Tired of feeling like garbage from drugs, but i'm not happy without them.

[developingcolor]

For the past year I've been abusing drugs pretty heavily. I've tried the widest variety of drugs for the first time this past year than ever before. The new things I've done are Cocaine, MDMA, LSD, Pscilicybin mushrooms, Ketamine, and most recently IV Opiates. Before this I was also taking xanax, klonopin, 2c-e, adderall, and marijuana a lot. At the beginning of this Renaissance of drug experiences I met a girl who I fell in love with. We spent literally every day together, Slept together in the same bed every night, and experimented with A LOT of drugs together. It was a close emotional relationship, but it was also centered around drugs. It was doomed to fail and eight months after we met it did. This girl absolutely hates me now. She despises me and refuses to even talk to me. One of the things she told me which sticks with me was "you're a selfish asshole and you'll never find anyone who cares about you." This really hurt to hear and a lot of times I think maybe she's right. I'm destroying my mind and flushing my health down the drain and I realize it, but I feel like I can't stop. Drugs are pretty much the only thing that make me happy anymore. I've been drunk the past four days and i've probably spent close to $1000 in the past two months on dilaudid to shoot up. I can't remember what it was like to live a sober life. I haven't been using as long as some of the other people on here, but i've been using more than I want to. I don't inject everyday. I usually do it 1-3 times a week. I'm just really pessimistic and have a hard time being positive unless i'm high. The future never looks like it's going to improve, it only looks like it's going to worsen.

 

[parachuteantics]

I know what you are dealing with and how you feel. I have been in similar situations. I would never say I abusing drugs because I would be doing one after another, all different kinds, not addicted to particularly one drug but possibly to all of them. I would smoke weed for a couple days then switch and do some speed and then after that have some benzos for a fews days...repeat the cycle (with all types of drugs) to solidify in my mind that I wasn't an "addict." My nose would bleed from snorting but I didn't see that as a problem! ; kinda scary!

I think the best thing you can do is try and go have a sober life but make the choice for yourself, for your best interest, for your health, well being, whatever it may be. If you want a better future or a possibly girlfriend that really does truely care - try being sober and see how you feel if only if it's a week or two. It's easier said then done and I am sure you will hit some bumps in the road but I believe that you'd able to do it (as I was in a similar situation and was able to remain sober for a few months). Try eating healthier, excercising, being proactive in your life - it does wonders but you have to patient.

I also believe things in moderation and after being sober for a few months, I got myself back on track. I was then able to limit my intake of the drugs I enjoyed to weekends or once a month type basis. I didn't cut myself off but I am now able to feel better overall while indudging once in awhile. Some people can't control themselves thus being addicted - it depends on the person, I wouldn't recommend this to everyone. And I am still a work in progress but it takes time good luck!

 

[Ozekat]

I know what you are dealing with and how you feel. I have been in similar situations. I would never say I abusing drugs because I would be doing one after another, all different kinds, not addicted to particularly one drug but possibly to all of them. I would smoke weed for a couple days then switch and do some speed and then after that have some benzos for a fews days...repeat the cycle (with all types of drugs) to solidify in my mind that I wasn't an "addict." My nose would bleed from snorting but I didn't see that as a problem! ; kinda scary!

I think the best thing you can do is try and go have a sober life but make the choice for yourself, for your best interest, for your health, well being, whatever it may be. If you want a better future or a possibly girlfriend that really does truely care - try being sober and see how you feel if only if it's a week or two. It's easier said then done and I am sure you will hit some bumps in the road but I believe that you'd able to do it (as I was in a similar situation and was able to remain sober for a few months). Try eating healthier, excercising, being proactive in your life - it does wonders but you have to patient.

I also believe things in moderation and after being sober for a few months, I got myself back on track. I was then able to limit my intake of the drugs I enjoyed to weekends or once a month type basis. I didn't cut myself off but I am now able to feel better overall while indudging once in awhile. Some people can't control themselves thus being addicted - it depends on the person, I wouldn't recommend this to everyone. And I am still a work in progress but it takes time good luck!

I'm impressed by your ability to "use occasionally", considering you used to have abuse issues. The only times that I have been able to refrain from using is when I used to be so anxious and scared in my life in general that I thought drugs would just make my mind worse. I've since started a new buddhist practice, that honestly gives me so much self-confidence and kills off any fear I would experience (within reason) that I find it harder to control my drug use because I don't get freaked out by side-effects like I used to. This of course is no way to demean the practice, its simply amazing, but its kind of an off-the-wall aspect of it.


Anyway its been a personal aspiration of mine to be able to go a month straight without touching anything.....thats an amount of time I've never been able to really realize since I started using and abusing halfway through high school. So, I have to ask what helped you control yourself?

And isn't the "occasional use" kind of a slippery slope because as former addicts, we always have this huge potential to become dependent again?

Lastly I really want to find an NA or AA group that is as awesome and accepting and NICE as TheDarkSide, without unnecessary drama.....last NA meeting I went to was really shitty, people yelling and cussing in front of little kids and lots of extreme drama.

 

[developingcolor]

I know what you are dealing with and how you feel. I have been in similar situations. I would never say I abusing drugs because I would be doing one after another, all different kinds, not addicted to particularly one drug but possibly to all of them. I would smoke weed for a couple days then switch and do some speed and then after that have some benzos for a fews days...repeat the cycle (with all types of drugs) to solidify in my mind that I wasn't an "addict." My nose would bleed from snorting but I didn't see that as a problem! ; kinda scary!

I think the best thing you can do is try and go have a sober life but make the choice for yourself, for your best interest, for your health, well being, whatever it may be. If you want a better future or a possibly girlfriend that really does truely care - try being sober and see how you feel if only if it's a week or two. It's easier said then done and I am sure you will hit some bumps in the road but I believe that you'd able to do it (as I was in a similar situation and was able to remain sober for a few months). Try eating healthier, excercising, being proactive in your life - it does wonders but you have to patient.

I also believe things in moderation and after being sober for a few months, I got myself back on track. I was then able to limit my intake of the drugs I enjoyed to weekends or once a month type basis. I didn't cut myself off but I am now able to feel better overall while indudging once in awhile. Some people can't control themselves thus being addicted - it depends on the person, I wouldn't recommend this to everyone. And I am still a work in progress but it takes time good luck!

I have actually tried being sober. From late July 2012 to about mid october I was completely sober except for occasional alcohol use (once every 1-2 weeks). It was fresh after my breakup and I never wanted to touch another drug again. I weightlifted 5 days a week and ate a healthy high protein diet. Weightlifting helped, but an hour or two after lifting I would emotionally crash and just fall on my mattress and cry for 15 minutes. This went on the entire time period and I even started seeing a therapist. Well, mid october i started hanging out with my old friends and fell back into alcohol and drugs. After I fell back into drugs is when I started shooting up with my friend. It's so hard to quit using them because I literally cry everyday and get incredibly bored when I'm not on them. I just feel like i'll be miserable the rest of my life.

 

[sickofthisshiz]

It sounds like you are using to alleviate boredom and some pretty serious depression, which you will have to deal with and not just cover up. You went the whole summer without using, which is huge! You will develop a physical dependency very quickly if you are shooting...and it is just so dangerous. Good luck l hope you can get the help and support you need

 

[Jimmy_Pop]

I can go like 3 days without ANY kind of drug at the most, once I get past four the sheer monotony and boredom of life starts to feel suffocating and overwhelming.