Tragedy I am stuck on. Need an opinion plz

[deadhead507461]

My cousin, Shelby. She was Autistic. Born 10 years ago into a well off family, she was the only child and had everything she could have ever wanted, and access to any treatment. She could not talk to us, she would use her hands and sounds to show her emotions like clapping if she was upset.

She would go to school with kids like her and have special activities and such. She belonged to a horse riding club for Autistic children. They would ride every weekend as sort of physical therapy, and she just loved going their.
Shelby also loved to swim, they had a big pool and she would use a life jacket and swim almost everyday. She just enjoyed life, in her own unique way.
Her father, my uncle works very hard and travels the world all the time for his corporation.

They would have a baby sitter some times when they both would be gone, she would even stay the night some times. This baby sitter was 19 years old, female young college student.

My aunt and uncle were going to Italy in November 09, and the baby sitter was to stay their a few nights and take care of Shelby. The second night the sitter invites some friends over to party at their house, so she locks Shelby in her room and doesn't think twice.

The party leaves the house at 3am (they have a camera outside the house) and the sitter goes too, they go to Denny's to eat. The sitter unlocks Shelbys door before she leaves and makes sure she is okay, and everything was. So she leaves to Denny's.

The sitter comes back at 6am. And finds the back door open to the backyard. Goes outside and finds my baby cousin at the bottom of the pool. Shelby just wanted to do what she loved, swim. She had nobody to watch her and she drowned all alone that night. 10 years old and she was taken away from us, just like that.

We had a funeral and her tombstone is now up on the hill with the family. I was one of the ones to carry the casket. We laid her casket down above the hole and we begin to pray..all of a sudden a baby dragonfly flies up and lands on my hand. It's her, I just know it coming back to tell me she is okay now and in heaven.. I now have a tattoo of a dragonfly and Shelby under it. A few of my family members also got the same tattoo.
This tragedy has ruined my Aunt and Uncles 15 years marriage, they are soon going to divorce.

A court date is coming up soon for the sitter who is being charged with gross negligence. I just cannot come to peace with this at all, it troubles me all the time. This sitter went out and left a Autistic child alone.. I am so upset that I didn't have enough time to spend with Shelby and really get to know how she was.

Any advice on how I could get thru this time of my life?
Find peace?
Any advice would help me,
Thanks

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi deadhead, I'm so sorry to hear of such a tragic loss of a beautiful little girl.
R.I.P Shelby

It sounds like your family is pretty close-knit, have you all been pretty open about your feelings after this event? Death affects everyone in different ways, and we all cope differently and grieve at our own pace. For some people it might take a bit longer to accept the death of a loved one, and for some reason other people seem to move on a bit faster. I think talking about it usually helps to speed up the healing process. Do you feel like you have unsettled thoughts or emotions that might be of benefit to talk about with say your parents, or a sibling, or even a close friend? Perhaps it might be worth considering seeing a counsellor/therapist for a short period of time, so they can help you work through your grief.

Take care, and let us know how you're going, particularly through the period of the sitter's trial because I suspect that will be pretty hard-going for you


Moving to TDS.

 

[Kallisti]

That is just heart-breaking. My step-son has autism and there are a lot of challenges that go along with that. The baby-sitter should have never left your baby cousin alone...........locking a 10 year old girl in her room so the babysitter could party is morally reprehensible as well. I hope she goes to jail for what she did.

I think it's cool that you and your family members got a tattoo to remember her by. You may be able to set up something at a tattoo shop where if a person gets that tattoo design, then part of the proceeds could go to a charity for kids with autism. Stay strong

 

[deadhead507461]

I feel like I wasn't able to spend enough time with her. They lived an hour away and we would visit maybe 10 times a year plus holidays.
It's hard to talk about it with anyone in my family, it seems as if everyone is still in shock. My uncle is now taking 40mg of Welbutrin a day and 20mg of Ambien at night, along with the raging alcohol, it is just tearing him apart and you can tell just by his appearance. I never see my aunt anymore, she leaves town to be with her girlfriends. They are selling their home because they just cant stand to be in that house, and walking past shelbys room everyday must be heartbreaking. They don't want to try to have another child in the fear that the baby would be autistic.

I guess I have more anger towards this sitter than grief. I just want to kill this bitch sitter and I cant come to terms with ever forgiving her to find peace.

Thanks for the advice, I hope this sitter is held accountable.

 

[graugeist]

I am sorry to hear of your loss, but it is possible to look at what happened as a good thing. She was unable to communicate to anyone. As she would grow older, her life would certainly only become more difficult, especially when her parents became too old to care for her. She would inevitably wind up in a long-term treatment facility far away from the rest of her family and without the numerous freedoms she was able to enjoy as a child. Who knows what her life would be like when it would come time for her parents to die. Perhaps it was a good thing that Shelby left early in her life when she seemed to have the best childhood going for her.

