addictivepersona
Bluelight Crew
This will be long and full of pointless details and is probably better suited for a blog...
I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking. Perhaps a generalized second opinion on my situation and what to do or why it's not so bad many people have it worse and I should shut up and suck it up. Either way, I'm long winded and will try not to be...
Living with the family I do is unbearable in my opinion. It was fine up until a few months ago when we consolidated households. Previously, it was my mother and I: She worked nights, I worked days. We'd only see each other on the weekends and even then it was sparingly if I kept to my room it was as though she was not there.
Now, it is my mother, her mother, and I. My mother still works nights, but to care for my grandma* is up early, around 7a instead of 10a after I've left for work. I used to leave for work between 7 and 8 but now leave before 6:30 since at the earliest this is when they start waking and I need "me time"/"quiet time"/"time before the television and loud talking" in the morning.
(*Grandma is not "constant care" by any means and has become rather independent again, but still needs us to do certain things like put on and take off these medical socks she has, prepare her food, etc.)
I try and not be "too loud" in the mornings by making simple breakfasts (egg with rice/toast, no vegetables that have to be cut up)... I still manage to wake them more than half the time and while they don't say so, I know I was the reason they woke up early. So anywho, when I'm super quiet, don't make breakfast, and leave the house by 6:30a I get to work and am there until 3/3:30p.
I return home and am basically grandma's unpaid aide. "[Addi], turn on the light." "[Addi], could you do x, y, and z?" I don't mind being asked. I mind the rush and I mind being talked to through walls and expected to shout back because that is what mother and grandmother do all day. Mom will be in the kitchen and Grandma in the living room. They'll have a conversation with Gma talking normally and Mom shouting. I cannot hear Gma when I'm even just in the kitchen (there's no wall between) and she's talking normally (I do have a bit of an undiagnosed hearing problem and they simply cannot understand how/why I cannot hear in the other room) and I really don't like talking in a raised voice... So this causes countless arguments. Going into the next room to hear what she's saying and reply gets old after the third time when I'm trying to do stuff. Saying "I'll be in the kitchen and cannot hear you" only works for a half hour or so before she'll start talking to me. Or, she'll talk to one of the dogs and I'll shout over "I can't hear you when I'm in the kitchen" and start walking over, and because she was talking with the dog she'll get pissy with me that she wasn't talking to me, blah blah blah. I've started limiting my time in the kitchen on the weeknights and taking refuge in my room where I still get spoken to through the wall and have to go see what she said fifty times a night... But it's causing me to not eat right since all I eat is whole foods and not much is prepackaged and "heat and eat"... I haven't eaten any real vegetables in weeks and have been getting the vegetables from the farm, having them sit in the fridge for a week or two and then tossing them out 'cause they're unfit for consumption...
On the weekends I have no "me time" unless I get up around 4 or 5. I'll have my bedroom door closed and because of their (mainly just Mom's) shouting and hollow doors I can still hear them perfectly. I've taken to sleeping with ear plugs most nights due to television and shouting volume, and wearing noise-canceling during the waking hours. Some weekends I even wear earplugs during the day so I can have some quiet.
I realize my home life is not bad but it is bad enough for me to want to move out. I simply cannot deal with it anymore. I feel it is time for me to move out. I need my own space to do with it what I want and not have to deal with their stupidity (which I haven't even touched upon here... I will say one thing: Mom/Gma are convinced that the reason the crows and squirrels do not come on the lawn at the same time because the squirrels eat the crows. I am not joking. That is their typical conversation. And they talk about the same five things over and over again.) Anyways.
However, financially, I don't know if I can move out. I've started looking at houses* and I've obtained "pre-approval" for a loan from the credit union, but I lack a co-signer and really only have "chump change" with which to buy a house. I've done the math and figured out that on some of the cheaper (but still decent) houses I've been looking at (online only, I still have yet to call the realtor), I could make the payment plus taxes and utilities and be left with a "livable" income... But it would leave me barely any "cushion" should something happen (car dies, dog gets sick/injured, I get injured, etc)..
*Renting is really not an option... Most rents here are more expensive than cheap mortgages... And with renting, I most likely wouldn't have any property which is important since I have a dog and 'cause I would like more than a postage stamp...
I work for a temp. agency at a pretty nice company, but I am still a temp.--Which means I do the same work as an employee and make half as much. Being a temp. probably means I won't be qualified for a mortgage, too. But, I am banking on being an employee within a year--I've heard some rumors and got some inside information... And I need to talk with my boss within a year anyways as I'll be turning 26 soon and losing my mom's health insurance...
I do have a degree (but am not "registered" yet) I could fall back on, but most of the hirings in that area in my area are part-time and not permanent either, so I'm pretty much better off staying where I am full-time and taking my chances as a temp. at an employer I've been with for over a year and a half...
This whole situation is really taking a toll on my health. I feel like shit lately and really don't want to do anything. I left work after only a few hours yesterday "sick"... Called in sick today...
I just don't know what I can do. I've tried for weeks now to just "suck it up and deal with it" since my home life is really not that bad when you look at it... But it's bad enough for me to want to leave and I feel completely stuck because I don't know what to do. I've tried seeking psychological help to talk to someone in real life about this stuff, but no one will take cash (and I can't go off of my mom's insurance for that because she will get the bill and inquire and 'cause a whole bunch of drama about me seeing a head doctor)... *Sigh*
I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking. Perhaps a generalized second opinion on my situation and what to do or why it's not so bad many people have it worse and I should shut up and suck it up. Either way, I'm long winded and will try not to be...
