Times You Knew Someone Loved You

[Joey]

I used to go out and into our bedroom sometimes to be by myself, doing my Bluelight thing. He worked a ton, and was an avid TV watcher when taking a break from all of that. Hours and hours of binging Netflix.

Sometimes I just wasn’t interested in whatever show was on that day, or otherwise would go so I could talk vocally without disturbing the show. Or to play guitar.

Quite consistently, after an hour or so he would always come looking for me. Sometimes he didn’t even have anything to say. He was just looking for me to be there with him. Usually he’d have something to draw me back out with conversationally, but then the others when he didn’t, and I guess he felt it too lame to just say “where are you?”.

So he would just pop in a little awkwardly. It was cute.

He always had this expectant look about him. I always got it. Most times I’d come back within a few minutes after telling him what I was up to.

For the majority of our relationship, he included me in everything when he was home. Always. He was a truck driver so he often wasn't. He always sought me out like that when he was around. So on those times, we did almost everything together. When we weren’t, we were often (I mean often) on the phone. Our relationship had some major issues too, both ends. But truly, I've never felt more attached at the hip to someone in any other time period. Or glad to be.

I told him a lot about you guys actually. He was pretty cool about it at first. Then he still was, but honestly wasn’t too stoked about Bluelight at a point. He thought we are just enabling each other. He had a solid stance on that actually, but I persisted. I became more and more invested in everything I was doing here, and the people, and wanting to or actually helping out wherever I could.

He knew how dedicated I was to this site, and so being my partner, and best friend really.. he got the play by play. I told him how I was so hopeful around June of 2020 when I was first applying to become staff. How excited I was when I finally did in October. When I was doing the discord thing, I did tell him about you guys as I got to meet you guys, and got to know your stories. They became a part of mine. @Fiori di Bella actually got to see him and say hello once or twice.

As I became more the buff on harm reduction and Canadian policy to the point Id started looking at actual IRL work that way, he heard it all. As that actually started to happen both on Bluelight and in other agencies I told him the good news too.

Then I’d felt on top of the world - but that was also as I was actively falling apart. My personal life went to ruin. Our relationship was over and I was so broken up. I still am a bit.

My drug use continuously escalated. But so did my dedication to this cause. For quite some time after we’d broken up even, he was always there and all ears for all of that. His comments toward the enabling and a “real job” gave way as he realized I was actually dead serious. I got into this to the point of a career-level dedication which I still maintain. I was becoming someone in this field where I started getting real, paid work in places and job descriptions we didn't even know were real before.

We learned a lot together. It broke his heart he said every time he saw me use though. He did decide to let me go eventually. We hadn't spoken for a while because I didn't reach out. My life was totally fucked and I just couldn't.

Last he told me was he decided he didn't want contact anymore. Next up was his 25-year-old son has died of a drug overdose on November 25, 2021. That he was sorry he didn't inform me before. I told him in the affirmative that I'll respect that. And that I was glad I knew him.

It wasn't a bad cut-off. I can tell he is pretty overwhelmed by the whole drug thing. He's moving on. It's okay.

Whenever I was getting pretty upset about something when he was there. There was a point where he'd just stop the conversation, whatever it was, and ask me if I needed a hug. I always accepted the gesture. He was the best for that.

We had a fucked up, but amazing connection and I'll always love him. In some way. I hope he doesn't think badly of me, and that we can talk again someday after some time has passed. More than anything, he was always there to hear me out. He gave me a lot of really good advice about things I do here actually. He talks to, and deals with people all the time as well. Sometimes when I've said certain things to you guys dispensing advice on a serious level, you might have been hearing from him. I miss him.

 

[axe battler]

Didn't intend this to be so long. I've felt felt loved but others before, but never like this....
When I first met her I thought she was so beautiful both in her physical presence - her eyes, cheek dimples, figure, big toothy smile, I was pretty smitten - and in the way she was so naturally friendly, fun and kind.

She was seeing someone else who wasn't a friend, but I got on with him. I could see they were quite unhappy and I found out later he felt a bit threatened by me cause of how well we got on, and called her out on it. I absolutely never pursued her while they were together though.

Anyway turns out he was a complete prick who would steal money from her and hit her during their many heated arguments. She broke up with him and messaged me after a while and that was that.

I was kinda like Joey's partner in that I when I had free time I'd watch a lot of TV or movies or read, when I wasn't out getting smashed that is. She used to spend her week planning fun little things for us to do with her weekend, and she would look into day trips to different cities, camping, or seeing family; my family have never been very close beyond the immediate mam/dad/kids.

I enjoyed all that but she also enjoyed doing my shit like sitting and watching murder documentaries while chatting shit and she was an even bigger party animal than me.

The sex, my god! She had such and imagination and introduced me to a lot of fun stuff I'd never have thought to do.

We had some issues, but by far the worst was my chipping with opiates. She loved her drugs as much as me but hated that I would use opiates. Mainly because I would keep it from her mainly cause of the stigma attached, but the times I would be honest and tell her she'd be furious anyway. I've been fighting addiction since my early 20s. I ended up getting on methadone to help stop this and it worked quite well really.

A year later we had a weekend away in the country, and had great fun dropping some 1p-lsd and sitting in a nice quiet spot talking and having sex watching the all the piggies in the field nearby, then going back for a fire and talking all night. I had a ring in my pocket at all times and the following evening I proposed and she said yes.

