Time to switch off the light

[kailinu]

I'm kinda tipsy.

However, I've had it. I cannot take it anymore. I have never been what my parents wished I would be: straight and be able to give them at least a grand child. And worst of all, I have never been what I -myself- wished I could be. I could have dealt with being gay but being a fucking looser too is too tough to cope with.

My last boyfriend ditched me and told everywhere around him that I was a weirdo. His friends are now crossing the street just not to have to come across me. The first time it happened I felt so awful and desperate I tried to overdose on Remeron. The ex also told around him I did have a facelift because I wassuch a nutjob. The thing is I DID have a facelift when I was 35 but that was because I had a skull fracture when I was 22 that made the left side of my face look much tenser, droopier and uglier than the right side and the social services did pay for that. Pretty much everyone around me think I'm just a fucking nutjob. Even the two big BIG loves of my life thinks I'm so off it's hard for them to keep seeing me.

I have a facebook profile and less than 30 friends on it and only one is still posting on my wall. What I really think deep inside of me is that I am an undiagnosed case of Asperger Syndrome which makes me so unable to connect to the others and so unable to fit in anywhere and SO sensitive to anything that might be said (or not) about me, that I am now UNable to cope with the pain.

What can I do now? I don't want to hurt my mother by taking my own life away, bc I know it would kill her too inside, and I love her so muc I cannot let myself do that. Yet at the same time I canoot cope with the fucking pain anymore. WHAT CAN I DO?

Knives are bleeding my heart sooooooooooo bad tonight, I'm... lost for words...

 

[OverDone]

hi kailinu, sometimes we place other people's values or expectations on ourselves and those values/expectations simply do not fit with our natural selves and are in direct conflict with our own identities.

These external circumstances and people are affecting how you feel internally and it shouldn't be this way. Sometimes we just need to pursue our lives for ourselves and limit our expectations that we place on others.

The most important thing I can say is that these feelings, perceptions and perspectives are only temporary. They WILL pass. Making such a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling (especially when under the influence of substances) would be a tragedy and a terrible, preventable loss.

Self-diagnosis is another dangerous area. If you suspect an underlying mental health issue, please take action and seek opinions from qualified mental health professionals.

I do not know you but it would sadden me personally to hear that you harmed yourself. Therapy and treatment does wonders for many, many people. Please consider pursuing some of these options in order to help improve the way you are feeling and thinking. The negativity and pain will go away but often enough we need to apply some sort of action and effort to get the ball rolling

Stay strong and please do not make any major decisions while you are intoxicated

 

[Woodsong]

Don't diagnose yourself with a disease just because you can't cope with people... The reality is that people fucking suck, I would almost go so far as to say that it's perfectly natural to not be able to interact harmoniously with your fellow man... People are inherently selfish, and to find someone that will stay by you no matter what you're going through in life is a true treasure... Me, I stopped giving a shit about the unimportant people a long time ago... It's not worth the trouble and pain... Hell, my one and only true love is opiates, but what does that say, heh...... And ESPECIALLY don't let people harp on you for your sexuality. Being bisexual myself, I can play my cards either way depending on the situation, but your sexuality isn't something anyone should even make their business... Defend yourself... Don't let other people and what they think rule your life, it will only make you miserable... Sorry if that was kind of rambly, I'm a little tipsy myself...

 

[Bojangles69]

/\ Yeh true I'd have a serious case of aspergers right now if that was all that the criteria was for having it. Not being able to connect to people that is. Thing is in normal social settings I can't connect with people. Like at get togethers where everyone is talking about how life is and or what they just bought or who married who etc etc. I merely don't give a fuck about any of that shit. In fact I almost hate hearing it. Even tonight after work I had saw a bunch of old friends. Everyone was smiling and pretending to be perfect and I find out one of my old highschool friends married a total whore of a wife.

I almost thought he was joking when he said her name thats how big of a whore this girl was when I knew her. She fucked everyone in our highschool including me. And this was when she was like 16. By the time she was in her 20's she was also on drugs and fucking everyone. Guy who married her is a clean cut kid, pretty level headed, makes no fucking sense why he married such a filthy whorebag other than for the way she looked. And its shit like that that makes me sick of people. All that most men give a shit about in our society is making as much money as possible so he can marry the hottest woman he possibly can and brag to his buddies about it. And all women give a shit about in our society is finding a man who makes a 6 digit salary every year.