I am by no means attempting to trivialize the horrible events that have unfolded resulting in the loss of a very dear loved one. I am just hoping that, if you can look at it this way, it might help you to cope while you grieve. It seems like she left after having many very enjoyable memories. Hopefully she is reflecting on all of the wonderful times she had with her family now and she is at peace.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

I am sorry to hear of your loss, but it is possible to look at what happened as a good thing. She was unable to communicate to anyone. As she would grow older, her life would certainly only become more difficult, especially when her parents became too old to care for her. She would inevitably wind up in a long-term treatment facility far away from the rest of her family and without the numerous freedoms she was able to enjoy as a child. Who knows what her life would be like when it would come time for her parents to die. Perhaps it was a good thing that Shelby left early in her life when she seemed to have the best childhood going for her.

I am by no means attempting to trivialize the horrible events that have unfolded resulting in the loss of a very dear loved one. I am just hoping that, if you can look at it this way, it might help you to cope while you grieve. It seems like she left after having many very enjoyable memories. Hopefully she is reflecting on all of the wonderful times she had with her family now and she is at peace.

Quality of life is very much subjective.

 

[Kallisti]

I am sorry to hear of your loss, but it is possible to look at what happened as a good thing. She was unable to communicate to anyone. As she would grow older, her life would certainly only become more difficult, especially when her parents became too old to care for her. She would inevitably wind up in a long-term treatment facility far away from the rest of her family and without the numerous freedoms she was able to enjoy as a child. Who knows what her life would be like when it would come time for her parents to die. Perhaps it was a good thing that Shelby left early in her life when she seemed to have the best childhood going for her.

I am by no means attempting to trivialize the horrible events that have unfolded resulting in the loss of a very dear loved one. I am just hoping that, if you can look at it this way, it might help you to cope while you grieve. It seems like she left after having many very enjoyable memories. Hopefully she is reflecting on all of the wonderful times she had with her family now and she is at peace.

I used to work with adults that were MR/DD AND mentally ill concurrently. This did include autistic adults. Things are not what they used to be like in terms of living arrangements and treatment plans for adults with special needs. Obviously, our non-communicative clients required more care than those who were able to speak and communicate. Each client had a different direct care team so there would be around the clock care for each person. The clients we had with an IQ in the 50-60 range (60 was the cutoff for this particular residential program) were surprising functional in terms of being able to have a job, domestic skills, etc. The autistic adults in the residential program that could not communicate were still able to express emotions (in their own way), would have favorite activities like coloring, play doh, playing with toys, music, etc, and received intensive speech, occupational, and living skill therapy. The clients lived in houses that were rented either in their name, or the name of the organization and typically each client had 1-3 roommates. Most clients in this program received financial support from SSI and Medicaid. Some had family that helped but most did not.

Most residential programs for MR/DD and autistic folk are leaning toward this model of care and as a result are happier, healthier, and well cared when compared to previous models of care for these adults.

Graugeist, I'm not trying to start an argument at all.......I am pretty sensitive about things like this although I do understand your point and agree with you for some cases where quality of life is so crappy and awful, painful, etc. It's just that we have come a long way in providing long term residential care for people with autism; even those with poor or no communication skills can have a good quality of life.

OP: I'm sorry if I derailed your thread for a minute. It sounds like your family is reacting to her death and their grief in self-destructive ways. It is totally common to feel guilt after a death, like how you were saying that you didn't get to visit her much. I would advise you to try not to get stuck in this headspace. Clearly, you loved and cared for her a lot and it sounds like you did go out of your way to spend time with her.......otherwise you would not have seen her ten times a year. To me that sounds like a lot of visits! My parents don't even visit me that much, lol! Maybe you can find a way to express your grief creatively since you said that you can't really talk to your family.........like painting, writing, photography, etc. If you do need someone to talk to, I would be happy to listen. Peace.

 

[barnstable84]

When someone dies, those around them always feel like they could have done things differently and changed the situation.. You loved your cousin and we can all tell by the way you write about her, but don't feel as though she didn't know she was loved by you and that you didn't get to see her often enough, because she would definately know how much you loved her and how much her family loved her.

One thing you can do is harness your love for Shelby and use it to promote or do fundraising for autism and try to improve the lives of those that are living in Shelby's name, like mentioned above with the tattoo idea.

In the town I live in, a girl died in her sleep at only 10 years old and was the only person in Victoria (the state I live in in Australia) under the age of 18 that donated organs to other children in need, so to raise awareness, the family had rainbow shoe laces made by a company that agreed to make them for nothing and any money raised goes to a foundation in the little girls name to try and promote organ donation and it's something that touches alot of people..

I guess people don't see a need for things like child organ donation or Autism awareness, so make them aware and make them understand it so that it becomes less of a stigma and using that positive awareness as a way of helping you and your family deal with the horrible loss you've experienced it.

I hope this helps and i'm sending you love and hugs xoxo

 

[seducedsoul]

This made me start to tear up which I don't do easily.
I couldn't imagine- I also have a little cousin who seems to have the same depth of Autism that Shelby had. and honestly, such similar interests.
I haven't much to say, just that I don't think you EVER have to "get over" anything within time, but just learn to be able to not let it debilitate your life.
So much good advice from other posters.

