Too fucking much to handle...

[Warped Reality]

I'm 19 years old... Been addicted to drugs since I was 13... I'm an ecstasy abuser, a low-life drug addict... But that's not all of my problems...

My parents divorced when I was 12, my father died of cancer when I was 14... My mother is a filthy whore who I could care less about... If anyone deserves to die more than myself, it's her.

I've been trying to stop using drugs for ages... I can't... The withdrawal symptoms are terrible. I constantly feel like I'm not here - the derealization part of the ecstasy withdrawals... It's driving me nuts. I would rather be dead than to live another day with that feeling... Oh my god the depression and anxiety is worse... Every step I take outside of my house makes me want to kill myself even more... I can't go five minutes without thinking how amazing it would be to just sleep forever... I wouldn't have to deal with anyone... anything... ever again.

I can't go a day without being high on something... my sober life just isn't right, I can't go a week without ecstasy because everything is just so bland compared to it... Life is perfect on ecstasy, nothing could ever go wrong... I want my life to be like that forever... Why can't anything be perfect for me?

Every night for the past two weeks I've been sitting in my room with a bottle of oxy's thinking of when I should finally do it, when should I finally be happy forever?

I've tried everything... anti-depressants, speaking to my doctor, going to those group meeting things, I've even tried locking myself in my room with nothing but a weeks supply of food and water and not leaving until the craving is gone, but nothing works...

 

[ferrita]

Bless your heart. 19 and so much weight on your shoulders. I feel for you. I really do.

You want your life to be perfect and when you are on ecstasy it seems to be. The problem with that is the come down. And the realization that your life and your problems and your feelings are still there. Right where you left em before you decided to roll. That feeling you get on e is not reality. Itts fake.

Most drug addicts have some sort of mental-emotional problems and drugs masks the ugly feelings. And it always starts out good. But it never ends up that way..........

I would hope you can go to a good friend or family member to talk about how you feel. If your dr or clounselors aren't listening. Fibd new ones! Many of us have went through a slew of counselors drs therapists till we ound the right one. The one that would listen. The one that found the right treatment for the pain of our lives.

Life is not easy its not fair and its not perfect. I wish it were. But its not. Life is what you make it. How you perceive it. How you participate in it.

You need to continue fighting the good fight. You are 19 and the whole world is in front of you. Its not gonna be easy learning to be comfortable in your own skin. To learn how life feels again. I don't know a lot about serotonin levels and such dopamine levls etc but I know e has a definite chemical reaction to the chemicals in the brain and a long break from it is probabaly in order.

Others more experienced about that then myself will surely chime in. In the meantime I wouls suggest that if you are truly feeling suicodal you call a hotline. Or a friend or family member or go to tje local emergency room.

Again you are so young and you have the whole world in front of you and I am sure so many people would be
truly and profoundly forever affected by your death. Please reconsider........

 

[n3ophy7e]

I've tried everything... anti-depressants, speaking to my doctor, going to those group meeting things, I've even tried locking myself in my room with nothing but a weeks supply of food and water and not leaving until the craving is gone, but nothing works...

Mate, you've been through a lot so it's no surprise that you're feeling depressed and that you can't cope. As ferrita said, the ecstacy high is NOT reality, you're just trying to chase that feeling so that you don't have to deal with your real thoughts and emotions. This is pretty understandable considering the difficult things you've experienced but you can't keep it up forever. Sooner or later you're going to need to really try and work through your problems.

It's really hard work sometimes, to actually do that, but it's so worth it in the end man, seriously.

You say that you've tried anti-depressants, how long were you on them for? And were you taking any ecstacy while you were on the meds? Which anti-depressants have you tried?

You also said you've tried going to meetings and talking to your doctor, and that's a great start. Have you had any long-term therapy/counselling? I think you would really benefit from that so it might be worth trying.

Meetings are great for maintaining your sober state-of-mind once you've initially dealt with your addiction but for the level of distress you're currently in I think one-on-one counselling would be more beneficial to you right now.

Keep us updated okay? You WILL get through this