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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

took sub this morning, copped H this afternoon . WTF?

J

jake99

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i had gotten myself a couple subs since im tired of being hooked on d and cant afford it anymore. took about 4 mg this morning , went to work , and by time work was over was in so much pain drove all the way to the hood to cop (hour each way) spending money i need for health insurance
i dont get it , maybe if i took more sub i wouldntve felt like i needed to use . i am just so weak when it comes to dopesicknes.
and i had about 5 klonopins with the sub and sitll was sick (got a huge benzo tolerance now too , gotta wean off them too)
scared im gonna never get clean . subs used to work great but not after getting to point where i can sniff bundle of H a day.............least i can get thru a day on is 4-5 bags if theyre decent camden or philly bags.............this sucks , plus i crashed my car for 2nd time nodding...........and family doesnt wanna see me . somehow i got A and B in classes for summer but even at my job in a kitchen they see me nodding off and i cant even wake up in morning to get to work on time. sleep right thru alarm................ive tried N.a. and didnt work this time............i cant go away to rehab because i am signed up for school and my family only knows i had a pill problem and if they knew it was diesel again theyd cut me off financially , (they pay my rent, car insurance etc.........) they say after i get a degree in december im on my own money wise anyway so im so stuck....................
any advice? i got 1 and a half subs left, about 35 klonopin , and a few bags of D to make it thru tmrw.............friday ill get my money for the week and know i wanna cop. Its tuesday night now.........
 
Hmm...

Try using the Klono's alone for the next two days (until Friday). I know you have a tolerance from hell with Benzo's but you should be able to keep the roughest w/d's @ bay with the Klono's.

Last thing you are going to want to do is pop a Sub on Thursday since when/if you cop on Friday, it'll be worthless until the Sub has weakened tremendously.

If the Klono's just won't cut it alone, pop the half now (if needed) along w/a few of the Klono's and just get some sleep. Best way to pass the hours.

Best bet - try and keep your H for the last minute...Thursday night or so. With what you have, you SHOULD be able to do it. You can take the last whole Sub tomorrow if needed without potentially messing with your high on Friday.

Good luck,
R*B
 
The switch back to suboxone after you've been using quite a bit can be a bit awkward. While you may not be physically sick, you could still get cravings and just feel off. Usually takes a few days of being on sub before I feel adjusted to it again.
 
Man thats a pretty decent habit you have. I too was on H and tried many times and many ways to kick. I've tried tapperin, cold turkey, subs, benzos, herb, alcohol, whatever really. I've been clean for seven months now and everyday it gets a little better. I still long for the warm soothing sensation of a truly good opiate high but at this point in my life if I fuck up again I got nothing and no one. Some say you have to hit rock bottom before you truly get better. I don't really believe that but it does take some eye opening.

You sound like you truly want to quit. You can see the end is near and caring on this way is going to leave you with nothing more than the clothes on your back. The best I can say is be careful with the benzos my Psych put me on 4mg/ Kolonpin, 2mg/ Xanax, Lexapro, Ambien the whole bit to help with my wds and depression. In the end that shit messed with me worse and was way harder to quit then Dope. I usually use a lot of Benedryl when Im kicking too seems to take away the cold sweats and will help you sleep. Try to do what Receptor said and make Friday the last time you cop if thats what you truly want.

I was also in school tryin to maintain a dope habit and it got to the point where I was leaving classes, sometimes twice in a two hour lecture, just to shoot up, I was a honor roll student before and most of the time during my using but towards the end I just cared about the dope more than my future. Anyways hope you the best man if you ever wanna talk to someone hit me up on PM or something. Until then stay safe and keep your head up your not alone in this.
 
How long does it take you to blow your check? I ask cause when I was working and on dope I'd get my check every friday and would be broke by saturday the next day...I only made about $100 a week but still all my money poof gone and had to be sick until next friday, using subs, or scheming to get more money or dope...
 