No obviously not all people are like this. But too many people unfortunately are. I almost wanted to say "are you kidding me?" instead I said "wow man thats awesome good for you".

Anyway about you being a gay loser. It really bothers me that you are gay and almost seem to view being gay as a shortcoming or something. Or even if its you just projecting that image from your familys perspective. I am not gay, but I'm sure as hell not getting married or having children. There are tons of straight guys like this who simply don't give a fuck whether they have kids or not, or what their families think, so I'm really not sure why you care. I think you have likely built this up for so many years that you've become so attached to something that realistically is not as important as you think.
And if your parents do give you shit for it in anyway you have to realize that your parents problem and not yours. I've had enough gay friends in my life to know being gay doesn't mean shit nor does it define a single thing about a person other than who they prefer to sleep with. Anything else is just irrelevant. Simple for me to say. Not simple for you to live by I'm sure. Its not always easy to just block out certain things but you should be fucking proud of your sexual orientation and embrace it that way. I know enough about myself to know I could have easily been a bisexual but I'm far too insecure a person myself to openly live that type of lifestyle. So you see right here I'm admitting a certain aspect of my life that even I'm fake about. It was just more convenient for me to play the straight role as I realized I'm more attracted to woman than I am men. But god forbid anyone in my family every found that out... no fucking way. So you see, you're already a stronger/better man than I am.

This is another reason I stopped drinking is because I get way too fucking depressed when I drink and even now if I drank I'd likely make about 10 suicide threads about how big a loser I am and how much I hate my life. So I stay the eff away from alcohol. Its never done anything for me other than make me depressed. At least with opiates the depression is put off for when you don't have them. With alcohol the second that shit is in my blood I'm questioning things about my life. I suggest if you're going to make any moral evaluation of your life that you do it sober. If you're feeling bad like I often do, thats usually when I just go to bed lol. Not trying to minimize your problems but sleep to me is like "pretend suicide". It IS a way to shut things off and escape life for a bit while still having another chance the following day.

Suicide is always a permanent solution to whats usually always a temporary problem. Sometimes its not. But most of the time thats the way things are. So if you're really feeling bad, and are tipsy too, I honestly think smartest thing you can do right now is lie down, put the tv on, and just block out life till you're in dreamland. It tends to work for me. Then you'll wake up, the sun will be shining, and who knows what tommorow holds in store for you?

 

[effie]

Hi kailinu,

Thank you for having the strength to post that in here and tell us how you are feeling - I know it's not always easy.. so you should be pleased and proud of yourself for making that first step

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. Feeling isolated is one of the hardest things to bear. Please ignore the people who are putting you down as much as you can - they have hurt you enough already, I would hate to see them having even more power over you and causing you to end your life. There are always options and there is always hope - I know it might not seem like it at the moment, but I promise you there is, and nothing in life lasts forever. Suicide, however, is permanent...

It's really good that you can see how much your death would devastate your mother. I hope that in time you want to live for yourself, but if you can't see that right now, I'm really glad to hear that you have someone you love and that you appreciate the impact it would have on her.. I bet there are others who it would affect too, as OverDone said it would upset us hugely, and we don't even know you well! Please keep being strong and resisting going down that path..

Do you have anyone you can speak to about this at all? I agree with the others that if you feel you have Aspergers, it would help a lot to get an official diagnosis and some help and support with that. Perhaps you could see if there is a local gay/lesbian/bisexual group you could join too, to get some more support? It sounds like you are struggling under a heavy burden at the moment, and could really do with some help.. how about counselling, have you tried that?

You are putting yourself under an impossible amount of pressure at the moment. You are who you are - there is no shame in that, and I really hope you can find the help you need to come to terms with it

Keep talking to us here as much as you need to! And please, take care and be kind to yourself

 

[Asclepius]

Kailnu, sounds like your going through alot of pain atm hun. This is completely understandable from what you wrote in your OP. Seems like you got alot of people treating you less than you deserve tbph. Main thing is to remember that peoples opinions are theirs- they do not define/make you who/what you are. You dont seem to be the kind of person who takes things people say about you to heart but it seems like youve been dealing with alot of stuff all at once and its just snowballed. This is not a reason to turn on yourself hun as people are cruel(in general/not all) but I hope you stop being so harsh on yourself, sounds like some negative situations are putting pressure on you to blame yourself and pick problems with yourself when you really just deserve a bit of peace for being who you are and respect and understanding for what you're going through.