Living with the family I do is unbearable in my opinion. It was fine up until a few months ago when we consolidated households. Previously, it was my mother and I: She worked nights, I worked days. We'd only see each other on the weekends and even then it was sparingly if I kept to my room it was as though she was not there.
Now, it is my mother, her mother, and I. My mother still works nights, but to care for my grandma* is up early, around 7a instead of 10a after I've left for work. I used to leave for work between 7 and 8 but now leave before 6:30 since at the earliest this is when they start waking and I need "me time"/"quiet time"/"time before the television and loud talking" in the morning.
(*Grandma is not "constant care" by any means and has become rather independent again, but still needs us to do certain things like put on and take off these medical socks she has, prepare her food, etc.)
I try and not be "too loud" in the mornings by making simple breakfasts (egg with rice/toast, no vegetables that have to be cut up)... I still manage to wake them more than half the time and while they don't say so, I know I was the reason they woke up early. So anywho, when I'm super quiet, don't make breakfast, and leave the house by 6:30a I get to work and am there until 3/3:30p.
I return home and am basically grandma's unpaid aide. "[Addi], turn on the light." "[Addi], could you do x, y, and z?" I don't mind being asked. I mind the rush and I mind being talked to through walls and expected to shout back because that is what mother and grandmother do all day. Mom will be in the kitchen and Grandma in the living room. They'll have a conversation with Gma talking normally and Mom shouting. I cannot hear Gma when I'm even just in the kitchen (there's no wall between) and she's talking normally (I do have a bit of an undiagnosed hearing problem and they simply cannot understand how/why I cannot hear in the other room) and I really don't like talking in a raised voice... So this causes countless arguments. Going into the next room to hear what she's saying and reply gets old after the third time when I'm trying to do stuff. Saying "I'll be in the kitchen and cannot hear you" only works for a half hour or so before she'll start talking to me. Or, she'll talk to one of the dogs and I'll shout over "I can't hear you when I'm in the kitchen" and start walking over, and because she was talking with the dog she'll get pissy with me that she wasn't talking to me, blah blah blah. I've started limiting my time in the kitchen on the weeknights and taking refuge in my room where I still get spoken to through the wall and have to go see what she said fifty times a night... But it's causing me to not eat right since all I eat is whole foods and not much is prepackaged and "heat and eat"... I haven't eaten any real vegetables in weeks and have been getting the vegetables from the farm, having them sit in the fridge for a week or two and then tossing them out 'cause they're unfit for consumption...
On the weekends I have no "me time" unless I get up around 4 or 5. I'll have my bedroom door closed and because of their (mainly just Mom's) shouting and hollow doors I can still hear them perfectly. I've taken to sleeping with ear plugs most nights due to television and shouting volume, and wearing noise-canceling during the waking hours. Some weekends I even wear earplugs during the day so I can have some quiet.
I realize my home life is not bad but it is bad enough for me to want to move out. I simply cannot deal with it anymore. I feel it is time for me to move out. I need my own space to do with it what I want and not have to deal with their stupidity (which I haven't even touched upon here... I will say one thing: Mom/Gma are convinced that the reason the crows and squirrels do not come on the lawn at the same time because the squirrels eat the crows. I am not joking. That is their typical conversation. And they talk about the same five things over and over again.) Anyways.
However, financially, I don't know if I can move out. I've started looking at houses* and I've obtained "pre-approval" for a loan from the credit union, but I lack a co-signer and really only have "chump change" with which to buy a house. I've done the math and figured out that on some of the cheaper (but still decent) houses I've been looking at (online only, I still have yet to call the realtor), I could make the payment plus taxes and utilities and be left with a "livable" income... But it would leave me barely any "cushion" should something happen (car dies, dog gets sick/injured, I get injured, etc)..
*Renting is really not an option... Most rents here are more expensive than cheap mortgages... And with renting, I most likely wouldn't have any property which is important since I have a dog and 'cause I would like more than a postage stamp...
I work for a temp. agency at a pretty nice company, but I am still a temp.--Which means I do the same work as an employee and make half as much. Being a temp. probably means I won't be qualified for a mortgage, too. But, I am banking on being an employee within a year--I've heard some rumors and got some inside information... And I need to talk with my boss within a year anyways as I'll be turning 26 soon and losing my mom's health insurance...
I do have a degree (but am not "registered" yet) I could fall back on, but most of the hirings in that area in my area are part-time and not permanent either, so I'm pretty much better off staying where I am full-time and taking my chances as a temp. at an employer I've been with for over a year and a half...
This whole situation is really taking a toll on my health. I feel like shit lately and really don't want to do anything. I left work after only a few hours yesterday "sick"... Called in sick today...
I just don't know what I can do. I've tried for weeks now to just "suck it up and deal with it" since my home life is really not that bad when you look at it... But it's bad enough for me to want to leave and I feel completely stuck because I don't know what to do. I've tried seeking psychological help to talk to someone in real life about this stuff, but no one will take cash (and I can't go off of my mom's insurance for that because she will get the bill and inquire and 'cause a whole bunch of drama about me seeing a head doctor)... *Sigh*
I think my mom and grandma would be able to manage in the house without me. Well, kind of. I am an unpaid aide and maid after all, and do all the cleaning (well, up until the past month... I haven't touched the vacuum in quite possibly a month and while I do feel bad since Gma can't do it, Mom sure as hell could) and yard work and "upkeep" stuff like that...
). In the meantime though I wonder if there are some things you could do to improve your life while you are working towards that goal. One of the first things that comes to mind is a frank talk with your mom about some of the really bothersome things. Let her know that you are really feeling the need for some solitude and quiet---it is essential for you! Yelling from room to room is a habit that maybe she would be willing to change?
That'll carry you through some of the toughest times IME.