Damn Jake I thought you had a good number of subs to taper with? Anyway IMO the only way you are gfetting clean is a proffesional detox your habit is just too far outta control to be managed at home. Good luck dude eventually your gonna pay the piper on for this habit ang its not gonna be a fun ride.
 
You're mistaking benzo withdrawal for heroin withdrawal. You need to have enough patience to allow Suboxone to work for you, and you need to stop using heroin. Don't use heroin to compensate for benzo withdrawals.

Don't spend money that you've set aside for other things on heroin. That's the worst decision of all.

Oh, finally, don't drive when you're under the influence of heroin or benzos. If you've already had a car accident from driving on heroin once, you should know better than to do it again.

Either you're going to continue to let this drug control the rest of your life, or you'll eventually find out that you can enjoy life without nodding out through the whole thing.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Don't spend money that you've set aside for other things on heroin. That's the worst decision of all.
Click to expand...

One thing saying it, but doing it, in the grips of heroin addiction, is near impossible. Well for me anyway.

Whenever I got any money it was all on heroin. After losing my job and selling all my things, I would shoplift and pawn things every day to get my fix.

Jake - It takes 2 or 3 days to get adjusted to Sub. Get some more and this time stick at it, knowing that in 2 or 3 days it will start holding you properly.
 
jake99 said:
i had gotten myself a couple subs since im tired of being hooked on d and cant afford it anymore. took about 4 mg this morning , went to work , and by time work was over was in so much pain drove all the way to the hood to cop (hour each way) spending money i need for health insurance
i dont get it , maybe if i took more sub i wouldntve felt like i needed to use . i am just so weak when it comes to dopesicknes.
and i had about 5 klonopins with the sub and sitll was sick (got a huge benzo tolerance now too , gotta wean off them too)
scared im gonna never get clean . subs used to work great but not after getting to point where i can sniff bundle of H a day.............least i can get thru a day on is 4-5 bags if theyre decent camden or philly bags.............this sucks , plus i crashed my car for 2nd time nodding...........and family doesnt wanna see me . somehow i got A and B in classes for summer but even at my job in a kitchen they see me nodding off and i cant even wake up in morning to get to work on time. sleep right thru alarm................ive tried N.a. and didnt work this time............i cant go away to rehab because i am signed up for school and my family only knows i had a pill problem and if they knew it was diesel again theyd cut me off financially , (they pay my rent, car insurance etc.........) they say after i get a degree in december im on my own money wise anyway so im so stuck....................
any advice? i got 1 and a half subs left, about 35 klonopin , and a few bags of D to make it thru tmrw.............friday ill get my money for the week and know i wanna cop. Its tuesday night now.........
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear a brother feeling this bad...maybe half a sub just aint good enuff?



<nope - OverDone>
 
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Georgie25 said:
How long does it take you to blow your check? I ask cause when I was working and on dope I'd get my check every friday and would be broke by saturday the next day...I only made about $100 a week but still all my money poof gone and had to be sick until next friday, using subs, or scheming to get more money or dope...
Click to expand...

This is actually a really smart post.

I'm not sure how much money Jake is making, but even if hes making more than a $100 a week its usually the same thing.
Get your money friday, blow it all in 2-3 days max, then be back withdrawing on monday/tuesday and scheming to get more drugs when you know damn well you're gonna be suffering half of every week anyway cause you never have enough money in the first place.

It really paints a more objective picture I think of how the process goes, but the sad fact of reality is that addicts are just as addicted to the swings of feeling sickness/high as they are to the drugs. So I imagine even if Jake doesn't realize it its actually the entire process that keep drawing him in, not just the dope.
In a sadistic kind of way it just makes life "exciting", that is untill your ODin in your car going 75mph on the parkway. Next time he might not be so lucky and just "nod out", next time who knows what will happen.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You're mistaking benzo withdrawal for heroin withdrawal. You need to have enough patience to allow Suboxone to work for you, and you need to stop using heroin. Don't use heroin to compensate for benzo withdrawals.

Don't spend money that you've set aside for other things on heroin. That's the worst decision of all.