Being sensitive to things isnt a negative, sure it can leave you open to some hurt, maybe more than the average but if the average was something to base standards by- then wouldnt we all be a horribly, fking, vapid, mass of sameness, !...eugh! Seriously though, keep yourself and respect for who you are in mind hun, no matter who misunderstands you, or whether or not people befriend you (on FB or whatever) remember you have to stick by yourself-there is nothing wrong with you, you just feel bad because yo'ure trying to process stuff atm. Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

P.S. Facebook is full of people with 'friends' who dont even qualify as strangers to them. So, dont buy into the pseudo social-bullshit pressure. You may feel down atm but you are most certainly above bullshit like that, I'd imagine. Genuineness and truth arent really synonomous with FB interfacing(in general).... you deserve people who are going to treat you with respect IRL. So maybe try to ignore that nonsense for the time being hun, it really doesnt define what anyone is worth.

 

[herbavore]

Kailinu---if I could edit one word out of common vocabulary it would be "loser"when it is used to describe a human being. What does that even mean? Why apply that word to yourself? You did not describe being cruel to anyone or trying to cause harm to anyone.

You are suffering from being judged by your family for your sexuality, and by your ex and his immature friends. I hope I live to see the day that we stop even calling ourselves gay or straight or bi and we just say we are sexual, period; with whoever we feel like being sexual with! There is nothing like having someone leave us to smash our self esteem. Try to see it as that--an excruciating feeling, but temporary. It's hard work to learn to love yourself when your family and the larger culture and even your smaller culture of acquaintances are not supportive--but is the best work you will ever do.

I hope you can find a little peace to get you through this hard time.

 

[Deleted member 210577]

I can't offer any words to ease your pain, but I can offer some advice. Stop allowing others to define who you are. Are you living for them, or are you living for you? Sounds harsh, but fuck your parents.. if they can not support and love you for who you really are then maybe you are better off putting some distance between yourself and them, not relying on them to validate your existence. Again, are you here for yourself, or for them? Don't feel compelled to satisfy their desires.. why should you?

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I'm sensitive. I'm gay. I know alot of straight guys who are more sensitive than anyone I know. I know alot of gay guys who are more masculine than any straight guy I know. The point? We define ourselves. You don't have to fit a stereotype and shove yourself into a neat little defined box to be loved or accepted or have friends. Once upon a time, I was a "loser" in high school who didn't fit in and dropped out finally due to the torment of my peers and knowing I'd never fit in. Then I got out into the real world where everyone is different and the neat little boxes that society shoves us into aren't so neat anymore...that's when I found people who love and accept me for who I am. You deserve to live and be happy. Don't let some fucking idiots who want to talk shit take that away from you. If I'd let that happen to me, I'd be dead already. If you need to talk or anything, PM me.

 

[herbavore]

^Kailinu, listen to this guy!^

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

kailinu,my dear...on the things we have in common. I won't go into detail except to say I am a 35 year old gay female who struggled all my life to come to terms with that knowledge(I knew at age 5 I liked girls and not boys)of who I was,my drug use and abuse(and yes-they are 2 very different things) and why I couldn't love myself.

