Tired

My new schedule has been fucking me up. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that my unwillingness to be responsible and change my routine in order to adapt to the new schedule has been fucking me up.

I hate these thoughts, man. I fucking HATE them. It always gets like this, I get tired and I get fucked in the head with real bad shit. I get hungry, same thing happens.

Its difficult to determine if the things and motives happening around me are real or just my fucked up, fantastical thoughts.

It bothers me that my default 'escape' no longer centers on getting high (I haven't used drugs in over a year). Now my default response is fantasy. I fantasize about taking myself out or I fantasize about hurting myself.

I fucking hate it. I know if I can get some sleep that these thoughts will start to go away but the more I think, the less I can sleep.

It'll pass and its entirely my fault that I'm like this. Just gotta man the fuck up I suppose

 

hopefully you got some sleep... i find taking showers helps me feel better if i am feeling down. i think part of it is feeling the super hot water and the feeling of being clean/refreshed when i get out.

 

One thing that I had to address when I was in therapy was distinguishing between 'tired' and 'depressed'. The two are phenomenally (at least on the surface) very similar, and I would often equate the two. It would get very discouraging when I would wake up 'depressed' every morning, and my thoughts would immediately take a turn for the worse because I was identifying that state as being exclusively depressed. Even now, I need to remind myself at times that I'm not necessarily depressed, but rather tired, or hungry rather than angry. It's sort of like choosing to feel 'excited' rather than 'anxious': the two are physiologically identical, and the only difference between them are context and emotional lablelling, both of which can be changed.

tl; dr: you can choose your mental state, and can control your thoughts. Every time you feel like hurting yourself, think of boobies.

(failing that, vent like hell; here, in TDS or PMing one of your friends, here or offsite)

 

Dave, that is interesting. I have a terrible time identifying between similar emotions\states. Altho for me, there is a problem with how I think I should feel and how I actually feel.

OD, if you ever feel like texting I will be happy listen (read?)... I used to enjoy our chats on yahoo. I lost that passwrd awhile ago tho

 

thanks guys. I think being tired and hungry may be causing me to feel slightly depressed but its more impacting on my thought processes. I get very, very dark and angry. I grab onto these unrealistic thoughts of what's occurring around me (other people's intentions, actions, thoughts, etc) and accept them as real even though I know better. It then snowballs from there. I make the scenarios even more realistic and suspect people are manipulating methods of hurting me.

It only happens when I'm tired and hungry, though. I just get totally fucked in the head. I'll grab onto those thoughts and then i start feeling violently angry.

I've been tossing around getting the century body opponent heavy bag to relieve the anger. What bothers me is that I intend to use it without gloves so that I fuck up my hands and get blood on the bag. Fuckin' weirdo, right?

 

Not really, no. A lot of what you say sounds familiar to me, but where you sound like you deal with the demons by externalizing via aggressive thoughts, and desire for aggressive behaviour, I internalize by withdrawing from the world, escaping into fantasy or simply self-loathing. Both are self-harmful, obviously: you're trying to hurt yourself physically, and when I withdraw a small funk turns into a deep depressive episode that can take months to escape from. I've actually fallen sideways into one of those in the last couple of days, and it's really pissing me off (as much as I can get pissed off in such a state) because I just started to pull myself out of the last one. /sigh

But anyway, do the heavy bag; they look so awesome for burning off steam, but do them right. Tape your hands, wear at least basic sparring gloves, and for crying out glayvin be careful of your wrists. Getting bloody knuckles is one thing, but if you aren't mindful of how the bag is moving or hit at an angle with a floppy wrist you'll mess your wrists up proper. And wrist injuries, like most joint injuries, don't ever really heal properly since there is usually some sort of connective tissue injury associated with it. Couple that fat bundle of nerves going into your hand (the famous carpal nerves, through a tiny tunnel), and it could seriously affect your BL time, if nothing else

(and we need you here-- seriously)

 

i tried a kick boxing class a few times and enjoyed beating the crap out of the bag. dave seems to know a lot more than me, so you should listen to the rest of what he said

i get caught in a loop where i want to hurt myself for a random reason, i get mad at myself for thinking about hurting myself , i want to hurt myself even more for considering the option in the first place. this loop will repeat a few times until i either act upon the urge or distract myself with something less destructive.