Best Wishes.
Lovely about the dragonfly.... =)

 

[Outofclosetlurker]

What a horrible, totally preventable tragedy. I am so sorry for your loss and that of your family. My heart goes out to you all

I think speaking to a therapist who specializes in bereavement counselling would be beneficial to you. The emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal but a therapist would be able guide you through them.

 

[graugeist]

Everyone: Just wanted to reply again. I was only trying to propose that, if deadhead507461 thought about things, the events as they unfolded might possibly not have been a bad thing after all. Just trying to help.

 

[barnstable84]

Everyone: Just wanted to reply again. I was only trying to propose that, if deadhead507461 thought about things, the events as they unfolded might possibly not have been a bad thing after all. Just trying to help.

I understand you were trying to help, although I may not agree with the way it came across. It's so hard to convey emotion when it's just text on a screen. When someone is so close to someone who, like Shelby, has autism that stops her from developing properly in certain ways, you still love them because they are family.

I think the main reason people are getting upset over your remarks are because she was OP's cousin and she was accepted by her family and they could see her being a happy little girl, regardless of her disabilities (for want of a better word) and why be happy over having that lovely little girl gone, even if her quality of life is less than that of the rest of her family.

I'm really not trying to start a fight, I'm just trying to convey what it must be like to lose such a special little life, autism or not.

Thats all.. I don't mean any offence, just trying to expand on what everyone else has been saying in response to your original post.

 

[Depressicaa]

I lost my long post.

Anger doesn't really solve anything, your little cousin would have wanted you to be happy. Unless you use your anger constructively (modify your testification etc), don't be mad okay?

And wow... horse riding lessons thats amazing! I wish I had that. Be happy that her short life was great until she died.

Whats the most you can get her in for gross negligence?

 

[strangefamiliarity]

To the OP,

The emotions you feel are a normal part of the grieving process. What happened was a horrible preventable tragedy that has changed your life forever. If you cannot discuss this with your family, find friends or a support group. If you feel counseling would work fo ryou, try it.
I think selling the house may be a good thing. It will allow your aunt and uncle to put some distance between themselves and the scene of the tragedy.

I offer you my sincerest condolences. Find a way to get yourself through the trial. What the babysitter did was wrong. Try to stop ffeeling guilty as you have done nothing wrong. You know that you tried to see her as much as you could. Please do not think I am being arrogant becuase that is not how the last few sentences were meant. I realize that text on a screne has no tone.

Strange Familiarity

 

[Coolio]

The tragedy wasn't necessarily preventable; I can't believe someone is being punished over this. How does that benefit anyone?

 

[tamoz]

coolio, maybe you didnt read the entire post but the babysitter grossly neglected this little girls safety. She was more concerned about getting drunk or doing drugs with her friends, while she locks Shelby in her room. Please tell me you see something wrong with this, because if it's all right to take advantage of someone else's house and party and get paid for "babysitting",then i cannot imagine what is wrong.

The bitch was more concerned about a late night trip to dennys, you dont leave a 10 year old child home alone, autistic or not. Plug your family into the equation and tell me you would not want this bitch dead or in jail.

I hope she rots in a cell and I hope what she let happen will haunt her forever. OP, god bless you and your family, and i hope you can somehow find the strength to get past this tragedy.

 

[Nikolai]

Im sorry, if you are having a very hard time with your loss I would advise you look into counseling of some kind. I doubt any of us are going to be able to help you much.

Tragedy like this is all too common. Death is a very tough thing to deal with. Losing a parent, child, cousin, shit, even a pet, can be very hard to deal with and get over. Just remember that others can understand what you are going through, as I said, tragedy like this is much too common.

 

[Nikolai]

The tragedy wasn't necessarily preventable; I can't believe someone is being punished over this. How does that benefit anyone?

If the story is as the OP says then the babysitter was obviously negligent. She was hired to babysit an autistic child, and left her alone for 3 hours in the middle of the night. That is downright moronic to leave not just an autistic child, but a 10 year old child of any kind, alone for 3 hours. The babysitter is young, I doubt she meant harm and Im sure she feels badly, but it was a costly mistake she made. She's not going to get jail time, but she will be, and deserves to be, punished in some way. It wouldnt shock me if the childs parents end up disappointed with the slap on the wrist she will likely get.

 

[Coolio]

But when this occurs at 3AM, what was to have stopped the girl from doing the same thing randomly some night while the parents were asleep?

 

[Nikolai]

But when this occurs at 3AM, what was to have stopped the girl from doing the same thing randomly some night while the parents were asleep?

Who knows what preventable measures kept something like this from happening in the past. The babysitter should have been at the house when thats what she was paid to be doing, thats what the whole point of having a babysitter is. IMO you dont leave a 10 year old alone like that for that long, especially a child with autism.