Reality does get easier to deal with. Or perhaps I'm not as foggy in the head since I haven't touched coke or H in 4 days. I have been drinking (predominantly beer) and for the most part I have only been drinking moderately because I've been exhausted.
Last night/this morning I fell asleep at 9am. The day before I fell asleep at 11am.
I remember the insomnia from abstinence but I've been smoking weed at night lately. You would think this would help me snooze
Fuckin' powders are powerful motherfuckers. I never had a physical habit for H (I can see myself easily falling into one though) but it still lingers in the back of my mind. Coke? I love it but, guess what? Quality is gettin' poor. I shot coke on Saturday and it wasn't worth it. I did a lot of money in one shot when that same amount of money for REAL powder should have yielded 2 or 3 shots.
Oh yeah... I did my first speedball on that Saturday as well. I fuckin' missed the shot pretty bad (probably three quarters missed the vein). I had two bags of H and two bags of coke in that barrel. The injection point has been hard, lumpy and painful until today. I can touch it and it is merely just a clump of scar tissue. No pain. I was startin' to worry about it for a second there.
I'm just lettin' life take its course right now. I'll voice my thoughts every so often for the important shit but my decisions for the past few months have been pretty poor so I gotta stop making so many decisions. The ratio of good results to bad results isn't in my favor when I'm foggy.
'M' and I are just taking care of ourselves separately. If it happens that we catch each other again than that's fuckin' awesome. If not, well I kinda remember a time when life wasn't all that bad. I was more secure and strong (i was clean then) That time wasn't too long ago.
I always want more, bigger, better. Is my pursuit of 'M' a part of that? Or should I just be enjoying what I have at the moment?
I know these answers.
Anyway, I didn't go to the Social Security Office for a rejection letter for medical assistance for rehab. I'll get there tomorrow sometime, I guess. Its gotta get done and I'm unsure if I'm making excuses or circumstances are actually valid interferences
bleh
Last night/this morning I fell asleep at 9am. The day before I fell asleep at 11am.
I remember the insomnia from abstinence but I've been smoking weed at night lately. You would think this would help me snooze
Fuckin' powders are powerful motherfuckers. I never had a physical habit for H (I can see myself easily falling into one though) but it still lingers in the back of my mind. Coke? I love it but, guess what? Quality is gettin' poor. I shot coke on Saturday and it wasn't worth it. I did a lot of money in one shot when that same amount of money for REAL powder should have yielded 2 or 3 shots.
Oh yeah... I did my first speedball on that Saturday as well. I fuckin' missed the shot pretty bad (probably three quarters missed the vein). I had two bags of H and two bags of coke in that barrel. The injection point has been hard, lumpy and painful until today. I can touch it and it is merely just a clump of scar tissue. No pain. I was startin' to worry about it for a second there.
I'm just lettin' life take its course right now. I'll voice my thoughts every so often for the important shit but my decisions for the past few months have been pretty poor so I gotta stop making so many decisions. The ratio of good results to bad results isn't in my favor when I'm foggy.
'M' and I are just taking care of ourselves separately. If it happens that we catch each other again than that's fuckin' awesome. If not, well I kinda remember a time when life wasn't all that bad. I was more secure and strong (i was clean then) That time wasn't too long ago.
I always want more, bigger, better. Is my pursuit of 'M' a part of that? Or should I just be enjoying what I have at the moment?
I know these answers.
Anyway, I didn't go to the Social Security Office for a rejection letter for medical assistance for rehab. I'll get there tomorrow sometime, I guess. Its gotta get done and I'm unsure if I'm making excuses or circumstances are actually valid interferences
bleh
