To be a confirmed heroin addict is to be one of the walking dead

Dope is purely evil. Dope took away everything from me last year. Dope just stole my significant other. Some people may say that dope didn't do it, but rather the user did it. Dope, in my opinion, has a definite energy about it. It is an evil energy. It is more powerful than any user. I find it taunting me, at times, begging for one more chance with me. I find myself fantasizing about dope, at times.

When I used to be actively addicted, I used to fantasize about a big huge shot of dope that would knock me out so hard, I would die. I used to fantasize about DEATH. I wanted to die via overdose. That sounded GOOD to me! I tried it once. I used about three times more than I usually would have. I did not die, obviously. Instead, I woke up 36 hours later, with a completely numb arm and leg, blood crusted to my mouth, and about 20 missed calls. My tongue had HUGE bite-like marks on it. I was angry that I was still alive. As time went on, I started to be happy I was alive.

I don't know the "secret" to overcome this problem. I am three months clean, and these thoughts still consume me. The evil energy of dope haunts me every day. I need to get the fuck away from it before I give in again.
 
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rachamim
I need to add...an OD is a painful way to go. It isnt sedated bliss. It is a poisoning just like any other.
 
XTCAKE
^ yeah and that didn't bother me at the time. I don't think my personal experience has anything to do with prohibition; maybe other peoples' situation(s) do, but mine does not. I am simply stating that by using dope, I have lost everything I once held close; and now I am starting to rebuild my life.
 
rachamim
But...and granted I nothing about you...but if had been able to use pharmaceutucaly pure substances at a very affordable price without fear of legal prosecution and social recrimination, would you have still lost these things? In other words, would you lose them over a fondness for cigarettes? Beer? Prohibition is what directly leads to most negative issues related to drugs. I am glad though that you do feel you are in a better place now.
 
Jabberwocky
Just keep you head up XTC! You've got a long road ahead of you. You already know it's so much fucking better, long or short term, as the using road.

Personally, I wouldn't go so far as to say dope is evil, but I understand what you mean. Regardless, it made your ex.s.o. do some evil things. The person who introduced you to it (and I reserve this characterization to only the very proud truly sadistic and inhuman psychopathic few) certainly was an evil person. ...So, what I mean by all that is, I think it's fair to understand the essence of dope as evil.

Over time I think you'll come to a broader understanding of all this, but, especially at the moment, I think it's rather productive for you to think of dope as evil. The ONLY possible downside to this is that, if you relapse, god forbid, and you understand dope as evil, might you then be tempted to think of yourself as evil for having used the dope, and therefore undeserving of help or a better life, that which you really do in fact deserve (as you deserve the best)? Iono, hope that made sense?

I mean, it's like my mum used to vehemently tell me drug were bad bad "BAD," so that when I ended up using something even a benign as pot I, either unconsciously or consciously, believed myself to be bad. Because I was bad why the fuck did it matter if I did other things that I knew were bad? What diff would it make? Classic fuck-it scenario with a sociological twist =D I try, I try

The point is: The last thing you need to be doing right now is devaluing yourself. That's all I'm trying to say ;)

XTC <3 !!!!

I mean, if you stay the course, you'll eventually, I would hope, come to be proud of yourself - even your using self. Fuck, I mean, you know that we're part of one of the smallest populations on earth - and the most demonized at that! Iono, but I take comfort in that. I am proud of where I've come from. I hold my head high. I don't romanticize the drug use or my heroin addiction - far from it. I seen it as it really was though. I am, as goes one of my favorite movie quotes goes, able to "see with eyes unclouded by hate." And, because of being able to see it for what it really was, I am able achieve the harmony of A) not ever going back to that place & B) still loving myself and being proud of myself despite having been an active dope fiend.
 
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XTCAKE
You both make very good points. Looking back, I can't blame anyone or anything but myself for what has happened. I can't change what has happened. When I started to abuse dope, THAT is when my life took a turn for the worse. For almost one year I was able to only use it about twice a week, and never used a needle. My life changed once I got my hands on a needle and my own direct dope connection. I was the one who decided to "try" the needle. I know that I made the decision to ruin my own life. I became homeless, unemplyed, my car got taken away, and I started to steal from anywhere and anyone I could. No one is to blame but ME. I do think it happened for a reason, though. I can't even say I regret all that I have been through. Many of us have been through the same thing and I appreciate the words of wisdom that have been shared.
 
