too down for FB

.....i must be getting too damn sensitive for my own good wtf is wrong with me.....everything was OK ...well as OK as it can be right now and then i welcome a noob and suggest they could always use up their posts as i had once done by 'posting a load of crap'.....this was met with a rather rapid and i felt , particularly harsh reprimand off a senior moderator saying 'please DONT' and then refferenced to my 'behaviour' having gotten me infractions so don't go suggesting others 'play' the system...???....well i shall clear up right here quite honestly my 'behaviour' that got me an infraction ...i came on and daftly messaged another mod from a different subforum about drugs synthesis.....yep i hadn't read the rules...so would have deserved that infraction.....that was a point.....another mod had given more of a warning for my intro was littered with questions on drugs synthesis.....so that is how i got an infraction that will be in place till some time next year....it was not for shit posting...although admittedly i did start a thread for the sole purpose of using up the few remaining posts that i had....again i hadn't read the rules on that.....but that was never held against me...and i think it was more taken in humour as opposed to offence...i mean i wasn't littering anybody elses thread.....i had put in one of my posts warning people away from the thread.....but ....so.....yeah......that really got to me.....i felt it completely unnecessary to have brought something like that up on a noobs thread...wtf.....and the whole 'your behaviour has alreadfy gotten you infractions from other mods in subforums for that very same behaviour so don't tell people to do the same'......or words to that effect....i just had to post a quickie that it was unnnecessary to bring up the infraction what did it have to do with welcoming noobs and it was something that yes i deserved, yes i was ashamed, yes i had learnt but that behavior was private and not public....so thanks for that.......and then left...and it had me in tears and off to the dark side as i contemplated slicing my arm a few times with a craft knife......crying and looking at the time realising that it was nearly time for my kids to get home but still not being able to stop...eventually i did tho...and when they did walk thro the door they did not find anything amisss......but that affected me for the rest of the day and still upsets me now....but hey i made a new friend on the dark side!!

i posted a reply to somone in an equally desperate state as myself letting them know that they're not alone with how they feel......and someone had seen it and very kindly responded with real heartfelt kindness that i always try to show here but that i don't ever expect in return so it took me aback...so much so that it rendered me speechless and moved to tears....in a nice way.....i felt i'd better come off BL then as my daughter was in the same room and i did not want her to see my crying but i shall find that post today and thank that person for their show of kindness as it really made a difference......what i won't add is that it helped to counteract the daft cunt sr mod who reprimanded me like a naughty little kid pubicly shaming my so called behaviour when they didn't know what the fuck they were talking about

 

Hi. I hope you are feeling ok.

 

Hey thanks Save!!....i was having one of those hyper-sensitive and over indulgence in self pity ....which seem to be quite commonplace these days....however i did make a note of your Yoga technique you mentionned in your previous comment, with the intention of giving it a look at for a day when i wake up and decide to start my day off on a positive which i hope will be one day soon...Thanks again Save, it means alot...i hope you're feeling OK too m8

 

I usually have sex with noobs no chit chat.


Just tell em to get fucked, not worth being upset over dear

 

i feel just like you. youre not alone, not crazy, not wrong.
say what you feel, within posting limits of course, but say it! always
❤️
im noob too, like ten minutes noob. im sure i broke all the rules with my first post, edited like a dozen times....lol. feel free to have a read

 

https://www.bluelight.org/vb/entries/8482-too-down-for-FB

I randomly happened across your Screen Name / Profile when looking at a new BL Friend's Profile and Post History...Howsways.

When I first signed up for BL, I went thru a lot of the same shit - for the same basic reason...I didn't read the rules as I figured they were more self explanatory than they actually are. Once you figure out the main rules that are prone to effect you, everything will smooth out for you, it did for me and I'm terrible at socialization even when it's online in a thread. Bluelight.org is an amazing community of some of the most kind hearted, intelligent, narcotic enthusiasts of all types you could ever hope to meet. Find the places that make you smile and that you want to share your story and opinions in and make it into a home. You'll do just fine, I'm sure of it. Also a quick tip that was given to me... Your typing style reminds me a lot of my own, I consistently type 90+ WPM and didn't have the patience at first to acclimate myself to the expected format and presentation of longer posts and thoughts. Separate paragraphs before they get super long and turn into books, and use double spacing when separating your paragraphs. A lot more BL users will take the time to read and actually pay attention to your thoughts if you follow these standards. Hope that helps.

