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Advice To tell or not to tell partner

Jen X

Jen X

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
2,638
Location
Canada
I've been dating a really good guy for almost a year. He don't smoke/drink/drugs. I never told him i was an addict because i was embarrassed and didn't want to lose him. I was tapering so i figured no point. Well i relapsed yesterday and now have needle marks on my arms. I need to tell him because i hate lying to him. He's such a great guy and i don't have a support system other then him.
I'm scared if i tell him he will be mad i waited so long and i'm terrified he will leave me and since losing my parents he's all i have. Should i keep quiet and try to not use again or be honest?
I feel so guilty for using again and for hiding it. What if he stops trusting me.
I really don't know what to do so if any guy or girl could chime in on what they would do or how they would feel if they were him. Would you trust someone that lied to you for your whole relationship.
He knows i have MS and have painkillers and when i had to take 1 for pain a few days ago he just said to be careful because people get addicted easily . He has such a big heart and i never thought i'd find someone that would make me so happy.
Any advice would be appreciated
 
I'd tell him, then maybe discuss what caused you to relapse and that you're thankful for any support and then say the support of having him in your life is why it didn't happen earlier. If it goes well then you will probably come out of it with a stronger relationship. Obviously there is risk to going that route
 
So maybe just stop right now. And don't do it anymore because you don't want to. You have to quit if that's what you want and how you want it to be.

It's really none of my business I guess but I would hope to not ever relapse again. Somehow. I would just say don't do it anymore for you and for him.

And then just tell him when you are ready. Prove to both of you that you will do this today.

I don't think that I could call that though. But good luck I wish you all of the healthiest days ahead possible and that you can have and deserve to because

you are in a great conflict. But I think this can be doable in the best way possible to the best of your abilities. Sorry if I sound callus but I think you can do this

and when you are ready and have the strength maybe it can be a strong bond for both of you in your life together. I would just tell him after I meditated and asked for strength

for the whole situation after resting on it. I know it's not a solution but know you can find a way but stay strong. Have that strength in your heart to know.

And tell him when you feel strong and are ready ? If and when you can. Love deep and have strength in it somehow. Also. You're tough. <3 take care k
 
HumanityIsTheDevil said:
Would i trust someone who had lied to me for our whole relationship? Most likely not, but it depends.

I'm a guy who just kicked a girl to the curb for being dishonest with me. We had dated for a month when she told me she was already in a (polyamorous) relationship. I got mad and immediately told her to fuck off and stay out of my sight. Trust is everything in a relationship.

So it's a risk for sure, but you need to be honest with him because as i said, trust is everything in a relationship. You also need to get clean if you haven't already. Actions speak louder than words.

Tell him what you told us: that you told yourself it was a non-issue because you were already getting off the junk when you met and that you were ashamed and didn't want to scare him away. If you wanna sugarcoat it a little bit, stroke his ego by telling him he was the reason you went so long without a relapse like the previous poster said.

If he has any balls it will make him mad (which might not show, depending on his degree of self-control), but if he's into you as much as you are into him, he'll forgive you. I've fucked up a few relationships with my substance abuse, but it always required repeat offences on my part. It might diminish his trust, but trust can be regained if you mend your ways in the future. It's not like you cheated on him. The reason i was so mad with the girl i dumped was that there was another guy involved.

Trust me, if you're not honest with him, it will bite you in the ass somewhere down the line. The guilt will drive you to spit it out eventually anyway, and it will feel like an even bigger stab in the heart for him. It might also torment you to the point of relapsing again.

If we look at it from a moral standpoint, it boils down to this: you can't say with a straight face that you care about him if you're not even honest with him. It's that simple.

As a fellow addict i feel for you and wish you luck, but as a man i strongly urge you to get your shit together and to be honest with him in the future. Men have feelings too. We're just really good at hiding them.
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I’ve always felt cheating/another man or woman on the side is infinitely worse than hiding drug use, but I guess I would think that lol bias and all.. She’s such an idiot too, that’s not polyamory that’s just plain cheating. If she was truly poly you’d have known about it on the first date. I woulda dropped her ass like a bad habit too.

@Jennn tell him exactly what you told us. I’ve been in this exact situation. My ex wife who I was with for 15yrs didn’t know until a year in when my life fell apart. She stayed with me cuz at the time our love was strong. This will be a test on how strong the relationship is, and/or if you guys are compatible. At the end of the day, this is part of who you are whether you like it or not. Even if it’s past tense, this is part of who you are and he should know.

Please keep us updated whatever you decide!