rachamim
It is great that you take responsibility for your choices. Unless someone told you it was something else, or physicaly forced you to take it, you only have yourself to blame- or whatever- for having picked up in the first place. Kudos for recognising this, especially in the face of others who are demonising the substance and its use. I respect the other poster's right to view it in such a fashion but in the end, this site is dedicated to Harm Reduction, not 12 Step-type circlejerking. People lash out at substances to rationalise what may have been their own piss poor judgement. An analogy...my uncle was just killedby a stationwagon that pancaked him as he sent a text...let us ban texting....why not add cellphones while we are at it...definitely need to remove those fucked up stationwagons from society! Wait! Ban ALL motorvehicles and that evil man who taught my uncle to text should be fucken castrated NOW!!! Wait...uh oh...that was meeeeeeeeee...
 
XTCAKE
I do take full responsibility for those bad decisions. It may sound like I am blaming heroin, but I am just angry. That is all; I am frustrated. I have many emotions now that I am sober. I don't know where they all came from! Hey, that sucks about your uncle. I have a problem with people texting and driving and that person that caused his accident should be HURT. Anyways, the wonderful thing is that we all have the right to our opinions. I try to always respect others' opinions and I always listen to someone when they have something to say. Of course dope didn't FORCE its way into my life; in fact, I did that to dope. I am not happy about what I did, and I'm still trying to get over this whole thing.
 
socko
Hey there,

Interesting post and some good comments and follow ups. Minneapolis, huh? I lived in the West Bank/Phillips (hung out some at he Hard Times Cafe) area and then the Como neighborhood for several years when I was at the U.

I'm glad you've been able to quit and that you have been thinking about the causes of your craving..... To add to the comments about prohibition, I tend to think that the mere act of PROHIBITING the substance can be the thing that causes the desire to ingest the substance in the first place. Not only that, but prohibition is enhances any subsequent craving and contributes to the addiction that follows for some people. When something is scarce and expensive, I tend to want it more and to seek it. It is new and exotic. It is the desire for the "forbidden."

Or maybe prohibition is like when the bartender announces "Last Call." 10 more minutes to get your drink. Better to get it now and maybe even chug because you won't be able to get any for much longer.

At least in hindsight, that's how my brief run with i.v. cocaine and speedballing went. I would go across town and deal with all kinds of shady dickheads until I could find something...
Anyway, stopped before it grew into a real problem, and the cravings faded with time.
 
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rachamim
XT: I certainly understand the frustration anyone might feel in your position but my point is that, ultimately, most any suffering you may be experiencing is going to run in a straight lune from Prohibition. Anyway I have pounded that nail enough-and then some. As fir my uncle, it was not real, merely an analogy to illustrate the folly in demonising inanimate objects and innocuous practices.
 
rachamim
Socko: Absolutely, Prohibition has wrecked untold lives.Making something rare, xpencive
and dangerous only serves to entice a certain segment of yhe population.
 
XTCAKE
Rachamim:I didn't see the "an analogy" part. I went back and read it now! Haha! You do have a good point, fo sure.
Socko: Hard Times is my absolute favorite hang out spot! LOVE it! There's always some characters there! Never a dull moment..and their food is good ;)
TPD: <3 that's all!
 
XTCAKE
Uh..hey melissa, I suggest you 1. Get rid of that man 2. Post your question in the appropriate forum

Anyways..its hard to tell. Usually, a runny nose is a sign of being dope sick..but I can't tell you for sure if that's really what's up with your man. Hey, I know from experience, if you even have to wonder if he's using, he probably is..get rid of him. Itrs not easy, but it gets better. Trust me..I always got mad when people said "time heals all wounds' and shit like that. But, hey, I've come to find out it does! <3

EDIT: time doesn't HEAL wounds, but as time goes on, you are more likely to have a more accepting attitude towards whatever misfortune you've experienced. Its always gonna hurt..I know this. It just becomes something you learn to deal with :(
 
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lazylazyjoe
It is kinda funny how heroin as finds you. It's like it wants you to do it. Like some crazed ex who keeps stalking you. Always tracking you down, even when you found the best hiding spot.
And time doesn't heal wounds. You just get used to stuff and deal cause you have to. I've lost several friends either to this lifestyle or other, and I think about each every day. I want that hurt to stay, so I don't forget any of them.
Wish I had a positve note to end on, but I have none. Wish you the best, i never like to see people hurting.
 
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