had to look up BPD real quick just to verify exactly what the disorder that you're dealing with is. Crazily enough, while it is a more rare and slightly harder to diagnose mental illness (do You FEEL Mentally Ill, or are the Doctors and Psychs just trying to convince You...?) I was diagnosed, finally... With Dissociative Identity Disorder back in August of 2018, and while it is a completely separate mental disorder from Borderline-Personality Disorder, they are relative to each other and quite often can be layered together with pieces of each individually representing themselves in different ways depending on the Individual. Having D.I.D. - Most of my life since an early teenager, I've daily lived with the constant feeling of being disconnected and out of touch with all other human beings in an around my life of any type. The only people I usually can get along with or that respect me equally, are either Addicts (Which is not always a positive if dealing with an Addiction is still a daily struggle at times for someone). The other type I vibe with are Intellectuals and Psychiatrists, people Philosophically inclined and overall very open minded and non-judgemental.

I've been diagnosed and tried medications for damn near any mental health issue or disorder that you can imagine. Bi-Polar Type 1 and 2. Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Schizo-effective Disorder, Schizophrenia at Age 20/21 (but I was never given an official diagnosis as the Doctor and Psych that I spoke with at the time both agreed that if I did have Schizophrenia, my day to day life and overall ability to function on any level would usually be much more Defined and Expressed as being the main issues perpetuating whatever the fuck was going on with me daily for years and years. Depression which eventually became Teatment Resistant Depression, Insomnia as well as other under sleeping/oversleeping cycles which vary depending on whether I'm feeling manic or a bit down. For Me, I find if I sleep more than 6 Hours per night, I feel out of it and like I over rested - 8 Hours the same, 5-6 hours, I wake up way smoother (I'm not a morning person) and suffer way less mentally throughout the day feeling much more calm and relaxed over all.

I also went thru a very dark and heavy Opiate Addiction myself, first to 4mg Hydromorphone (Dilaudid) and 30mg IR Morphine which I only sniffed. After 8 months of a steady supply, it got fucked up to find what I wanted and Vicodin and Oxycondone were never favorite Opiates of mine, on the contrary they always did very little for me when dealing with physical or emotional pain, I needed the high grade goods right away. From there I sought out a connect for Heroin, I was in a fucked place in my life and didn't care about any kind of warning or bad news vibes - I lived a sheltered life growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, controlled and isolated from my peers. I married my first real Girlfriend whom I met at 18/19 - we got married at 22/23 and then were divorced by 24. Even tho my parents are still married and I have 2 Younger sisters in their late 20's early 30's, due to our religious differences I have almost no contact with them and I'm not even allowed in their house...and that was before I was a Junkie and on some wild boosting and stealing 24/7 sketchy shit.

I spent 9 almost 10 years on Opiates 4 years of which I spent dependent on Buperenorphine (Subutex). I tried to quit so many fucking times and just could not get through the Depression or lack of Inspiration and Enjoyment in everyday life. Everything just seemed pointless. I've been clean for 3+ years now completely as of January 1st, 2019 and it's the happiest, most mellow, and optimistic and looking forward to the next day that I've ever been in my entire life. I think that for people with disorders like ours, using any compound or substance that works on your Mu Opiate Receptors as the main receptor that gives the compound or medication it's central mechanism of action. This category of compounds, all of them whether weak or strong and potent are absolutely terrible for my mind and general mood even if used responsibly.

