Too young to be ruining my life so early

[2manyopiates]

I'm really at a crossroads here. Over the past few weeks my opiate addiction has become much more prevalant and Oxys are starting to have more and more avid effects on me.

I'm only 17 and i'm realizing that I have a problem that i'm struggling with, which is opiates. I have a beautiful family (Mother, grandparents, cousins, brother, new baby sister , etc) aside from my wanker of a father... I have a wonderful girlfriend, although we live miles away from eachother currently. But more recently I've been blowing off phone calls/texting with my girlfriend just to sit around and enjoy my oxy buzz, or run out and drive around in search for drugs. It's pathetic i'm living my life and spending my summer this way.

I've always enjoyed opiates, I even used to bang them RECREATIONALLY and OCCASSIONALLY with a good mate of mine (was always sterile). But the addiction with that never came, not for me at least. It was a powerful rush but so short-lived and also a lot of work to inject. Currently i'm addicted to another RoA... snorting them. I spend my whole pay check on them in a matter of 3-4 days (i make about 140$ a week). My bank account I have been working on since I was little is empty... i've pawned off tvs, my psp, my guitar... shit, i'd sell my ipod/xbox 360 if i didn't have a profuse love of music and video games and i didn't have the intelligence to understand that spending all my $ on oxys is $ i'll never see again, and a high that'll only be felt for 3-4 hours...

I just don't know what to do. I know i'm ranting, i'm just hoping someone will listen. I don't know who to talk about this too, because well... recently all my good friends seem to be doing them as well. It's getting depressing. I've always felt like theres been a void inside of me, and I feel like the Oxy high fills that. I just want something else to fill that, not something that is having such adverse effects on my mind and body. I'm fucking ruining myself at such a young age. I honestly hate myself. I don't deserve the blessings that i've been given, I don't appreciate them enough and that sickens me. I have a new baby sister, and the day she was born I had a needle in my hand... (At my mates I spoke about earlier). How sickening is that? What if she found out I celebrated her birth with a morphine rush? What if I die and she has to grow up knowing her brother was a junkie fuck who cared about oxys more than her (i don't, she's a beautiful little girl and i love her to death. this is part of the reason i wanna get better)

I'm just scared of getting better. Scared of living a real sober-free life like it should be. I miss just being able to hang out with my mates and smoke a blunt. Now when I visit my hometown we have to inject something into our arms or put loads of powder up our noses.

I think i've bit off more than I could chew, guys.

 

[Moguta]

All the thoughts about hating that all your friends are doing what you do and hating yourself and your life for it are the exact same thoughts I have only I haven't been hooked on opiates - A big stepping stone to habitual drug use is being involved in circles of friends who all do it so it's ok and normal I think. It's what happened with my group of friends and it fucking sucks.

Really the struggle is finding something you're passionate about and trying to find a group of friends that don't all get on X drug for kicks... I'm currently trying to break out of a similar circle back into my old group of friends who I dropped for the club/drug scene and it's fucking hard but the longer you leave it the harder it gets... Just take small steps and set goals I guess and it all falls into place in time.

It's so much easier to say than do I know but you know that there's other people fighting similar battles all over the place all wanting some form of support and reassurance that there's a light at the end of the tunnel y'know? The fucked thing is when you start to leave it you see the friends that you love still in it. Shit's so unfair sometimes.

 

[2manyopiates]

All the thoughts about hating that all your friends are doing what you do and hating yourself and your life for it are the exact same thoughts I have only I haven't been hooked on opiates - A big stepping stone to habitual drug use is being involved in circles of friends who all do it so it's ok and normal I think. It's what happened with my group of friends and it fucking sucks.

Really the struggle is finding something you're passionate about and trying to find a group of friends that don't all get on X drug for kicks... I'm currently trying to break out of a similar circle back into my old group of friends who I dropped for the club/drug scene and it's fucking hard but the longer you leave it the harder it gets... Just take small steps and set goals I guess and it all falls into place in time.

It's so much easier to say than do I know but you know that there's other people fighting similar battles all over the place all wanting some form of support and reassurance that there's a light at the end of the tunnel y'know? The fucked thing is when you start to leave it you see the friends that you love still in it. Shit's so unfair sometimes.

Thanks for the response, and what you say has massive amounts of truth in it. I hate seeing my friends use, because, wel.. I'm more than sure that they have to put up with the same amount of negative side effects as I do myself. I have a small circle of friends that I love dearly, and we all actually STARTED using opiates together. One of my buddies is off them, which is awesome. My other one is in deeper than I am, which isn't. This addiction is just so hard. I feel like i'm making excuses, but it really is hard. This is the most serious situation i've ever had to conquer in my entire existence.