all of these burdens stemmed from the same root cause...I did not love myself-could not love myself because I was unhappy with my life and could not understand that we all have light and dark within us-and that fact fact does not make us flawed,it makes us human. I came out to myself at 18-to my friends at 21 and to my family at 24. None of it went down the way I had envisioned. But in retrospect,that is how it was supposed to happen. My drug abuse started at age 12 and at 35 I am now clean(only bc I can't find a decent,high grade marijuana connection)after being an active addict for more years than not. Sure-my drug use has been just that-use-not abuse and that has only been a few years in the past decade. do you want to know why??? Because it took me 33 years to realize-I am an awesome person! I have so much love,potential,intelligence and a sincere desire to reach out to those whom I can help. Learning to love yourself-good traits and faults alike-is a healing of the soul. Fuck other people. Fuck "facefuck" (facebook-sorry,i loathe that site) fuck anyone who doesn't like who you are because who you are is exactly who you are supposed to be. Besides-who wants to be freinds w/ people who don't like you or treat you like shit??? In all honesty,do you like them???
People I meet who don't care for me don't bother me because if they don't like an awesome,sexy,gay,flawed,sensitive,loving,giving person like me then I don't want to be friends with them anyway. Fuck them.
I am 35 and live at home due to degenerative conditions from a near fatal car accident in Jan 2006- all bc I was off work and ready to meet up w/ some friends and I was texting and speeding in a work zone on the interstate. Traffic had dtopped,but I was too busy typing and when I looked up I saw an 18 wheeler at a dead stop in front of me. At 70mph,I never had time to hit the breaks-only gasp. My family was told I would not live through the night.But I did and for almost 30 nights after when my vitals were stable enough to undergo open heart surgery to repair a transected aorta. When my cardio surgeon finally opened me up he said he wished he had filmed it bc it was like nothing he had ever seen. I was a medical miracle-with a 2nd chance at life. I have a shitty immune system from the internal injuries and a bum right leg-shattered ankle and knee and I have a paralyzed right vocal chord which took my talent of singing from me. I grieved over this-I have grieved. I have lived with Bipolar 1,ADD and OCD for 11 yrs under the care of the same amazing psychiatrist-through therapy and medication. Because of my accident I now suffer from PTSD(severe),anxiety and panic attacks and bc I had no self esteem and got into a relationship with the wrong woman,I also suffer from battered wife syndrome. I have no friends,no life,no way to escape my childhood bedroom,and have become a recluse. But I have Bl-I do have an amazing family and a g/f who lives 90 minutes away whom I don't see often,but I am not discouraged. You have friends here. you have support here. you will not be judged here and if you do a Mod or higher up will handle that.
since 15 to 32 I tried to commit suicide 6 times. I saw what it did to those in my life who loved me and 3 years ago I vowed no matter what-I would never try to take my own life. We all die-but if that 18 wheeler couldn't kill me then the trivial things in life that get me down sure as shit won't.
You mentioned social services. I suggest you contact them and get yourself in therapy.There is nothing wrong with you except that you let others' image of you be your own. You are beautiful,you are loved,you are worthy of happiness and there are people in this world who will prove it. And there is someone out there for you. Stop letting others fuck with your head. learn to love yourself and live becomes livable. Look into therapy-there are all sorts of ways to receive counseling. See a DR as well,self diagnosis is NOT good.Keep in touch with us here. Reach out and unburden yourself. Stay with us...you will see that "this too shall pass."...everything does. The only thing that stays the same is change. i am going to close by sharing a poem that has gotten me through the darkest of times-and I mean dark-beatings,lying,being cheated on,being raped,almost killing myself shooting opiates and crystal meth,lies,revenge,hate,death...dark times indeed,but I still love the light. I love my life and would not change a thing bc all my joys and horrors have made me the kick ass lipstick lesbian I am today. Everything life had a lesson. All you have to do is be willing to accept it and grow from it.Much peace,love and understanding....................skillz
PLEASE TAKE A FEW MINUTES AND READ THIS POEM.

Desiderata ~by: Max Ehrmann 1952

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

 

[herbavore]

Learning to love yourself-good traits and faults alike-is a healing of the soul.
I love my life and would not change a thing bc all my joys and horrors have made me the kick ass lipstick lesbian I am today.

And there a lot of people that are thankful that you are the kick-ass lipstick lesbian (and I would add Queen of positive enthusiasm) you are today!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Beautiful posts everyone. It's threads like this that make me so proud of our TDS community


I have spoken to kailinu via PMs today and he is fine

 

[herbavore]

That is really good news!

 

[effie]

That is great news indeed

 

[dhcdavid]

I hope you're doing ok.

Firstly, I recommend you stop worrying about what your arsehole ex-boyfriend is saying or doing and also not to worry one little bit about ex-friends of yours "crossing the street" to avoid you or not posting on your Facebook wall: in my opinion, anyone who can be so horrible to you like these people you wrote about really are not worth knowing and certainly not worthy of being in your life.

I too have failed to live up to my parents' expectations but hey, after all, it's OUR lives!

And I too have attempted suicide and am feeling more suicidal right now than I have in years: I have 18 Durogesic 100mcg/hr fentanyl patches in my hands and if I put them all on I'm certain I won't wake up and then all that struggling and fighting and causing pain and disappointment to my family (and me) is over.

I don't know.

Anyway, je vous en prie..... this is your thread so let's keep it with you.

All I can say is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and feelings (including depression) are like the weather: they change. 100% guaranteed.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

David x

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Very lovely post David, thank you. I really hope you keep fighting your depression too, as such a lovely, caring, thoughtful person like yourself really needs to stick around. Please PM me if you want to talk