Oh, finally, don't drive when you're under the influence of heroin or benzos. If you've already had a car accident from driving on heroin once, you should know better than to do it again.

Either you're going to continue to let this drug control the rest of your life, or you'll eventually find out that you can enjoy life without nodding out through the whole thing.
Click to expand...

And Captain H voiced exactly what I was thinking when I saw Jake write he was so sick after work he had to go cop again.

BRO, if you took a sub in the morning and were able to work, theres no way in hell you were that sick from the sub getting off of work. How much dope are you doing that 4mg doesn't hold you? Its not what a dr would prescribe but it still should work for the amounts of diesel your doing.

Captain H said he thinks it was the benzos you were wding from, but I'm still skeptacle about that.
I don't think your mistaking benzo wds for opiates wds, I think you are MISTAKING WDS FOR NOT BEING HIGH.

Thats an odd sentence to decipher I know. I mean I think what happens in your brain is the second a high starts to fade (which for sub would just get you through a days work) you becoming panicky JUST BY the decrease in the high.
And you trip yourself out to the point where you think wds are happening, when really the high is just going away.

But from the timeslines of your drug use, not just in this thread but in others, you seem to always redose the second the high goes away. It makes me question what kind of "wds" you are actually going through. Your problem is exactly as you said, you have no will power. And thats because you keep fantasizing about getting off drugs vs just stopping them. When you fantasize for anytime at length your subconsiously tell your ID "I am not capable of stopping drugs, because I always must fantasize about doing it".

The MORE you fantasize about stopping drugs, the more you're going to lose motivation to actually do it. I'm telling you this is how our minds work. Its the same thing with women.
You fantasize about fucking an 11 but in reality your mind KNOWS you are fantasizing cause you CAN'T HAVE IT.

NEVER fantasize about recovery. You either do it or you don't. Thats my best advice to you right now. We still gotta talk on the phone but my brother is home today, ttyl tonight if all goes well.
 
Yeah, interesting point about the check blowing, and also about school I surmise that you cleaned up and got your life somewhat together awhile, getting your job and enrolling in school as a kick start to the self improving positive direction of your new life. You eventually got bored/depressed, started to chip, and now you are right back at the bottom of your disease's progression and trying to balance that with the trappings of your 'recovery' (school, job, etc...) Been down that path many times in many ways myself, kind of there right now in fact, if you read the other thread I wrote. Regarding the check blowing, God that sucks doesn't it, to only be guaranteed happiness one of two days out of the week, the rest of the time bumming cigarettes at work and skipping lunch cause you blew all yer money down to your couch change. Have you noticed when you are clean and can accumulate money again, life seems missing something vital (the thought is like what is the point of having all this money when there is nothing as good as 'x' to spend it on?) but when you are strung out and broke, life gains that semblance of vitality but only falsely and negatively through the excited desperation that comes from actions like blowing a whole paycheck on sensations and all the drama which that entails for us. Gook luck, Jake.
 
I recommend seeing a Psychiatrist, be honest and he'll put you on some sort of maintenance. I see that solving a majority of your financial issues and you wouldn't have to take a risk copping because it would be a script in your name.
 
That's spot on. Change is uncomfortable, even though it would be for the better, the misery is too familiar now. Sub will never work unless there is a complete desire to stop the cycle. Like several people have already said,it takes several days, and even a week plus to get stable on sub let alone there isn't enough time passing in between the last hit of H and starting sub.Doing the same thing, with the same results is guaranteed to lead to exactly what Bo just mentioned, it may not be an OD, but it will likely end up in an accident that has serious if not fatal consequences. Take the money that's being spent on dope and use it for a new sub Dr and get on a dose that actually stops the cravings, or go to detox. Who gives a shyt about getting cut off, what good will the money be if your dead.
 
I hate to say this Jake, but I believe you're going to spend your entire life on drugs. Particularly heroin.

You've been somewhat of a unique poster on Bluelight. A lot of people follow your situation. It's obvious because of the amount of responses your threads tend to generate. A lot of people care, and want to see you with your life together, the very thing you speak about.

