committing suicide grow stronger and stronger every day. But you know what? She made those thoughts disappear. I felt with her like I wasn't tied to Tramadol; like I had been freed.

So another story to blame on myself and on choosing this little evil to take over my life. I started tramadol because it made me feel like a nice person and productive. I have ADHD and I am 99.9% that I'm also bipolar. I cannot tolerate methylphenidate as it makes me a sexual maniac and then the comedown is seriously suicidal. Tramadol fixed my mntal ups and downs and put a blanket of happiness over my head. I also became productive and not all over the place. The effect only lasted one year. The last two years (if not more) I just take tramadol to not go into withdrawal. It gives no boost and makes me even more suicidal.

Withdrawing from tramadol puts me at a very high risk of committing suicide. Been there and it's a very, very dark place. I've read studies that tramadol has been found to put patients in withdrawal at a higher risk of committing suicide. Yep, I can vouch for that.

My only hope is withdrawing with the use of oxcarbazepine which I have read in studies that helps a lot. It's also a bipolar med, so perhaps it helps with the suicidal depression. I can also vouch that pregabalin helps A LOT in withdrawing, but my tolerance is too high as I use it every 2 weeks to come off tramadol for at least a day (yep, this is my FUN day as I get high and don't work and forget about being bound by tramadol. How's that for a sad and secluded life?).

I've lost a woman who would have given me the most precious gift in life. It's my fault. It's absolutely my fault. But believe you me, for a moment, I felt in love and I looked forward to planning my life. Now she's gone, and I'm here working on my business debating whether to sell it off for 6 figures, coming off tramadol, jump on some kind of psychiatric treatment (I do believe that methylphenidate can help me, especially Concerta) and starting my life again.

That, or continue working until I blow up, literally.

Damn, heartache on tramadol hurts twice as bad.

Please, do NOT get hooked on tramadol. Sure, some people see it as a kiddie drug since it ain't heroine, but this f*cker will grab you by the balls and twist them as it wants. Look for psychiatric help if you feel that tramadol helps you mentally. I'm actually convinced that a low dose of a selective AD like escitalopram with a time-release dose of methylphenidate or dexedrine (that new version with the amino acid attached) would be an awesome treatment with perhaps a low dose of some bipolar med like oxcarbazepine or even a trial of liothyronine (thyroid hormone) would help (I can vouch that T3 helps with depression and cuts the need for tramadol in half).

Stay away from tramadol addiction.

 

[Makeloveinthisdrug]

You didn't say when you met the woman you're talking about.
If it's not to late, then give her a call? If you're right for each other, then she will understand.. Nobody is perfect.. there is guaranteed also something that she's not telling you.

If it was me, and we have just recently met.. I would do the best i could do to hide it. Then i would stop taking it?
you don't have to say that you're addicted to tramadol. Make something acceptable up? It's not wrong to be egoistic. you would be surprised at how egoistic a lot of women are.



Believe me. I know everything about Tramadol withdrawals. I have been using it for three or four years. And in a lot higher doses than you. I mixed them with benzodiazepines so i would't get get a seizure, and the effect would be a LOT higher and better.

I told my self that i had to stop a year ago. 5-7 months of total agony, tiredness, concentration problems, almost NO sleep, nightmares. restlessness in the legs, cold sweats, sweating, headache, stress, anxiety and so on..
after one year i'm still feeling withdrawals. But i'm sure that it's the benzodiazepines that are still given me a hard time.

 

[ImOutOfHere]

Sometimes I think that there is no way out. Losing this woman has shown me how bad I have it. I want to start a family with the right woman (she was), be off tramadol and be happy. I don't work for the money. Sure thing, it is good to have a good cushion of money to remove your financial worries, but it serves of no use for what I want in my life.

I don't think that I will ever find a woman like her. I would ride my motorbike to nowhere, but I've taken some clonazepam as the heartache is too bad and I want to numb myself somehow. I'm also going to take my next 500mg dose of tramadol as I took 250mgs some 2 hours ago and I can tell that it is affecting my mood bad as I have to re-dose. I can tell when it's my time to re-dose when I start becoming suicidal and severely depressed. Dude, the feeling is never late, two fvcking hours after taking my 250mgs when I wake up, the tramadol comes knocking on the door.