BPD, D.I.D., and Schizophrenia are all very unique disorders that tend to be very unique to each person effected by them in symptoms, extent and intensity of the symptoms as well as what medications help and which ones harm. I used to smoke massive weed for 13-14 years straight, everyday usually around 3-4 Grams per day. It took me that long smoking, and then detoxing for a few months at a time not smoking at all - to finally accept and realize that Marijuana is not always a good drug/compound for me to enjoy on the regular. It causes me to be way more prone to Disassociate from my human body fully, which feels exactly as it sounds. The only way I can describe that feeling is like being Pure Energy floating next to your body, watching your human form act and move, without you in it... While someone else is behind the wheel (so to speak) I've heard internal voices inside of my head since I was young, I just didn't hang out with another kids close to my age to comprehend that this was not normal, so I just got used to it and started to chat with them over time to quell loneliness. At this point in my life, I have a quality family like relationship and understanding with all aspects of my personality, and my mind, body and consciousness after working diligently at helping myself and studying any and every possible disorder I was diagnosed with whether I agreed with the Doctor or not. It was a long path of 7+ years, but after being very devoted to finding the center, the truth of this mental health imbalance, I no longer have to deal on any sort of regular basis with other internal personalities trying to "run the show" (my body) without my consent and agreeing to allow them.

The most important thing to focus on that will start making you feel more human fast...at least it did for me...Is focusing on learning about yourself and becoming as In Touch with your body and physical form as you can. I started studying organic chemistry, neurochemistry, the basics of how our brains work and how different receptors function in different ways. I don't mess with my dopamine AT ALL anymore, its the worst receptor for me to mess around with. I even limit my personal level of sexuality and dating because of becoming aware of this aspect of just why I have issues like this. That part is a bit sad sometimes, as I can't really handle much companionship from other human beings on a regular basis because the more people that are around me, the more intensity I feel from the vibes and everything in between that everyone is giving off. I'm very sensitive and overly aware of whats going on around me at all times. It took me a bit to learn to "tune" and trust these instinctual feelings, but once I did - I can read people, almost anyone without issue. I've also noticed over the years, that for me personally D.I.D. makes me feel like I have some form of non traditional Dyslexia. The difference being it's not always with spelling, grammar or words - I constantly feel like I'm living my entire human existence in an assbackwards manner, starting at the out of bounds, ends of the earth parts of my consciousness and then working my way back to the simpler parts that I should've concentrated on first and figured out. But I'm stubborn and hard headed - I have to give new treatment methods a chance to do what they're supposed to do, unfortunately they rarely do much good at all.



continued in next message....

 

Part 2 - Sorry this is so damn long. I started typing and wanted to get all of the basic ideas across that may help, but I just ended up writing a book unintentionally instead.

I had these organized better, but they got mixed up in order due to the 10000 character limit on messages. I hope this finds you having a much better day. Peace.

If you practice Meditation at all or controlled breathing exercises, these are super legit for helping calm yourself down when stuck in a dire circumstance that you can't change or alter at that given moment. Take advantage of Meditation, it's an incredible tool for feeling more put together as well as getting to know yourself better and gaining important knowledge of self that you can't access any other way or anywhere else. Yoga and other forms of movement like this, Tai Chi as well, ,they are all very helpful to the mind and body to keep them calm and level. Also if you don't make any kinds of art or writing, drawing, otherwise - give something that you've been interested in for a bit a try - I guarantee you'll be better than most starting off and you'll become amazing very quick. Brains with these disorders in this category of mental illness are naturally inclined to be Artistically Interesting and Talented. It's an excellent form of self improvement, gives you something to be proud of and work on daily, and gives you something positive and enjoyable to work on, on your own time.

My #1 request as one BL Human Being and Harm Reductionist to another - If you EVER Ever EVER feel seriously inclined to harm yourself or punish yourself physically in any way shape or form - PLEASE, Message Me or Someone in your Family, or someone close that you can talk to and get into an interesting and distracting conversation with. That's one of the only ways I've ever been able to distract my mind from suicidal tendencies and the desire to leave this Planet and Human Form. I'd gladly give you a phone number that you could reach me at simply for the "Just in Case" of this situation happening. I've seen so many terrible things in this life - I NEVER want another human that can possibly relate to me and my condition on any level, to just continually suffer and feel crazy all day every day. I want to help my community and like minded and programmed individuals however I can.

I hope that helps at least a bit - Feel free to disregard if not. It's my job and damn near universal duty at this point to try and help others suffering in a similar fashion, because it's so hard to treat, miserable daily, and just takes the fun out of life a lot of the time. I don't feel like this NEARLY as much any more and when/if I do, is lesser to a huge extent and never lasts the way that it used to.


