psychoblast
Bluelighter
It was about 13 years ago I really hopped onto the recreational drug train. I thought I was being smart about it. I read about risks and how to moderate them on sites like this one, or Erowid, or other places. I took supplements and vitamins and stuff like that. For a while I had friends calling me the "doctor" because I'd lay out a time frame and healthy pills and stuff we needed to take to stay healthy (or as healthy as possible). I tested my pills, or better found pure powder.
Anyway, even spacing out rolls a month or so apart, the magic was gone within 2 years. I and my mates got to a point when we thought, "Geez, is being etardedly happy for a night worth writing off the next few days, not being productive with our lives, feeling ate up?" And more and more, the answer was no.
But that's not the problem. The problem was me looking for drugs that did not leave me feeling "ate up," drugs that seemed more holistic, friendly, natural, organic, etc. Yes, psychedelics, and sometimes disassociatives. I played with them and thought the good ones were every bit as good as ecstasy without the downside. But then I discovered the downside. Or a downside (there may be others).
See, in life we mature as we age, mentally and emotionally and physically. You can sort of imagine your life as a path you are walking and sometimes you look back, maybe five years later, maybe a decade later, maybe three decades later. You look back and want to assess where you are compared to where you were, to use different ideas of "who am I" at different points in time to triangulate a more accurate picture of yourself. In short, you look back, reflect, and seek to know yourself better.
The sober mind free from psychological trauma can readily see itself, see its journey, and seeing that journey behind you, you can then get a strong sense which way you are headed and move confidently.
I think psychological traumas create blurred areas where we are willfully blind and cannot see all that clearly. That makes it hard to know your path, to progress with confidence, to mature in a natural and healthy way. Because this reflection to confirm our direction is part of how we feel confident and content with our life's path.
I've found that years as a psychonaut have done something similar to such trauma. When I reflect, I see a path that is clouded with hazy daze, indescribable "peak" experiences, frequent epiphones, and frequent, radical shifting ideas on what matters in life. I look back and see a path so convoluted, I really don't know where I'm headed. I feel adrift from my past, unrooted.
I think some dabbling in mind-altering experiences can have value, in terms of gaining greater perspective on life and spirituality and humanity and oneself. Everything, really. But moderation and infrequency is critical. A significant psychedelic experience, whether good or bad, can be a game-changer in terms of your priorities and values and ideas about life. If you keep changing the game, mid-game, then it seems like you keep starting anew, without foundation, and that is not all that pleasant a place to be.
I have also found that my past personalities somewhat jealously guard my memories. In other words, the more I am like the person I was when an event happened, the easier it is to recall. The more I have shifted from being that person, the harder it is to access those memories. I think one day psychological research may bear out this notion that humans have a harder time recalling memories from times when they had very different values, ways of viewing the world. If all of that is to esoteric, then let me simplify it: The more you change, and more frequently you change, in life, the harder time you will have maintaining cohesive memories of earlier days. This is just a feeling or hunch, anecdotal and unproven, but it seems to make sense to me that it would work this way. Change is not the enemy, but we were not organically meant to change so frequently and significantly as what can happen if you dive into frequent recreational psychedelic usage.
Or that's just my thoughts.
20 years ago, I thought I'd be an avid rock climber, hiker, river rafter, in my adulthood. Yet I've done none of it, allowing myself to be distracted by personal insecurities and failings, and using drug experiences to try to balance the scale by creating experiences that would make up for my lack of follow through on the real world adventures. Ultimately, having experienced some of the highest highs drugs can offer, I feel regret for what I traded away, for my lack of a firm foundation for the person I am now. There is some kind of Bible parable about building a house on sand versus rock, and about how crucial a solid foundation is for a house that will not fall. I think each major drug experience is a kind of shift, and the more shifts you have, the less stable your foundation. You may not care or understand how that matters now, but you might 20 years from now when you are growing older and still wondering "Who am I?" or "Why do I always feel unsettled?"
I think distant ancestors, tribal peoples, had some sense of this, and limited strong mind-altering experiences to a few times in life, and I think that makes sense. I think respecting these experiences as shamanic, and to be done infrequently, is best.
Of course, I'm not talking about pot or coke or even ecstasy, really. The first time rolling is an awakening, but after that it is all just emotional masturbation, purely recreational, I don't think it really changes you. Maybe all drugs are like that. When new, they awaken something in you, but repeated use becomes counterproductive.
