I could go on for days about my life story, I could think of a million and a half things to complain about..But I'm trying to look for the positive in life and not focus so much on the negative. All my life I've done that and I'm trying to turn it all around.
Here is a (semi) short bio so you get the jist of it..Been an opiate addict for almost 5 years (I'm 21) first started with OC's+morphine then graduated to heroin. I've tried to quit 9 times. I have gotten to the 3 month mark 4 times, but never further. I've been on and off subutex for 8 months but am down to my last 2 and no more refills.
Anyways, I moved myself out of Seattle and to Moses Lake. A small, small, town in Eastern WA. I live with my grandparents and it kinda sucks. I don't know anyone here so I pretty much do nothing all day. But hey, that's why I moved here! Rewind 6 months ago, I did this EXACT same thing. I got a job right away (a GOOD one!) and stayed sober for 3 months and was living life the way it should be. Then I went back to Seattle for a weekend, got high, then never went back..lost the job and everything (obviously). I stayed in Seattle for 3 more months and was worse than ever before. Its like the addiction came back with a vengeance.
Fast forward to today..I've been in Moses Lake for 15 days taking about 0.5-1mg subutex a day completely sober from alcohol and any illegal drugs. The depression/anxiety is overwhelming (was like this even before drugs) and each day is a battle. I know getting a job will make my life less boring, but here is my dilemma..If I had money left I would have waited to move to moses and get clean. So in all honesty I am sort of afraid to get a job for the sole purpose that I get paid. I know the first check I get I will hop on a train to Seattle and go right back to using. That or I will find a connect here and continue to use and keep the job (until the drug habit gets out of control again) and then I will be back to square one!
So bottom line here..I'm sick of being depressed and dealing with my anxiety. I can't get benzos cause I would just abuse them..SSRI's don't work for me. I know a job will help but I'm afraid of getting money. I know I'm only 21 but all to show for my adult life is 40k in debt and a year of failed college classes. I want more than ANYTHING to find that passion in my life that gives me something to live for..Something career related or even just something fun like snowboarding. I never once had that feeling "oh I just can't wait to be -this- when I grow up!" I feel so stuck and lost in this never ending circle. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I remind myself "you're young still! not many ppl your age have life completely figured out" but it doesn't help..I'm tired of my life having no direction..But as I said I'm trying to look for the good rather than the evil. Things like: I'm thankful I'm not dead/in prison. I'm thankful I still have a family that loves me. I'm thankful for the gift of being healthy. I'm thankful for another day of sobriety. etc etc
I think my plan of action needs to be this--
Work -> School -> Find a career that interests me - then along the way find some activities that are not drug related that interests me. But all this stuff depends on a job to get money! Which goes back to the original problem..
Anyone have any suggestions or anything? I have no problem staying clean here in Moses Lake. I don't even try and find a connect. But the second I get money I know I will dip out to Seattle to get high.
P.S. I lied..my whole entire life I've dreamed about being famous haha. Like an actor or famous music producer. But I feel like thats just cause I've always wanted that sex, drugs, and rock and roll time life. I've tried doing audio engineering stuff like fruity loops but I get bored super quick..thats why I don't think it really counts as a lifetime career goal. I think its just wanting to be famous (cash and women!)
Here is a (semi) short bio so you get the jist of it..Been an opiate addict for almost 5 years (I'm 21) first started with OC's+morphine then graduated to heroin. I've tried to quit 9 times. I have gotten to the 3 month mark 4 times, but never further. I've been on and off subutex for 8 months but am down to my last 2 and no more refills.
Anyways, I moved myself out of Seattle and to Moses Lake. A small, small, town in Eastern WA. I live with my grandparents and it kinda sucks. I don't know anyone here so I pretty much do nothing all day. But hey, that's why I moved here! Rewind 6 months ago, I did this EXACT same thing. I got a job right away (a GOOD one!) and stayed sober for 3 months and was living life the way it should be. Then I went back to Seattle for a weekend, got high, then never went back..lost the job and everything (obviously). I stayed in Seattle for 3 more months and was worse than ever before. Its like the addiction came back with a vengeance.
Fast forward to today..I've been in Moses Lake for 15 days taking about 0.5-1mg subutex a day completely sober from alcohol and any illegal drugs. The depression/anxiety is overwhelming (was like this even before drugs) and each day is a battle. I know getting a job will make my life less boring, but here is my dilemma..If I had money left I would have waited to move to moses and get clean. So in all honesty I am sort of afraid to get a job for the sole purpose that I get paid. I know the first check I get I will hop on a train to Seattle and go right back to using. That or I will find a connect here and continue to use and keep the job (until the drug habit gets out of control again) and then I will be back to square one!
So bottom line here..I'm sick of being depressed and dealing with my anxiety. I can't get benzos cause I would just abuse them..SSRI's don't work for me. I know a job will help but I'm afraid of getting money. I know I'm only 21 but all to show for my adult life is 40k in debt and a year of failed college classes. I want more than ANYTHING to find that passion in my life that gives me something to live for..Something career related or even just something fun like snowboarding. I never once had that feeling "oh I just can't wait to be -this- when I grow up!" I feel so stuck and lost in this never ending circle. I feel like my life is going nowhere. I remind myself "you're young still! not many ppl your age have life completely figured out" but it doesn't help..I'm tired of my life having no direction..But as I said I'm trying to look for the good rather than the evil. Things like: I'm thankful I'm not dead/in prison. I'm thankful I still have a family that loves me. I'm thankful for the gift of being healthy. I'm thankful for another day of sobriety. etc etc
I think my plan of action needs to be this--
Work -> School -> Find a career that interests me - then along the way find some activities that are not drug related that interests me. But all this stuff depends on a job to get money! Which goes back to the original problem..
Anyone have any suggestions or anything? I have no problem staying clean here in Moses Lake. I don't even try and find a connect. But the second I get money I know I will dip out to Seattle to get high.
P.S. I lied..my whole entire life I've dreamed about being famous haha. Like an actor or famous music producer. But I feel like thats just cause I've always wanted that sex, drugs, and rock and roll time life. I've tried doing audio engineering stuff like fruity loops but I get bored super quick..thats why I don't think it really counts as a lifetime career goal. I think its just wanting to be famous (cash and women!)
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