 

[yoyolove88]

Quit while your ahead man. I was exactly where you are at your age and it doesn't get easier. I know it's tough when you have a group of friends who do it. I regret the decisions I made so much not because of how they effected me but because of how they effected my friends. At the same time if these are guys who you've chilled with most of your life I'm sure they'll understand if you make it clear that your trying to quit. If they can't respect that and not use around you/offer you it then they aren't really friends.

How long have you been using? do you use daily? what's your tolerance like? You might want to consider sub, you have a job so you can afford it and it's a hell of a lot cheaper than oxy. Just realize that you can't change what you've already done, but you can change your future and you can make your life different. Learn from this experience and dig yourself out before you get any deeper. I dealt with the same shit with blowing off my girl and treating her poorly and I absolutely hate myself for it, but the only thing you can do now is try to make it better. You've already taken the first step of coming here and admitting you've got a problem, now think proactively and figure out how to fix it. I'm 22 and I started using oxy at 17 and just like you I've blown through my entire savings of about 30 grand. I have nothing to show for it except track marks and fucked up relationships. Think about yourself, your girl, your family and do right for you and them. fuck the dumb shit.

 

[sam123]

Please quit while your ahead, if you don't odds are your gonna be banging all your OCs and eventualy heroin since it's cheaper.

I know this will sound stupid to you and it might be one of the hardest things you ever do but tell your family you nee help unless your able to stop soon, the longer u go te worst it gets. Trust me, I was in the same spot you are in 17 living with a great family but I was shooting up like 10 grams of blow a week. Differen drugs but same situation. You need the support to quit. I'm 20 and my family had to have an intervention on me after a good homie told em I had a problem. So I know what it's like to tell your family that kinda shit especially when it's a family who cares alot about you. But trust me you'll be happy in the end if u get there help and quit now before u step it up to the next level of addction and they gotta have ab intervetion on you lol...

 

[Moguta]

My advantage was that my mum's always known what I get up to (to a certain extent) so telling her I had a problem was easy... But yeah man tell your folks they'll be the best help and support you can imagine once they get over the shock of it...

 

[Carl Landrover]

The longer you continue the harder it is to get off.

I wasn't as young as you when I started. I was 19 when I first started really abusing opiates (oxy and then heroin) and using daily. Shit really hit the fan after using daily and fairly heavily for around 6 months not too long after turning 20. Was able to get clean for a little while, but I didn't change my social surroundings and my basic lifestyle and habits enough. Slowly slipped back in after a while. Opiates can be deceiving like that.

Not sure if you've read any of my posts lately, but I'm still trying to get off of opiates, except I'm now 24. Same basic problems as back then. However, instead of having a year or two of using working against me, I now have more than 5 years of using working against me. Instead of being down a few thousand dollars I'm actually down.....well I'm not even going to throw out a figure because I start to get dizzy thinking about it. Enough to have a completely different life right now that's for sure.

I was also arrested for the first time (possession - oxy) about 6 weeks ago. Over 7 years of drug deals and/or being in possession it was bound to happen eventually.


From my experience, with the path you're on you will be severely limiting your life opportunities/experiences over the next few years if you continue using. There's not many good roads to go down if you continue to use. Tolerance doesn't disappear, if it does it's only temporary.

 

[Seanjay]

Hey bro,

I'm 18 and from NYC and I've been banging dope daily since December of 2009. I have also been using opiates for a couple of years. I know of this void you speak of.

It seems like we all have this void which needs to be filled, whether it's with cutting, eating disorders, drugs, or all of the above - we have a compulsion to feel good. I went to detox a few months ago and stood clean with outpatient rehab and suboxone maintenance but when my script ran out I was right back.

I'm a firm believer of cold turkey.

I barely managed to graduate high school and get into the college I wanted to. I am at my college at the moment and it's seven hours from NYC in a small suburban town. I have been clean for for two weeks so far.


Honestly, by having this time totally sober and off meds I've come to realizations.

YES: Life can be good. YES my void can be filled without inflicting harm upon myself, through exercise, music, and hobbies. I play guitar and focus on my studies. Using dope makes one reclusive towards people who don't use, and then you get this psychological thing where you feel that they're better than you - you wonder how are they so happy and wish you could be so carefree. Well after being clean for a few days I am reaping benefits. My activeness has increased, I feel good and things that had no value to me are becoming attracting once again.

www.howtoquitheroin.com GREAT HELP as well. The creator is such a nice guy, he'll chat with you via email and support you too.

If you ever wanna chat with someone ( I know how difficult it is to find users your own age) who you think may be more familiar with your situation then hit me up on aim *BlindAnachronism*.