"What? You don't want to take 500mgs of me after two hours? Very well, here's your harsh reality under a magnifying glass that will make every little sad thing in your life seem like it's a good reason to kill yourself. Feel the morbid and excruciating mental pain or take 500mgs of my good shit. Go on, you know that you need me.

LOL that's exactly the type of conversation that I have when I took at the fvcking 10x caps of 50mgs blister prior to taking it. A whole 500mgs in one go, enough to send someone into a seizure. Luckily I haven't had any but I've felt close to them several times.

I want to ride my motorbike with my long hair in the wind and with the woman who is to be the mother of my kids in the back seat as we casually spend a beautiful sunny morning riding. For what's worth, I know that riding on a motorbike sin't exactly the safest thing if I want to be a dad, and I will be buying a big car when the moment comes. But just that feeling of freedom and knowing you have next to you the perfect woman who will be the best mother to raise your children. Priceless.

 

[ImOutOfHere]

You didn't say when you met the woman you're talking about.
If it's not to late, then give her a call? If you're right for each other, then she will understand.. Nobody is perfect.. there is guaranteed also something that she's not telling you.

If it was me, and we have just recently met.. I would do the best i could do to hide it. Then i would stop taking it?
you don't have to say that you're addicted to tramadol. Make something acceptable up? It's not wrong to be egoistic. you would be surprised at how egoistic a lot of women are.



Believe me. I know everything about Tramadol withdrawals. I have been using it for three or four years. And in a lot higher doses than you. I mixed them with benzodiazepines so i would't get get a seizure, and the effect would be a LOT higher and better.

I told my self that i had to stop a year ago. 5-7 months of total agony, tiredness, concentration problems, almost NO sleep, nightmares. restlessness in the legs, cold sweats, sweating, headache, stress, anxiety and so on..
after one year i'm still feeling withdrawals. But i'm sure that it's the benzodiazepines that are still given me a hard time.

I met her online. The rest of women whom I've met online where interested in my money or simply weren't what I was looking for.

I sent her some serious messages telling her goodbye in an exaggerated manner as I wanted for her to forget about me. I don't want her to keep thinking about me as I will be nothing but trouble for her if she's with me and I'm still with my tramadol addiction.

OH yes, clonazepam with a high dose of tramadol is as close to heroin as it can get. I usually take clonazepam to prevent seizures, but I can easily go one week without taking the clonnies so I'm not severely addicted (yet).

How did you withdraw? Any special meds that you used? I'm surprised with the lack of experiences of using oxcarbazepine as I've read medical reports that it's as close to a miracle medication for the withdrawal of tramadol (it treats both the AD and the opiate withdrawal). I surely will report about my experience on it if I ever decide to come off using oxcarbazepine (which may be soon). My only worry with oxcarbazepine is the rare-but-real Steven Johnson syndrome as I will be using it unsupervised (no doctors) and likely with a higher-than-usual dose as apparently a high dose is what helps the withdrawal.

 

[Makeloveinthisdrug]

You sound very depressed. Maybe you should seek help with a professional?
If you can't accept yourself you can't have any relationships.


I'm not gonna lie. It's going to be very very hard. I find tramadol withdrawels a lot worse than Benzodiazepines withdrawels. So in the first state, i would use benzodizepines. ( Couple of weeks) Try not to be addicted to them too, and only take them if you need them. But you sound like you do.
Benzodiazepines will help you sleep, and remove some of the restlessness you're feeling.
If you can't get your sleep you're going insane.

I took a cold turkey. I figured it would go a lost faster. I never would have expected it to take this long. I thought that it was going to take a week, maybe 14 days like other opiates. But man. was i wrong..

There is no miracle cure for it. You're going to have to fight it right on. It took as said several months for me get pass the worst symptoms.
The only thing i can recommend it to be strong. Do not relapse. Take benzos if you can't sleep. Eat food, take long showers. go on some walks.. Try to find something to do that makes you happy.

It's hell in the start.. But it will eventually get better.

