If I could only be honest with someone who cared about my well being and stick with it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what honesty with myself is. I swing wildly and rapidy from one extreme of emotion to the next and am embarrased by this. People ask all the time how I'm doing and often I'll lie to them because I can't bare to let them really in on what's running a muck in my head. I don't want sympathy I just want understanding. I want to understand why I feel this chaotic. Why can't I make a decision and stick with it? One day I'm okay. One day I wake up and I feel like I can manage this day. I'd like to say that I can find joy in a day but really that's not it. Really I can just get through it without letting all my demons drag me through emotional hell. At times I feel like I"ve made the worst decision in my life being with the partner I'm with. But others I feel like it's not his fault but my own. Maybe if I was better adjusted within myself I wouldn't blame him for everything that is going wrong in my life. But again, I flip constantly. I can't handle it any more. Feelings of guilt, sorrow, anger, helplessness, and rage flow through me. I feel like a horrible mom. I feel like a horrible friend, I feel like a horrible person. I am in constant need of validation from outside myself and I don't understand why. I have no family, not because they are dead but because they want nothing to do with me. My father bowed out of my life at a very early age and when I try to confront him about it he tells me it's my fault he wasn't in my life and still isn't. My mother...well she's a peice of work and I am in constant fear that my own daughter and unborn child are going to grown up hating me as much as I loathe my mother. I look at her and so much anger arises in me. I can remember at the ripe old age of 12 toying with suicide. My sister use to verbally and physically abuse me, along with most of the kids at the small school I grew up in (40ish kids in the graduating class). I feel like a total failure at everything. Although I ought not to. I went from homeless on the streets at 18 to graduating with honors from the best public university in the US at 24. But I constantly think there is something wrong with me. I just can't be happy. I feel guilty for bringing my first daughter into the world as I struggle everyday and now I am bringing another life into this cruel fucked up world. I've been told by professors and mentors alike that I am smart, talented and gifted but yet I waste away in my house afraid to tell anyone just how low I really am. No one really wants to hear about depression and suicidal thoughts. There's only so much someone can really do for a person before they just give up and walk away. Asking for help is hard, especially when those around me know I"m smart enough to fix my situation myself. But am I really? I live in fear, not in love and I don't know how to change that. I need help. But have no one to ask for it. I've told my partner just how empty I feel and sometimes I feel like I have died and gone to hell. That this life is just my punishment. For what? I don't know. But some days I can hide all this. Some days I can trick myself in to thinking that everything is going to be alright. I'm just so tired of being unhappy. I'm so tired of crying silently to myself. So I let it out here, in a community of people who have no idea who I am in real life because I"m too afraid to tell anyone in my real life. Most people would tell me what people here tell me, leave the man, and get on with your life. But is that really the answer? Where would I get my strength from? He feels like home. And I have two kids with him. And maybe he's not my problem but I am my problem. I keep thinking if he'd get a job and help with the basics of life maybe I'd be able to start focusing on my deeper issues but for now they are all tied up together. See a therpaist, most would say...but I don't trust people. I don't want to be judged. I'm mental, I know I am. So for now I sit and cry. I wish I had someone that understood me. I wish I had someone I could turn to talk with. But I don't. I don't trust that anyone really cares. Maybe it's because I've never lived somewhere long enough to make a real friend. At 29 years old the longest I've ever lived in one place was five years. Or maybe it's because when I did reach out to a friend when in need they didn't understand and they distanced themselves from me...............................
I finally let it out somewhere. As unorganized, random chaotic as it may be. It's out for now. Not that it's going to help or matter. I feel so embarrased that I feel this way. I just want to hide under a rock because I feel like a total loser. Then I want that rock to crush my head to I don't have to feel this any more.
I finally let it out somewhere. As unorganized, random chaotic as it may be. It's out for now. Not that it's going to help or matter. I feel so embarrased that I feel this way. I just want to hide under a rock because I feel like a total loser. Then I want that rock to crush my head to I don't have to feel this any more.