Today

[AriBen]

Today, the ball dropped. I had been balancing the weight of my deceit as evenly as possible across all aspects of my life. I strategically place untrue statements int he minds of the people around me in order to fabricate the image of some sort of respectable existence for myself. I have been on and off of opiates since I have been sixteen years old, now twenty-one and saddled with addiction; I have reached a place of no return, perhaps the place of no return.
Today, the woman I love, whom I have foolishly pledged to marry, (will explain) went for coffee with friend of the unevenly mutual type, (being more her friend than mine, but with good intentions none the less). While enjoying this coffee, in whose delightful aroma they shared-- this mutual friend began to divulge certain information about me. She told her (my girlfriend who is the largest validation for my continued existence) everything. She knew, as most of my friends do, that I have this addiction. That I am an addict and by default a lier.
This wonderful girl, this beautiful being who I had somehow managed to attract, was ignorant of my drug abuse-- completely ignorant. I love this woman, i truly believe she has more integrity and love than anyone else in the world and because of this immaculate opinion I hold and have held of her, I have been too cowardly to divulge the nature of whatever mucosa-laden reptile I am kin to. I have lied to this poor girl for the entirety of our relationship, have fed her the sin which I cultivate and continually harvest. I do not lie simply about my drug use, I compulsively lie about everything. I lie about my performance and participation in school, I lie about having sex with other women, I lie to her about the relations I have with my family and I never stop. So, here she is left to enjoy the steaming pile of shit I have left in her lap, left to revel-- like me, in its aroma.
And so here I am, in acute withdrawl, unable to rest, looking for NA meetings in the AM and praying to god that by some power of will or luck in draw that I can change and keep her.

 

[panic in paradise]

" AM and praying to god that by some power of will or luck in draw that I can change and keep her. "

i say this with optimism, a fist, and a smile in my eyes//

god, is busy.


there are people praying in situations we probably could hardly consider - yet, there are also people praying to further the sins of their own - rather then to have them changed.
- this is a time to take action and start gathering esteem to continue -

*

in the meantime, give her space... give yourself some grounding and explore what it might be that you have such a need to bury in yourself - lying, hiding, and suppressing with drugs, not just from your loved ones or people in your life, but yourself first and foremost; you are the one lying, not some it in you.

i dont see why someone would be a "compulsive liar" unless they were just that unhappy with themselves to such an extent. it seems 'addictive' in this sense, as its something that makes you feel good about yourself, used to alter your perception of yourself - through deception of others - and at times you may believe it as well...


have you thought internally, looked deep in-side to find what you are spending outward externally in the form of lies?
why does the need and specific feeling exist, where did it come from originally(i had suppressed memories myself), and what is a step you can take comfortably and realistically, to take on these thoughts and emotions?


i mentioned this being addictive, it is in every sense of the word, psychologically...
there are practices people have that lie compulsively to help detour them... i would definitely search for information, i can imagine this will be a hard habit to break - as it has been so defining of you, to others and yourself, but, switch it around as much as possible and you are then redefining yourself.

hehe - if i may, a Mantra for when this becomes difficult:
Births are the most painful parts of life x 3.

why plural?
im not talking about literal reanimation, but in a sense, in any sense it happens all the time - - sometimes because of the pain, we miss the chance of stepping out and into.
instead we may only draw further away from others and ourselves, out furthering potential.

 

[izzy66]

i'm not trying to be cruel
but
if you have lied to your girl about everything then she is in love w/ someone who doesn't exist.
if i were in her position, i'd hit the road and never look back, not because you have hidden an opiate habit, but because, by your admission, you have never been honest w/ her about anything. there's nothing to salvage because the entire relationship has been some kind of deceptive fantasy of your creation. how could you ever expect her to trust or respect you?
i'm sorry for you man cuz if you had just been who you are and only hidden the opiate problem, i bet you she might stand by you and try to help you get clean.
bad situation of your own making, hopefully one you will not make again, and i wish you the very best of luck.
-izzy