 

[herbavore]

You know what you have to do--maybe it will take the support of a good rehab to do it. It sounds like you have the funds so research programs that give you more than just the medical help to detox--programs that will give you support for your mental states (why you started using in the first place) and tools to regulate your mind. I'm not bipolar but I do have ADD and it can be a bitch for sure. But you can learn adaptations that make life a lot easier (especially at work but also in general). Don't fall for the trap that you cannot get free of this drug.

If your goal is to have a family and a loving partner, you know you have to do this. As far as this woman goes, I would tell her the truth rather than making her feel there was something wrong with her and that is why you suddenly cut things off so abruptly and without explanation. Either she will let you know that she loved you and wants to help you see this through or she will be honest herself and let you know that she is not up for it. Either way, you will have done the honorable thing of telling the truth.

 

[dognasher]

I read your other thread, and I hope I don't come off as too blunt, but it seems like you haven't learned anything at all in the last year.

I sense a lot of drama and self pity in your posts, as well as a need to be validated for being well off and working hard, which everybody wants, but the way you throw it around in every post seems sort of like you are fishing for approval. And I think that's something at the root of this - you can't give yourself approval for who you are and your human failings and flaws...things we all have.

The reality is that yes, you can be miserable when you have money. You can be miserable without it. You can be miserable with or without a partner. And after reading all your posts, I wonder if you might find a way to be miserable no matter what until you address your addiction and find a way to be secure in yourself?

Woman can sniff out insecurities like bloodhounds. We don't care if you are rich or poor or fat or whatever, as long as you're real with yourself and have confidence. It's hard to have confidence when you are fighting addiction and that bleeds into everything. And we also can love people with flaws - just because you have an addiction does not mean you are broken or not deserving of love.

I feel like maybe you projected this all onto the woman you were dating and then dumped her because of the disgust you had for yourself? I think you really need to work on being forgiving to yourself and accepting of life's ups and downs.

It sounds like you have an imaginary set of standards that you hold over yourself, and possibly everybody else. You moved extremely fast with this lady, perhaps foisting onto her all your hope and dreams? Meanwhile, I think the long standing addiction to Tramadol has made your thinking patterns warped and clearly has a huge impact on your self esteem and needs to be addressed before anything else.

Tramadol works in mysterious ways, and you are probably dealing with not only a myriad of issue that come with opiate abuse (I am a recovering heroin addict, so believe me, I know the hell) but also the serotonin aspect the drug. I really think you should put a hold on everything and face up to facts that you need help, and get it from a professional. Like you said, you have the means to do it. People would kill to be able to afford all the treatment that you can.

Addiction DESTROYS our self worth. It strips away our very sense of self. It takes everything away. You can't possibly find answers until you address this.

I know I sound like an asshole, and I really don't mean to come off that way, but nothing will change for you unless you address the root issues of your self esteem and addiction, and if you don't, I am 100% sure we'll be seeing you here again next year with a new thread about how miserable you are.

Life happiness is not measured by money we make, the accomplishments we achieve, the people we date... those things are part of what happiness is built on, but I'll tell ya, all of those things are meaningless, hell - impossible to achieve, if you are not secure in who you are as a person. Your future children that you dream about won't care about how much cash you make or how good looking you are - but they will look to you as their example, and for you to truly know yourself and have quiet confidence is the best gift you can give them.

Obviously you have talent and drive if you have gotten yourself to such a successful place in business at such a young age...so I know you have it in you to put the rest of the pieces together.

Find yourself, and the rest will fall into place. It always does.

I wish you luck!!

 

[tharoomman]

*This is longer than I intended. I hope you read it all*

This is a harm reduction site right? If your gonna do pain pills. Do ones that won't throw you into a seizure, say, while your DRIVING.

Here's a little bit of hope for you. Things ALWAYS seem hopeless while you are going through it. The fact is most things are either fixable or replaceable.That is a rock solid fucking fact man. Even that woman is replaceable, *to an extent*
Man, there(or is it their?)is like 7 billion people on the planet, right? How many of those are females? A fuck-ton.

If you've truly lost her for good, have hope.

When you get in the "I don't wanna live" frame of mind,remind yourself of the woman who will never have a husband and the kids that will never be born if you go through with it.