We ended up getting pregnant, soon after. I thought it was too soon at the time, but her pregnancy was so exciting and I'm so so incredibly thankful we had our son when we did.

Then came planning the wedding which again was so exciting. I absolutely had no doubts I wanted to marry her, and she would say how she was so happy to have met the person she'd spend forever with. I've never felt more loved than by her. She really knew how to make me feel like I was god's gift.

Anyway one month before the wedding day we were getting a bit drunk and stupidly mixing with some benzos. She'd had a recent bereavement and having some pretty bad anxiety issues.
I kept telling her to stop drinking as even though she'd had nowhere near as many benzos as me, I'd been taking them for years and am a big guy.

I ended up falling asleep on the sofa and woke up in the morning and shook her to wake her up and she was cold and stiff. I'm pretty sure I have what could be called PTSD from that morning, giving her CPR screaming at the 999 operator to hurry.

We ended up having the funeral in the same church we were going to get married in. The feeling of having lost her and the guilt and shame that she was getting smashed with me - I couldn't look anyone in the eye until I was pissed as a skunk and there are some people I barely can with now, 3 years on.

Then just to further compund those feelings, after about 8 months of her death I find out from the coroner that she had some of my methadone in her system which, of course, contributed. Not quite sure how, as I know how dangerous it is to mix that. That night was hazy from taking etizolam so I've created a few scenarios in my head. I know she didn't commit suicide, just was reckless due to her at that point extreme anxiety. I'll always blame myself though.

I'm still feeling absolutely lost, without her. I've tried therapy but I'm not sure it's been helping. She was the best person I've ever known and I've lost that, I'm not sure how I can talk my way out of that. At least I have our beautiful son.

I'm trying to move on but I know I'll always, always, always love her.

Thanks to @nznity for talking with me about it until 3am this morning. It helped me compose this faster and he's a great listening ear despite having his own very serious problems at the moment. Check out his thread https://bluelight.org/xf/threads/help-your-fellow-bler-nznity-before-its-too-late.916713/
Thanks for reading x

 

[arrall]

@axe battler @Joey Thank you for sharing your stories with us. My dms are always open here or on Discord for both of you.

@axe battler It is good that you have your son at least. I hate to suggest more drugs, but a lot of people do find MDMA-assisted therapy to do wonders for PTSD and overcoming extreme trauma and loss like that. It might be something worth looking into if normal therapy isn't helping you much.

 

[Robi]

laying here feeling as if im on my death bed, and in trots my spouse with vicks rub and a bag of Halls cough drops,made me citron tea, and miso soup, she not very compassionate person when it come to me being ill, but what a surprise, prolly so ill get my ass to work and make money, but i felt loved, cause its not like her to caretake, shehas lots of positives but thats not one

 

[Robi]

omagh,she asked what im doing, my heads finally off the pillow, i said i was bragging about her taking care of me, and she said she wouldnt spit in my asshole if my guts were on fire~swoons now thats love!

 

[Joey]

omagh,she asked what im doing, my heads finally off the pillow, i said i was bragging about her taking care of me, and she said she wouldnt spit in my asshole if my guts were on fire~swoons now thats love!

That's why you have doctors, private insurance!

 

[SoCalShordie]

Maybe 5 years back, after escaping from an extremely abusive ex, my best friend since age 12 (we’re now 28) took me into her home. Completely cared for me. I was getting off opiates. She cooked for me every night. Would take me to the methadone clinic every morning. Drove me to the courthouse to get a restraining order. She completely and selflessly took real CARE of me. Never even felt that kind of warm fuzzy feeling as a child. She has always been that one solid, constant support my whole life. She’s been taking care of me since we were kids. I hope she knows just how much that meant to me, how much she will always mean to me. That was the most loved I have ever felt in my whole life.

 

[Joey]

Maybe 5 years back, after escaping from an extremely abusive ex, my best friend since age 12 (we’re now 28) took me into her home. Completely cared for me. I was getting off opiates. She cooked for me every night. Would take me to the methadone clinic every morning. Drove me to the courthouse to get a restraining order. She completely and selflessly took real CARE of me. Never even felt that kind of warm fuzzy feeling as a child. She has always been that one solid, constant support my whole life. She’s been taking care of me since we were kids. I hope she knows just how much that meant to me, how much she will always mean to me. That was the most loved I have ever felt in my whole life.

This kind of care and treatment is the absolute root of what is good and well in human relationships. It's a healing force to care, and be cared for in this manner. Losing someone who has been on this level for you is absolutely devastating.

 

[Joey]

 

[Joey]

I forgot to give some context to that photo. I got in contact with Kevin again lately. He sent me that photo. It's some metal art I bought him for Christmas in 2020. He finally put it up. He said I have good taste and thought. Our interaction was wholly positive.

But now he's still being pretty evasive about a chat on the phone. We are friends, he says, but I'm not fully understanding him. I know we went through a lot, and so did he. Because of that, I'm really glad we're messaging a bit, and he's being so positive there, but I'd like to talk some more. I know we will someday, but this is kind of hurtful. I'm a mixed bag here. I'm happy, and I'm on the verge of tears every time I think about him and want to call.