-GC
 
Jennn said:
I've been dating a really good guy for almost a year. He don't smoke/drink/drugs. I never told him i was an addict because i was embarrassed and didn't want to lose him. I was tapering so i figured no point. Well i relapsed yesterday and now have needle marks on my arms. I need to tell him because i hate lying to him. He's such a great guy and i don't have a support system other then him.
I'm scared if i tell him he will be mad i waited so long and i'm terrified he will leave me and since losing my parents he's all i have. Should i keep quiet and try to not use again or be honest?
I feel so guilty for using again and for hiding it. What if he stops trusting me.
I really don't know what to do so if any guy or girl could chime in on what they would do or how they would feel if they were him. Would you trust someone that lied to you for your whole relationship.
He knows i have MS and have painkillers and when i had to take 1 for pain a few days ago he just said to be careful because people get addicted easily . He has such a big heart and i never thought i'd find someone that would make me so happy.
Any advice would be appreciated
Click to expand...

Have you ever explicitly lied to him about using drugs before or simply not told him? You said you were tapering when the relationship started, did you complete the taper and were clean before this relapse or had you been on some kind of opioid the whole time?

Needle marks from one usage shouldn't be too obvious. You can also hide them with long sleeves or makeup. If he asks you directly, I would recommend being honest. However, if it doesn't come up I think it would be ok (though not ideal) to simply put this part of your life behind you, never use again and then if it ever comes up you could say "yeah, I must confess I did have a problem with drugs in the past but it was before we got together and I don't use anymore" and you'd essentially be telling the truth.
 
burn out said:
Have you ever explicitly lied to him about using drugs before or simply not told him? You said you were tapering when the relationship started, did you complete the taper and were clean before this relapse or had you been on some kind of opioid the whole time?

Needle marks from one usage shouldn't be too obvious. You can also hide them with long sleeves or makeup. If he asks you directly, I would recommend being honest. However, if it doesn't come up I think it would be ok (though not ideal) to simply put this part of your life behind you, never use again and then if it ever comes up you could say "yeah, I must confess I did have a problem with drugs in the past but it was before we got together and I don't use anymore" and you'd essentially be telling the truth.
Click to expand...

I've never lied just wanted to put that part of my life in the past and of course i felt shame. I did taper and was off it until yesterday. I want to be clean and was but i was upset and old friend dropped by you know how that goes.
 
Jennn said:
I've been dating a really good guy for almost a year. He don't smoke/drink/drugs. I never told him i was an addict because i was embarrassed and didn't want to lose him. I was tapering so i figured no point. Well i relapsed yesterday and now have needle marks on my arms. I need to tell him because i hate lying to him. He's such a great guy and i don't have a support system other then him.
I'm scared if i tell him he will be mad i waited so long and i'm terrified he will leave me and since losing my parents he's all i have. Should i keep quiet and try to not use again or be honest?
I feel so guilty for using again and for hiding it. What if he stops trusting me.
I really don't know what to do so if any guy or girl could chime in on what they would do or how they would feel if they were him. Would you trust someone that lied to you for your whole relationship.
He knows i have MS and have painkillers and when i had to take 1 for pain a few days ago he just said to be careful because people get addicted easily . He has such a big heart and i never thought i'd find someone that would make me so happy.
Any advice would be appreciated
Click to expand...
First, everything will be ok. I know it may seem like whatever choice you make you’re doomed; I know bc I lived in that for 25+ years of being an absolute pessimist, but it will all work itself out no matter what. I’m sorry that you don’t have a support system bc that shit is rough. What I do know though is that hard conversations have to happen. In my experience I would say you need to tell him if you feel the way you do and the feels are mutual. He may not know how to react immediately so whatever his initial reaction is, give him time to think about what he wants to do. But if he reacts in an absolutely shitty way and wants nothing more to do with the situation wouldn’t you want to know that now? Also, you don’t have to answer this to me but I know I learned this during recovery, what made you relapse? Bc there is always a true core reason. How long has you been clean? If he leaves are you going to spiral? I know these are tough questions but the point is knee-jerk reactions are never good. So I would say think about all avenues and call your sponsor if you have one and if you don’t have one, find one. But again, it will all work out. You may not think so if things go a certain way but they will. I hope that didn’t sound too ‘almighty’ bc I really don’t mean it that way.
 
Jennn said:
I've never lied just wanted to put that part of my life in the past and of course i felt shame. I did taper and was off it until yesterday. I want to be clean and was but i was upset and old friend dropped by you know how that goes.
Click to expand...
YOU HAVE to cut those people out of your life COMPLETELY! I don’t anybody that has stayed clean running with their old crowd. You just about have to change everything in your life if being clean is what you truly want. And with getting clean the life we all want follows when you out in the work. Bc there is definitely work to be done.
 
There’s a risk if you tell him the truth. Then there’s the risk that you don’t tell him anything and he has some tiny inkling that you use followed by him finding out that you’ve kept it from him intentionally without any plans (in his mind) of ever telling him; sneaking around.

If people with substance use disorder could ensure when they could become long-term abstinent, the statistics about relapse wouldn’t be what they are. We need to see it as a relatively long game that’s different for everyone dealing with addiction.
 
Always tell your partner everything unless you like people lying to you.