Every possible way to get yourself clean, or maintained has been discussed, extensively. You either have no interest in the persons idea, or you tend to have a reason (or excuse) why it won't work for you. You might be tired of the life, but you're far from ready to give it up.


I'm not going to tell you "take 1mg of sub today, .5 tomorrow, ect.". You aren't ready for all that. And I hope one of these day's you'll see that.

Anyhoo I hate being blunt about stuff like this, but you need to see it for what it really is I guess. Take care of yourself.
 
I haven't actually been following your posts in detail, but I've read enough thread titles and enough of your individual posts to know that you're not really ready to quit yet. I do think you want to, but you're not quite at "rock bottom," as much as I hate to use that term.

I'm sure this option has been thrown around, but how do you feel about the clinic? It seems like you still really need to feel opiated and methadone will do that. But it will also afford you the peace of mind and the regular schedule that will allow you to clear your head from all the mathematics that go on when you're trying to get through each week. And it will put one addiction at bay so that you can focus on the benzo addiction by itself.

You sound like you're swimming in a very rough ocean, just trying to keep yourself afloat. In that situation, I think rehab is best because you're just overwhelmed with everything you have to deal with and everything you have to worry about. But if you want one other option before rehab, the clinic (or a private doc who prescribes) could be an answer.

I really feel for you and I just hope it doesn't take getting arrested or getting into a bad car accident to force you into a situation where you have to address your double addiction in less than ideal conditions.

** And, yes, methadone is a difficult drug. Yes, it's a bitch to get off of. I'm familiar with all the negatives. But at this point, you've been playing with fire for a while and it's getting worse. If 'done can help you slow this ship down and regain some control, I say it could be a good choice.

Just some thoughts. Wishing you the best, brother. I hope you can get a handle on this shit.
 
Why Jake can't get clean:

Because if he tells his parents they will cut him off "forever".
Because if he goes to a clinic he has to drop out of school.
Because he gets anxious when he tries to stop and always relapses (well its not a "relapse" till you actually stop first)
Because he's on a million and 1 different drugs at once, and has no idea where to start

Because this list would never end if I actually had the time.

Because telling yourself and telling others you want to stop, doesn't mean you actually can or will.

This is one topic I can say has been beaten to death, buried, resurrected, and killed again countless times.

Jake, why can't you seriously use that logic in your head that I know you have? Is it the dope fogging your brain up? The benzos? Or the dope, sub and benzos all together? Which one is it?

If I did a search on all your posted threads, I would probably find about 25-30 threads based on this same exact topic.

How many more threads do you have left in you?
Not that these threads annoy me, cause they don't. What annoys me is watching you do this to yourself. I have a right to be annoyed by that, and so does EVERY OTHER SINGLE PERSON on this forum.

You keep talking about "other things" that will go wrong if you quit using drugs. But EVERYTHING is going wrong RIGHT NOW already, so really... whats you REAL excuse?

Maybe you accidentally tricked yourself somehow and thinking you wanna quit? Do you know what it feels like to actually WANT SOMETHING anymore? I don't think you do. Its possible you want this, but I think you are so numb to feelings you can even feel desire anymore.

That is a SERIOUS FUCKING PROBLEM.

You will NEVER get yourself into rehab/detox/clinic by YOURSELF.

Someone recommended to see a psychiatrist/psychologist and I will tell you straight up *100%* what EVERY single one of them will say to you right now. They are all trained to say the same exact thing in your situation.

You CAN NOT get yourself clean. You NEED to go to detox.

Not a single doctor will tell you "I think you can get yourself clean" because they know they are just endangering you further.
A doctor MIGHT condone something like that if your life even somewhat resembled you being a functional person.

And the ONLY thing, THE ONLY THING that is still "working" in your life is school. But that is NO EXCUSE for you to keep going on trying by yourself. Your life is NOT "together". In order for you to have any chance of getting yourself clean the rest of your life has to be somewhat in order. Your MIND has to be SOMEWHAT in order.
Your mind is NOT in order.