Is my story unique, or will anyone else relate to it? I don't know. I guess we may see, from the replies (if any).
Namaste,
~psychoblast~
Anyway, even spacing out rolls a month or so apart, the magic was gone within 2 years. I and my mates got to a point when we thought, "Geez, is being etardedly happy for a night worth writing off the next few days, not being productive with our lives, feeling ate up?" And more and more, the answer was no.
But that's not the problem. The problem was me looking for drugs that did not leave me feeling "ate up," drugs that seemed more holistic, friendly, natural, organic, etc. Yes, psychedelics, and sometimes disassociatives. I played with them and thought the good ones were every bit as good as ecstasy without the downside. But then I discovered the downside. Or a downside (there may be others).
See, in life we mature as we age, mentally and emotionally and physically. You can sort of imagine your life as a path you are walking and sometimes you look back, maybe five years later, maybe a decade later, maybe three decades later. You look back and want to assess where you are compared to where you were, to use different ideas of "who am I" at different points in time to triangulate a more accurate picture of yourself. In short, you look back, reflect, and seek to know yourself better.
The sober mind free from psychological trauma can readily see itself, see its journey, and seeing that journey behind you, you can then get a strong sense which way you are headed and move confidently.
I think psychological traumas create blurred areas where we are willfully blind and cannot see all that clearly. That makes it hard to know your path, to progress with confidence, to mature in a natural and healthy way. Because this reflection to confirm our direction is part of how we feel confident and content with our life's path.
I've found that years as a psychonaut have done something similar to such trauma. When I reflect, I see a path that is clouded with hazy daze, indescribable "peak" experiences, frequent epiphones, and frequent, radical shifting ideas on what matters in life. I look back and see a path so convoluted, I really don't know where I'm headed. I feel adrift from my past, unrooted.
I think some dabbling in mind-altering experiences can have value, in terms of gaining greater perspective on life and spirituality and humanity and oneself. Everything, really. But moderation and infrequency is critical. A significant psychedelic experience, whether good or bad, can be a game-changer in terms of your priorities and values and ideas about life. If you keep changing the game, mid-game, then it seems like you keep starting anew, without foundation, and that is not all that pleasant a place to be.
I have also found that my past personalities somewhat jealously guard my memories. In other words, the more I am like the person I was when an event happened, the easier it is to recall. The more I have shifted from being that person, the harder it is to access those memories. I think one day psychological research may bear out this notion that humans have a harder time recalling memories from times when they had very different values, ways of viewing the world. If all of that is to esoteric, then let me simplify it: The more you change, and more frequently you change, in life, the harder time you will have maintaining cohesive memories of earlier days. This is just a feeling or hunch, anecdotal and unproven, but it seems to make sense to me that it would work this way. Change is not the enemy, but we were not organically meant to change so frequently and significantly as what can happen if you dive into frequent recreational psychedelic usage.
Or that's just my thoughts.
20 years ago, I thought I'd be an avid rock climber, hiker, river rafter, in my adulthood. Yet I've done none of it, allowing myself to be distracted by personal insecurities and failings, and using drug experiences to try to balance the scale by creating experiences that would make up for my lack of follow through on the real world adventures. Ultimately, having experienced some of the highest highs drugs can offer, I feel regret for what I traded away, for my lack of a firm foundation for the person I am now. There is some kind of Bible parable about building a house on sand versus rock, and about how crucial a solid foundation is for a house that will not fall. I think each major drug experience is a kind of shift, and the more shifts you have, the less stable your foundation. You may not care or understand how that matters now, but you might 20 years from now when you are growing older and still wondering "Who am I?" or "Why do I always feel unsettled?"
I think distant ancestors, tribal peoples, had some sense of this, and limited strong mind-altering experiences to a few times in life, and I think that makes sense. I think respecting these experiences as shamanic, and to be done infrequently, is best.
Of course, I'm not talking about pot or coke or even ecstasy, really. The first time rolling is an awakening, but after that it is all just emotional masturbation, purely recreational, I don't think it really changes you. Maybe all drugs are like that. When new, they awaken something in you, but repeated use becomes counterproductive.
Is my story unique, or will anyone else relate to it? I don't know. I guess we may see, from the replies (if any).
Namaste,
~psychoblast~
