Tired of going back and forth

[sonicwhite]

Ever since 2012 I've been on gabapentin. Out of those 72 months I have not been able to correctly take it one time. I just moved to another state and I saw a new doc. She's cool but what I really want is an honest open discussion of how I've been addicted to this evil drug and how to detox off it safely.


It's one been a week since I saw her and I went through my entire 600 mg three times a day except for two pills. Before I saw her I was in withdrawals for a week and it was hard but it didn't even teach me a lesson. What the hell am I supposed to do? I live with my dad now who is super sensitive and paranoid and I just can't handle this back and forth.


Either off myself or I die another way. I'm tired of being addicted to this. I thought withdrawals would help but all they did was reinforce the euphoria when I got it back into my system.


So anyone here please don't lecture me on how I can have a seizure and all the other crap that comes with these withdrawals. I already know. I'm just need to spill my heart out on here because I'm tired. I'm a Christian who had a good life ahead of him until I allowed head doctors to screw with my head. I'm not perfect either. So all in all life sucks. I'm in a new state. I feel like an alien where I'm at.



The nightmares and burning flesh feeling is what gets me the most but I don't know any other option other than to CT. I can't be trusted with a lot so how can I be trusted with little to wean off of. I'm just afraid the stress is going to bring out the psychosis I had in 05 but I have always seemed to maintain my brain. So any advice. Encouraging and helpful thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

[sonicwhite]

Please anybody. I'm so tired of this. It's either off myself or really no other option. I can't take the drug right so why even bother with this life.

 

[Cdkman]

I feel u man..I'm in a cycle where too manage my life by staying off oxy I take subs for 2 weeks and lyrica for 2 weeks..even taking lyrica for 2 weeks fucks with my head the week after..the subs help with lyrica withdrawal but not all the way..I've been in this back and forth for a while ..lyrica was such a wonder drug for me like I'm assuming it was for u at first..the withdrawal is torture but it's not bad enough for me to stop..I really don't know what to say to help other than share my experience and wish u the best..it's a tough drug to shake but I've seen ppl stop successfully

 

[F'Loki]

Ever since 2012 I've been on gabapentin. Out of those 72 months I have not been able to correctly take it one time. I just moved to another state and I saw a new doc. She's cool but what I really want is an honest open discussion of how I've been addicted to this evil drug and how to detox off it safely.


It's one been a week since I saw her and I went through my entire 600 mg three times a day except for two pills. Before I saw her I was in withdrawals for a week and it was hard but it didn't even teach me a lesson. What the hell am I supposed to do? I live with my dad now who is super sensitive and paranoid and I just can't handle this back and forth.


Either off myself or I die another way. I'm tired of being addicted to this. I thought withdrawals would help but all they did was reinforce the euphoria when I got it back into my system.


So anyone here please don't lecture me on how I can have a seizure and all the other crap that comes with these withdrawals. I already know. I'm just need to spill my heart out on here because I'm tired. I'm a Christian who had a good life ahead of him until I allowed head doctors to screw with my head. I'm not perfect either. So all in all life sucks. I'm in a new state. I feel like an alien where I'm at.



The nightmares and burning flesh feeling is what gets me the most but I don't know any other option other than to CT. I can't be trusted with a lot so how can I be trusted with little to wean off of. I'm just afraid the stress is going to bring out the psychosis I had in 05 but I have always seemed to maintain my brain. So any advice. Encouraging and helpful thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I really know where you are coming from. It's actually shocking how similar our situations are (my father is exactly the same and unfortunately, and due to me being a fucking junkie and having to go on outpatient rehab now me and my wife are having to live back with my parents at 33 - so the guy who caused a lot of my problems drug problems is often around, and that is my own fault).

You say you wanted an honest discussion though right? Then have one with your new doctor. You say she is cool. Just build the courage up to say you have a problem and that you want to fix it. I know that's fucking hard to do - really fucking hard. And i've only just managed to ask for help after 12 years of self-medicating with everything from alcohol, MDMA, Meth, and then benzos and opiates climbing up gradually from codeine, to oxycodone to heroin....The heroin wasn't so hard to kick, it's the fucking benzos that i've been trying to kick for 10 months now and I got down to 2mg and blew it and now i'm just up to 30mg a night again. I am so sick of it I am thinking of just cold turkey and don't really give a shit if I have seziures, I just want it done with. I wanna be clean and straight-edge.

That's cool you are Christian - I am a Buddhist, so use your practice to help.
I know when we get addicted we can feel like "bad Christians" or "bad Buddhists", but don't fall into that mindset. There is no such thing, we are all imperfect, and accepting our imperfections and fuck ups makes us more at peace with ourselves and stops all that inner-turmoil, anger, self-loathing, low self-esteem. You still have a good life ahead of you. We both do, even if life sucks shit at the moment.

Yeah the burning/crawling skin is fucking my sleep up big time at the moment - it's torture. But I have to resist taking "just another valium/xanax" because that just prolongs this horrible cycle.

If you can't be trusted with having lots of your drug around, then you can ask your doctor to do weekly or even daily pick-ups of your prescription. I am chatting to a new doctor and counselor at my outpatient clinic to see if this is going to be better for me (I think it is).

You could chat to your new doctor about these options. You got options open to you my friend other than CT. Don't lose hope.

I am having a rough day too - just negative. I would recommend mindfulness meditation (it really does help if you stick with it), you don't have to be Buddhist to use it (or remotely spiritual), there is a whole section on that here somewhere. Maybe try it out, then go see your doctor for an honest chat. I think once you are completely honest and get it off your chest you will feel so much better.

I wish you all the best. PM me if you want.

F'loki.