RuffSamurai
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2017
- Messages
- 25
My best friend and love of my life, my everything, my reason, my beautiful girl, died of a fentanyl overdose 5 months ago. I would’ve been 2 years sober in January. I’m only on methadone and klonopin which I got a prescription for after she died. Benzos and opiates are my drug of choice and I quickly learned the last 5 months you can get pretty high constantly raising your methadone dose, mixing it with benzos, cimetidine and weed.
At first I was able to get fucked up off .5 of benzos with this combo everyday now I’m up to 1.5mg to barely feel anything. Everyone around me still thinks I’m sober. I’m on 180mg of methadone so I don’t even know a detox that will take me.
So here I am at the bottom of by benzo script 3 weeks early getting ready to order RCs that will surely show up in my drug tests at the clinic (throw away 2 years of hard work) just so I don’t seiz out in the mean time till I’m able to meet with my benzo doctor again in April.
I just can’t believe I’m back here. 5 months ago I was so happy and content. On 39mg of methadone and lowering, 1 year and 11 months completely clean from benzos and all street drugs. I was working on building my life with my beautiful best friend and things were going the right direction for the first time ever.
Now I’m back here on blue light. Back in benzo withdrawal. Suicidal on 180mg of methadone I’m not sure how I’ll ever get off of.
I used to get a lot of catharsis venting on here. Going to meetings, support groups on Reddit. I used to be able to type and type and type about my fucked up life and my problems.
But after losing her. I just don’t care anymore. Im so tired. I’m tired of talking. Im tired of venting. Im tired of the drug tests at the clinic, I’m tired of the anxiety about losing my klonopin script and beating myself up for being the junkie piece of shit that I am.
Im tired of institutions, and rehabs and detoxes.
I just want to go to sleep and be with her. Some days I just don’t know what the point is.
But I’m also so tired of putting my beautiful mom through shit. I’m so tired of putting her in pain. I just want to be happy and normal for her and I was trying I was doing it! I’m just so tired of it all.
I know she didn’t mean for this or want this I know she dosent want me to feel this way well she’s not here anymore so it don’t really matter I guess idk.
At first I was able to get fucked up off .5 of benzos with this combo everyday now I’m up to 1.5mg to barely feel anything. Everyone around me still thinks I’m sober. I’m on 180mg of methadone so I don’t even know a detox that will take me.
So here I am at the bottom of by benzo script 3 weeks early getting ready to order RCs that will surely show up in my drug tests at the clinic (throw away 2 years of hard work) just so I don’t seiz out in the mean time till I’m able to meet with my benzo doctor again in April.
I just can’t believe I’m back here. 5 months ago I was so happy and content. On 39mg of methadone and lowering, 1 year and 11 months completely clean from benzos and all street drugs. I was working on building my life with my beautiful best friend and things were going the right direction for the first time ever.
Now I’m back here on blue light. Back in benzo withdrawal. Suicidal on 180mg of methadone I’m not sure how I’ll ever get off of.
I used to get a lot of catharsis venting on here. Going to meetings, support groups on Reddit. I used to be able to type and type and type about my fucked up life and my problems.
But after losing her. I just don’t care anymore. Im so tired. I’m tired of talking. Im tired of venting. Im tired of the drug tests at the clinic, I’m tired of the anxiety about losing my klonopin script and beating myself up for being the junkie piece of shit that I am.
Im tired of institutions, and rehabs and detoxes.
I just want to go to sleep and be with her. Some days I just don’t know what the point is.
But I’m also so tired of putting my beautiful mom through shit. I’m so tired of putting her in pain. I just want to be happy and normal for her and I was trying I was doing it! I’m just so tired of it all.
I know she didn’t mean for this or want this I know she dosent want me to feel this way well she’s not here anymore so it don’t really matter I guess idk.
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