I'd write more but I'm on a time constraint. Peace :]

EDIT: Build your relationship with your family if it isn't the best. My mother passed away due to cancer and my fathers health is deteriorating. Having them on your side can be a big aid in stopping, I can now think about how I would disappoint my loved ones if I messed up - being the first one to go to college in my family is a huge step towards transcending the lifestyle I live as well my family.

 

[Dr.Genome]

Go to a good doctor ASAP and ask to be put on a Suboxone (buprenorphine) program.

 

[aaiilyzii]

awe, i know what you're feeling. I shot heroin for 2yrs, i lost everyone close to me, got 2 felonies, arrest records, feeling like you have nothing left and no fight in you anymore...it took me a long long time before i finally quit doing everything...what helped me quit was just getting all the bad out of your life, one day at a time... change your number, don't give it out to anyone that still uses, ignore the calls you do possibly get from your dealers, tell them you're trying to stay clean, and don't go into mass detail, its none of their business, you won't be taking them money anymore so im sure they will stop calling sooner or later, take a trip...just someone outta town even, for a few days if you're able to do that, try going & visiting your g/f? catch up with those you haven't been as close with, get some suboxones prescribed to you if you can, and at least you're able to still realize what good you have going for you, you mentioned your family...my dad was an asshole too, but my grandma held the family together, my mom didn't put up with the b.s but i think that helped me down the road to stay clean. Once you start living your life sober again, you'll remember who you were before the crappyness took over, i didn't think it was possible, but it was so strange how quickly i got back into being ME, and doing what i loved and protecting myself above anyone else, because you have to be your own best friend right now, its hard, you'll have a lot of moments where you're really really confused & it won't be easy, but its very very possible, and your life will become sooooo much better!! i probably sound unrealistic but im coming to you straight up...you can do it, for sure* just stick to it & don't let ANYONE, tell you diff - be strong for you, for your family, your g/f, your future... you don't wanna end up in prison, dead or stuck acquiring everyone & everything back into your life- do it before its too late darling much love always & im always here if you everrrr need anyone

 

[PendulumAM]

the best way to stop doing opiates is to completely take yourself away from them. go somewhere where you don't have any contacts and where you wont be able to obtain them. this was the only way I quit 6 month IV heroin habit. if I hadn't gone back home from college for summer break, I would have kept doing it until god knows what. even when you really want to quit, the physical withdrawals drag you back, and even if you can curb those (I used suboxene), the mental withdrawals (feeling bored and pointless and constantly craving) will bring you back to opiates. being forced not to do anything really helps. eventually the mental withdrawals subside until you barely remember how the rush felt, and you don't need it anymore to be happy. you start finding happiness in regular everyday activities again. exercise is very important too, but do something you actually like (I started swimming a lot) because you wont want to run everyday if you hate running. if you need to talk more then PM me, I know what you are going through.

 

[2manyopiates]

I'd like to take this time to personally thank everybody who posted support & advise.

I'm doing much better now, although i'm still struggling.

Appreciate the support, sorry for bumping an old thread i've just been attempting to take in and utilize the things BL has been preaching.

Much love, still alive.

` Eli

 

[Legerity]

Hey...there's no need to put layer upon layer of guilt about being such a terrible selfish person, etc. You're not a bad person, you are just making choices that are no longer in line with the person you want to be. It's not an issue of morality - it makes no difference to your little sister right now whether you were shooting up or whacking off on the day she was born.

Think about how your actions are affecting YOU and what the next step is that you want to take. There are lots of support groups or hot lines that you can get in touch with to have somebody to speak to. You can tell your family about your problem and decide to go to rehab, they might be very supportive. Or maybe you can just stop like that on your own. Even though it's scary nothing will change unless you make it happen.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

the best way to stop doing opiates is to completely take yourself away from them. go somewhere where you don't have any contacts and where you wont be able to obtain them. this was the only way I quit 6 month IV heroin habit. if I hadn't gone back home from college for summer break, I would have kept doing it until god knows what. even when you really want to quit, the physical withdrawals drag you back, and even if you can curb those (I used suboxene), the mental withdrawals (feeling bored and pointless and constantly craving) will bring you back to opiates. being forced not to do anything really helps. eventually the mental withdrawals subside until you barely remember how the rush felt, and you don't need it anymore to be happy. you start finding happiness in regular everyday activities again. exercise is very important too, but do something you actually like (I started swimming a lot) because you wont want to run everyday if you hate running. if you need to talk more then PM me, I know what you are going through.

This is good advice; there is a huge environmental component to drug addiction. Environmental tolerance and environmental cues are a huge reason why people relapse, and why it can be so much easier to quit when these cues aren't triggering you.

Congratulations on quitting by the way PendulumAM! I have also successfully been clean from heroin (for the last 22 months and 1 week now), it is so good to know that you're no longer dependent on it. :D