One last thing. Don't you dare downplay your money. Those that say money isn't important are either lying to themselves because it sounds good, don't have money or are fucking stupid. You don't come off as stupid. Money isn't everything but its pretty fucking important.

The fact you have a successful business means a fuck ton as well.

You know what I would do to have the drive, like everyone else in my family and you apparently have?

Find your way dude. You can do it.

 

[RedRum OG]

Just be honest, now. Before its too late.

She's probably all messed up and confused since you gave the cold shoulder without a good explanation
Don't do that drama-movie b.s. man. It's useless. Be an adult and communicate well. If you really think this is the chance of a lifetime you absolutely need to go for it. Though as a fellow addict I will say be careful as you probably have background issues that lead to this addictin and also make you kind of susceptible to codependency, and to some, that whole thing may sound like it. The spending 5 nonstop days together... And immediately planning on kids. I wish you the best and hope its legit though.

What do you have to lose. She's already gone by your choosing. And if you communicate well you may get her back. If you're really crazy about each other why would she choose to leave

 

[jammin83]

That was a good post dognasher.

Man, I really don't understand tramadol addiction, it never did anything for me at all, no opiate effects or anything. I do know it has SSRI properties so if you go about a taper you need to do it slowly. To the guy that has been going through a year of withdrawals that is pretty crazy. I have been in withdrawal from APs for a year but I would never have thought tramadol would be like that. I was going to ask if maybe you could just switch to kratom but I don't think that's a good idea. I really don't think inpatient would help you much because you would have to taper it so slow you would be in there for a while!

Most definitely you need to be tapering slow. I am not familiar with tramadol withdrawals in particular, but for psych drugs you should taper no more than 10% every three to four weeks. You gotta get off of this stuff man. It's sucking the life out of you, I can tell, I've been there with drugs. You'd probably be better off with a classic opioid than than tram just because of the psych drug properties. Get yourself a mg scale and start doing it yourself. You should have minimal discomfort if you do it this slow. If you are feeling WD bad, you are going too fast. It might be uncomfortable but should be bearable. You do 10 % of the previous dose not the original dose, that is important. If you have a hard time with that, you can make even smaller cuts over a shorter period of time, it's called microtapering. Crush up the tram, make a suspension, and use an oral syringe to measure out precise dosages. Im getting off of psych drugs so I have a bit of experience with tapering. Being as the withdrawals can be so long lasting, you need to go about this the right way, or you'll be suffering severely for a long time or minimally for a long time, the choice is yours but be smart. I know because I fucked up my taper and am paying for it dearly a year later.

As far as the girl, it seems like it was mostly your doing. Got something good going for yourself and fucked it up. I do that a lot too. No big deal, but in a sense it was probably a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why do you feel so bad about yourself? You should probably find that out before you pursue another relationship. I am a firm believer in being honest in relationships. My girlfriend has helped me a lot with my addiction issues and she has had some less severe struggles herself. I have mental health problems and all types of problems and she has stuck with me and we are working towards having a life together and improving ourselves. Its not easy, but just because you have some issues doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship. It's doable but being honest is a good start.

You have to commit to getting better and do what you have to do. If not you are destined to keep repeating this cycle of self hatred. Get the help you need, get some counseling, recovery programs, and get at it. In a year, do you really want to be in the same place? Take the first step and get some help. Pretty much any kind of help. Start tapering, slow. It could take a while, but you can really fuck up your brain when you go too fast off of drugs. Take it easy and one step at a time.

Much love man

Makeloveinthisdrug can you eleaborate on your symptoms? Reason I ask, is because a lot of WD symptoms kind of overlap when you destabilize your CNS. Do you think you had any of those types of symptoms or mainly just opiate related symptoms? Did your mind remain intact?

 

[Chiller1011]

That must off been so tough for you ! Good loyal women are hard to find so when you do find one you certainly know you have one worth hanging on to !!
I have been going steady with a girl shes 6 years younger than me and she isn't in the drug scene at all ! And i am on 40mg off Methadone and 4mg daily of Xanax now i know i need to tell her as in any relationship honesty is so important.