HumanityIsTheDevil said:
I think cheating is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Shit hurts. I've also never seen an open relationship that was balanced. It always ends up being an excuse for the woman to hook up with side dudes while still having the security of going back to their so-called boyfriend afterwards. I can't understand the guys who enable that shit.
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I honestly wouldn't care if my wife fucked someone else, as long as she told me about it... In fact, I have encouraged it.

She can fuck someone else in front of me if she likes. I've said that to her numerous times.

I don't want her to suppress those feelings. I don't want her to stay with me and grow bitterness / resentment.

If she prefers fucking someone else, and she'd rather be with them, I'd like to know. I don't want to imprison her.

I'm not insecure about my looks or my performance in the bedroom.

I'd like to be with someone that is free to leave but wants to stay. Often (I think) if you give people freedom, that's all they need. To know they are free.

There are MUCH worse things you can do than fucking someone else.

...

I also wouldn't care if I found out my partner had a secret drug addiction and they were too ashamed to tell me about it or they didn't tell me because they were afraid I'd leave them. I believe in honesty, but that's a totally understandable situation.

I'm a bit of a weirdo, though.
 
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I very strongly suggest being honest. If you are, then it sets you up well for him to trust you in the future. If you lie now, we'll... he won't have any reason to believe what you day another time.
 
If you think it was just a one time thing then I wouldn’t even bother saying anything. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
 
Ya it's not a black or white situation. He is literally all i have. If i lose him i most definitely would relapse and never stop again. I have MS so he knows i have to take pills once in a while...just don't know i iv them sometimes, which i'm trying not to do again. We are both in our 40's so i'm sure there's things from his past i don't know.
I hate lying so if i relapse again i will tell him because i do need the support and it's awful lying to someone you love.
 
Wow a small relapse and you want to tell your boyfriend. Your not very good at being a junkie, just kidding. First of all I hope you didn't share a needle. Second your country has the opposite problem as mine. Can't you get some great pills up their?
Listen, I am sort of like you. My sister and mom long dead, and my dad died in August.I am in my 40's and have no friends or relatives close by. I am alone, but I ain't a chick and I am a loner by nature.
I suppose I could try and make friends but I can't drink, don't like weed and hard drugs are out of the question. Hanging out with the people from my church is tough, the only one who will, is a really nice but super quiet black guy who was friends with my dad ( much older) and possibly my dad's former( they were both surgeons and shared an office, but my dad rented space, it was his practice) I was suppose to go to gun range with him but we'll, It is tough for me, I haven't had a job this century, I have a house, a a decent newer car and I ain't broke.
I do sometimes get lonely and I sorta realize how tough that could be to a woman.( I am straight and not some emotionally needy guy) Especially with MS and an issue( drugs).
The guy sounds great don't lose him. Stay off needles. It is Canada and you have a serious and painful condition. It is how I legally get Oxy and Valium and use to get morphine) I bet you could do better(drug wise).
I wouldn't jeopardize the one stabilizing force in your life. Let's call your boyfriend Mr. A.
He is clean, which is good and having him in your life seems to be one of, if not the best things you have. Please don't jeopardize that, it could only be, well devastating.
Stay away from needles, get the meds you need and keep it to yourself.
If you can keep the meds at whatever is a
therapeutic level, keep it to yourself.
If he finds out, cry and say you have no idea the pain my MS causes me. This isn't a some injury that can heal or be fixed. I am in excruciating pain and I use to my perscription meds so I am not in agony and can function.
If Mr. A ( I can't call a squeaky clean guy Mr. X, besides that's too cliche) is a decent guy, hopefully he will understand
The druggie past, is not really something that will help your relationship( he might split), then what, you said yourself your country has gone to hell, and more importantly cause you to be a junkie, for lack of a better term.
You know him intimately, but finding out your girlfriend is an IV drug user( I mean if you relapse and do it again and tell him) Mr. A might talk to people who would say you can do better.
A lot of relationships have been ruined by people sharing too much info.
Treat him well and treat your pain. ( don't misuse them, the pills, but use what you need)
 
Arnold said:
Relationships are built on trust and honesty when neither are there the relationship won't last.

If you want to continue the relationship maybe put your cards on the table, pointless going any further without that.
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Electrum1 said:
I'd tell him, then maybe discuss what caused you to relapse and that you're thankful for any support and then say the support of having him in your life is why it didn't happen earlier. If it goes well then you will probably come out of it with a stronger relationship. Obviously there is risk to going that route
Click to expand...
Eligiu said:
I very strongly suggest being honest. If you are, then it sets you up well for him to trust you in the future. If you lie now, we'll... he won't have any reason to believe what you day another time.
Click to expand...
100% this.
How do you think he'll react if he finds out 2, 5, 10 years down the line?
If you are serious about this guy, then keeping secrets from him (especially something as major as this) will get you nowhere.
Besides, why would you want to be with someone who stigmatizes you based on your past?
What you did in the past is a part of who you are, and someone who can't accept you despite what you have been through isn't accepting who you really are.
 
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