You are 1 million light years beyond the point where anyone could get themselves clean. And not to mention, but your addiction is getting SO MUCH WORSE.

You went from being on a semi low dose of sub and wanting to taper, to using all your sub, stopping the sub program, starting benzos, abusing benzos, and copping dope again.

Does it seem like things are getting better to you? Seriously? WHY in the world do you still think you can get yourself clean BY YOURSELF?

You don't wanna get high anymore cause if you're going back and forth between dope and sub you're not really getting high, and that doesn't even include what kind of tolerance you have right now.
People who wanna get high try to take breaks inbetween their doses or take a day off just to feel what it feels like to be high. You are ALWAYS trying to take as much as money can possibly afford.

You wanna know what else a psychologist will tell you? (I'm studying to do therapy myself)

That would say that at this point in your life your death instinct is beating your surival instinct. You ARE trying to commit suicide right now.
I don't see your behavoir as anything but.

And please DO NOT get mad at me you are the one who posted this thread, I am your friend, and I am just TELLING YOU the truth.

Your ONLY CHANCE of getting clean in the predicament you are in right now is 2 things.

An involuntary trip to rehab from a drug charge, or an involuntary trip to prison with a drug charge.
OR, your parents find out, drive your ass to rehab, and what you were trying to avoid is GOING TO HAPPEN anyway.

Who in this thread is REALLY going to say and believe "Jake you can do this yourself"? Not a single person on this entire forum. Ok let me reframe that, not a single person on this forum who KNOWS YOU.

You have a 3rd opportunity, which I still feel like is highly unlikely, but thats to voluntarily admit yourself into detox.
But I don't think you could do that unless you told your parents first, and you're not telling your parents "no matter what" so I can about 99% guarantee this story IS NOT going to end pretty.

USE YOUR LOGIC.
Its been OVER A YEAR this has been going on.
A miracle is not going to reveal itself. Don't rely on miracles to get clean cause that just means you wanna die.

You NEED to tell your parents. And if you're not willing to do that, you NEED to start preparing for where your life is about to turn. People think you need to hit "rock bottom"... OMG are you kidding me people?

Is he NOT at rock bottom right now? This is like thread #30 and they keep getting more and more severe by the thread. Hes been in 2 car accidents, lost multiple jobs, and will most likely lose the job he has now cause they are already complaining at work.

Then what? School? You don't think school can go wrong? Try studying in between copping in wds, just because you pulled it off a couple times before doesn't mean thats not gonna get worse too.

Its unfortunate for me to say, that right now you are the poster child for why not to abuse drugs. You might not be getting any better, but every single person who reads your thread prob is. Because you are scaring the living shit out of people with every next thread you make.

Now do you wanna respond to this post and say "yeh I guess.. I don't know"?
OF COURSE YOU DONT because you don't know anything right now. You don't know if you wanna quit, if you wanna use, if you wanna live a life and be a healthy person... or if you wanna die and just leave this world.

You don't know cause your brain is hijacked. GO TO DETOX. There is no other answer to this problem bro I'm sorry. But PLEASE GO TO DETOX.
If you are not going to go to detox, than what are you gonna do? Wait another week and post a thread about how you still can't stop? Do you think thats doing a single functional thing for your life right now?

Im trying to tell you what I think you need to hear the most. And what any psychologist in this world would tell you.
Doing this alone is simply not going to work, this is the 50 millionth time you are hearing this. If you insist on not listening, than theres nothing more we can do for you.

Whats sad is a few threads ago people were begining to explode on you cause they actually care for you. But its already beyond the point where people can get emotional about your situation anymore (at least for those who have been following it). Because our only choice is to be somewhat detached from what we know is going to happen to you.
And if you don't get your ass in detox soon, I'd really prefer not to know what happens.

I'm sorry, but that is 100% the iron clad truth.
 
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well lost job now . got in car accident. my girl left me. i have 3 subs but want to go on one last run before i get clean . actually i dont wanna live the life im living no more . N.a. ppl plead to me to go to rehab but im too scared to tell my dad ive been on D
 
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