ADHD is a very common, prevalent disorder with my condition and is seen regularly as well in Schizophrenia as well as BPD. I had tried every drug and compound illegal, grey market or otherwise to try and help myself feel better on a daily basis and capable of functioning and holding a normal job. The one compounds that I had never been prescribed or actually given a chance as Medicinal compounds - were amphetamines. Back in August I started taking 15mgs of Dextroamphetamine daily, and in the months since - I've accomplished so much more and felt more stable mentally and emotionally than I have in 20+ years of seeking out help. Just because this works for me does not mean it will for you, but I've found that even tho amphetamines are Dopaminergically inclined to work, they work on a different Dopamine receptor separate from the Mu Opioid Receptor, and for whatever reason - it's just enough to help, but not too much that I get all manic or sped up and all I want to do for a bit is pursue Dopey pleasure regardless of where they're coming from - Food, Drugs or People. I absolutely refuse to ever take opiates again, so I'm having to try all varieties of treatment on myself. I keep a diary/logs of all the different medications they've given me, how I reacted to them - and after all I've tried, the only other 2 random scripts that I keep around for extreme circumstances are Haloperidal (Haldol, a heavy old school anti psychotic that knocks you out and puts you down. Can help cure delusional states of psychosis and bring the person back to reality. Also some Trazadone for sleep if I really really need some rest. Those are all of the meds that I touch, and they have been working very well for my condition over the past 7-8 months. I waited a LONG time to figure out this riddle and internal mystery - that's part of the reason that I'm more than happy to talk about the conditions in this realm of psychiatry because the doctors don't know nearly as much about how they work in the brain or whats actually going on, but they like to pretend they do. Usually the person afflicted has a better concept of whats going on, at least to some extent if they tend to be on the more self aware side.



I go by the name Mr. Meowfish - Or you can call me Dan if you prefer. Feel free to message me anytime, this is what BL is for.

Enjoy your Monday. Peace. - Meowfish

It may sound bizarre, possibly even like some bullshit or a story. I would not waste my time trying to help if I didn't feel like I had not only made a considerable amount of personal and external progress in this area. My life was very very difficult every single day for years and years and years. Now I actually wake up with a smile, and I still feel 100% like Me, Myself - not some fractured and thrown about inside my body, partial personality that I don't feel like every day, or some times not even recognizing the way that I felt internally for sometimes days up to weeks at a time. It felt like only having partial control over my own body, and then on top of that when I was addicted to opiates - I had one more VERY powerful and controlling voice constantly talking shit to me, telling me who to be, when to be it, and most of all - Got get this body some more fucking drugs! ASAP!!

Some prescriptions that have actually helped me over the years - I've tried a LOT, the list of what helped me is a lot shorter. Benzodiazepines, mainly just Diazepam (Valium) - it has a super long half life and helps me stay even keel, for even 2-3 days after taking one 10mg dose, which is a small dose for me especially when I was prescribed 3X that amount for 10+ years. Alprazolam (Xanax) - I take this strictly for full blown panic attacks. Xanax tends to have a shitty rebound effect of added anxiety and depression - especially for me so I try to avoid it if I can. I only take it if needed. Hydroxyzine (Visteril), which is also an anti-anxiety medication, it's just a step down in symptom management from benzo's, but it has it's benefits. It's a potent anti-histamine like Benadryl but even more mg for mg. It doens't have a pleasurable or overly noticeable effect until it really kicks in for me, then it helps me sleep decent, helps distract my mind from some of my constant physical pain (I have degenerative lumbar disorder also and should be on Pain Meds for the rest of my life for this condition) but have not taken one pill or dot of any compound even similar in mechanisms of action to an Opiate. Those pills are evil the way humans have used them as multiple styles of controlling society throughout the ages. We as a walking, talking, breathing race of humans are literally getting pimped by a FLOWER. We are being killed and removed from the planet we reside on by a combination of Evil Leaders and Government, Despicable Pharmaceutical companies who don't ever intend to actually cure anyone let alone save lives - they make medications just helpful enough to keep us alive and suffering slightly less...Then we need a refill. So many of us are owned and controlled by the Psychotropic medications Doctors are trying out on all of us...That's what made me want to take my control Back from my body running the show and me feeling like a passenger.