Calpurrnia
Greenlighter
I posted this to someone's suicide thread and felt it might be relevent and or emotionally evoking for those who might not feel comfortable saying these things . . . No need to respond . .. just read . . . Or . . Share your own . . .
Long read but worth it imo -
My dad died in November. . . he was 61 - i saw him die hooked up to breathing tubes as he was spread flat on a table non-responsive . . . we decided to pull the plug, well my older brother did since he had power of attorney . . . I saw my dad a few hours before this - he asked me to please stay with him and watch him breath. . . My addiction made me say " okay dad i'll be back in a few! ," aka i went to go get high. . . he was in a nursing home and stopped breathing for 20 minutes. . . I fell asleep from a strong opiate nod and my mom knocked on my door and told me we had to go to the hospital . . .
He died - they broke several of his ribs doing chest compression's - He squirmed then died. . . I know people say this often when someone they love dies, but my dad was the coolest guy in the world. . . total hippie, pro-gay, anti-hate, pro-love and knowledge. . . a rock and roller . . . accepted me for being gay - he said to me when he found out i liked dudes, " A holes a hole. . . a mouths a mouth, let me play you this unreleased Rollin' Stones song calledCock Sucker Blues,"
He was a comic book nerd, a videogame junkie and always very sick and bed bound. .. he was very much into women, sports and drugs. . . but would demand hugs from his kids everytime he saw them. . . you get my idea. . .he was the only person i never questioned loved me . . . but more so. . . which relates to your post the most. . . I've always been scared of the world. . . thinking why are we hear, aliens? matrix? nothingness? god? eternal pain? agnosticism? existentialism. . .? All my crazy thoughts i could tell him . . . and he defused my manic moods like a drug. . .
Between letting my addiction be the cause of his death indirectly. . . and the lose of the thing that stopped me from going over the mental brink of insanity. . . i broke. . . between the guilt and that my brother allowed them to donate every part of my dad. . . AKA they took his skin.. . bones. . .eye's . . . i freaked out . . . and started screaming . . . " YOU LET THEM RIP HIM APART!!!!! " to my brother who swore my dad would have wanted it. . . but i don't think my dad knew how much they take when you donate. . . . I was in shear hell . . . drugs did not work to take away the pain . . . I went over the deep end
I took 50 xanax . . . 50 Vic's . . . and stabbed my wrist ( not slit . .. but stabbed straight through with a box cutter that goes all the way out ) . . . Went into a hot bath . . . Had several grand mal seizures and woke up feeling like death and just layed there for a whole day not moving i was so sick . . . i'm a big guy .. 270 . . . I think the weight was the reason the drugs/blood lose didn't do me in. . .
my dad was always disabled and walked with a limp . . . and i hallucinated that he walked in the bathroom and looked over me . .. he walked normal, his crooked gait was gone. . . and smiled . . . History repeated itself. . . when he was 22 - his mom died. . . he saw her in a nursing home, she died hours later . . . he used to cry about it . . . badly . . i never understood why he cried so much over her death - i wish i could tell my dad.. " i understand now . ."
He promised he'd visit me if he died, he said that to me as he hugged me before i left the nursing home . . . it's been 7 months and i've accepted i'll never see him. . . what's funny is i actually believed i'd see him.
God that's a negative wall of text . . . /salute
Long read but worth it imo -
My dad died in November. . . he was 61 - i saw him die hooked up to breathing tubes as he was spread flat on a table non-responsive . . . we decided to pull the plug, well my older brother did since he had power of attorney . . . I saw my dad a few hours before this - he asked me to please stay with him and watch him breath. . . My addiction made me say " okay dad i'll be back in a few! ," aka i went to go get high. . . he was in a nursing home and stopped breathing for 20 minutes. . . I fell asleep from a strong opiate nod and my mom knocked on my door and told me we had to go to the hospital . . .
He died - they broke several of his ribs doing chest compression's - He squirmed then died. . . I know people say this often when someone they love dies, but my dad was the coolest guy in the world. . . total hippie, pro-gay, anti-hate, pro-love and knowledge. . . a rock and roller . . . accepted me for being gay - he said to me when he found out i liked dudes, " A holes a hole. . . a mouths a mouth, let me play you this unreleased Rollin' Stones song calledCock Sucker Blues,"
He was a comic book nerd, a videogame junkie and always very sick and bed bound. .. he was very much into women, sports and drugs. . . but would demand hugs from his kids everytime he saw them. . . you get my idea. . .he was the only person i never questioned loved me . . . but more so. . . which relates to your post the most. . . I've always been scared of the world. . . thinking why are we hear, aliens? matrix? nothingness? god? eternal pain? agnosticism? existentialism. . .? All my crazy thoughts i could tell him . . . and he defused my manic moods like a drug. . .
Between letting my addiction be the cause of his death indirectly. . . and the lose of the thing that stopped me from going over the mental brink of insanity. . . i broke. . . between the guilt and that my brother allowed them to donate every part of my dad. . . AKA they took his skin.. . bones. . .eye's . . . i freaked out . . . and started screaming . . . " YOU LET THEM RIP HIM APART!!!!! " to my brother who swore my dad would have wanted it. . . but i don't think my dad knew how much they take when you donate. . . . I was in shear hell . . . drugs did not work to take away the pain . . . I went over the deep end
I took 50 xanax . . . 50 Vic's . . . and stabbed my wrist ( not slit . .. but stabbed straight through with a box cutter that goes all the way out ) . . . Went into a hot bath . . . Had several grand mal seizures and woke up feeling like death and just layed there for a whole day not moving i was so sick . . . i'm a big guy .. 270 . . . I think the weight was the reason the drugs/blood lose didn't do me in. . .
my dad was always disabled and walked with a limp . . . and i hallucinated that he walked in the bathroom and looked over me . .. he walked normal, his crooked gait was gone. . . and smiled . . . History repeated itself. . . when he was 22 - his mom died. . . he saw her in a nursing home, she died hours later . . . he used to cry about it . . . badly . . i never understood why he cried so much over her death - i wish i could tell my dad.. " i understand now . ."
He promised he'd visit me if he died, he said that to me as he hugged me before i left the nursing home . . . it's been 7 months and i've accepted i'll never see him. . . what's funny is i actually believed i'd see him.
God that's a negative wall of text . . . /salute
